He only wished he were part of some elaborate prank.
But this was no April Fool’s joke. It was really happening. In a few hours, he would wake up to find his leg gone, and the famous Nick Carter would begin his new life as an amputee.
Still, though he was tethered to an IV, already growing drowsy from the sedatives he’d been given, and surrounded by the somber faces of his four brothers, he felt cut off from reality, as if this were some sort of nightmare. But ironically, the real nightmare would begin when he woke up.
The curtain was pushed aside, and a woman’s head peered around it. Nick’s stomach flip-flopped when he recognized the face of Dr. Lynn Chavez, the surgeon who would be performing the operation, whom he had only just met the day before during his pre-op evaluation and testing. He had been nervous at the prospect of being handed off to yet another doctor, but Dr. Kingsbury had assured him that Dr. Chavez was a fine surgeon. He wasn’t sure about her surgical skills, but she seemed like a nice enough woman.
“Good morning, Mr. Carter,” she said with a slight smile, stepping around the curtain to enter the small enclosure. She was decked head to toe in hospital blue, wearing a pair of scrubs and a cap that hid her hair, except for a few wisps that poked out from underneath. “How are you doing?”
Nick tried to answer, but his voice betrayed him, so he simply gulped and forced himself to nod once in acknowledgement. This didn’t really answer the question, but Dr. Chavez accepted it just the same, smiling, and saying, “Well, I just came to check on you real quick, sweetie. I’ll leave you with your visitors for a few more minutes. Transport should be here to take you down to the OR in a little while, and I’ll see you when you get there, okay?”
No, this is not okay! his mind screamed in protest, but he only nodded again.
Dr. Chavez left, pulling the curtain shut behind her, her pristine shoes squeaking on the tiled floor as the traipsed away. As the squeaking faded, the fivesome was left in an awkward silence.
AJ cleared his throat in a stifled, uncomfortable fashion, looking almost apologetic for disrupting the quiet.
“That sedative stuff kickin’ in?” Brian asked.
“Yeah,” Nick answered hoarsely.
Brian nodded. “Good stuff, eh? It relaxes you.”
“Mm-hm,” Nick murmured. In truth, he did feel quite relaxed, much calmer than he had been earlier that morning, when he had awoken from a few hours of restless sleep with his stomach already tied in knots. The knots were still there, but he was less aware of them. Still, he couldn’t help but be afraid. What if... what if something went wrong? What if there were complications, and he died? “Guys,” he said steadily, “I... I just want you to know that if something happens, and I don’t make it... well, um, I... I don’t wanna be buried, okay, I want cremation. And I want you to... to dump my ashes in the ocean... only don’t just dump ‘em, kinda scatter them right along the beach, or... or let the wind carry them... something like that, you know? And-“
“Nicky, what are you talking about?” Howie interrupted him, his brown eyes wide with concern. “Don’t say that, please. Nothing’s going to happen; you’ll come out of this just fine, okay?”
Nick shook his head, tears rapidly rising in his eyes. “N-no, th-they said yesterday that I should think about my... my wishes, just in case... you know... I-I don’t got no will or anything like that, so... so if I die, you guys be in charge of all that, okay? K-Kevin, you do it... I want you guys to have most of my stuff, but give some to AC and the girls, nothing to my mom though, and-“
“Shh, Nick, calm down,” said Kevin in his low, soothing voice. “Thanks for telling us that. Now we know just in case, God forbid, we would need to.”
“Jesus, Kevin,” hissed AJ and then turned a pair of sharp, sunglass-less eyes upon Nick. “Kaos, don’t worry about it, we’re not gonna need to know any of that shit because you’re going to be fine, got it?”
Nick nodded quickly, smiling a little at the serious, yet slightly panicked expression on AJ’s face. “I-I know,” he stammered softly. “Just... just in case, okay?”
He felt Brian gently squeeze his shoulder, meeting Nick’s eyes knowingly. “It’s okay, Nick. I had to do the same thing... think about my last wishes and all that, just in case.”
“But he didn’t need that, and neither will you,” added AJ with the same rapid firmness, and Nick suspected he was trying to reassure himself just as much as he was Nick.
Again, Nick nodded in an attempt to reassure AJ as well. He was freaking out enough as it was; they were supposed to stay relatively calm. Well, at least in front of him anyway - he had visions of AJ pacing back and forth outside with a cigarette in his mouth for the majority of the surgery, which was only supposed to take about an hour. That had surprised him, considering it seemed like such a major process... then again, hacking off a leg couldn’t be too hard, could it?
He felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it and quickly tried to turn his thoughts to something less disturbing. He didn’t have much success. He racked his brain for something to say, something random and stupid and pointless, anything to break the silence and tension. He came up with nothing.
Suddenly, the curtain rattled again, and another face poked around it, this one unfamiliar.
“Hi, it’s just Justin, from transport,” said the curly-haired young man. “And you’d be Mr. Carter?”
“Uh-huh,” Nick croaked.
“Great. They’re ready for you now.”
Any sense of calmness quickly seemed to melt, as panic bubbled in Nick’s throat. “No... oh God... I can’t... please don’t do this...” Tears were rapidly springing to his eyes, but he was too distraught to be humiliated.
Brian quickly seized Nick’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “Shh, calm down, Nick. You have to stay calm. It’s gonna be okay; you’re gonna be fine.”
“But I... I don’t wanna lose my leg,” he whimpered, tears streaming down his cheeks. Though his vision was blurred, he couldn’t help but notice how Kevin and AJ both turned away. And was it just him, or did Brian and Howie look a little misty-eyed too?
“I know, Nick, I know, but you have to. You made the right decision; now you have to get this over with. It won’t be as bad as you think. We’ll be there for you, buddy,” Brian assured him, rubbing the back of his hand.
“Mr. Carter, are you ready?” the orderly, Justin, asked patiently.
Sniffling and trying to stop crying, Nick shakily nodded, knowing he had no other choice. As Justin raised the sides on his gurney, Howie leaned over and attempted to give Nick an awkward hug. “I love you, Nicky. We’ll see you in a couple hours, okay?”
Nick nodded, as Howie backed up to let AJ step forward. Only AJ didn’t step forward, but instead stayed as far back as possible, biting his lip and looking at the ceiling. Nick could see the tears pooling in the corners of his friend’s eyes and did not feel the least bit offended by AJ’s sudden aloofness. AJ McLean did not handle displays of emotion well, and it did not take him hugging Nick and telling him he loved him for Nick to know. They were brothers, after all. Words were not needed. They just knew.
Kevin looked almost calm when he bent over to give Nick a gentle hug, but when Nick noticed the redness around his friend’s green eyes and the slight trembling of his lower lip, he knew otherwise. He said nothing of this though and dutifully patted Kevin’s back, whispering a hoarse, “Love you, Kev.”
“I love you too, Nick,” Kevin said steadily, swiping at the corner of one eye with his index finger, as if brushing away a stray eyelash.
Brian followed suit, hugging Nick with tears sparkling in his crystalline eyes. “See you in a little while. I love you, Nick.”
“Love you too, Bri,” Nick whispered as he clutched his best friend’s small frame.
Now that they had all said their goodbyes, Nick felt himself begin to move, as Justin pushed the gurney from behind, slowly wheeling him out of his curtained corral. His four bandmates were at his side the whole time, walking slowly with him as he was taken out of the holding area and down a long hall. Stopping outside a pair of doors marked “Authorized Personnel Only,” Justin said, “This is the furthest you guys can go. There’s a few waiting rooms back that way down the hall if you want to wait on this floor.”
They nodded reluctantly and turned without speaking, only sending tearful smiles and reassuring nods in Nick’s direction before they started back down the hall. Justin had just pressed a button that opened the double doors when AJ came running back, his footsteps pounding on the shiny, tiled floor.
“Hey, Nicky,” he said breathlessly, stopping beside the gurney, “um, I just wanted to say that...”
Nick smiled a little, watching awkwardly as AJ struggled to say the words...
“... I, uh... “ AJ’s voice grew gruff. “I’m gonna see about having some Playboy pin-ups mounted on the ceiling above your bed when you get back to your room, so, uh, look forward to that, okay, Kaos?” Blinking rapidly, he flashed a wicked grin.
That brought a genuine smile to Nick’s face, as his heart swelled with emotion. “Sounds good, J,” he managed.
“Um, Nick, that’s not really all I wanted to-“
“It’s okay, Bone,” Nick interrupted him softly. “You don’t gotta say it. I know.”
AJ smiled and looked away for a moment, then quickly grabbed Nick’s hand and gave it a brief squeeze. “Hang in there, man,” he said softly. “See ya.”
“See ya,” Nick echoed hollowly, as AJ started back down the hall, and Justin pushed his gurney on through those double doors, which very well might have been the gateway to Hell, in Nick’s mind at least.
He was met by a group of people who were all “gowned up” in scrubs and surgical caps, masks, and gowns. Their sanitary garb reminded him of the times he had gone to visit Claire in isolation the previous summer. He felt a lump rise in his throat, along with the sudden urge to see her again. He wished she were there with him... just having her nearby might comfort him, as it had when he was afraid and alone in the ICU, and she had come to visit.
But it was too late to think of that now. Already, he was being brought into a bright, sterile operating room, where stainless steel equipment gleamed sinisterly. The surgical team parked his gurney right next to the table in the center of the room and helped him slide over to it. From there, they instantly began swarming around him, each doing their assigned part to finish preparing him for surgery.
“Hi, Nick,” said a voice, and he looked up to see a vaguely familiar pair of eyes peering at him from above a blue mask.
“Dr. K,” he realized, oddly consoled by his doctor’s presence.
Her eyes crinkled in the corners as she smiled beneath the mask. “I’m going to scrub in and observe the surgery, so I’ll be right here with you the whole time, okay?” He felt her hand on his upper arm and nodded in relief. “The anesthesiologist will be here in a minute to put you under, and when you wake up, the surgery will be over, and you’ll be in post-op,” Dr. Kingsbury explained. “You’ll feel pretty out of it from the anesthesia and will probably just want to sleep, which is the best thing you can do. You might be in some discomfort, but you’ll be on a morphine drip for the pain, so it shouldn’t be too bad. You might have what are called ‘phantom pains’ though... a lot of people say they feel like their leg is still there and that it hurts, but that feeling will go away as your body adjusts. Your throat might be sore too because they’ll put in a breathing tube after they put you to sleep. You’ll also have a foley cath in your bladder to drain urine so that you won’t need to get up to use the bathroom, and you’ll be on oxygen for at least a little while. Do you have any questions?”
Nick just shook his head miserably, almost wishing she hadn’t given him all that information. He wondered if he could get them to just knock him out for a week or two and let him sleep through all the pain and mortification he would have otherwise have to endure.
Dr. Kingsbury nodded. “Okay then. Don’t you worry, you’re going to do just fine.” She patted his arm again and then stepped back, letting an unfamiliar woman come forward.
“I’m Dr. Stevens, your anesthesiologist,” she announced. “Have you had anesthesia by mask before?”
“Um... no,” Nick said uncertainly. “I-I think they put it in my IV last time...” He was trying to recall the biopsy he had gone through a year ago, almost to the day, right before he had first been diagnosed.
“Oh wow, sweets. You may be my first patient this week who hasn’t. Okay, I’m going to put a mask over your mouth and nose, and when I do, I want you to breathe in deeply. Try to count down from one hundred in your head; I bet you won’t make it past ninety.”
He wanted to erase the smugness from her eyes by telling her that he damn well would make it past ninety. Then he realized that was really quite a stupid thing to strive for, and why would he want to stay awake past ninety anyway? Maybe he’d end up staying awake the whole time, and wouldn’t that suck? A tremor ran through him as he thought vaguely of the surgical horror stories he’d heard bits of on TV, stories of people who had been given the wrong anesthesia and ended up paralyzed, but not numbed, able to feel everything that was happening to them, but not communicate it.
“What if it doesn’t work?” he blurted in a panic.
“It’ll work right away; I guarantee it,” she replied. “I’m the best, after all.”
He grimaced, just wanting to inhale the stuff and get this over with.
“Okay, Mr. Carter,” said Dr. Stevens, lowering a mask over his face. He caught a whiff of something that smelled like oranges as her hands neared his face, but it was quickly replaced by an odor that was just plain funky-smelling when the mask was placed over his mouth and nose. “Deep breath in,” instructed the anesthesiologist, and Nick obeyed. “Now count back. One hundred... ninety-nine...”
But Nick did not want to count. As the strange-smelling gas filled his nostrils, he could only chant inwardly, please God... please let this go okay...
He had never been religious like Brian, never been one to pray or talk to God. But if there was one thing he needed now, it was strength, and it was for this that he prayed.
Please God... give me strength...
That was the last thought he had as his eyelids grew heavy and began to droop, the world he had once known fading away to darkness, never to return.
For when he came out of that darkness, both his body and his world would be forever changed.
***
