“Kev?” Nick rasped, his voice still coming out soft and gravelly. Still, it was enough to arouse Kevin from his apparent light sleep because he jerked in his chair, his eyes flying open. After looking around in confusion for a moment, he spotted Nick and offered him a slight smile.
“Hey, you finally woke up.” He swallowed and stood up, slowly dragging his chair closer to Nick’s bed. “How ya doing, buddy? Are you in any pain?” he asked maternally, lines of concern etched in his forehead as he surveyed Nick.
“No,” Nick murmured. “They gave me some shit for the pain, didn’t they?”
Kevin smiled. “Yeah, they sure did. Actually, they’ve got you on this machine that lets you control your own pain meds. If you’re hurting, you just push a button, and it’ll give you a dose of morphine or something through your IV. Your surgeon was explaining it to us; it sounds pretty cool.”
“Yeah? Well, what if I press the button too many times and OD?” Nick asked, smirking despite his grogginess.
“Nice try, Kaos,” Kevin said, looking at Nick disapprovingly. “You can’t do that; we already asked. It’ll stop giving you more meds once you’ve reached your max dosage.”
“Damn.”
Kevin let out a weak chuckle and then fell silent. Nick, meanwhile, lay lifelessly in bed, suddenly very aware of how exhausted he felt. His whole body felt heavy and flaccid, like a rag doll stuffed with lead, and moving even a little seemed a chore. But suddenly, his curiosity got the better of him, and he just had to ask.
“Did they really cut it off?”
Kevin’s brow furrowed woefully, and he nodded, looking away from Nick and toward the floor. Nick’s throat felt tight, as tears threatened. Kevin was a reliable source, and there was no doubt that it was the truth, that his left leg was really gone. But somehow, it would not be real until he had physical proof, until he saw it with his own eyes. Blinking rapidly, he swallowed hard and managed to whisper, “I wanna see it.”
Kevin looked up sharply and immediately began to shake his head. “No, buddy... you need to stay lying down and get some rest, okay? You can look later.”
“No.” Drained as he was, Nick’s stubborn streak was as strong as ever, and he wasn’t about to back down. “I wanna see it,” he repeated. But the truth was, he didn’t want to see what had been done to him. He had to.
Kevin sighed. “Are you sure, Nick?” he asked pleadingly, as if he hoped Nick would change his mind.
But Nick wasn’t going to change his mind. “Yes. Help me sit up.”
Kevin gave up. “Alright, if you’re sure,” he relented. “Let’s see if I can figure out this bed of yours and get the head to go up.” He fumbled around beside the bed for few moments, and then, as a soft whirring noise sounded, the head of the bed began to rise slowly, propping Nick up with it.
Nick closed his eyes as his head was raised and kept them closed until the bed stopped moving. Then he sucked in a deep breath and let his eyes open again. They traveled quickly down his right leg, which stretched out straight in front of him, creating a long lump beneath the thin bedcovers, and up again. And then they shifted to the left side. There was another bulge there, where his thigh protruded. And then... nothing. Where there should have been another long lump, parallel to the one on the right, the blankets simply lay flat, undisturbed by the absence of the limb that should have rested beneath them.
Nick closed his eyes momentarily and then, with hesitance, opened them again. But the sight had not changed, and he was sure it would remain forever engrained in his mind. He realized this was a sight he would see every morning for the rest of his life. As soon as he woke up, he would sit up and be immediately reminded that he was missing a leg, that he was an amputee, that he was a freak.
Still staring at that empty space on the bed where his left leg should have been, he felt chills ripple down his spine, and he suddenly felt cold all over. Hot tears filled his eyes, contrasting with the icy sensation that permeated his body. He tried in vain to hold them back, to hide them, but Kevin noticed right away, and instantly, Nick felt his older brother’s large hand grip his shoulder.
“Are you all right?” Kevin asked slightly, his voice cracking.
Looking away, Nick bobbed his head, but the tears that trickled from the corners of his eyes were proof that he was anything but “all right.”
“Nicky?” Kevin reached out and gently cupping Nick’s chin, turning his head so that their eyes met. “It’s okay to cry. You don’t have to hide that from me, you know. I just want you to know, Nick, that if I could, I would trade places with you.” Nick started to roll his eyes, but Kevin gripped his chin tighter and said devotedly, “I mean it, I would. I hate that this had to happen to you, and I hate that there’s nothing I could have done to stop it or to protect you from it. But it happened, and all I can do now is offer my support. So Nick, I’m here for you... we’re all here for you... and we’re going to help you through this. And you will get through this, Nick, you will. You’ll get used to it, and you’ll go on with the rest of your life, and we’ll be right there at your side the whole time. Okay?”
Nick sniffled and smiled a little. Kevin could be so cheesy. And yet... God, he loved the guy. And he wanted so much to believe in his words, to believe that things would get better, that he would be able to endure this trial and go on with his life. Maybe it was idealistic, maybe not. But, looking at the void beneath the covers, he felt a surge of determination pump through his broken body and wanted with all his heart to turn Kevin’s ideals into reality.
Kevin’s eyes shone with intensity, and as Nick looked into them, he gave a short nod. “Okay.”
***
It took another day before Nick was brave enough to look under the covers, and when he did, it required sedation to keep him from hyperventilating. The sight of the stump that ended just above where his knee had once been, encased in a hard plaster cast from which a thin plastic drainage tube protruded, made it all too real to Nick, and to state it bluntly, he had freaked out. Plain and simple. And then the guys, who had been with him at the time, had started freaking out as well, and Howie had run to get a nurse, who had injected something into his IV, and then he had promptly passed out and slept for several hours.
So all in all, Day 2 had not been a very good day.
At first, it seemed like Day 3 was going to be better. The morning started out right, with a nurse coming to remove both the drainage tube and the foley catheter, leaving Nick free from all tubes except for the two IV lines he had running into his left arm, one giving him fluids, the other dispensing pain medication at his command. He was lying in bed, watching the Saturday morning cartoons with Brian and Kevin (AJ and Howie were still asleep at his house) and feeling a little numb, a little out of it, but overall not too bad, when another nurse strode in and announced, “Rise and shine, Mr. Carter, it’s time to get up.”
Nick blinked. “I’m up,” he told her flatly.
“No, I mean up up, as in out of bed.”
Nick stared at her blankly. “And how the hell am I supposed to do that? I can’t walk.”
“Don’t worry, you won’t have to walk. We’ll progress to that later. For now, we’re just going to try getting you into a chair so you can sit up out of bed for awhile. How does that sound?”
“No thanks,” Nick murmured. “I just wanna stay here.”
“Sorry, it’s not really up to you, hon. Now, excuse me, sir-“ She pointed to Brian, who had stretched himself out in a recliner in the corner, while Kevin had settled for a hard, straight-backed visitor chair. “-Can I ask you to get up? I’d like to move that recliner over beside his bed.”
“Oh, sure.” Brian jumped out of the chair and helped the nurse drag it to the bed, while Nick looked on in trepidation. Glancing over at Kevin, he saw that his older brother looked just as wary.
“Um, excuse me, ma’am, but do you think he should be doing this so soon? He just had surgery two days ago,” Kevin said to the nurse.
“I know, and it’s important for patients to get up and move a little as soon as possible after surgery. Otherwise complications could develop – blood clots, pneumonia, that kind of thing,” the nurse replied briskly.
“She’s right, Kev,” Brian added. “They did the same thing to me, hauled my butt out of bed the day after surgery. Don’t you remember?”
The way Kevin bit his lip, Nick could tell he did remember, and he clearly hadn’t liked the idea one bit then either.
“Um, Erin?” Nick said, glancing at the nurse’s nametag as she pulled back his covers, neatly folding them over at the foot of the bed. “I really don’t think I can do this...” Even though the chair was just a few feet away from the bed, it looked like miles, and he still felt so weak. Even sitting propped up in bed made him tire quickly, and he didn’t see how he was ever going to manage getting into that recliner.
“Yes, you can. I’ll help you,” Erin assured him. “And maybe if I could get one of you gentlemen to help too?” She gave Brian and Kevin a meaningful look, and both of them jumped to volunteer. “You,” Erin directed, motioning to Kevin, “come around to the other side of the bed. Nick, we’re going to help you sit up first.”
With Erin on one side, and Kevin on the other to support him, Nick sat up without the aid of the bed. That was the easy part. He still had to get out of the bed, and that was going to be the hard part. Slowly, Erin and Kevin helped Nick scoot so that he was sitting on the side of the bed, his right foot planted on the ground.
“Okay, Nick, we’re going to stand you up, nice and slow. Let me know if you get dizzy or are in pain. We’re going to support most of your weight, and you just put your arms over our shoulders and lean on us, all right?” Erin explained patiently. Nick nodded dutifully, feeling humiliated as Kevin and Erin slid their arms under his to support him. It was difficult to accept that fact that he was so helpless, he had to be helped out of bed like this.
Slowly and steadily, Erin and Kevin helped pull him up, and soon he was standing on his wobbly right leg. Almost bearing his full weight, the two guided him to the recliner and carefully eased him into it, while Brian guided his IV pole. Erin reclined the chair, putting the foot rest up and tucking a pillow under his stump to prop it up a bit. “Are you comfortable?” she asked, spreading a blanket over his lap.
In truth, Nick was rather woozy, but there was no way he was getting back out of the chair now that he was finally there, so he replied with a short “yeah.”
“Good,” Erin smiled. “Feels good to be out of bed, doesn’t it?”
Not really, Nick thought, but he pasted a slight smile on his face and nodded anyway. Erin smiled back.
“Excellent. I’ll let you sit up for awhile then; just call if you need something.” And with that, the nurse left.
“How you doing, kiddo?” Kevin asked, ruffling Nick’s hair.
“Fine,” Nick said flatly, frowning at the nickname. Kiddo. He certainly didn’t feel much like a kid anymore. Up until just over a year ago, he had acted just like an overgrown child most of the time... fun-loving, carefree for the most part.
And then everything had changed.
And now, at twenty-four, he was very much an adult. One year felt like ten, and just the past few weeks had aged him greatly, or so it seemed. Gone was the youthful Backstreet Boy who loved to perform, loved to party, loved to drink, and loved his women. He was as removed from his old life as his leg was from his body. He had changed physically, he had changed emotionally, and he would never be that same Nick Carter again.
***
