There were, however, other symptoms. For one thing, he was tired and fatigued all the time, which was definitely putting a damper on his physical therapy sessions. He still had them three times a week, and he was making progress, becoming steadier and speedier on his prosthesis, but the rate of improvement had definitely slowed. On top of that, the canker sores that had bothered him before were back, and oddly enough, his sense of taste was messed up too. It seemed that half the food he did manage to eat when he was not sick to his stomach tasted funny. Some things tasted like metal, and others were just so gross he could not bear to choke them down.
“Yeah, that’s normal,” Claire said as he was explaining this to her one Saturday afternoon. “I remember it was like that for me my first time on chemo. I practically lived off of milkshakes, I’m telling you... those were like the only thing that tasted right. You can make them out of SlimFast or the Carnation kind or something, and then you can get nutrition from them too.”
“Hey, we should try that,” said Howie, looking at Nick. “AJ or I could run to the store later and pick up some of that Carnation instant stuff.”
“Sure, whatever,” replied Nick. “J, it’s your turn, dude, go.”
“I’m going, I’m going,” AJ remarked, picking up the pair of dice and shaking them around in his fist. “FUCK!” he cried as he rolled them. “Damnit, D, how the hell did you get Boardwalk andPark Place, and how the hell do I keep landing on them?”
“I don’t know, but thanks to you, I’m going to be able to buy another house for each of them,” Howie said with glee as AJ grudgingly shoved a wad of pastel bills into his hand.
“You suck,” grumbled AJ, as Claire swiped the dice from the middle of the game board to take her turn.
Claire had come over that afternoon following Nick’s chemo treatment in the morning, and they had decided to play Monopoly to pass the time. Nick had gone straight to bed, as he usually did, so they had set up there, and now Claire, Howie, and AJ were all squished onto the large bed with the game board in the center. It jostled every time one of them moved, sending houses and hotels scattering, so maybe it wasn’t the most practical setup, but none of them really cared. It looked like the game was going to be over soon anyway, with AJ almost bankrupt, Howie and Claire owning most of the board, and Nick somewhere in between.
“Your turn, Nick,” said Claire, handing him the dice. “And you’re approaching the Dorough Dominion of Doom, so look out.”
“Dorough Do-what?”
“Boardwalk and Park Place, dumbass,” AJ said, grabbing Nick’s foot through the covers. Nick squirmed and kicked involuntarily beneath the covers, accidentally kneeing Claire and upsetting the board once again. “Oh, good going, Carter!”
“You tickled my foot!”
“I didn’t know you were ticklish,” said Claire with an amused smile.
“Yeah, well isn’t everybody? On the bottom of their feet, I mean?”
She shrugged. “I’m not. Not really. But I guess my feet are kind of tough and gross from going around barefoot all the time,” she added, practically thrusting one of her bare feet into his face. “See?”
“Ew, get that thing away from me, it smells!” Nick exclaimed, swatting her foot away.
“Hey, are we gonna finish this game?” asked Howie. “Come on, Nick, roll.”
“I don’t wanna roll now that I’m approaching the Dorough Domination of Death!”
“Dominion of- oh whatever, just go!”
Nick gave the dice a hearty shake and let them fall onto the game board. Frowning, he plucked up his silver playing piece – the boat, naturally – and moved it around the board, counting off the numbers on the dice under his breath. “8... oh no... 9... 10. Aww, shit.”
“Haha, pay up, buddy!” Howie extended his hand again as Nick slammed his boat down onto the Boardwalk square.
“Are you sure I counted right?” he asked pleadingly, eyeing the square he had started on.
“You sure did. $1400, please.”
“Fourteen hundred?! Well, damn, I lose. Here.” With a huff, Nick tossed his meager pile of Monopoly money in Howie’s direction while AJ cackled victoriously, apparently pleased to have come in only second-to-last place as opposed to dead last.
“You think this game is about over?” Claire asked, glancing across the board at Howie. “I say you win.”
“I say that sounds good,” agreed Howie.
“Yeah, well, winner picks up!” AJ announced, sliding off the end of the bed. “I’m gonna go grab an O’Doules. Want one, Nickster?”
“Sure. Claire?”
“Uh... do you have any real beer in the house? Like the alcoholic kind?”
Howie laughed. “That’s my girl! We’ve got Bud Light too, will that work?”
“Yeah, that’d be great!”
AJ and Howie went to grab beers, which left Claire and Nick to pick up the game. “Wow, is it really almost five o’clock?” Nick asked, noticing his alarm clock.
“Yeah. Monopoly takes forever,” said Claire as she sorted money.
“I know. So... are you gonna hang around or what? You don’t have to, you know,” he added quickly. “I mean, it’s a Saturday night and all... you should be out having fun, not sitting around with me.”
“What, we’re not having fun?” she asked, folding the game board and laying it in the box.
Nick gave her a look. “You know what I mean. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to stay here and keep me occupied.”
“Hey, it’s no problem. I mean, unless you don’t want me to stay and are just dropping hints to get me to leave.” She grinned teasingly, and he returned the smile.
“No way,” he replied. “But, I just...”
“Don’t worry about it. I don’t have anything better to do, and besides, you once hauled your ass all the way back from New York to come see me in the hospital. I owe ya.” She winked, probably expecting him to reply with some sarcastic comeback, but instead, he only began to feel guilty.
“That was different. You don’t owe me anything, Claire. Seriously, just cause I’m having a lame, boring Saturday night doesn’t mean you have to too.”
“Hey, who said anything about lame and boring?” AJ said loudly as he and Howie strolled back into the room. He handed Nick a non-alcoholic beer and then popped the top on his own, taking a long swig. “The party’s just getting started, baby!” he exclaimed, smacking his lips.
Howie rolled his eyes. “So what’s next on the agenda?” he asked, passing Claire a Bud Light. “How are you feeling, Nick?”
“Okay,” said Nick, taking a sip of his beer and wishing he could drink the alcoholic kind. He would love to get nice and plastered right about now. Of course, then he’d probably end up praying to the porcelain gods all night again, and he’d already had his share of bathroom worship. He’d learned the hard way a long time ago – drinking and chemo did not mix.
“You wanna watch a movie?” suggested Howie, and the others nodded in agreement.
“Claire,” said Nick, “you’re the lady; you pick the movie.”
“Lady?” scoffed Claire. “Okay... did you guys get The Matrix: Revolutions DVD?”
“Yeah,” said Nick. “Wanna watch that?”
“Yeah! I haven’t seen it since it came out in theaters, and I’m too poor to buy the DVD right now.”
“Well, I’ll know what to get you for your birthday then, huh?” Nick said with a wink. “Hey, when the hell is your birthday anyway?”
“March fifteenth. Sorry, buddy, you missed it,” she said with a smirk.
“Really? Shit, how’d I miss it? You should have told me!”
“Uh, I don’t think we were speaking then actually.”
“Oh... right.” Nick smiled awkwardly. “Well... I can buy it for you for Christmas then.”
She snorted. “Christmas? I’m sure I’ll have saved up enough to afford it by Christmas. At least, I would hope so! But I don’t know; they are cutting my hours...”
“They’re cutting your hours? How come?”
“Eh, they hired a new dentist. Young guy, fresh out of dental school. And so, since we’ll be able to handle more patients with two dentists instead of one, they went and hired a couple new hygienists too, and... yeah, basically those of us that worked there already are getting our hours cut,” she explained, rolling her eyes.
“Ah... I see,” said Nick, even though he really didn’t understand what an inconvenience it might be to get your hours cut. After all, he’d never had a job that fit the typical definition of the word “job.” Singing was the only “job” he’d ever had, and it was a career very unlike the ones most people pursued.
“Um, excuse me, people, can we cut the chit-chat here?” AJ lisped in some random impression, pointing at the large TV screen. “The movie’s ready.”
“Hit the lights, Howie,” Nick commanded, scooting down further in bed and lying back against his pillows. “And y’all gonna have to move cause I can’t see.”
AJ shot Nick a disdainful look from his perch on the foot of the bed. “Well, for sure, your majesty. I’ll get right on that.”
“No, get off,” Nick corrected, attempting to kick AJ, which didn’t really work out too well considering his foot was trapped beneath his covers.
“You heard him – move,” said Claire, giving AJ a playful shove. AJ toppled off the bed, arms flailing exaggeratedly, and landed on the floor, which he apparently decided was good enough for him, for he sat there, his back pressed against the foot of the bed. After turning off the lights, Howie joined him on the floor, while Claire crawled up toward the head of the bed. “You move too,” she whispered loudly. “Scooch over.”
Obediently, though with some effort, Nick managed to scoot himself over to the left side of the bed so that she could occupy the right. He stretched his arm out invitingly, and without a word, she lay down beside him, letting his arm come around her.
Lightly running his fingertips up and down her arm, he was again taken back to that night in the movie theater, when he’d held her close and kissed her. Part of him wanted to kiss her again, but he didn’t dare. That first kiss had still not been brought up, and until some things had been discussed, their relationship had to remain strictly platonic. Things in his life were complicated enough as it was; he wasn’t about to make a move on her again and ruin the friendship they had. He couldn’t bear the thought of being separated from her again. He needed her.
Then again, maybe he was being selfish. Here it was a Saturday evening, just after five, and she was stuck watching a movie here with him. If his life had been normal, he would have been out on the town with his friends. She had gone through so much, months of chemotherapy, weeks of isolation and hospitalization... and now that she was healthy and back to normal, she should be out doing the things she hadn’t been able to do a year ago. She should be out enjoying the second chance at life she’d been given, not sharing in his misery.
He recalled how she’d urged him to go ahead to Los Angeles to finish the Backstreet Boys album while she’d been recovering from her transplant. Shouldn’t be urging her to do the same? Not go to LA and record an album, exactly, but just to go out and live her life? She had been at his house pretty much every day since he’d come home from the hospital, and though he always looked forward to her visits, he knew she was spending most of her time either working or with him, and it just wasn’t fair to her. Maybe it was time to cut her loose, to let her go.
Wasn’t there some saying about that? If you love it, let it go... if it comes back, it was meant to be.
Maybe that was what needed to happen with him and Claire. The last thing he wanted was for her to start to resent him. Maybe he should be separated from her, at least until he was fully rehabilitated and healthy again and could give her what she needed.
“Nick, are you watching? You’re spacing out on me,” Claire said softly, nudging him in the side.
“Huh? Oh, sorry.” Quickly forcing himself to pay attention to the action of the movie, Nick came to one conclusion.
Maybe he just thought too much.
***
