The first Saturday in July, Nick had an appointment scheduled with Dr. Kingsbury. It had now been a month since he had decided to end his chemotherapy regime, three months since the amputation, and over four months since his last bone marrow aspiration, so he figured he would have to endure another one of those. At least it wouldn’t come as an unpleasant surprise.
But, as it turned out, there was a surprise waiting for him in the oncology clinic that day. Literally waiting. In the waiting room.
Claire.
He saw her as soon as he came in. She was sitting in a chair across the room, her legs crossed, her foot jiggling as she leafed through a magazine. She did not look up when he came in. Hoping she would not notice him, he checked in quietly at the receptionist’s desk and carefully selected a seat as far away from her as he could get.
He picked up a random magazine and pretended to be very interested in it, although instead he was thinking how glad he was that he had come in alone. AJ had brought him to his appointment that day, but as AJ hated needles and basically anything to do with hospitals, he had been more than happy to drop Nick off and pick him back up when he was finished. And it was a good thing too because he was sure AJ would have seen Claire right away and struck up a conversation with her, and that was not something he wanted.
It had been over a month since he had seen her, and they hadn’t spoken at all since she had stalked out of his room, hurt and upset by the lies he had forced himself to feed her. So many times he had fought the urge to pick up the phone and call her, to apologize for what he had said, to tell her the truth and beg for forgiveness. On several occasions, he had been halfway through dialing her phone number when he had lost his nerve and abruptly hung up before he could finish. It’s for the best, he always told himself. She’s probably moved on; the last thing she needs is me back in her life.
But the truth was, he was just afraid. Afraid of what, he was not quite sure. Rejection, maybe. The fear of having her scream at him over the phone or, worse, just hang up on him. The fear of her hating him for what he had done. Really, he was not quite sure why she shouldn’t hate him. After what he had said, she had every reason to. But the possibility of her hating him, when he cared about her so much, was more than he could bear to think about. In a way, not knowing how she felt was better than knowing that she would never forgive him for pushing her away.
And this was why he chose to ignore her in the waiting room, to immerse himself in the crinkled copy of Seventeen he had scooped up and pretend he had never seen her.
But she had seen him, and it was not long before a body plopped down into the seat next to him, and a familiar voice asked, “So how long were you planning to sit here and act like you didn’t see me?”
Guiltily, Nick lowered his magazine and looked over at her, his face growing red hot. Damn. The good thing about Claire had always been that she understood him when others didn’t. But that could be a curse too, as he now realized. She’d hit the nail on the head and seen right through his charade.
“Hey, Claire,” he mumbled, avoiding her eyes and wishing for once that they’d just hurry up and call him back. Somehow he thought he would be more comfortable lying on an examining table with a giant needle in his hip than sitting there beside her.
“Hi,” she said shortly and then waited expectantly for him to say something else. But he didn’t know what to say.
“Claire?” called a voice, and Nick looked up to see the short, brunette nurse named Kathryn waiting in the doorway for Claire. Saved by the Kat, he thought with relief as Claire stood up. For a moment, he thought she was just going to walk away, and she did start to. But then she turned back.
“Look, Nick,” she said quickly, her voice softening, “I have no idea what’s going on, but I would really like to talk to you later. Will you meet me when you’re done with your appointment?”
“Okay,” Nick automatically agreed, before he could think twice and stop himself.
She nodded solemnly, no trace of a smile on her face. “I’ll wait for you if I get done first,” she said, and with that, she turned and followed Kat out of the waiting room.
***
When Nick made it back into the waiting room after his appointment, escorted by his nurse Marianne, Claire was indeed waiting for him. She looked up in concern when he shambled in, leaning heavily on Marianne. Climbing slowly to her feet, she walked over to meet him, murmuring discretely, “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” he muttered. The truth was, his hip was killing him from the bone marrow test he’d just had to suffer through, and it made walking extremely difficult. Dr. Kingsbury had done it on the right side this time instead of the left, which was better, but he was still having trouble.
“Are you sure you don’t want a wheelchair, Mr. Carter?” Marianne asked as she helped him to the door.
“No, I’m good,” he insisted, too stubborn to admit defeat and ride the rest of the way in a wheelchair.
The nurse sighed, looking at him skeptically. Turning her gaze on Claire, she asked, “Are you leaving with him, hon?”
“Yeah, I am,” replied Claire. “Don’t worry, I won’t let him fall.” She took Marianne’s place on Nick’s left side, sliding her arm under his and around his back to help support him.
“Alright then. Have a nice day, both of you,” said Marianne.
“You too,” Nick and Claire both echoed as they made their way out the door. Once out in the hallway, Nick muttered, “You don’t have to do that, I can walk.”
“Right,” Claire said, but did not let go of him. She knew just as well as he that he was hardly able to walk on his own with his hip as stiff as it was, and with a sigh, he slung his arm over her shoulders and let her help him. “We probably look like a couple of ninety-year-olds,” Claire snickered as they shuffled at a snail’s pace down the hall.
Nick cracked a smile. “Yeah,” he chuckled. “Guess I should have brought a cane with me or something.”
“Uh-huh. So you had a bone marrow, I take it?”
“Yeah.”
“Me too. Always a good time.”
Nick glanced over at her. “You must be hurting too then.”
“Just a little sore. No big deal; I’m used to it by now,” she remarked casually. They reached the elevators, and she pressed the down button. “So did you drive in yourself, or is one of the guys supposed to pick you up?”
“AJ’s picking me up,” replied Nick. “He would have come in, but he’s terrified of needles.”
Claire let out a snort. “Really? AJ?” she said, incredulous. “And how many tattoos does he have exactly?”
Nick chuckled. “Yeah, he doesn’t seem to mind those needles. Go figure.”
With a ding, the elevator arrived, and they went inside it, glad to see there was no one else there. The ride down to the main floor was filled with an awkward silence which reminded Nick that he and Claire still had a lot to settle. They couldn’t keep just making small talk; eventually, she would bring up what had happened, and he would be forced to somehow justify his actions.
They got off on the first floor and walked slowly through the lobby to the main entrance. “Do you want to come with me instead of AJ?” Claire asked, as they went outside. “So we can talk?”
“Sure,” Nick said unenthusiastically, dreading their “talk,” yet knowing he could not refuse her. “He should be pulling up any minute, but I’ll just call him on his cell and tell him to go on home.” He fished his own cell phone out of the side pocket of his baggy cargo pants and flipped it open, punching the speed dial for AJ.
“Hold your horses, Kaos, I’m about to turn into the parking lot right now,” was AJ’s greeting when he answered his phone. “I told you I’d get here at noon, and it’s 11:58, so chill.”
“Hey, I didn’t say nothin’!” Nick exclaimed. “I just wanted to let you know that, um, I met up with, uh, Claire here, and we’re gonna go talk and, um, she’ll bring me home later, I guess, so you don’t have to pick me up.” He stammered this all quite quickly, dreading AJ’s reaction on the other end.
“Ohhh, I see,” AJ replied exaggeratedly, throwing in a suggestive cackle for good measure. “Well, in that case, you and Claire have fun ‘talking,’ Nicky my man. I’ll see you later.”
Nick rolled his eyes. “Bye, J,” he mumbled and turned off his phone. Dropping it back into his pocket, he said to Claire, “Okay, let’s go.”
“Okay. Here, you sit on this bench, and I’ll go get my car, okay? That way you won’t have to walk so far.” He reluctantly let her guide him to one of the two benches conveniently placed in front of the hospital entrance and left him to go find her car.
A few minutes later, her old Toyota came rumbling around the circular drive and stopped right in front of where he was sitting. Throwing the car into park, Claire hopped out and came around to help him. He hated the feeling of having to depend on her, but his hip had stiffened up even more, and trying to walk on his prosthesis without any kind of support was painfully hard. He was glad she was at least willing to help him and wondered if she’d rather shove him to the ground and beat him senseless with his own prosthesis.
He smirked, amusing himself with that thought. Of course, it would be even better if she was beating up someone other than him. Like... Leah? Yeah, that would be good. Especially if they both happened to be wearing string bikinis at the time...
“What are you smiling at?” Claire asked, as she helped him into the passenger seat of her car.
“Nothing,” Nick said quickly, sobering.
“So, where should we go?” Claire asked, as she got in on her side and fastened her seatbelt. Putting the car into drive, she pulled around and headed for the exit of the parking lot.
“I dunno,” replied Nick. “Could we just stay in the car? I dunno if I can get up again...”
Claire laughed lightly. “Sure.”
They ended up going through the McDonald’s Drive-Thru for milkshakes, and then Claire turned off of the highway and onto one of the back roads. They rode in silence as she directed the car away from the urban area. Finally, she pulled over to the side of a practically deserted strip of road, parked in the shade of large Spanish moss tree, and shut off the engine. It was suddenly very quiet, and all Nick could hear was the sound of birds chirping as he rolled down his window.
Claire unbuckled her seatbelt and took a small sip of her milkshake. “So,” she said, “how have you been?”
“Okay,” he shrugged, glad she wasn’t jumping right in with the obvious. More small talk was good.
“You still have your hair,” she said, studying him. “I thought-“
“I quit,” he stated bluntly.
“You quit the chemo?” He nodded. “Oh,” she said, and that was it.
“Um, how about you? How have you been?” he asked, directing the question back at her.
“Fine,” she replied.
“What was your appointment today for? Just a check-up?”
“Yeah. Every three months, at least for the first year after the transplant,” she replied.
“Ah,” he said with a nod of understanding.
They fell into silence again, and Nick took a lengthy sip of his shake, glad for something to do. But the silence didn’t last.
“So,” Claire said finally, resting her arms on the steering wheel and staring straight ahead, not looking at him. “What’s the deal?”
“What’s the deal with what?” Nick asked lamely, knowing exactly what she meant.
“You know exactly what I mean, so don’t play dumb with me, Nick.”
Damn.
“Claire... I...” Nick struggled, unsure of what to say. He finally decided to just apologize. “I’m sorry,” he said truthfully. She looked over at him, her lips pursed in a thin line. He could tell she expected him to say more. “I didn’t mean what I said,” he added.
“Then why did you say it?” she asked quietly.
“I...” He sighed, raking a hand through his hair. How was he supposed to explain himself? He knew he had hurt her, but he hadn’t wanted to hurt her. He just felt like he had to. For her sake. But somehow he didn’t think she would see it that way. “I dunno, Claire,” he answered desperately. “Sometimes people just say stuff without meaning it. Just know that it wasn’t true, okay?”
“What parts weren’t true?” she pried, and he found himself thinking back to that conversation, trying to remember exactly what he’d said to her.
“I want to talk about what happened three weeks ago, in the movie theater.”
Nick’s heart sank. Why did she have to bring that up? The kiss.... His heart began to race just thinking about it. “What about it?” he asked weakly.
“What about it?” Claire repeated incredulously. “Don’t you dare sit there and pretend it was nothing because to me, it was definitely something!” Pausing, she studied him for a moment and then added, her voice faltering slightly, “I-it was something for you too... wasn’t it?”
Yes! Nick’s mind screamed, but, trying to keep his expression neutral, he simply shrugged. “I don’t know, Claire,” he mumbled. “It was a kiss. I’ve kissed lots of girls.”
Her nostrils flared in anger. “Oh, I see. So I’m just another one of your little toys, is that it?” He kept silent. “Well, thanks, Nick, I really appreciate you playing me like that. You know, I thought that we had something that night in the movie theater. I thought that kiss meant something, and I’ve been waiting weeks to find out exactly what. I just assumed you hadn’t brought it up yet because the time wasn’t right, with you starting chemo and everything. But now I know why. You didn’t see the need to talk about it cause it meant nothing to you.”
You’re wrong, Nick thought miserably, but he didn’t say that. He didn’t say anything at all, which seemed to enrage Claire even more.
“Will you please say something?” she demanded. “Look at me!”
He looked up. “You’re right, Claire,” he said through clenched teeth. “It meant nothing. I felt nothing. It was just a kiss, nothing special.”
The truth was, none of it was true, and with all his heart, he wanted to be able to tell her that, to assure her that the kiss had meant as much to him as it apparently had to her. But that would mean confessing his true feelings to her, and he wasn’t quite brave enough to do that. The first time he had, he’d been shot down. Now he didn’t know what to think. The kiss had been special for her; she had admitted that. And at one point, almost a year ago, she had told him she was falling in love with him. But had her feelings changed? She was clearly angry with him, and he didn’t blame her for it one bit. But underneath that, did she still care for him?
Even if she does, you don’t deserve her, he told himself.
“Okay, fine,” Claire sighed, apparently frustrated with his silence. “I get it, okay?” Get what? Nick wondered, confused. “I misread you, Nick. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting you in that position. Especially right then, after the kind of day you’d had. I don’t blame you for being harsh; I guess that’s what I needed to hear. I understand now.”
Nick stared at her, thinking maybe she misreading him now and that she didn’t really understand at all. He wasn’t sure what she was talking about or what it all meant, but he found himself nodding. “It’s okay,” he said softly. “I’m sorry too.” But he didn’t even know exactly what he was apologizing for now, nor for what he was forgiving her. What had she done?
“I hope we can still at least be friends, Nick,” she was now saying. “Even though I hate to admit it...” She grinned sheepishly at him, “... I’ve missed you.”
He returned the smile. “I missed you too,” he said honestly. Screw trying to push her away. She’d come back to him, and he wasn’t about to make her go again. Besides, in a few weeks, his life would finally be getting back to normal. “And of course we can still be friends.”
Claire took a loud slurp of her shake and then set the cup back into its holder. “Good,” she said simply. “I guess that’s really what I wanted to hear.” She paused. “Are you ready to go now? Cause it’s getting really hot in here.”
Nick laughed. “Sure,” he said. They rolled up their windows, and Claire started the car again, cranking the air conditioning. She pulled a U-turn, and they set off in the direction they had come. Watching the scenery fly by outside his window, Nick realized once again how confused he was by the conversation they’d just had.
Confused... but relieved. And happy.
After a month, Claire was back. And as he turned to look at her, secretly admiring the way her soft red hair, which had now grown to chin-length, blew back with the cool air that gusted in her face, he vowed that he would never let her go again. And one of these days, when the time was right, he would set her straight and tell her exactly how he felt about her.
***
