But, in truth, he wasn’t. He was lonely.
With Howie and AJ around him nearly 24/7, he was almost never truly alone, and although their presence sometimes annoyed him, he was grateful for the sacrifice they both had made for him. He wasn’t sure how he would have ever made it through the past three months without them. Physically, he would have been all right once he had learned to get around on his own. But emotionally, he would have gone crazy without his two brothers. Depression and grief, mixed with loneliness and cabin fever, would have driven him mad. But Howie and AJ had been there, when his family and most of his other friends had not, and they had kept him sane and helped him to cope with something he knew he would not have been able to handle by himself.
And still, even with the constant companionship of two people who he knew cared about him, he sometimes felt so alone. And he had to admit that two months earlier, even though he was frustrated and pissed off at the world a lot of the time, he had been less lonely. And that was not because of AJ or Howie, but because of Claire. When he had been sure that no one could possibly understand what he was going through, she had proved him wrong. Okay, so she didn’t understand exactly what he going through, but she came pretty close. She was the only one who knew what it was like to be told you had cancer; to suffer through chemo and all the rotten, humiliating side effects that went with it; to be hospitalized and practically bedridden for weeks at a time; to be so sick or in so much pain that you almost wished death to come and take you away from it all; and to recover, only to find that things had changed so much your life would never be the same.
She knew.
And that was why when he was around her, everything seemed so much better. His ambitions seemed attainable, the side effects bearable, the odds beatable. He was able to look at his life with a more positive eye and see the good parts of it. So much had been taken away from him, but he still had a lot left. There were his material possessions, of course, and all the luxuries he had been able to afford after years of hard work in the music business. But there was more than that. He still had his voice, the greatest of his talents. He had his personality and his sense of humor. His spirit had been beaten by what had happened to him, but it had not been crushed. And most of all, he had friends, people who loved him.
He was sitting on the couch between two of them now, AJ and Howie. They were the two Backstreet Boys he had known the longest, since even before Backstreet came into existence, and they both loved him like a brother, as he did them.
Howie leaned over and attempted to give Nick an awkward hug. “I love you, Nicky...”
“Hey, Nicky,” AJ said breathlessly, “um, I just wanted to say that...”
Nick smiled a little, watching awkwardly as AJ struggled to say the words... “It’s okay, Bone,” he interrupted him softly. “You don’t gotta say it. I know.”
Nick smiled again now, and the faces of Kevin and Brian swam before his eyes.
Kevin looked almost calm when he bent over to give Nick a gentle hug, but when Nick noticed the redness around his friend’s green eyes and the slight trembling of his lower lip, he knew otherwise. He said nothing of this though and dutifully patted Kevin’s back, whispering a hoarse, “Love you, Kev.”
“I love you too, Nick,” Kevin said steadily, swiping at the corner of one eye with his index finger, as if brushing away a stray eyelash.
Brian followed suit, hugging Nick with tears sparkling in his crystalline eyes. “See you in a little while. I love you, Nick.”
And of course, there was Claire. It was her face that now sprang into his mind, and he pictured her as she had appeared on a certain night almost a year earlier, wearing a red dress and that black wig of hers and leaning up against him on the bench outside that restaurant, her blue eyes large and luminous in the soft glow of the moon and distant streetlights that played across her face, the sun’s dying rays bathing the world behind her in dim, golden light...
“I don’t know if it’s the right time to say this, but I just feel like... if I don’t say it tonight, I might not have another chance.” She bit her lip, yet never took her eyes off him, looking at him in a way that made him uncomfortable... “Nick,” she said softly. “I... I think I’m falling in love with you.”
Same here, he thought now, swallowing hard. I think I’m in love with you too.
He wondered where she was tonight, what she was doing right then. Thinking of him, maybe? Doubtful. Could she possibly still feel the same way about him? After all they both had been through, after what had happened to him, and after the hurtful lies he had told her, could she still love him, as more than a friend or a brother? He’d wondered for a long time, and yet, he’d been afraid to ask her, afraid to confess his own feelings.
“Nothing good’s on,” AJ complained loudly he flipped through the TV channels at a rapid pace, interrupting Nick’s thoughts.
“We could watch a movie,” suggested Howie. “What’s showing on pay per view?”
“I dunno,” AJ shrugged listlessly, continuing to channel-surf.
Nick only vaguely paid attention as the channels flew by. But a brief glimpse at a scene that looked quite familiar made him sit up straighter. “Hey,” he said, “go back to that.”
“This?” AJ asked, flipping back.
“Hey, it’s ET,” observed Howie with a laugh. “Isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Nick said softly. “Yeah, it is.”
“Wow, I haven’t seen this in years. Classic. Looks like it just started,” said Howie.
“You wanna watch ET?” AJ scoffed.
Howie shrugged. Nick smiled, remembering how he and Claire had watched it together in her apartment one July night, a year ago. Suddenly, he had the urge to go over there now, to her apartment. He could see what she was up to, hang out with her, maybe even watch the movie again, for memory’s sake. He could even stop at a grocery store on the way and pick up some ice cream. They’d had ice cream the last time, he remembered.
Feeling spontaneous, he stood up. Neither of the guys said anything until he grabbed his car keys from the foyer. And then, all of a sudden, they were both there, looking at him in surprise.
“Where are you going?” AJ asked dubiously. Even now, Nick hardly ever went out, except for his thrice-weekly trips to the hospital for therapy, and he never left alone and without warning.
“To Claire’s,” was Nick’s curt reply, and he sank down into a chair, busying himself with putting on shoes so that he would not have to see the amused look on AJ’s face.
“Ohh... I see. Well, you two kids have fun,” said AJ, his voice filled with glee.
“Uh, should we expect you back later tonight then, or...?” Howie trailed off awkwardly, and Nick stifled a laugh. Did Howie actually think he was going to spend the night having wild hot sex with Claire? Riiiiight. Then again, the last time, he had ended up spending the night...
“I’ll be back tonight,” he answered firmly, making a mental note not to fall asleep on Claire’s couch this time. If he didn’t come stumbling in till the next morning, he knew he’d never hear the end of it from AJ, who would be more than pleased with the idea that he and Claire had ‘gotten together.’
“Okay. Drive carefully,” Howie told him maternally, as Nick grabbed his keys and wallet and went out the front door. Slowly and painstakingly making his way down the front steps, clinging to the railing for balance, Nick walked to his silver Jag, which was parked in the driveway, and got inside. With a flutter of excitement, he zoomed out of the drive.
Maybe, he thought, tonight will be the night that I tell her the truth about how I feel about her. Maybe I can finally make her see...
***
The local Kroger grocery store was not busy, being just after seven on a Friday night. Nick was relieved, hoping he could go in and out without being recognized or bothered. He had been very lucky with this ever since the amputation, but the again, he hadn’t been out in public that much either. Sooner or later, he was bound to be noticed some place, but he hoped it would not be this place on this night. He was anxious to get his ice cream and get to Claire’s apartment.
As he stood in front of the freezer cases, surveying the selection of ice cream, he heard a voice that sounded vaguely familiar. And as the voice neared him and rose in volume, its familiarity grew.
Suddenly, he froze.
He knew that voice. He knew it all too well.
His heart racing, he looked over to see two people amble around the corner, making their way into the aisle in which he stood. One was a man, dark-haired and skinny. The other was a woman, trim, blonde, and painfully recognizable. Nick gulped, his heart lodging in his throat.
It was Leah.
She was busy talking to the man, her eyes scanning the shelves as she slowly pushed her cart down the aisle. At the other end of the aisle, Nick ducked his head and forgot all about ice cream, concentrating solely on trying to get away before she looked ahead and saw him. But it was hard to hurry on his prosthetic leg, and it was only a few seconds before he heard her call, “Nick?”
Stopping dead in his tracks, he turned slowly. She had abandoned her grocery cart, leaving it beside the man, and was making a beeline toward him. Stopping a few feet away from him, she stood and stared, her eyes traveling from his face down the length of his body. He saw the way they narrowed and fixed upon his left leg for a moment before flickering back up to meet his eyes. “Nick Carter,” she said slowly. “I thought that was you.”
“Leah Gaylers,” he heard himself saying, but his voice sounded far away, drowned out by the loud drumming of his heart in his ears, and much too calm, given the way he had started to perspire in her presence.
“Ah, soon to be Leah Gaylers-Hammond,” she corrected smugly, holding out her left hand. He peered down, his eyes widening at the sight of a massive diamond sparkling up at him from her slender ring finger. “The wedding’s in February.”
“Let me guess – the 14th?” he asked sarcastically.
“That’s right.” Her smile grew. “Valentine’s Day.”
“Oh,” he grunted, not finding it in his heart to tell her congratulations.
“David’s such a wonderful man,” Leah gushed, her face shining. She turned to beam over her shoulder at the man she was with, who hung back with their cart. Nick realized now that this was the man he had once seen her at a club with. He was also, he noted, the father of her baby. Glancing past her, Nick’s heart skipped a beat as he realized there was an infant seat in the cart. And inside the seat...
“Oh, and Elaina! Oh, Nick, you’ve just got to see her!” Leah was now exclaiming. Turning back again, she waved David over, and he came, pushing the cart along with him. “My fiancé, David Hammond,” Leah introduced, sliding an arm protectively around David’s wiry frame. “And David, you remember Nick. I think you two met once, is that right?”
David nodded briefly, studying Nick through a pair of wire-framed glasses. Nick studied him in return, not replying. David looked the same as he had that day in the club, boyish and well-dressed. He was surrounded by an aura of pure geek-ness, and Nick found it surprising that a guy like him had ended up with a girl like Leah. They made for an odd couple, but in a way, they were perfect for each other. Despite looking like a dork, David obviously had money, and Leah loved money. And she was beautiful, which explained why David was still with her. Nick pitied him. He, too, had apparently fallen for Leah’s snakelike charm and was a decent enough guy to step in and provide for her and his child. Speaking of which...
“And this,” Leah cooed, her voice softening, “is Elaina.”
Nick’s eyes shifted from David down to the grocery cart beside him, where the most beautiful baby girl lay gazing docilely up at him from her infant seat. Her head was blanketed by a wispy layer of silky, fair hair, and her eyes were large and very blue. Though it pained him to look at her, knowing that this was the tiny creature he had spent several months talking to while she was still in the womb, he couldn’t help but smile a little, awed by her innocent beauty and perfection. She was like a little doll. And when he smiled at her, her tiny rosebud mouth turned up in a slobbery grin.
Gingerly, he held out his index finger for her to grab, as he had done with Baylee and even Aaron and Angel when they were babies. But as Elaina reached for it, Leah pushed the cart backwards and side-stepped in front of it, blocking the infant from Nick’s view. He swallowed hard, hurt, but tried to keep his expression neutral.
“So,” Leah said, her voice high with false cheeriness, “that’s what David and I have been up to in the past few months. Making wedding plans and taking care of our baby.” She paused, and again her eyes flitted down to the prosthetic leg hidden beneath his Adidas wind pants, while he twisted his sweaty hands together self-consciously, all too aware that she knew exactly how his past few months had been spent. “I hear you haven’t been so blessed,” she remarked, her attempts at sympathy tarnished by the snide underside of her tone.
He did not reply, instead looking down at his feet.
“I see you’re up and walking again though,” Leah continued. “That’s good.” Still, he kept silent and avoided her penetrating stare. “And what about your cancer? Is it gone now?” she persisted. “Are you back in remission?”
“Leah, we should go,” Nick heard David mumble quietly, sounding almost as uncomfortable as Nick felt.
“You’re right, honey,” Leah replied sweetly. “Elaina’s probably getting sleepy. We need to get her to bed.” Nick glanced up to find David turning the cart back around, ready to continue on down the aisle. “Well, Nick,” Leah said, stepping forward with her hand extended again, as if to shake hands, “it was nice seeing you again. Glad to see you’re doing so well.” She pasted a bright, fake smile on her face and reached for his right hand. He took a step back, staring at her with steely eyes, his hand glued stiffly to his side. She gave a little shrug. “Well, alright then,” she sing-songed flippantly. “I’ll see you around. Come on, David.” She jerked the cart away from David and pushed it rapidly past Nick, coming within a few inches of hitting him. David obediently trailed after her, like a puppy following its master, and looked anywhere but at Nick.
Meanwhile, Nick stood still, watching them. Only when they had turned the corner and were out of sight did he dare move. Stepping slowly back up to the ice cream freezer, he eyed the shelves of various brands and flavors. Suddenly, the thought of ice cream wasn’t so appealing, but he opened up one of the freezer cases anyway and plucked a carton of Neapolitan from the shelf. Slamming the door shut, he sighed heavily and slowly made his way to the checkout counters, his lighthearted mood darkened by the chance encounter with Leah.
Out of all the people I could have run into, he thought miserably, why did it have to be her?
***
