“Oh, shit,” he groaned, remembering that Claire lived on the second floor, and as there were only three stories in the old building, there was no elevator. That meant he was going to have to navigate the stairs. Alone.
He sighed, surveying the staircase in intimidation. Stairs were still a problem. He had only gone upstairs in his own house but a few times since the amputation, and that was with the help of his prosthesis and a pair of crutches. Small sets of steps were okay, but the thought of trying to get up and down a full flight of stairs made him uneasy. Still, he had come this far; he wasn’t about to turn back now. So he sucked in a breath and made his way to the staircase. Gripping the banister with his left hand and plastering his right hand to the wall, he started slowly upward, concentrating hard on his every movement to keep from catching his foot on a step and falling.
When he finally reached the top, he let out a shaky breath of relief and continued down the hallway, glad to be back on level ground. He stopped at the door he knew was Claire’s. Clearing his throat and straightening himself, he rapped lightly on the door. There was no answer at first, but, leaning forward, he could make out faint scuffling noises from inside the apartment and knew she had to be home. So he waited.
A few moments later, the door swung open halfway, and Claire appeared from behind it. “Nick!” she exclaimed in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“Hey,” he said with a smile. “I, uh... well, I was just passing through and thought I’d stop- well, no, not really. I actually just... uh... well, did you see what was on TV?”
She was staring at him with an odd expression on her face, and he felt his face turning red with embarrassment. Why did he have to stammer and carry on like such an idiot? And in front of Claire, of all people? She never made him nervous like this; what was the deal?
“On TV?” she repeated. “No, what?”
He shifted his weight awkwardly, uncomfortably aware of the dopey smile creeping across his face and the fact that the plastic bag holding the ice cream he had purchased was slowly cutting off the circulation in his fingers as he twisted the handles round and round. “ET,” he said. “I saw it on, and it... well, it reminded me of that one time when I came over, and we watched it, and...” He shrugged, trailing off, and thrust out the Kroger bag. “Look, I brought ice cream.”
She took the bag and held it as if she didn’t quite know what to do with it, glancing from the carton of ice cream inside up to Nick’s face, her mouth slightly open, her cheeks tinged pink.
“Do you not like that kind?” Nick asked stupidly. But soon enough, he realized what the problem was. For the door now creaked open the rest of the way, and behind her appeared another person.
A guy.
“Hi there,” he greeted Nick in a deep voice, and Claire jumped and spun around, startled.
“Oh, Tim, I didn’t know you’d come up behind me!” she exclaimed.
Nick stared at the two of them in disbelief, wondering who in the hell this guy was and what he was doing in Claire’s apartment on a Friday night. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had company,” he spoke loudly, causing Claire to turn back around to face him. “I, uh... I guess I should have called first?”
“No, um... it’s okay,” Claire said, though she looked just as awkward as Nick felt. “Uh, Nick, this is Tim. He works with me. And Tim, this is my friend Nick.”
“Nice to meet you,” said Tim, reaching out from behind Claire to shake Nick’s hand. Nick forced himself to shake hands and studied Tim warily. He was tall, about Nick’s height, and trim, clearly in shape. There was something about him that made Nick immediately dislike him. Maybe it was his looks – he was handsome, with thick, brown hair, hazel eyes, a stubbly goatee, and glasses. Maybe it was the way he was dressed, casually nice, in a polo shirt and pressed pair of Dockers. Or maybe it was the way he was standing behind Claire with his hands resting lightly on her shoulders.
Still, knowing he had to be polite, Nick forced a brief smile onto his face and muttered, “Nice meeting you too.” An strained silence followed, and Nick quickly realized that although Claire would never say it, he was not welcome there. He took a step back, saying, “Well, I should get going.”
“I’ll walk you out,” Claire said, giving him a meaningful look. “Wait here, Tim, I’ll be back up in a few minutes, okay?”
“Sure, C,” replied Tim sportingly, retreating back into the apartment. Claire stepped out and closed the door behind her.
“He calls you C ?” Nick asked, eyebrows raised.
“Yeah, so? My name starts with a C, doesn’t it?” Nick just scowled, rolling his eyes when she wasn’t looking. “Come on,” Claire said softly, putting her hand on his back and urging him forward. He held his words back until they had made it a few feet down the hall, and then he rounded on her.
“Who is that guy?” he demanded, probably more harshly than he had intended to, for Claire’s eyes immediately darkened.
“I told you, we work together,” she replied. “He’s the new dentist they hired to go into practice with Dr. Somers; remember me telling you I got my hours cut because of the new-“
“Yeah, yeah, I remember,” Nick interrupted quickly, “but what’s he doing here? Are you seeing him?”
Claire put her hands on her hips and gazed up at him coolly. “So what if I am?”
“Are you?” Nick’s voice rose.
She answered without hesitation. “Yes.”
Nick’s heart sunk. He felt deflated, like a balloon that the air had just been let out of. For a brief few seconds, the world seemed to spin in a crazy whirlwind as he digested what she had just told him, and then it hit him – Claire was going out with another man. She had a boyfriend, and it wasn’t him. Inside, he slumped dejectedly, but on the outside, he kept himself standing up straight, his shoulder squared, refusing to let her see how that one “yes” was affecting him.
“Since when?” he asked, trying hard to keep the spite out of his voice.
“I dunno,” Claire shrugged, looking fully unapologetic. “About a month, I guess.”
Nick went back a month in his mind and realized the truth. A month ago, he had pushed her away from him. And in doing so, he had surrendered her to this Tim, who had probably jumped at the chance to snatch her up and make her his. So it was really all his own fault, but still, he felt hurt and betrayed, like Claire had been unfaithful to him. But even then, he could see how stupid this was. He and Claire weren’t together and never had been. Okay, so they had kissed once, but it was just that. A kiss. It didn’t hold them to anything, didn’t bind them to any contract stating they had to hook up. Maybe once he had had a chance with her, but he had thrown it away, and she had every right to be with another man.
He realized all this, but that didn’t stop him from being angry. Angry and jealous. There were several things he wanted to say to her right then, but he held his tongue and instead said nothing.
“I’m sorry you drove all the way out here,” said Claire, and this time she really did look sorry. “Tell you what, why don’t you keep that ice cream for tomorrow night, and you can come back over then, and we’ll rent ET. How does that sound?”
Nick shook his head. “Nah, you keep the ice cream. It’s probably starting to melt already anyway.”
“Well, what about tomorrow night?”
Nick hesitated, his words dying on his tongue. Finally, he replied, “You mean you’re not doing something with Tim tomorrow?”
Her eyes narrowed. “No,” she said slowly, “I’m hanging out with Tim tonight, but I’ll be free to hang out with you tomorrow if you want to.”
He shrugged. “Maybe,” was his noncommittal response. She was missing the point. He hadn’t come over here just to watch ET; he had come over to tell her...
But it didn’t matter anymore. She was with someone else now; any chance he’d had with her was gone.
“I gotta go,” he muttered, turning for the stairs.
“Okay,” she said softly. “Uh, will you be okay going down all those stairs alone?”
“I made it up ‘em, didn’t I?” Nick growled.
“Good point. Well then, I’ll hopefully talk to you tomorrow,” Claire said quickly. “Goodnight, Nick.”
Nick didn’t reply, but started dolefully down the stairs, conscious of the fact that she stood at the top the entire time, watching in case he fell. For a brief moment, he considered “tripping” and tumbling down a few to get her attention, but he quickly decided that falling down the stairs would only make him look like an even bigger loser.
He made it safely to the bottom and craned his neck, looking back to see if she was still there at the top. But she had already gone.
With a sigh, he walked outside. The sun was close to setting, and the world was bathed in its dying golden rays. Yet shadows danced in the dimming light, and to Nick, it seemed a veneer of darkness had fallen permanently over his life, banishing him to a world of desolation and gloom. Suddenly, he felt very alone.
Leah didn’t need him anymore; she had David. Claire didn’t need him either; she was with Tim.
And Nick couldn’t help but think, who will ever be with me?
***
