But to Nick, the song meant more than that. Although the lyrics dealt with a relationship, he could apply it to what was happening in his own life at the time. He, too, was starting over. He had re-learned to walk, he was getting his life back, and finally, he was continuing with his career. A new day had come, and after months of practically isolating himself from the public, he would be showing his face and bearing his soul to everyone through this video.
Nigel Dick, their chosen director, had offered them a video treatment that didn’t revolve specifically around the actual song lyrics, but the theme of the song itself. It was going to be symbolic, with imagery that represented rebirth, revival, and new direction. To fit with the romantic insinuation, Nigel had hired just one actress, and she would be interacting only with AJ, who had the most solos in the song and therefore took on the “apologetic boyfriend” role in the video. Nick was glad; he did not want to be forced to act with a woman he did not even know. It had always made him rather uncomfortable to act with beautiful women on screen, knowing that there were cameras all around him, recording his every move. But the thought of doing that now, in his current state, was horrifying. Luckily, he would not have to.
The way Nigel had worked everything out, there was only one scene in which Nick would be alone on screen, during the one solo he had in the song. All of the other scenes he was in contained the four other Backstreet Boys, and that made him more comfortable. And most of the time, he would be sitting down, except for one of the final scenes of the video, where, according to Nigel’s vision, the five Boys would be walking together down a lone road, toward the east, into the sunrise.
“But only if you’re comfortable with it,” Nigel had said to Nick as they sat around before filming began, going over the plan once again. Nick had only shrugged and nodded a little, not saying anything one way or another.
After the discussion, the five men were whisked off to makeup and wardrobe, where a team of makeup artists and stylists prepared them for the video, making sure they looked just right. Nick, who usually had no problem changing and modeling clothes for the wardrobe people, found it completely nerve-wracking to come out of the dressing room and let them scrutinize him in whatever outfit they had chosen for him. Stylists always liked to put him in tighter, form-fitting clothes, but he had always preferred things big and baggy. It used to be because he was insecure about his weight. Now it was for a whole other reason. He lived in baggy pants because they were more comfortable and easier to move around in, and he was confident that they hid his prosthetic leg. But now they had put him in a pair of tighter, more fitting designer jeans, which made him feel awkward and somewhat exposed.
“Those look good,” nodded Alexandra, one of the stylists, who was supervising his wardrobe.
Doubting her, he turned to study himself in the large three-way mirror that had been set up outside the dressing rooms. He saw that she was actually right; the jeans hid his prosthesis just as well as his baggier pants did. You really could not tell at all. He slowly turned this way and that, making sure and getting a feel for the jeans, and finally nodded.
“These work,” he told Alexandra.
“Great,” replied Alexandra with a quick smile. “Head on over to makeup then.”
Nick did as he was told, more comfortable with sitting in a chair and letting the makeup artists do up his face, the one part of his body in which he still had confidence. They ended up starting with his hair though, which he was not so confident about. Although the hair loss from the chemo had stopped, his hair was still thinner than usual because what had fallen out during the two weeks he had been on the treatment was still growing back. But the hairstylists worked their magic and fixed this with mass quantities of volumizing spray and gel, only after they had added fresh light blonde highlights to his natural darker blonde hue. The makeup came next, and although he was not a big fan of having all that gunk smeared onto his face, he had to admit, the stuff made a real difference, evening out his complexion and bronzing his skin tone even further. When they were finished, he looked just about perfect. Well, from the neck up, anyway.
He was the last to be done, having needed more work than the other guys, and by the time he left the makeup area, filming had already begun outside with just AJ and the actress Nigel had cast. The first scene shot was actually the last scene in the video, where AJ, playing the role of the boyfriend in the song, was to make up with the estranged girlfriend. The scene took place in the morning and therefore had to be shot first, when the sun was still low in the east. It only took a few tries for AJ, a natural actor, to get the brief scene just right, and then they moved on.
“We’ll save the sequence of when you’re all riding on the tour bus for later tonight, since that scene is supposed to take place at night,” Nigel explained, “but we can start shooting your individual scenes now. Remember, these take place in a hotel – it’s very late at night, and you’re all being kept awake by your thoughts, waiting for... well, ‘when morning comes,’ so to say. We might as well shoot in order, and this sequence will start with the second verse, Brian’s solo, so Brian, you’re up.”
Brian took his place on a set that looked like a darkened hotel room, and Nigel’s crew ran through the blocking with him, while the four other Boys sat around watching and waiting for their turns to film.
Nick was the last to shoot his individual part, and besides Brian, he had the longest part to film. His solo was the bridge of the song, which came directly after the chorus they had all been shot singing. His set was a balcony - the balcony of a hotel suite, supposedly, although there was no actual suite there, and the balcony was not raised off the ground, but set on a green screen.
“You’ll be sitting here on the balcony, staring off into the distance as you sing,” explained Nigel. “The green screen will be ‘the distance,’ of course. During editing, we’ll replace that with actual scenery, the sun just beginning to rise over the city. So you’re supposed to be sitting there, thinking and waiting for morning to come, and during your solo, it will.”
Nick nodded in understanding and walked onto the set, sitting down in the deck chair positioned in one corner of the balcony. It took a few minutes for the crew to position everything just right. They guided him in sitting just the way they wanted him and showed him where he was supposed to be gazing.
“Now, Nick, are you comfortable with full body shots, or would you prefer we just filmed your face?” Nigel asked kindly.
Nick considered this a moment and figured it really didn’t matter. His prosthesis was probably a little more obvious now that he was sitting down, but he was sitting with his left side facing the green screen and his “good side” nearest to the camera, so it probably wouldn’t even show.
“Do whatever you want,” he answered after a moment’s hesitation. “I’m cool with it.”
From off to the side, he saw the guys nod their approval, and Brian flashed him a quick thumbs up. He offered a nervous smile in return and swallowed hard. He had never really been camera shy, so this nervousness was something new. Only once had he been this tense before a video shoot, and that was when they did their first video, “We’ve Got it Goin’ On.” It was all very new to him then, so of course he was nervous. But at the same time, he’d been extremely excited. A music video – that was a big thing. It wasn’t such a big thing anymore though – they’d shot tons of them by now. But this one... this one was big, to Nick at least. And he knew he couldn’t mess it up.
“Are you ready then, Nick?” asked Nigel, and Nick nodded, taking a deep breath. “All right then. Let’s give this a go. Cue music in 3... 2... 1. Action.”
The song began right before the second chorus, and as the lyrics started up, Nick opened his mouth and began to lip sync. It felt strange to be doing so. The group had not shot a video since the one for their first single, back at the end of the previous November, and to Nick, who felt as if he’d aged a decade in the past four months, eight months seemed much longer. But at the same time, it felt... normal. This was his life - singing, performing, making music videos. He had done this before he was diagnosed with cancer, he had done it during his remission, and now that his cancer was gone, he was back to doing it again. And that means, he realized, that I’m finally getting my life back...
“Cut!”
Nigel’s direction snapped Nick out of his thoughts, and he realized guiltily he had not really been paying much attention, mouthing the words automatically and staring blankly at the bright green screen as he had been instructed.
“Don’t smile,” said Nigel. “Not yet anyway. You’re not supposed to be happy during this part. When we go to the bridge, the song takes a more hopeful turn, and then I suppose you can smile a little if you want, as if you’re happy to see the sun come up, but-“
“I’m sorry,” apologized Nick, who had not even realized he had been smiling. Even though they had not made it through the first take because of that, he was pleased. After all, he had not had a lot to smile about for the past four months, so it was nice to be able to smile genuinely and not even be aware of it. “Let’s go again; I won’t smile this time.”
It was Nigel who smiled now, nodding as the crew prepared another take.
“Action!”
The music started again, and this time, Nick did not let his mind wander, but stayed focused on the song, the lyrics, and the meaning and emotion behind them. He gazed deeply into the green screen, visualizing the sun rising over the ocean (okay, so in the video, it would be rising over a city, but he didn’t care - he preferred the water). He got inspiration not from the literal meaning of the song, but from his own experiences. He thought of how, during those long weeks in the hospital and stuck at home, a part of him had longed to get back on his feet, to get back on with his life. He thought of Claire, of how he had blown it with her so many times and how badly he wanted another chance with her. These feelings guided him as he sang expressively, letting his emotions take over.
He got through the chorus and launched into the bridge, unaware of everyone watching him, the cameras rolling, zooming in on his face from various angles. For a few brief moments, he forgot everything and thought only of the music and the painful longing he had experienced enough of himself to express perfectly. He continued to gaze into the screen, but it was no longer a bright green surface, nor the sky at dawn, for in his mind, it had become Claire’s face as it looked that night in the movie theater, and he looked at it wistfully, the memory seeming as distant as the sun, yet just as vivid. He yearned to hold her in his arms again and kiss her lips, to have her know how much he had grown to cherish her.
“Cut!”
Nick blinked. Like that, the scene was over, and the emotion quickly died as he looked around to see the green screen there once again, glaringly bright, and members of the crew walking around, readjusting cameras and changing film.
“That was splendid, Nick,” Nigel praised. “Absolutely splendid. Come on over here; would you like to have a look?”
“You mean that take was okay?” Nick asked, pleasantly surprised.
“It was wonderful. I’d like to replay some of the film and see how it captured, but from here, it looked fantastic. We might run it another time or two if you want, but if it turned out well on camera, this very well could be the take we use.”
Nick smiled, proud of himself, and left the set to go stand behind one of the cameras and watch what they had just shot. He scrutinized himself critically as he watched the raw material, but when it was over, he was actually rather impressed. It had been a good take, and all of a sudden, his confidence soared. He could do this. There was no reason to be nervous. Part of him had changed, but not this part, not his creative side, his musical side.
“So do you wanna get another take then?” he asked Nigel.
“If you don’t mind. This one was very good, but I’d like to have more options for the editing process,” said Nigel, and Nick nodded in agreement, not at all bothered by doing the scene over again. He repeated it several more times, growing more confident with each take, although he had a feeling that none of them were quite as good as that second one had been, for all of the later takes felt like acting, whereas the second take had felt real.
By the time the shoot had wrapped for that day, it was dark outside, and everyone was tired. It definitely hadn’t been one of the group’s most exhausting shoots – not even close – but still, they were worn out from a day of being herded back and forth from wardrobe to makeup to the various sets. They had gotten most of the video shot though, and there was only one big scene left to film the following morning.
When Nick collapsed into his bed at Kevin’s house that night, he was exhausted from a near sleepless night the night before and a full day of work. But despite that, he could not fall asleep right away, his mind still reeling with all the emotions of that day and all the expectations for the next. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, they would film one of the final sequences of the video, the part Nigel had mentioned earlier, which would involve the five of them walking together down a road, sort of similar to the end of the “Show Me the Meaning” video they had done almost five years ago. Nick had agreed to doing the scene, nervous as he was about it. By now, he could walk fine, and he was quite steady on his feet. But he still had an obvious limp, if you could call it that, and he didn’t want it to spoil the video. No one else seemed to be bothered by this though, and as AJ had pointed out once during the day, “What are you so worried about, Nick? Everyone knows what happened, and they know you didn’t just grow another leg under those jeans. So what are you trying to hide? Who cares if you don’t have the whole celebrity strut down pat yet?”
Kevin had jabbed AJ sharply in the ribs at this comment, giving him a look that could kill, but Nick was not offended. AJ was the only one of them who rarely worried about hurting Nick’s feelings, and Nick loved him for it. AJ could be blunt, but his advice made sense, and his jokes were part of what had helped Nick stay sane the past three and a half months. And now, Nick realized that he was right once again. What was he trying to hide? The fans would expect his walk to be off; hell, some of them would probably be surprised that he was walking at all. So what was he so worried about?
“Nothing,” he murmured under his breath, as he closed his eyes. “It’ll be fine.”
Within minutes, his nerves calmed down, and he had drifted off to sleep.
***
Nick was much more relaxed when they arrived on set the next day, but maybe that was just because he was still quite tired. They had had to get up and be on the road even earlier that morning. In fact, it was still dark outside. Nigel had wanted them ready to film before dawn because the last scene to shoot was supposed to take place early in the morning, with the sun still low in the sky.
Bleary-eyed and yawning, they changed into a second set of outfits, all in earth tones, with hints of blue. The makeup artists managed to get them looking wide awake and rejuvenated, and then they were packed up and shuttled off to a location near the studio, where the scene would be shot. The landscape was open and devoid of buildings, cars, and people, except for those that were there for the shoot. A narrow old road stretched between acres of farmland from east to west, and Nick saw that it was perfect for the scene Nigel had envisioned. The sun was just beginning to rise, lightening the sky with beautiful hues of pink and gold.
As the cameras got set up, Nigel ran through the plan with them one more time.
“All I want you to do,” he said, “is walk down the road, while singing. Walk side by side, but you don’t have to stay in a straight line; we don’t need it to look like a marching band. Just take it nice and slow - a leisurely stroll, if you will. Any questions?” They all shook their head; his directions were pretty straight forward.
When the camera crew was ready to begin filming, Nigel positioned the Boys where he wanted them. AJ was in the middle, Nick and Kevin on either side of him, and Howie and Brian were on the ends. When everything was set, the music began to play, and the five men took off walking. Nick mouthed the chorus to the song along with the others and walked, forcing himself to look straight ahead and not down at his feet or the road in front of him, trying to use a facial expression other than one of deep concentration, which was what was going on inside of him. Forget the emotion of the song; he was simply trying to walk as normally as possible and not trip.
Luckily, he didn’t trip, and when they watched the playback of that take, he studied himself carefully. His gait was not as even or steady as the other guys’, but with as slow as they had been walking, and with the other four there, it was not greatly noticeable.
They ran many takes of this particular sequence, Nigel striving to get in as much good footage as possible before the sun was too high to keep filming. But finally, they were done.
“That’s a wrap!” Nigel announced, sending the crew and the Boys into cheers. Nick felt as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. The shoot was over, he had made it through, and he was sure the video was going to turn out looking spectacular. After all, this was Nigel Dick.
They all went back to the studio, where a large brunch was awaiting them.
“Now tell me, Frack, what again were you so nervous about?” Brian asked, as they ate hungrily. “You kicked ass, buddy. We can’t even add outtakes and bloopers to the end of the video now cause you didn’t wipe out at all.” He grinned to let Nick know he was just playing around, which Nick already knew.
He smiled at Brian’s use of his old nickname. Frack... Brian hadn’t called him that in a long time. “Sorry to disappoint you, Frick,” he shot back sarcastically. “I know you woulda loved to see me fall flat on my face and come up with a mouthful of dirt.”
“You know it,” Brian replied with a cheeky grin and a wink.
“Aww, Frick and Frack – together again,” sighed Kevin, rolling his eyes distinctly as he tried to hide the smile that was creeping across his face. “Nick, bro, I know you hate to fly and all, but you’re gonna have to come out here and see me more often after this. Can’t hide out down there in Florida all the time.”
“Uh, Kev, let’s think about this... there are three of us living in Florida at the moment and one just a state up, and you’re the only one living way out here... so if you wanna get together, you’re gonna have to fly to us,” Nick pointed out smugly.
“Well, then maybe I will,” smiled Kevin. “After all, we can’t keep going three months without seeing each other.”
They had before, and no one had really seemed to care – after tours and new albums, they were usually sick of each other and glad for time apart. But things were different now, and Nick understood. None of them took things for granted anymore. Especially not each other.
“You’re right, dude,” said Nick. “We definitely can’t keep doing that.”
***
