Just feet away, hidden by thick curtains, Nick sucked in a breath and tried to focus on the music, to let its gentle tune relax him. His solo was up next, and the butterflies in his stomach seemed to have morphed into ravens, which were currently pecking at him from the inside, desperate to get out. He wanted to throw up.
But even more, he wanted to get out there and sing his heart out. Not butterflies, nor ravens, could take that desire away. Nervous as he was, he was also excited.
The concert up to this point had gone well. The small, intimate theater they had chosen was the perfect setting for such a show, and the atmosphere was just right. The audience was energetic, screaming in between songs just as any audience they performed for did. But when they sang, all that could be heard was the music, and nothing more. Silence from the crowd. It was incredible.
In fact, it was incredible just being there. The high that Nick had experienced at the VMAs had returned in full force as the very first note left his mouth, and it was still with him now. With the rush of adrenaline and the surge of energy pumping through his body, he felt terrific. Maybe the guys had worried about him before, but there was nothing to worry about now. He forgot all about being sick and threw all of his heart and soul into performing. And it paid off. His notes were right on, and his voice, although perhaps not as strong as it could have been, was crystal clear.
They had sung their way through nine of their songs, all ballads, mid-tempos, and fan favorites, before launching into the five solos. Brian had gone first, and Howie, AJ, and now Kevin, had followed, giving Nick a long break to rest backstage before he wrapped up the solo set with his own special song.
As Kevin’s final notes hung in the air, suspended by the pedal, Nick stood up and waited. Kevin’s foot came on the pedal. The sound died. The audience clapped. Kevin rose. He exited the stage from the opposite side, and then the lighting changed. It was Nick’s time at last.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and glanced over to find Brian standing beside him. The shorter man said nothing, just offered him a smile and a wink and gave him a nudge. Grinning weakly back, Nick stepped forward, took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and walked out onto the stage.
The clapping had died down once Kevin had left, a hushed silence of anticipation taking its place. But now the applause returned, louder and wilder than ever, the fans screaming their hearts out as Nick crossed the stage and sat down on the stool that had been placed there for him, pulling his microphone stand toward him. Blinded by the lights, he smiled sightlessly out into the house, only able to make out the first few rows of people. But even so, he could see their smiles, the admiration in their eyes.
Bringing the mic to his mouth, he spoke only briefly. “I know y’all were probably expecting me to sing somethin’ from my solo album, or maybe ‘Heaven In Your Eyes,’ but, um... tonight I’m gonna sing somethin’ different. This is a song I haven’t sung onstage in a long time, but it’s one of my favorites, and it’s... it’s really special to me.” He glanced at one of the TV cameras, smiling briefly into it before turning his attention back to his audience. “So I hope you like it,” he finished.
The familiar intro started up, and those who recognized it let out shrieks of excitement, but quickly died down when it came time for Nick to sing. Taking a slow, deep breath, he closed eyes briefly and pulling the microphone closer.
“Lying beside you, here in the dark,” he sang softly.
“Feeling your heart beat with mine.
“Softly you whisper, you’re so sincere
How could our love be so blind
“We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are by my side
“So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you’ll see what your love means to me
Open arms...”
He looked into the camera again, wondering if, when she watched this later, she would know.
“Living without you, living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you, wanting you near
How much I wanted you home
“But now that you’ve come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay...”
He had been singing to the crowd, flashing them grins in between the lines, celebrating the little screams he received. But now he turned his attention back to the camera, gazing right into it as he sang the chorus. The cameraman would think he was just showing some love to the TV viewers who would be watching this at home later that month. But, of course, it wasn’t so. The look in his eyes, the secretive smile on his lips, and the passion in his heart... they were meant for one person only.
“So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you’ll see what your love means to me
Open arms...”
***
The fans screamed and screamed. The Boys bowed. Sweating and out of breath, Nick smiled. Coughing briefly into his hand, he cleared his throat and spoke into the microphone. “Thank you so much, each and every one of you, for comin’ to the show tonight. We were glad to be back on stage performing for y’all tonight.”
More screams, then silence again.
“And thanks for all your thoughts and prayers this past year. I know you have been through a lot too, and I hope everything turns out well for all of you. Thanks again for coming and showing some love. Take care, and God bless.”
With a final smile and nod, Nick stepped back from the microphone. He waited while the other guys finished their closing and hoped they would make it fast. He was scorching hot under the stage lights, and the sea of faces on the floor below him was making him dizzy. The fans cut loose with another round of screams. Nick’s ears rang painfully.
He was relieved when they finally left the stage. The four others were riding high, slapping each other on the back and grinning from ear to ear. But now that the concert was over, the adrenaline rush was quickly leaving Nick, and exhaustion was setting in. All he wanted to do was sit down. Make that lie down.
But the Boys were already popping open bottles of beer (non-alcoholic for AJ) and clanking them against each other.
“Here, Nicky,” Howie grinned, passing one down the line to Nick, who accepted it wearily. “You were wonderful tonight, kiddo.”
“Thanks,” Nick replied, smiling a little. Clutching his beer, he sank down onto the nearest chair and fiddled with the cap, grunting as he tried to get it off. It was as if all his strength had left him; his hands fumbled weakly with the bottle.
“Here, let me,” said AJ, grabbing the beer and opening it expertly. “You look worn out,” he commented as he handed it back.
“I am,” Nick admitted with a dry chuckle, taking a sip of the beer. The cold drink felt good sliding down his parched throat.
“Well, I’d say. You did great out there tonight, Kaos.” He grinned and then made his way over to Howie. As soon as he had gone, Kevin was right there.
“Hey,” he said, smiling. “Way to go, Nick, I’m proud of you. You gave it 110% - just like always.”
Nick beamed at the praise, silently wondering if he should have taken that 110% down a notch or two. He was happy with the way he’d performed, but a part of him was worried he had overdone it. In all honestly, now that it was all over, now that he’d had a chance to sit down and think, he felt like crap. He hadn’t caught his breath yet, and his chest felt constricted, as if he just couldn’t get in enough air. On top of that, he was getting a headache.
He longed to just disappear into his dressing room and lie down for awhile. But he knew the others were counting on him to celebrate with them. So he stayed put for the time being, forcing himself to smile and laugh along with the others, accepting their praise and returning it in a voice that did not sound like his own.
Finally, he could not take it all anymore. He set his beer down and stood up abruptly, causing the others to look at him in surprise. “I’m gonna go hit the showers,” he told them.
“Oh... okay, Nick.”
He saw the way they exchanged glances, but he pretended not to notice as he headed off to his dressing room to get out of his sweaty clothes, which suddenly felt much too tight. A cold shower would make him feel better, he decided. Then he could get back to drinking with the guys, reveling in their first real concert together in ages.
He entered his dressing room, welcoming the silence, and shut the door, not bothering to lock it. He started to peel off his shirt, then caught sight of the couch that was pushed up against one wall of the small room. The piece of furniture seemed to be beckoning to him. Deciding a shower was just a hassle that could wait, he left his shirt alone and sank down onto the couch instead, immediately stretching out on his side. He was not exactly comfortable lying like that, his stinking, slimy clothes sticking to his hot skin, his prosthesis still on. But he didn’t care. This would have to do; he wasn’t moving. He lay his head back and closed his eyes, trying to breathe slowly.
In his ears, he could hear his own heartbeat, pounding rapidly. He turned his head a little and tried to take a deep breath, to slow his racing heart. He was only met with pain and a tickling in his throat that immediately led into another fit of coughing. Gasping and choking, he tried to get himself to stop coughing, but to no avail.
And in the middle of all this, someone knocked on his door. “Nick?”
He was coughing too hard to answer.
The knob turned; the door opened just a hair. Brian stuck his head in, and when he saw Nick, the door flew open wider, and he hurried in. “Are you alright?” he asked, as Nick coughed violently into his hand.
His whole body shuddering as it was racked with coughs, Nick could only shake his head. He was coughing so hard his eyes had begun to water, and the pain in his chest only made them well up even more. He felt moisture on his hand, and when he pulled it away from his mouth long enough to look at it, he was startled to see flecks of crimson staining his palm. He gasped, his heart flip-flopping in horror. Oh my God. That couldn’t be...
“Nicky? What is it?” Brian had noticed the look on his face and immediately snatched his hand, turning it palm up so that he could see. The color drained from his face immediately as he looked up at Nick. Nick could see the terror deep in his friend’s eyes and was sure the same emotion was reflected in his own. Brian shook his head. “Y-you’re coughing up blood?”
It was hardly a question, for they both already knew the answer.
Nick couldn’t respond anyway; he was still coughing. He could feel it now though, the blood rising in his throat, the bitter, metallic taste of it on his tongue.
“God... hold on, Nick, sit right here. I’m gonna get help; I’ll be right back.” Before Nick could protest – not that he was really going to – Brian had squeezed his hand and then dropped it, darting out of the room. Nick heard his footsteps pounding as he ran down the hall and his anguished voice as he hollered, "Somebody get the paramedics! It's Nick!”
***
