It overcame Nick; he could not take his eyes off of it.
And then, all at once, it was gone, pitching him into darkness again.
And then he heard a voice.
“Pupils are equal and reactive to light.” It was a woman. “That’s a good sign.”
“How long before he wakes up, Dr. Johansson?” The second voice was male and very, very familiar. Brian?
“Hard to say. He could be coming around in another half hour to an hour, but it could take longer. Every patient reacts to anesthesia differently. Either way, we’ll have to keep him sedated for awhile so that he doesn’t fight the vent, so he’ll be pretty out of it. Go ahead and sit with him for awhile though, and touch him. It helps the healing process.”
He felt a small hand take his and heard a soft sigh. “God, it feels so good just to hold his hand again.” Realization dawned on him as he processed the female voice. That was Claire...
“I was so scared,” she said.
“We all were. I still am. It’s so hard to see him like this. I mean, to think not even two days ago, he was on stage, singing his heart out. And now...” He trailed off.
“I know. Isn’t it scary to think how quickly your whole life can change? All it takes is a few seconds... a few words... and suddenly, everything’s different.”
“Don’t I know it.”
There was a long silence then; he could feel Claire playing with his hand, weaving her fingers through his, her thumb gently caressing the back of his hand.
He tried to squeeze her hand, but his fingers felt like they were made of jell-o and didn’t want to move. He tried to open his eyes; but they felt as if they’d been glued shut. He couldn’t move; he couldn’t speak. He could only listen.
All of a sudden, she broke the silence. “Bri, have you ever said anything out of haste... something you’re not sure you really meant, but you just said it because... because it felt right?”
There was a pause, and then Brian’s voice replied, “Sure, I guess so. Why do you ask?”
“Well, I...” She hesitated. “He can’t hear me, can he?”
“I don’t think so... I think the anesthesia pretty much knocks out all your senses. I don’t remember hearing a thing while I was under for my heart surgery.”
“Good... because... well... God, I dunno, I’m so confused.”
“Why? What happened? Who said what?”
“Well, he said it first,” she said with a sigh. “He said... he told me he loved me. When I first got here. And I said it back.”
“... And?”
“Well... I don’t know. I-I don’t know if he meant it... I don’t know if I meant it. I think that maybe we both just said it because... because we were scared. But once he’s out of the woods, and the fear is gone... what’s left? How are those three words going to change our friendship?”
“Why don’t you think he meant it?” was Brian’s question.
She snorted. “I don’t know what to think, honestly. He has me so confused. It’s like this game of hot and cold with him; one minute he’s acting like he’s interested in me, and the next, he wants nothing to do with me. So I can’t help but think that when he said ‘I love you,’ he was just scared, you know? And when he wakes up, maybe he won’t feel that way... and then what? I can’t keep playing this game with him. It’s already hurt our friendship, and... well, I don’t want to lose that with him. The friendship.”
“But what about you? Do you love him?”
Another long pause. Her thumb stopped stroking his hand. Finally, she said, “I don’t know. I-I think I do... but I sort of wish I didn’t. Then it would be easy to just be his friend, nothing more, nothing less.”
“But if you knew that he loved you too, it would be different, right?”
“I guess... but how do I know he really does?”
“He does, Claire,” Brian said quietly. “Look, I’m his best friend. We’ve been like brothers for over eleven years now; I know him like the back of my hand. He loves you.”
“Does he?” Her voice sounded strained.
“Yes. I know he does. He told me some things the day of the concert... stuff that you don’t know.”
“Like what?”
“Like over the summer, when he pushed you away... whatever he said to you then, Claire, he didn’t mean. He lied. He felt bad because he thought he was tying you down, with him being so sick and everything, and he didn’t want to do that anymore. He didn’t want to hold you back from living your life. I know he went about it in the wrong way... but don’t you think that’s a sign of someone who cares?”
“Really?” her voice rose.
“Really. Nick is hard to figure out sometimes; we all know that. And he may be my best friend, but let’s be honest – Nick is a gullible, naïve idiot when it comes to women. I don’t know what it is... maybe being within ten feet of the opposite sex scrambles his brain or something, but he just can’t see things coming. He can’t tell when someone like Mandy or Leah is manipulating him; he can’t tell what’s right to do around women that he truly cares about. And I gotta say, sometimes he’s very selfish... or at least he used to be. But this... all of this... it’s changed him. Claire, you’ve changed him. I know that he must have really hurt you, but you have to understand, he was really just trying to help you. He was putting you first, above himself. He wanted you to be happy, even at the cost of his own happiness. And trust me, he was unhappy without you. Ask AJ or Howie; they can tell you even better than I can.”
The grip on his hand tightened, and he heard her sniff. “God, he’s so stupid,” she whimpered. She was crying again; he could hear it in her voice. “So stupid.... When he comes out of this, I’ll have to teach him a thing or two about women.”
Brian chuckled softly. “You do that. Teach him. And love him.”
“I will,” she whispered. “I do love him. I do.”
And Nick loved her too. He could not tell her or show her now... and by the time he fully came out of the anesthesia, he would have forgotten completely the conversation that had taken place while he was still unconscious. But he would still love her. And she would love him. He would never have to know of her doubt.
***
Nick woke up feeling as if he’d just run a marathon...
In subzero weather...
And then been run over by a tank shortly after crossing the finish line.
Not a pleasant feeling.
He was groggy and disoriented, as if he’d been woken up suddenly from a very deep sleep, but he definitely didn’t feel rested. He was exhausted, his chest and entire left side hurt, and on top of all that, he was freezing cold. He looked around, wondering, first, where he was and, second, where everyone else was.
One quick survey of his surroundings, and his first question was answered. Hospital. He’d just had surgery. And apparently he’d survived because there was no way he could be in this much discomfort if he were dead.
His second question was answered when a woman in her mid thirties appeared beside his bed. “Hi, Mr. Carter,” she smiled down at him. “It’s good to have you awake. My name is Renee, and I’m a nurse. Do you feel all right? Any pain?”
He nodded slightly to her last question, aware that there was still a tube down his throat, and that he could not talk.
“I’ll up your pain meds,” she said, adjusting something on one of his IV’s. “There, that should help. Can I get you anything else? Another blanket maybe?”
Nurses rocked. If he’d been able to smile, he would have. He settled on another nod of his head, and she said, “I thought so. I’ll be right back.” She left his bedside briefly and returned with a blanket. She draped it over his body, expertly smoothing out the wrinkles and tucking it in around him. “There we go,” she said. “Your friends have been in and out. Would you like me to go see if they’re still here?”
He nodded again and waited while Renee went off to find the guys and Claire. He struggled to stay awake, but his eyelids felt heavy, and it was tempting to just let them fall and go back to sleep. But before he could drift off all the way, they were there, surrounding his bed.
“Hey, Nicky,” Howie said with a gentle smile. “It’s good to have you awake.”
“I know you’re probably tired though, man, so we won’t keep you up,” added Brian sympathetically. “We just wanted to pop in and say hey and see how you were doin’.”
He was grateful, but even in his hazy state of disorientation, he couldn’t help but wonder about the surgery itself. Had it been a success? Had they taken out the tumor?
His eyes panned across their faces, trying to read the expressions there. Nothing. No one was telling him a thing, and he could not ask them. But then he caught Claire’s eye. He let his eyes bore into hers, silently questioning her.
“They got it, Nick,” she spoke up. “They got the tumor.”
Thank God.
Kevin nodded. “Yeah, we talked to your surgeon, and she said they were able to remove the whole thing. So rest up,” he said with a smile and patted Nick’s right shoulder. “You’re gonna be alright.”
Nick nodded slightly and let his heavy eyelids slowly close. Within a minute or two, he had slipped back into a deep, dreamless sleep.
***
By the following day, Nick was much more lucid. He was on a steady flow of pain medication, which he knew was keeping him from feeling the full effect of the surgery (thank God), and that gave him a lethargic, floaty feeling, but he was definitely more with it than he had been in the recovery room. He had now been moved to a cubicle in ICU, and it was here that he was able to evaluate his own condition.
The breathing tube had been taken out, but there was still a tube coming out of the left side of his chest that was draining fluid, according to Dr. Johansson, who had stopped by that morning to check on him. Dr. Kingsbury had come as well, and she had confirmed what Claire and Kevin had told him yesterday – Dr. Johansson and her team had managed to take out the entire growth.
“They sent part of the tumor to the lab for biopsy, and the results came back this morning. It was just like I suspected – the cells were Ewing’s sarcoma cells,” Dr. Kingsbury had explained grimly. “But the good thing is, they’re gone now. And while you were under anesthesia, a sample of your bone marrow was taken too for testing, and that test came out negative. Your bone marrow’s still clear; no spreading there. Your liver function test is normal too, so it looks like the cancer hadn’t spread anywhere other than your lungs yet.”
Nick had wanted to ask if this meant he was cured, but he knew better. Every time he asked that question, Dr. Kingsbury replied that they didn’t call anyone “cured” until they had been cancer-free for five years. And just when he thought he was on his way to reaching that point, it came back to slap him in the face. So he didn’t ask.
Dr. Kingsbury had seemed to sense the question though because she went on, “So right now, I think it’s safe to say you’re back in remission. But after you’re discharged in another week or so, I would like to see you back here for regular check-ups – every three months. And I mean every three months.” She gave Nick a look, and he smiled guiltily.
“Gotcha,” he rasped, his voice hoarse from the breathing tube. “Every three months.” And he meant it. He knew he was damn lucky that they had been able to remove the tumor from his lung, and he was filled with new resolve, ready to heal and go on with his life.
Starting the first day after surgery, a respiratory therapist named Veronica came regularly to give him breathing treatments and show him techniques that were supposed to make him breathe easier. It hurt to take a deep breath, but as Veronica said, “If you don’t, you could develop pneumonia, and you don’t want that to happen.” No, he definitely didn’t want to get pneumonia again, so he made himself follow her instructions.
Kevin and Brian were both sticklers about the breathing exercises, making sure that he did them when he was supposed to. Brian had gone through the same sort of thing after his heart surgery, so he knew the drill. And Kevin... well, Kevin was just Kevin. In the meantime, Howie was always there when he needed some compassion, and AJ and Claire kept him laughing (or trying not to laugh, since laughing hurt too). The five of them visited regularly, coming and going in shifts so that someone was always there with him, just like when he’d been in the hospital following the amputation. The guys would come two at a time, and Claire usually came alone, after she got off work.
More than anything or anyone else, it was Claire who unknowingly gave him the drive to get better. He knew he had another long recovery ahead of him, but once that was past him, he could look forward to a future with her. How long of a future, he did not know. Who knew what fate had in store for the two of them. What he did know was that something had to happen. He loved her, and she loved him back. Something would have to come out of that. Maybe it would last, and maybe it wouldn’t, but either way, they had to try.
Neither of them had spoken about it yet though. Nick knew it was just not the right time. He was anything but an expert on love and relationships, but even he knew it was not exactly romantic to ask a woman to be your girlfriend from your hospital bed in the middle of ICU. For now, they would stay at “friends” status. The next step would come later, when the time was right. He just hoped that she was willing to wait for that time to come. That she was willing to wait for him.
***
