“What... what kind of cancer?” His voice was almost whisper-soft, and Nick had to strain his ears to make out his best friend’s words.
“Ewing’s Sarcoma,” he replied. “It’s a kind of bone cancer.”
Brian’s gaze sharpened, his forehead furrowing as he stared at Nick. Then, slowly, his eyes fell upon Nick’s leg, then snapped back up to his face. “You mean... your leg... it wasn’t...”
“Wasn’t just a stress fracture,” Nick finished guiltily. “No, it was a fracture all right, but it wasn’t caused by overuse. Cancer’s been eating away at my bone.”
Brian drew in a breath. “Nick... how long have you known?” His tone was not accusing, only shocked and sorry.
Nick averted his gaze and mumbled, “Couple months.”
“A couple months? Nick! H-how could you not tell us?!” Brian’s voice jumped an octave, and the pained look in his eyes hurt Nick even more than his words.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, staring at his feet. He had been a head taller than Brian for years, but now, suddenly, he felt much, much smaller. “I know I should have told you, and I wanted to... but then I didn’t. I kept it from you as long as I did because... because I didn’t want you to treat me differently. I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me and get all anal and overprotective of me and all that.”
“Oh, Nick...”
His head hung, eyes on the floor, Nick expected Brian to continue, to say something like, “We would never treat you any differently,” but he didn’t. There was a long pause, and just as Nick started to raise his head, a pair of arms gently enveloped him.
Swallowing the lump that had risen in his throat, Nick smiled sadly and wordlessly returned the hug.
***
Nick was lying in bed when the knock sounded on his door. He took a deep breath and climbed off of the bed. Slowly, hesitantly, he walked to the door, his palms sweating, his heart thumping against his ribs.
Brian had left half an hour earlier to pick up the others at the restaurant. “Will you tell them for me?” Nick had begged him.
“Yeah,” Brian had relented glumly. “I’ll tell them.”
Now they were back, and Nick knew that, like it or not, he was going to have to face them. Swallowing hard, he opened the door. And there they were, all four of them, looking lost.
“Come on in, guys,” Nick mumbled, standing back and opening the door further to let them in.
Brian stepped inside the suite first, meeting Nick’s eyes as he did so. Nick blinked and looked away; the grave expression clouding those blue eyes was too much for him to bear.
Kevin, Howie, and finally, AJ followed Brian in. They sat down silently, their expressions grim. Nick figured Kevin would say something first, but surprisingly, it was AJ who started the conversation.
“Nick... please tell me this is some fucked up prank you and Brian cooked up,” he blurted, his voice angry, yet pleading, his eyes boring into Nick’s.
Nick wished he could tell his friend anything other than the truth. But he could not. Hanging his head, he replied softly, “It’s not a prank. I have cancer.” Glancing up, he saw AJ recoil as if he had been slapped, a look of anguish twisting his features.
“Nicky, we want you to know that you don’t have to go through this alone anymore,” Howie spoke up, his voice sounding strained. “We’re here for you, and we’ll do whatever we can to help you through this.”
Nick nodded and tried to smile in gratitude. “Thanks, guys,” he said, knowing they were only trying to be caring and supportive.
“So, Nick,” said Brian, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. “Um... I take it your family doesn’t know about this either, do they?”
Nick shook his head and stated flatly, “My mom’s a psychotic bitch.”
AJ snorted, but a warning look from Kevin made him stifle his laughter. Seeing this silent exchange, a lump rose in Nick’s throat. This was exactly why he hadn’t wanted them to know. No one could act normally now that something so abnormal was in their midst. There would be no more laughing, joking, roughhousing. Conversations would be solemn and strained; long silences would become frequent. No one would go for long without remembering that Nick had cancer. Poor Nick, poor little Nick...
“You can still laugh, you know,” Nick muttered, rolling his eyes. But AJ didn’t start laughing again. Instead, he exchanged wary glances with the others and focused his attention on his lap. Nick sighed. “Or don’t. Whatever.”
“Nicky... talk to us,” said Howie, leaning towards Nick, his expressive brown eyes locked on Nick’s face. “We all want to know exactly what is going on... when Brian told us you ha-... well, when he told us... he was clueless. We’re all kind of still in the dark about this right now. I mean... if you don’t mind my asking... how... how bad is this? And how are they treating you? And...” Howie trailed off, shrugging.
Nick took a deep breath and steepled his hands in his lap. “Okay,” he sighed. “Here’s the deal. I have Ewing’s Sarcoma, bone cancer. It’s in my left leg, in my shin bone. But that’s the only place – it hasn’t spread yet, which is good.”
“Thank God,” breathed Brian.
“As far as treatment goes,” Nick continued, “I’m on chemo at the moment.” A sharp intake of breath from the others made him smirk. “Yeah, chemo... it’s a bitch.” With a sigh, he reached up, carefully sorted out a thin lock of hair, and gave it a yank. He was met with some resistance, but not much; the hair slipped out of his scalp and ended up loose between his fingertips. Grimacing, he held the tendril of blonde hair up and gave it a careless toss, the wispy locks flying from his fingers and floating to the floor.
“God... your hair...” AJ shook his head regretfully as he watched the thin strands touch the carpet.
“Told you it was a bitch. On top of that, I’ve been puking my guts out on a weekly basis. Because of chemo. Not because I’m bulimic.” Glancing over at Brian, he saw his friend’s face blanch in guilt. The others squirmed uncomfortably, and Nick realized they had probably all been suspecting the same thing. He shook his head in annoyance, then realized it was all his own damn fault for deceiving them.
“Anyway,” he went on, “this is how I get the chemo.” Swallowing, he grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and stretched it down far enough to expose the small tube protruding from his skin, just beneath his collarbone. A collective gasp sounded, but Nick ignored it, rather enjoying freaking them out, and proceeded to finger the narrow IV line attached to the catheter tube, explaining, “This line connects to a chemo pump.” Letting go of his collar, he lifted the bottom of his shirt to show the little black pouch that the IV line disappeared into.
There was a long silence, and then AJ burst out, “Oh my God... how in the hell did we not know about this?!”
Nick smirked. “Guess I’m a good actor.”
“Nick-“ AJ’s voice was tinged with annoyance. “You shouldn’t have to act around us. Why didn’t you just tell us as soon as you found out?”
Nick shrugged, looking away. “I just didn’t want things to be different between us,” he murmured. “I didn’t want you guys to start acting all weird around me... and... and feel sorry for me.”
“Then we won’t,” AJ said firmly. “But please, Nick... don’t hide shit from us like this. We’re friends... brothers, actually... and we need each other. I... I know how much I needed you guys when I was going through rehab, and you were there for me. Now you need us. Please, let us be there for you. I know that I don’t know firsthand what it’s like to have cancer... but I know what it’s like to try to go through shit alone. It sucks, man. I know; I’ve been there. Don’t try to deal with this yourself anymore. You need help, you need support... isn’t that right, Kevin? You would know – didn’t your dad need his family when he... Kev?”
As AJ trailed off, Nick looked up and followed his gaze over to Kevin, who, he suddenly realized, had not said a word the whole time they had been sitting there. Now, studying the slumped figure, he was shocked to see tears brimming in the older man’s jade eyes.
“Kevin?”
***
