He liked Claire and all, but God, did he hate being here.
Still, a promise was a promise, and he had sworn to Claire that he would come here to visit her. Okay, so he didn’t remember actually swearing he would... but he had told her he would anyway, and that was about the same thing. And as much as he didn’t want to be sitting around a hospital, he knew it was just something he had to do. She had been there for him during his last hospital stay (until his psychotic mother had scared her out of the room, of course), and he would be there for her now.
“Anything interesting going on outside?” Claire asked, jarring Nick from his thoughts.
He glanced over at her. “Huh?”
“You keep looking out the window,” Claire pointed out with a slight smile.
Damn. She had caught him. Did the girl miss nothing?
“Oh, I was just watching a... bird. Yeah, there was this cool bird...”
“I see,” she smirked, looking as if she didn’t quite believe him. He did not reply, but forced himself to look back at the television. He had no idea that Monday afternoons were so lame. There was absolutely nothing on. Claire had finally found one of those stupid decorating shows on the Discovery Channel and was totally engrossed in watching some flamer reupholster a chair. Nick, on the other hand, was bored out of his freaking mind. Which was why he had gone back to looking out the window and wishing he could be anywhere but here. Until Claire had caught him.
“I can tell you’re not liking this. Want me to see if there’s anything else on?” Claire asked.
“Sure,” Nick replied dully and allowed her to flip through the channels again. VH1, it seemed, was having yet another marathon of their “I Love the 80’s” series, which Nick had seen one too many times already (hey, when you’re stuck at home with nothing to do other than trying not to throw up, even VH1 can look good, and come on, reflecting back on the 80’s is funny), but it was better than Christopher Lowell and his “just raaavishing!” shade of magenta fabric. Exchanging glances and consensual shrugs, they settled on “I love 1987,” and Nick forced himself to watch it and not the “cool birds” outside.
“So,” Nick said as the show went to a commercial break, “they start your tests and stuff tomorrow then?”
“Yup,” replied Claire with a sigh.
“What kind of tests?” Nick asked, biting his lip at the thought of whatever torture they were going to subject her to.
She shrugged. “Basically everything, it sounds like,” she replied flatly. “And not just physical stuff... they’re supposedly going to send some psychiatrist to talk to me too, to make sure I can handle the ‘emotional burdens’ of getting a bone marrow transplant.” She shook her head and rolled her eyes in exasperation.
He snickered. “What, do they think the ‘emotional burden’ of it is gonna make you freak out and try to hang yourself with your IV line or something?”
“Probably,” she laughed. “So yeah, anyway... should be fun.”
“Oh yeah,” he sarcastically agreed.
They fell into silence again, and Nick absently let his eyes travel back to the window. Watching the wispy white clouds drift lazily across the vast, blue sky, he became lost in his thoughts and was only yanked back into reality by the sensation of someone watching him. Suddenly, uncomfortable, he tore his eyes away from the window and looked at Claire to find her staring back at him. They both looked away as their eyes met, Nick immediately focusing his gaze back on the TV, watching it unblinkingly.
“Hey, Nick?” Claire’s voice drifted softly over.
“Hey, Claire?” he mocked, grinning.
Rolling her eyes, she smiled. “I was just gonna say... with all this going on now, I haven’t had a chance to ask you... how are you doing? I mean... well, you know... health-wise?”
Oh God, why did she have to ask that? What was he supposed to say? The truth? That he was probably headed for a remission when she needed a bone marrow transplant to live?
The look on his face must have given him away, for, looking at him in concern, Claire asked, “Nick, what is it? You’re not hiding anything from me, are you? Come on, you know you can tell me anything.”
He sighed. “I know... I just... I didn’t want to say anything ‘cause it just didn’t seem fair, but-“
“Are you in remission?” Claire asked, her eyes growing round.
The corners of his mouth twitched into a guilty, crooked smile. “Not quite... but my doctor said I probably will be soon.”
Claire broke into a huge grin that lit up her face. “Nick! That’s awesome! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me all this time!”
“Well, I would’ve, but that was the day you got your... news... and, you know, I...” He trailed off, wondering how to put it into words.
“Felt guilty?” she finished for him, hitting the nail on the head.
“Yeah.”
“Nick Carter, don’t you dare feel guilty! This is great, and I’m so relieved! You should be happy, not all worried about what I think.”
He smiled sheepishly and shrugged. “Well, I am, but... you know... it’s just not fair...”
“Hey, don’t worry. I’ve been in remission before too, and if this whole bone marrow thing works out the way it’s supposed to, I’ll be cured.” She grinned, but somehow, the smile didn’t seem sincere. He could sense the insecurity behind it and frowned.
“Really?” he asked. “If this will cure you... then why didn’t you do it before now?” It seemed the obvious choice to him – just get the whole thing over with from the start and be cured, not go through months of chemotherapy, only to go into remission, relapse three years later, and have to repeat the whole process. But there had to be a reason...
“Well... it’s too big a risk, I guess. That’s why they try chemo and everything first. This treatment is just sort of a last ditch effort...” She went quiet, her voice trailing off into nothing, and he felt a tremor of fear ripple down his spine.
“What kind of a risk?” he asked. “I mean... how dangerous is this thing?”
Her eyes locked with his, no trace of the usual twinkle of amusement alighting them. Instead, all he saw when he gazed into their light blue depths was fear. And he realized the truth... as hard as she was trying to hide it, as upbeat as she was trying to be, this was totally freaking her out.
She was scared to death.
“Claire?” he asked softly, not tearing his eyes from hers.
“Fifty-fifty,” she whispered, looking away.
His stomach lurched. Fifty-fifty. It was a coin toss. Heads, she won. Tails, she lost. And this was not just any game, but a battle of life and death. If she lost, she’d be losing her life...
He wanted to say something optimistic, but when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. He couldn’t find the right words; what was he supposed to say to that?
He chose to say nothing. Instead, he reached out and gently cupped her chin in one hand, tilting her head to look at him. When he met her eyes again, they were filled with tears. Sniffling and smiling sheepishly, she blinked, trying to force them back, but to no avail. All it took was one single tear to escape, staining her skin as it traveled slowly down her cheek, and the floodgates opened. She did not burst into tears and fall back dramatically on the bed like he saw in movies, but just sat there, crying silently and trying to avoid his eyes.
“Claire,” he whispered, getting up from his chair and perching himself next to her on the edge of her bed. He put an arm around her and hugged her close to him, letting her cry.
“I’m so sorry, Nick,” she whimpered. “I hate crying... especially in front of people... I can’t believe I’m doing this to you again.”
“Jeez, Claire, I don’t mind - you have a reason to cry,” he said exasperatedly. “What, you think I didn’t cry when I found out I had... you know...”
She pulled back and looked up at him, her eyes filling with fresh tears. “You did?” she sniffled, looking at him in sympathy.
“Yeah,” he admitted, oddly unembarrassed. “Right there in front of the doctor. I just... lost it...”
She smiled tearfully and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. “Hey, wait... Claire?” he said, caught off-guard by this. “Um, I’m supposed to be comforting you here...”
Laughing, she pulled away and looked up to him, her eyes regaining some of their sparkle. “That’s okay. I think I’m done now. I just... get kinda depressed, you know, thinking about all this... it scares me, it really does. I mean, fifty-fifty... When you think about it, the odds could be much, much worse, but still... it’s like somebody with their hands behind their back going, ‘Pick a hand.’ And one hand has the cure in it... and the other one has... well, death. What if... what if I pick the wrong hand?” Her forehead creased with worry as the fright came back into her eyes. “I’m afraid to die, Nick. I know you’re not supposed to fear death, but... God, I’m twenty-three... I want to get married, have children, travel... you know, the usual kind of stuff. What if I never get to do all that?”
You will, Claire. You’ll be able to do all of that. You’re not going to die, he wanted to tell her, but he knew she wouldn’t buy it. The truth was, he didn’t know what was going to happen any more than she did, and it scared him too. His life wasn’t at risk; he was getting better.
But he was in danger of losing the girl that was quickly becoming one of his best friends.
***
