The words bounced around in Nick’s brain, jumbling themselves into an incoherent mass of sounds that he had to sort out all over again. But when he did, their message remained the same.
I think I’m falling in love with you.
Falling in love.
With you.
In love.
You.
Oh God. Had she really just said that? Did she really mean that? She was in love with him? When had this happened? How had he not noticed? How had he not foreseen this; how had he not known it was coming?
How had he been so blind?
She supposedly loved him... and he couldn’t even tell?
What was wrong with him?
He kept asking himself these questions, while she just sat there, her eyes still on him, waiting for some kind of response from him. But what was he supposed to say?
The truth was, he didn’t love her back.
She was a friend to him. He loved her like a friend. Nothing more. He wasn’t in love with her.
But she was in love with him?
He was so confused. How had this happened? Look at me! he thought incredulously. How could anyone love me now?
But she did, or so she said. And speaking of her, she was still staring at him... and he didn’t know what to do, what to tell her. The truth? It would crush her, wouldn’t it? He knew what it was like to be rejected; he knew what it was like to be hurt. He didn’t want to put her through that.
But what was he supposed to do? Lie? Tell her he loved her too?
He knew he couldn’t do that. Ultimately, it would only hurt her more. He didn’t love her, and he couldn’t pretend he did. She’d see right through him... or worse, she’d believe him... and, inevitably, find out the truth later. That he never loved her. That he had lied to her. Somehow, he knew that would be worse for her than just hearing the truth now.
But - the same question came back to him again - what was he supposed to say?
In the end, he said nothing. And that turned out to be enough to get the message across.
After what seemed like an eternity of her staring at him, waiting for the reply that would never come, she looked away, nodding. “That’s what I thought,” she said, her voice barely a whisper.
“Claire-“
“No, don’t. It’s okay, Nick, really. I... I probably shouldn’t have even said it, but I just... had to. Just... just in case. I’m sorry.”
“Claire...” He didn’t know what to do. With all his heart, he yearned to be able to look her in the eyes and tell her that he loved her too. But he couldn’t. Because he didn’t. Not in the way that she apparently loved him. He sighed. “Claire,” he said honestly, “I don’t know what to say.” There, that was a start. Swallowing, he tried again. “I do love you, Claire... but not in that way... I... I...”
“You love me like a friend,” she finished for him, her voice flat and emotionless.
“Um...” He sighed. “Yeah.”
“It’s okay.” Finally, she turned her head and looked back at him. Her eyes were unnaturally bright and shiny, but oddly, she smiled. “Friends are good,” she said. “I love you like a friend too, Nick. I always will. And I hope we can stay friends... don’t let this make things weird between us, okay? I’m so sorry...”
“Claire, don’t be sorry,” he said quickly. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You can’t fake your feelings. It’s okay.” Her voice was sincere and understanding, but he still felt horrible. He knew, deep down, that he had hurt her. And yet, hurting her had been unavoidable, unless he had felt the same way she did and told her so. But he didn’t.
“I... I still want to be friends,” he offered hopefully. “I really do care about you, Claire. I don’t know what I would do without you... I mean, how could I have gone through all this without you there with me? I just... I’m not ready for anything more than a friendship right now.”
“I know, Nick. And I’m sorry if I freaked you out. I just had to get this off my chest. And I did. So we’re cool now, right?”
“Yeah,” he said dully. “We’re cool.” But he wasn’t sure. She was acting like she was okay... but was she? He almost wished she would just break down and cry... her strange sense of understanding was unnerving.
“Good,” she smiled. Glancing back at the restaurant, she sighed and said, “Well, we should probably head back. I bet they’re about ready to leave now. Back to the hospital I go.” Slowly, she pulled herself up. He jumped to help her, but she ignored him and stood on her own. As they started slowly back to the entrance of Les Tambours, he reached for her hand, wanting to give it a squeeze, to assure her he would still be there for her, that they could still be friends. But as soon as their skin touched, she pulled her hand gently from his grasp.
He said nothing, and neither did she. They just kept walking in silence.
They were side by side, their bodies so close that their arms almost touched as they swung slightly with each step.
But to Nick, they might as well have been miles apart.
***
