Nick looked up to realize that Claire was talking to him. “Huh?”
“Are you okay? You just got this weird look,” she said softly, staring at him with mild concern.
“Yeah... yeah, I’m fine,” he replied. But she was still frowning, perplexed, and he knew he had to tell her his revelation. He’d wipe the frown from her face, and she’d smile when she realized he felt the same way as her. And then... well, who knew what would happen? But it was Valentine’s Day, and with love in the air, nothing could go wrong.
“Claire,” he said softly, his heart thudding like a drum, “There’s something I need to tell you.”
She cocked her head at him. “What is it?” she asked. “Oh, Nick, you haven’t relap-“
“No, no, it’s nothing bad!” he quickly assured her. “It’s a good thing.” A slow smile spreading over his face, he scooted over, around the table, so that he was sitting beside her in the booth.
“What are you doing?”
“Just listen, Claire.” He took a deep breath and prayed he wouldn’t say anything stupid. He had a knack for sounding like a moron in situations like this. “Um... you know how we went out to eat that time, with your family, right before your transplant?”
“Yeah...”
“And how you told me that... that you were falling in love with me?”
She blushed and looked away. “Yeah...”
“Well... Claire, when you came in tonight, and I saw you for the first time in, what, four months? I... Claire, look at me.” Pausing, he cupped her chin and gently turned her head to face him. She stared at him, her eyes round, a questioning expression on her face. He could feel his cheeks growing red with nervousness, but forced himself to continue. “Anyway, um... when you came in tonight, I hardly recognized you. You’re... you’re beautiful, Claire. And I... well, I realized that... that I feel the same way as you do.”
He blurted the final words in one breath and then studied her face, waiting for that beautiful smile to appear on it, waiting for her to cry, “Oh, Nick, I’ve been waiting and waiting for you to say those words!” and throw her arms around his neck, kissing his lips in a fit of passion.
But none of those things happened.
Instead, a slow scowl etched itself onto her face, distorting her pretty features. “I cannot believe you,” she whispered, her voice low.
“What?” Nick cried in confusion. “Can’t believe what? I’m serious, Claire!”
“No, you’re not, you’re full of crap, Nick, and I don’t appreciate you messing with me like that. If you really think you’ve all of a sudden fallen in love with me, then you’re thinking with your dick, not with your head. Or with your heart.”
His mouth fell open, and he stared at her, stunned. Was she just kidding, just messing with his mind?
She wasn’t.
“I’m not stupid, Nick. I can see exactly where this is coming from. It’s been five months since I got out of the hospital, and in those five months, the side effects of the chemo drugs I was on have finally gone away. And now that I’m normal-looking and not all bloated and bald, you think you love me. Well, I’ll tell you, if you didn’t love me then, you don’t love me now. Love isn’t based on looks, Nick. You were sick and bald too when I thought I’d fallen in love with you.”
“You... you thought?” he echoed weakly.
“Yeah, I thought. But now I see that I was wrong. Must have just been the chemo fucking with my emotions, on top of everything else. I mean, honestly, how could I fall for such a shallow, arrogant asshole?”
“Claire!”
“You think the world revolves around you, Nick, and that just because you suddenly call me beautiful and say that you like me, I’ll fall at your feet and replace that stripper whore as your newest sex toy. Well, I don’t think so. I have more respect for myself than that.”
“Claire-“ he tried again, reaching out to put his arm around her, but she forcefully pushed him away, sending him flying back in the booth, and got up. She walked out without a word, and though he scrambled quickly out of the booth and chased her into the parking lot, he realized it was a lost cause. She was already climbing into her car when he got outside and wasted no time in zipping out of her parking space and driving away, leaving him all alone in the dark lot. He considered running after her car like a dog, but decided that would make him look even more pathetic. So instead, he trudged back inside.
He ordered a pizza with extra cheese and ate the whole thing, hardly tasting it, his senses focused on one thing and one thing only. In his mind, he could see her face, hear her voice, feel her hand in his. How could things have gone so wrong? Where had he messed up? In saying she was beautiful? He was only trying to compliment her, and besides, he was telling the truth. She actually was quite pretty, and he thought that after months of being so sick and looking so bad, she would want to hear that. Most girls would, he figured. But Claire wasn’t like most girls, and that was something he had already known. That was part of his attraction to her, he realized, and partly why they had become such good friends in the first place.
Now they weren’t even friends anymore. How could he have fucked up so badly in doing something that he thought was right? He’d not only blown his chances of hooking up with her romantically, but he’d lost her friendship too.
He sighed through a mouthful of cheese. He’d probably have indigestion from all this greasy pizza, but the pain in his stomach wouldn’t even compare to the pain in his heart.
He’d been blind to his feelings for so long, and now, just when he’d finally seen the light, she’d closed the door, shut him out, and thrown him into darkness once again.
***
Nick spent another almost sleepless night tossing and turning in bed. He thought about Claire... he thought about Leah... and he thought about the doctor’s appointment he had the very next morning.
Once again, three months had passed him by, and it was time for another check-up. He was nervous, though not as much as he had been at the last one. His shin had been aching a lot lately, but he told himself that was normal. After all, it had been fractured just a year earlier, and though the crack had healed, that didn’t mean it couldn’t still be tender sometimes. Kevin had had knee surgery back in 2000, and his knee still got sore every once in awhile, so Nick wasn’t too worried about it. And the fatigue he’d been experiencing was surely just caused by stress, what with the album coming out and Leah leaving him. There was no way he was headed for a relapse. He was perfectly fine now and had left cancer behind, never looking back.
But as he sat alone in the waiting room of the clinic the following morning, yawning and fighting to keep awake, he couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy. There was just something about that too-clean antiseptic smell that all doctor’s offices carried that put butterflies in his stomach. He sorted through a pile of magazines, trying to find something to keep him occupied while he waited, but the first one that caught his eye was a copy of Parenting magazine, with a picture of a chubby-cheeked, smiling baby girl on the cover. A lump rose in his throat at the sight, and he immediately thought of Leah’s baby... the little girl he’d once considered his baby too.
It was a very strange thing to think you’re about to be a father for four whole months, only to instantaneously have that prospect snatched away. He was grieving, in a way, for he had grown attached to the unborn child growing inside Leah’s womb... or at least to the idea of her... and then, very suddenly, he had found out that that child was not his, and that he was not going to be a father after all. But that didn’t completely sever the bond, and he missed those peaceful nights, lying in bed with Leah, his hand on her stomach, feeling the baby wiggle and kick.
He wondered what had happened to Leah, where she had gone. He hadn’t seen, nor heard from her since she had left his home, and though he was still outraged with her, he hoped she had found a good place to stay and some means of support, for the baby’s sake.
The soft click of a door opening and the sound of his name being called interrupted Nick’s thoughts. A short nurse named Kathryn, whom he had met before, was there to take him back to one of the examining rooms.
“Hello,” she said with a bright smile.
“Hi,” he replied, smiling back quickly as she led him through the doorway and down the hall to one of the rooms, where he changed into a gown and waited for her to come back to get his weight and vitals like always. When she had finished, there was more waiting, and then finally, Dr. Kingsbury arrived.
“Good morning, Nick,” she said as she breezed in.
“’Morning,” he replied.
“Where’s your girlfriend today?” asked the doctor casually, as she pulled a stool up to the examining table and sat down.
Nick’s face reddened. “Um... we’re, uh, not together anymore,” he mumbled quickly, then added for clarification, “It’s a long story, but you know how I told you on the phone that she was pregnant? Well, she is, but it ain’t my baby.” He realized he’d probably told her more than she cared to know, but he didn’t want her thinking he was some deadbeat dad, abandoning his pregnant girlfriend.
“Oh... I’m... I’m sorry to hear that.”
“’Sokay,” Nick shrugged, feeling awkward.
“Well, how have you been doing? Feeling all right?”
“Yeah,” Nick answered, wondering if he should tell her about the pains he’d been having in his leg. He decided he might as well, since she was his doctor and also because he hoped she would quickly clear his mind of worry by assuring him that it was normal for a bone that had been fractured to ache from time to time. “Actually, there is one thing...” He hesitated.
“Go on,” Dr. Kingsbury nodded attentively.
“Well, it’s just... my shin’s been sort of hurting off and on. Not real bad or anything, just kind of aching a little. But... but that’s probably just from the old fracture, right? ‘Cause my friend Kevin, he had surgery on his knee a few years ago, and sometimes it gets sore and stuff too, so... so it’s probably nothing, right?”
“Well...” The doctor pursed her lips, then offered him a tight smile. “It could be nothing, but the tests you’re going to have done today will give you an answer for sure.”
There was something about her tone and the expression on her face that made him uneasy. But he ignored it, telling himself he was just being paranoid.
The rest of the checkup went as normal. Dr. Kingsbury examined him and then sent him to radiology, where he underwent x-rays on his leg, in addition to a chest x-ray and a CT scan. And then came the bone marrow exam, which, naturally, Nick had been looking forward to with great excitement. Ha, as if. Still, he had to admit, going through the test alone this time was a tad bit better than the last time, when Leah had been there. At least he could let his eyes water and not have to worry about looking like a wimp or about her passing out and hurting his child.
When the bone marrow was finished, Dr. Kingsbury left him alone to recuperate, as always. She took a little longer than usual to return, but he thought nothing of it, figuring she had just gotten caught up with another patient. He knew the world didn’t revolve around him (although Claire seemed to think he thought otherwise), and neither did Dr. Kingsbury’s schedule.
Now that the pain had stopped radiating through his hip, and he was feeling better, he was anxious for her to get there and give him a clean bill of health so that he could go home. To do what, he did not know. Probably just play Nintendo and snack on junk food again, but hey, that was always fun. Or maybe he’d take his boat out; he hadn’t done that in awhile. And that was a lot more fun now that he had the stupid catheter out because he could finally take off his shirt and swim if he wanted to.
He was actually in a fairly pleasant mood by the time Dr. Kingsbury came back into the room, the thought of going out on the ocean cheering him up. But Dr. Kingsbury quickly spoiled that for him. He could tell right away that her mood didn’t match his. The expression on her face and the way she sighed when she slammed down her pile of charts and scans made that clear.
He wanted to ask her what was wrong, but he kept quiet, knowing not to pry. It probably wasn’t any of his business anyway.
He quickly found out how very wrong he was. Sitting down on her stool beside the examining table that he was perched on, Dr. Kingsbury looked up at him with a serious expression on her face. “Nick,” she started slowly. “I’m so sorry, but I’m afraid I have some bad news to give you.”
His heart began to pound rapidly, and the blood rushed to his ears, drowning out the other sounds in the room. “Is the... is the cancer back?” he heard himself say, only his voice sounded distant and distorted and not at all like his own.
Dr. Kingsbury gave a short nod, and all of sudden, the world just seemed to stop. His heart did at least, he was almost positive. But then it must have gotten going again because after a few seconds, he was still sitting there, looking at Dr. Kingsbury, counting the lines on her creased forehead. The rushing sound in his ears had ceased, and the room was totally silent. Then Dr. Kingsbury spoke, her words horrifically clear.
“You’ve had a relapse, Nick. The tumor in your leg has started growing again, and it looks like it’s growing fast,” she told him grimly. “The cancer’s spreading.”
***
