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Chapter Twelve

Jaime sat in numbed silence as AJ drove them to the hospital. Neither had spoken a word since they’d left the house and both had tears streaking their frightened faces. During the entire ride, Jaime kept on hoping that this was all some huge mistake, despite all of the obvious facts that it was not. Still though, she kept holding on to the impossible odds that were not in the couples favor. Deep down, Jaime knew that she was setting herself up for even further heartache. Not even AJ’s furious driving phased her because honestly, if he were to lost control of the large vehicle and crash, leaving them both for dead, she believed that she would be happier. Being alive and without Lauren just seemed far worse somehow.

Despite her demented wishes, they made it to the hospital safely. AJ flew out of the SUV, almost forgetting to pull the keys from the ignition. Jaime followed, the next series of events going by in a dazed blur. Both ran in to the hospital as quickly as they could and to the pediatric ward in assumption as to that was where they needed to be. By the time they found it after a few wrong turns they were out of breath but too panicked to even notice. They just approached the nurses station without a second thought as AJ pulled Jaime’s hand in to his for support to both of them at what they were about to be told by actual medical officials.

“We’re here f or Lauren McLean,” AJ announced, or rather blurted, interrupting a young nurse from what she was doing.

“Please take a seat and I’ll be with you in a moment.” she told him softly, “I’ll have to have you fill out some paperwork.”

AJ’s face got hot as anger filled his every fiber. Could this lady not see by his disposition that this was an emergency? Were their blotched red eyes and Jaime nearly going in to hysterics not some indication that this was more than just an ordinary visit? Or was the woman just ignorant and insensitive?

“Listen, lady,” his voice rose, “Our daughter is in here. I’d like to know where right now.”

“Sir, just cooperate with me for a moment and...”

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do,” AJ nearly yelled, “I want to know where my daughter is.”

The nurse sighed as she realized that AJ was going to be very stubborn and not going anywhere until he got his way. Putting aside what she’d been previously working on, the nurse did her best to put on a friendly face. It was obvious that she was tired and probably just ending a long shift, ready to leave for the day. AJ did not care though. He had more serious matters in his hands and refused to wait.

“What was the name again?” she asked him

AJ told her, spelling the name out in a rush when asked, the nurse punching the letters in to the keyboard of her computer one by one as he did so. There was nothing for a moment and then a look of sympathy crossed her face before she looked up at the parents. That one look said it all and caused Jaime to break down emotionally all over again. AJ just gripped her tighter as their entire world came crashing down upon them in an instant. Up until then, there had still been a chance that just maybe she was still alive.

“Dr Lawrence has been expecting you, “she stated, the pity-filled look never leaving her eyes, “I’ll have him paged.” she paused before asking, “Is there anything I can get for you?”

Both Jaime and AJ shook their heads with blank expressions on their faces as they finally took a seat. Neither spoke for what seemed to be the longest time. Reality was starting to set in at a rapid pace as the couple got a real grasp on the situation. The true denial would not wear off until later. Later was when the complete safety net would be torn away cruelly. When the doctor spoke the words and they were brought to their daughter was when everything would become reality once and for all. Jaime wasn’t sure if she wanted to come out of denial, but knew that it wasn’t healthy to stay in an unreal world.

“You holding up okay?” AJ barely whispered to her, wanting to reach over and squeeze her hand or something for some sort of support. He didn’t though, also wanting to keep to himself. The latter won out. He could feel himself falling apart but was trying as hard as he could to stay together for Jaime’s sake. He was the man. It was up to him to be there for his fiancé.

“Fine.” Jaime replied back, her voice also hardly coming out. In all reality though, she wasn’t fine. Not in the least bit

Deafening silence took over once more. Neither knew what to say and while Jaime wanted to talk to get out all of her pains and feelings, AJ wanted to just hide away in his own sorrows. He didn’t want to be dealing with this. He wanted to forget it all. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible. This was real and this was something that he had to deal with. So many emotions were running through his mind, body and soul, yet none that he could express out in the open. That would only cause more pain to emerge. If he kept it in, then he could deal with it in his own way without having people trying to ‘help’ him.

And then there were Kevin and Nick, whom he wanted to slaughter. He didn’t care what they said. He truly believed that they killed his precious daughter. After all, she had been a perfectly healthy, happy baby girl with a small cold and touch of the flu up until they’d left. Gone for thirty-six hours, and suddenly, she was gone. AJ felt that was suspicious, needing to push the blame on to somebody. Kevin and Nick were the ones who were with her, therefore the easiest targets. AJ was just angry and bitter, which was to be expected. The thing was, the one and only thing that he could think of to help him cope, he couldn’t do. It scared him that this even crossed his mind, but he couldn’t help it.

Not long after, a doctor walked in to the small, confined room. He immediately walked up to them with confidence that they were whom he wanted to be speaking with. AJ and Jaime both stood on instinct, shaking hands with him. From that point on, everything moved in ultra-slow motion. It was as if they were watching a movie on their lives, only they had no idea what to expect.

“Mr and Mrs McLean, I assume?”

“Yes,” AJ sniffled through teary eyes, “And you are?”

“Doctor Lawrence,” he nodded, looking over at Jaime and then back to AJ. Something short of sympathy filled his eyes, but he continued to keep his professional composure, “Please...follow me.”

AJ and Jaime looked to one another before trailing after the man who was going to take them to an unknown place. If only they knew what to expect, then maybe things would be easier. Then again, it could make things harder too. No matter what, they knew that they weren’t being taken to their daughter in a hospital room hooked up to machinery to help make her better. It was too late for that for their little Lauren.

“First off, I need you to identify her as yours.” Dr. Lawrence explained, leading them to an elevator. He pressed the down arrow. Only seconds later, the doors opened and they entered, taking a spot beside two other doctors.

“Isn’t it obvious?” AJ managed to ask roughly.

“Well, um...I...” The doctor stuttered, AJ knowing that he’d struck a nerve. He was silent for a moment before saying, “It’s just procedure...something that we have to do.”

AJ managed a snort as he reached for Jaime’s hand, even though it felt unnatural to him. She took it without hesitation, squeezing as hard as she could for the moral support that she needed. The rest of the ride down the elevator was in silence, stopping once where the other two doctors stepped off. The next time the doors opened was their stop. They were in a basement of sorts, the morgue, Jaime was concluding. There was just something about the feeling of the place; eerie, dark, dungeon like.

Her thoughts were answered when they walked through a few hallways and then finally after one last turn, they entered an even darker room that appeared to be filled with lockers side by side, stacked on top of one another in a color of dark steel metal. Jaime knew better than that though. She knew what lied behind those closed doors and it caused her stomach to churn and her knees to grow weak. What scared her the most was that her daughter was behind one of those closed doors. Yes she couldn’t take her eyes off of the doctor as he walked over to the ‘lockers’, sticking a key in to one of them. Her breath caught in her throat as the door unlatched, and he opened it. Slowly, he pulled out a small metal slab. Jaime felt as if she were going to throw up as she saw a tiny body lying atop it, covered by a white sheet. She felt frozen in place, but when the doctor turned towards them, motioning for her and AJ to come closer. Jaime for one, didn’t know if she could, however she could feel AJ’s hand on the small of her back as he gently pushed her forward. It was then that they moved forward together towards the doctor and what lied beneath the sheet.

“Are you ready?”

Taking in a deep breath, AJ’s mind was screaming no, but what came out of his mouth instead was a shaky, “Yes.”

With one curt nod, Dr. Lawrence wrapped his fingers around the top of the sheet, slowly pulling it backwards to reveal a small body. Lauren. Jaime and AJ both stifled a sob as they looked down at her. It appeared that their baby girl was just sleeping, but her pasty complexion tinted with blue gave away that she was a step beyond that.

“My poor baby.” Jaime sobbed, her tears falling faster now.

AJ just stood and stared in a daze, not moving a muscle. His breathing had slowed significantly as he became paralyzed in place. It was at that single moment that everything came crashing. It was real now. This was something that they were dealing with personally. A parents worst nightmare...losing a child.

“C...can I hold her?”Jaime asked, her voice hardly coming out through her tears, “Just one last time?”

Dr. Lawrence nodded as he picked up the small body, placing Lauren within Jaime’s arms. Jaime took her, her body jumping slightly as she felt her daughter laying there. Hugging her close to her body, Jaime buried her face in to Lauren, crying harder than ever before. A second later, she felt AJ’s arm around her as he placed his other hand on Lauren, rubbing her gently as if he were afraid to touch her. He too was choking on his tears, nothing seeming right any longer. He had lost a huge part of his life and now he didn’t know that he wanted to go on. The saying of nothing being harder than losing a child was proving itself to be true. AJ didn’t think he’d ever gone through anything so hard, and that included the first few weeks clean and sober in rehab. This was definitely much more difficult.

“I love you Laur,” he found himself whispering as he bent down to kiss Lauren on the forehead, “I lo...love you so mu...much.”

The doctor gave the couple another few minutes in silence to hold their daughter and be close to her one last time before speaking, breaking the emotional moment between the newly broken family.

“I know now isn’t a good time to bring this up, but we need to start planning for the funeral.”

Jaime and AJ looked up quickly through red-rimmed eyes, “Huh?” they asked with blank expressions simultaneously.

‘The funeral...for Lauren.” Dr. Lawrence said again.

To be honest, neither parent had even thought about a funeral or arrangements. The thought scared them. Suddenly, AJ felt himself starting to grow light headed. The room started to spin rapidly in place and his knees grew weak. The last thing he heard as his legs gave out on him was Jaime calling his name as he fainted, everything suddenly becoming way too much for him all at once. Little did he know, things were about to get worse yet, if that was even possible.

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Walking in to the house, AJ caught Jaime staring blankly in to space. She was sitting on the couch curled up in to a ball. She was sitting in the dark. One would think that she was asleep, except for the fact that once his own tearful eyes adjusted to the dark, he could see her own green ones glistening. He stood awkwardly in the entryway for a few moments, reminiscing on everything that had happened in the past two days. To be honest, he really didn’t remember much of it at all. Hesitantly, AJ advanced forward towards Jaime. He slowly sat down next to her, drawing her in to his arms. He kissed her forehead even though something about it felt unnatural and uncomfortable. Instead of moving though, he continued to hold her for a few moments as they cried in one another’s arms. AJ opened his mouth to speak, but tears clogged his throat. Bringing a hand up, he roughly wiped the tears from his eyes as he swallowed, trying again. This time, his voice came out softly and huskily.

“Babe...it’s past midnight. You...we should probably get to bed since the fu..fun...since we have a big day tomorrow.” he finally managed to get out.

“I can’t sleep.” Jaime replied blankly, pulling her knees up in to her chest defensively.

“You need to at least try.” AJ soothed, “We both do.”

Jaime didn’t reply right away, but when she did, she shook her head slowly. AJ sighed, hugging Jaime once more. He took in a deep breath, trying to compose himself while even though on the inside, he was a complete mess. His fiancé needed him though, and as the man, AJ felt that it was his responsibility to stay strong for her sake. He knew that if Jaime saw him breaking down, then it would only make things worse for her. In privacy was when AJ told himself he could finally let all of his emotions free.

“I don’t want morning to come.” Jaime whispered, her sudden voice startling AJ, “I keep thinking that maybe...if I don’t go to sleep, then it won’t.”

AJ hugged Jaime tighter, not knowing how to reply to that. He wished the very same thing, but knew that it would be impossible to wish and hope for something that wouldn’t happen. If anything, it would torture them more by staying awake. Time didn’t seem to be passing at all even though they knew that it was. Nothing was the same anymore, including their once perfect relationship that had been loving and full of respect, trust and always being there for one another. Feelings that had been meant to bring them together in marriage.

It couldn’t be denied though that the relationship was becoming rocky. AJ hardly knew what to say to Jaime anymore. It took effort to speak to her and attempt to carry on a conversation. Everything was tense and shaky. They were dealing with the death in different ways, so instead of bringing them closer, AJ could feel it dividing them apart. He hoped that once all of this was over, things would get better again. He hoped that he wouldn’t feel the urges he had been and that life could go on semi-normally. AJ didn’t know if he had the heart to bring all of this up to Jaime though, however chances were, she was feeling it too. The difference was, he could tell that she was trying to fight against it happening, denying it. He, on the other hand, knew that sometimes denial made things worse.

“I miss my baby,” Jaime cried out, burying her face in to AJ’s chest. She grabbed on to his shirt, clutching the fabric in her hands tightly in her balled up fists. She didn’t know if she’d ever felt so low in her life. In fact, it was a safe bet to say that she hadn’t, and never would again. Losing a child was the absolute worst thing that she could ever face...that anybody could ever face.

“I...I miss her...too.” AJ stammered, cursing under his breath that his tears were about to start falling once more.

All was silent for the longest of time. AJ didn’t know what to say and Jaime just didn’t say anything. Both were too distraught to think straight. AJ felt as if he were on the verge of going insane. It was the feeling that one got when they didn’t know what to do, or which way to turn, pressure building up on his brain with breathing becoming heavy yet shallow. It was a feeling he hated and he wished that he could get away. Jaime needed him though, so he knew that he had to stick around for her.

AJ knew that she’d fallen asleep though only a few minutes later when she’d fallen completely limp in his arms. There were still fresh tears in the corners of her eyes, and a few scattered on her blotched face, however she was finally asleep. AJ sighed, pulling a blanket off of the back of the couch, gently spreading it out over himself and his fiancé. Leaning back, Jaime remained in his arms as he closed his eyes in attempt to fall asleep too. Morning would come sooner than he knew and both of them would need all of the strength that they could muster up to get through the few hours of saying goodbye to their daughter one last time.

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Sure enough, the morning came much too soon. The viewing had been emotional, which nobody expected it to be anything less. There had not been on person in the entire room that had not been crying. The outcome had been surprisingly big, each friend and family member of Jaime and AJ coming to pay their respects to little Lauren and her grief-stricken parents.

The burial hadn’t been much better. If anything, it had been worse. Hardly anybody had gotten up the courage to come and comfort neither AJ or Jaime because they hadn’t known what to say. Little did they know, a simple hug would have done wonders and would have meant more to them than anything else.

Jaime hardly remembered going up to Lauren’s casket, placing a kiss on it as she hugged it, setting a single rose on top as she walked away. She didn’t remember thinking that the wooden box was so tiny that it was impossible that an actual human was inside. She didn’t remember anything. Her motions were zombie-like, everything going by in a dazed blur. A doctor had prescribed a sedative for her and AJ both to take to help keep them calm. It was working wonders, but to Jaime, it was working a little too well, for wasn’t she supposed to be wailing and sobbing violently? Wouldn’t letting the pain out make more sense than having it kept in by the help of medications?

Leaving the cemetery had been the hardest part of all. Jaime hadn’t waited to leave. As everybody else was walking away for a small gathering at her and AJ’s house, she had opted to stay behind for a few minutes longer. She’d sat on the ground next to Lauren, just crying softly. It wasn’t until AJ had joined her, picking her up softly by pulling on her hands. Gently, he led her away with his hand placed ever so lightly on her back. Every now and then, they would look behind them as they ventured towards the limo waiting to take them home. There really was nothing else that they could do at the cemetery. Everything had been said and done, the funeral over. AJ for one was both relieved and sad over this. Lauren, after three days, was finally put to rest once and for all. In that sense, he was relieved. The sadness came in to play though when he realized that there was no turning back. It was, in fact, over and he had to come to grips that this was real.

Kevin and Nick had been at the funeral and the viewing. AJ had been furious, storming up to them demanding why they were there. Their response had been that of they wanted to be there to show their support. After that, AJ had gone ballistic through his tears, screaming at them to get away and that they didn’t belong there. After all, why would the two reasons for all of this even deserve to show their faces. Jaime hadn’t argued, telling them that it would be best if they just left as well. AJ prayed that for the two mens lives as well as his police record, which so far was pretty clean, that they wouldn’t be at the house when they arrived. If they were, he guaranteed that there would be two more funerals being planned that night.

The ride back to their home had been a long one. Jaime had just stared out of the window as the scenery passed them by. She hadn’t said anything. AJ didn’t either. In fact, he pretty much had kept to himself on the other side of the long car. He felt like he had to start the healing process now, caught in between wanting to pull away and still be there for Jaime. Everything was a mess.

When the limo pulled in to the driveway, there were already cars lining up and down both sides and a few scattered in the yard where they wouldn’t fit elsewhere. For what seemed like forever, the couple sat in the car not moving. Going inside with everybody else would come with unexpected amounts of sympathy and people looking at them as if they didn’t know what to say. They didn’t want sympathy. Sympathy made things worse.

‘Jaime,” AJ finally spoke, “We’re home.” he added, and by the look on her face when she looked around, AJ realized that she hardly even noticed at all.

“Oh.” Jaime muttered, opening the door as she got out of the car

AJ followed close behind her and soon, they were in the middle of a series of hugs and spoken words of consolation. They smiled politely through their tears, but on the inside, they were dying. After a few minutes, AJ and Jaime were separated and with their own groups of friends and family. It wasn’t until Jaime’s friends had walked away and she had turned to talk to her fiancé though that she noticed he wasn’t there.

Making her way through small groups of people, she looked for him everywhere, not seeing him with anybody. She’d even asked a few people, but nobody seemed to know AJ’s whereabouts. That didn’t stop her from searching though, and when she finally found him, her heart sank.

AJ was sitting outside on the porch smoking a cigarette. He’d quit smoking around the same time that they had started dating, knowing that she worried about his health without her even having to say a word. He’d started again though, causing Jaime to wonder if this was the first time or if it had been going on for a few days now. She sighed, watching only a few more moments before walking away. They all had their own way of dealing with the pain. Perhaps this was his, something to calm him down. A crutch to help him get by. Jaime had yet to find her way of getting through this. All she knew was that her life was falling apart. AJ’s life was falling apart. She felt numb, but at least while she was numb, she couldn’t feel nearly what was about to come yet.

For those of you who've actually been reading this, sorry for the lack of updating. I've been very discouraged lately with my writing due to lack of feedback. So PLEASE let me know what you're thinking. I know that the next few chapters (and last few) have been pretty emotional...and a lot of drama is to follow. Hopefully you will take just a second to review though. It honestly only takes a minute. Thanks for reading and hopefully I'll be back soon with 13. It is already written...but I am not going to post it for only one person. Especially when I use every free moment I have to write the chapter in the middle of working 50 hours a week. Okay....sorry, a little depressed and discouraged, as I said...anyways, thanks for reading.