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Chapter Thirteen

Anna sighed as she looked around the downstairs, making sure that everything was tidied up for the night before shutting out the lights. Darkness took over the entire house while she made her way towards the staircase, ascending up them. Another long day was done, the time ticking by slower and slower with each hour that passed. It had been that way ever since Lauren’s passing...and not only for the parents, but for everybody in the close knit circle of friends. Thankfully, it was time for bed. That meant sleeping away a good eight hours that would otherwise be silently spent like the rest.

It had been exactly one week to the day since the infants funeral. Of course, Anna hadn’t expected things to go back to normal already...or anything even close any time soon. She also hadn’t thought that things would continuously get worse either. It seemed that they were though. She’d hardly spoken to Jaime or AJ, whom kept to themselves and very rarely answered to phone calls. Anna realized that they needed time alone, but she was worried. Nick was also different. He wasn’t his usual playful self, but a shadow...a serious version of what he once was. Kevin was sinking further and further in to his own shell of depression, which scared Anna more than anything else. The last time he’d been depressed, he’d tried to kill himself, barely escaping his self inflicted gun shot wound alive. Things had finally been starting to look up with Kevin and he’d been truly happy for the first time in years. The possibilities of what this would do to him scared Anna half to death. She didn’t blame him for his mind being affected, but he did have a history now of...

Shaking those thoughts from her mind, Anna walked in to her bedroom. She was somewhat surprised to see Kevin sitting in bed and awake still. He was reading a book, his face full of concentration. Anna stopped in the doorway and just watched him for a long moment, smiling at the sight of him looking so innocent. He really had improved in more ways than he gave himself credit for in the past year, able to move from his wheelchair, which was positioned next to him, and in to bed...or the couch, all by himself. Anna knew that wasn’t much to him, but she was proud of his every little accomplishment nonetheless.

“Hey there?” she finally spoke up, moving forward in to the room. Kevin looked up and she smiled at him. He smiled back, putting the book aside, but she could tell that it was forced. Pulling the sheets back on her side of the bed, Anna slid beneath them, leaning over to kiss Kevin on the cheek, “What are you reading?”

Kevin shrugged, “Some Stephen King novel.”

Anna raised an eyebrow and laughed lightly, “Sounds gruesome. I tried to read one of those a few years ago and only made it halfway through before freaking out completely. I had to stop reading.” she waited for Kevin to laugh, but when he didn’t she frowned, “Is something wrong, sweetie?”

She could see Kevin tense as he looked away. He didn’t reply though, telling Anna that there was something troubling his mind. She let out a small sigh as she leaned in to his side, wrapping her arms around his strong, lean body. Kevin hardly responded to the gesture, simply dipping his face in to her neck for a moment, kissing her so lightly that she’d hardly felt it at all. Anna opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again just as soon, not really knowing what to say. What could she say? For nearly a week, she’d hardly asked Kevin at all what was wrong, letting him have time to collect his thoughts and come to her. That never happened though. Anna knew that she was risking Kevin not communicating with her by a long shot, but decided that she had to at least try when the visions of him in a coma came back fresh in her mind again. On instinct, she placed her fingers on the scary tissue of where the bullet wound was, now healed. She rubbed it gently in circles as she pulled away slightly, looking at him.

“Kevin, what is it?”

“Nothing important.” he murmured.

“You’re worrying me though, hun. I know when something is bothering you. Please...don’t shut me out. Talk to me.”

All was silent for another few long moments. At first, Anna thought that he wasn’t going to reply, but rather pull away even more, shutting the lights out and turning away from her to hint that he wanted the conversation to be over. He didn’t though. Instead, he sat there. His breathing pattern had changed, the breaths coming out further apart and harder and it was as if he were in some sort of trance. When his voice came out though, the harshness of his tone made the girl jump ever so slightly.

“Gee...just a week ago, my best friends child died in my arms....literally...” his voice trailed off, “I killed a nine month old. I think that is reason enough to have something on my mind.”

Anna winced at his words, but not because they were a slam to her for asking, but because she hated that he was putting such a heavy load on himself.

“Hun, you didn’t do anything.”

Kevin grunted, “Right.”

“You didn’t. The doctors have said a dozen times that it was a heart defect. Nothing could have helped her. Nothing.”

“Is that why AJ and Jaime won’t even speak to me?”

“They’re upset, Kevin. Give them time. They just lost a child. I’m sure you’d be just as withdrawn if it were your child that died.”

Kevin tensed even more at the mention of ‘his child’. Anna was right in the sense that he would be just as distraught if it were his child. The fact of the matter was, he was still left without the blessing of raising his own kid and was already in his mid thirties. At this rate, he wasn’t sure if he ever would be a father.

“AJ told me he hates me. You heard him, Anna. He’s never going to forgive me for this.”

Anna swallowed, offering Kevin a smile as she shifted her body towards him, taking his hand within her own. She looked deep in to his green eyes, searching his soul. She saw his entire being filled with guilt and pain. The man was putting so much blame on himself. She could see it by the way his eyes were, their shine gone. All that was left was an empty look, the greens dull and lifeless. It was that and the expression on his face that gave it all away.

“He needs time, Kev. I promise you, everything will be okay. AJ just lost his daughter, whom he adored and loved with his life. He’s hurting. I know you feel guilty because you were the one babysitting. Nick is feeling guilty too. Neither one of you did anything wrong though,” Anna said softly, “I love you, Kevin. I don’t want you to go on thinking you caused this and carry this heavy guilt. It isn’t healthy.”

Kevin didn’t say anything for a long time. He just sat there in silence, breaking the eye contact Anna had made with him. His body was still stiff. Anna’s heart raced, hoping that he was considering her words. She knew though that he wasn’t when he abruptly pulled away from her. Reaching over, he turned the light off on the night stand next to him. Slouching back, he lay down completely, closing his eyes in hopes that it would be enough to tell Anna that he didn’t feel like having this conversation.

“Kevin?”

“I’m going to bed now. Goodnight.”

“But Kev...”

“I said goodnight.” he emphasized, “I love you.”

Anna sighed, knowing that she wasn’t going to get anywhere. She didn’t want to push him or nag, but it didn’t stop her from worrying as she too laid down. Especially when she heard the softest of sniffles coming from Kevin’s side of the bed, causing her heart to break for him even more.

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“Aje?” Jaime called out weakly, making her way slowly through their house. When she got no response, she called his name again. “Alex?”

There was still no reply, causing Jaime to raise an eyebrow. Had he left without saying anything? She really wouldn’t put that past him, for in the last week, they’d barely spoken at all. In fact, he’d hardly moved from his position on the couch and she had hardly moved from bed. It was just within the past day and a half that she’d actually made some attempt to get up and go about life as best she could. Her muscles ached though with every step that she took and she felt as if she had no energy left at all. Not only that, her appetite was as good as gone. She had to force herself to eat, it mostly being just a few bites of something in an entire day. Nothing was the same. She felt lost and alone, yet she couldn’t cry. All the tears that her body would allow had come already. Now all that was left were dry tears and a feeling of emptiness within her that left a sinking depression, and the thing was she had nobody to fall back on because AJ was pulling away more and more and she didn’t feel like talking to any of her friends. She didn’t want their pity or look at them and know that they didn’t know what to say to her. It would be too awkward and hurt her too much.

Yawning, Jaime continued to walk through the house, her eyes feeling heavy and burning. Her entire body was protesting her being up and about, but she wanted to see her fiancé. A knot formed in the pit of her stomach though when she still couldn’t find him, her mind thinking up the worst possible scenarios of where he could be or if he was okay.

“AJ?” she tried one more time, walking past Lauren’s room, avoiding actually looking at it. Something made her stop and backtrack though, for the door was open halfway. Ever since she’d died, her and AJ had kept the door closed, feeling it to be too painful for them to have to look in to her room every time they walked by and see her toys, crib and pictures all over the place. When she looked in to the room, the image before her made her heart break in to even more tiny pieces as a lump caught in her throat.

There AJ stood several feet inside of the room. In fact, he was right by Lauren’s crib, staring off in to space. What caused her the most pain though was the image of him clutching a small stuffed teddy bear close to his chest. The one that he had bought for her the day she’d been born. It always had been her favorite stuffed animal, as she had slept with it every single night and cried if you took it from her. Swallowing hard, Jaime wiped a few stray tears that had actually welled up in her eyes, deciding to make her move.

“Hey there.” she stated softly, entering the room for the first time in seven days. Everything was still in place as if nothing had changed. The only thing missing was Lauren. Jaime would have liked to think that she was just at a babysitters or something. They all knew that wasn’t true though, but for just a moment, Jaime pictured that it was, “What are you doing?” she asked him once she was by his side, looking in to the empty crib.

AJ didn’t reply, but he held the bear closer to him, its fuzzy fur brushing against his face as he buried his nose in to it. Jaime could see his lean shoulders trembling, telling her that he was crying again. She moved to wrap her arms around him, but thought better of it as she stepped back again. She just stood there instead, watching him and then looking back to the empty crib. She closed her eyes, trying with everything that was in her not to break down completely, but she could feel herself losing that battle. Especially when AJ spoke, his voice raspy and hardly audible, but startling nonetheless.

“It still smells like her.” he whispered with a quavering voice.

It was those words that made Jaime lose her composure completely. To her, the entire room still smelled like Lauren. She could tell that AJ too though, was sobbing beyond his control. With that in common, she pulled her fiancé in to her arms, embracing him in a hug that they both desperately needed. AJ was reluctant at first, but soon he was turned to hug Jaime fully, bending down to sob on her shoulder. His tears soaked through her shirt, but she hardly noticed. All she seemed to detect was the feeling of her and AJ’s first close moment since the incident and the bear pressing against her back as AJ hugged her. Together they wept, chocking on sobs and trying to swallow them away. It was as if everything they’d been trying to hold in was finally coming out, catching up with them all at once in one huge emotional moment.

“Everything will be okay,” Jaime whispered in attempt to soothe AJ, even though she didn’t even believe the words herself, “We’ll get through this together.”

“I just feel so helpless,” AJ choked, “I miss her so much.”

He could feel himself falling apart more and more every day because of the pain he felt inside. As much as he was trying to fight against it, AJ didn’t know how much longer he could hold back and resist the urges he was feeling. He knew he had to try though, even though deep down he knew that eventually he would crack and cave if the shallow feeling in his heart didn’t go away soon.

“I miss her too.” Jaime whispered tearfully.

With those words spoken, AJ pulled away quickly and abruptly. Wiping the tears from his eyes roughly, he placed the bear back in to the crib without a care as he tried to put on a tough front even though Jaime could see right past his rough image and in to his soft heart that nobody saw him to have.

“I need to get out of here,” he stated out of nowhere, “I’ll um...I’ll be back later.”

Without another word, AJ swiftly walked out of the room. Seconds later, Jaime could hear him running down the stairs and then the front door slamming shut as he left completely. His intended whereabouts, Jaime had no idea. All she knew was that she’d been left alone again. Her first bonding moment with AJ in over a week had ended just as soon as it had started, leaving her with the feeling that here relationship was suffering as she sunk to her knees and cried for both the loss of Lauren and now possibly AJ as well.

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“I can’t believe we’ve been together officially for a month already.” Brad exclaimed as he picked up his glass of wine in a toast to Stephanie, “Here’s hoping for another month to go just as well.”

Stephanie smiled at Brad, clinking her own glass against his like she knew he wanted. Her mind and heart was only half in to the occasion though. She felt bad about it, because Brad had gone through a lot of trouble to make sure the night was special. The restaurant alone was probably costing him an entire nights pay of tips...if not, two. He’d also rented out a limo and had planned for later on a Broadway musical. She didn’t know what to say to his sweet efforts, but she did know that Brad was great...

...If only her mind weren’t preoccupied with other things. Looking down at her now seven-month pregnant stomach, she sighed as she rubbed it lightly in circles. In only two months, she would be a mother. She was scared to death though of venturing in to that world. It was too late to turn back time now though. What was done was done. That only made the fear more intense though, the stress she was feeling immaculate. And to top it off, she had nobody to help her out with raising the baby.

“Is everything okay?” Brad asked with concern etched in his soulful eyes, “Aren’t you having a good time?”

Stephanie looked up distracted, “Oh...yes. I’m having a great time. This is all wonderful.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

Stephanie shrugged, “It’s stupid. Nevermind.”

Brad reached across the table, grabbing Stephanie’s hands in his. He looked deep into her green eyes, “Steph, if it is troubling you, then it’s not stupid.”

Stephanie smiled at Brad again, only this time it was more genuine. He was so sweet to her and cared about her feelings. If something was bothering her, he wanted to know what it was so he could try to make it better for her. Nick had been similar, but at the same time always ended up doing something stupid or not taking things seriously. Nick hated serious moments, therefore he always tried to make Stephanie feel better through jokes rather than talking it out with her.

‘Steph?”

Stephanie looked up, realizing that she had spaced out again. She shrugged apologetically, “Sorry...I just have some things on my mind.”

“Like what?”

“Honestly...since this whole thing with Jaime and AJ’s baby...I’m terrified to have my own.”

Brad had been one of the first to know about Lauren’s death. Stephanie had told him right away pretty much. Although he hadn’t gone to the funeral, he’d been there for Stephanie right after, who’d been pretty emotional over the whole thing. After all, Lauren had been like a niece to her and it killed her on the inside to see her best friends losing a child. The funeral had been extremely bittersweet and emotional. Calling Brad and having him to fall back on had seemed to be her only option. He’d been her shoulder to cry on and had made her feel better. Stephanie hated the fact that she had been relying on a man, but she figured that there was a first time for everything. Her hard shell had been cracked and she’d let him in after realizing that she could trust him.

“You’re going to be an amazing mother, Stephanie. You’re great with children.”

“That isn’t the problem,” Stephanie admitted, then sighed, “Well..it somewhat is I guess. But mostly, I am afraid that it’s going to die too. I can’t stand to lose my child, Brad.”

“Babe, what happened to Lauren was a freak thing. She had a rare heart condition. The chances of something happening to your baby are slim to none. It’s going to be perfectly healthy and grow up with a loving mommy who gives it he world.”

“But we thought Lauren was healthy...”

“Nothing is going to happen,” Brad assured her, interrupting softly, “Don’t stress out so much. It will harm both of you if you.”

Stephanie didn’t say anything for a long moment. She really didn’t know what to say. Brad obviously had different views on her abilities. He believed in her where she wasn’t so sure she believed in herself. Especially after all that was going on lately. A nervous wreck was what she was on the insides, but nobody ever saw her let that show because everybody knew her for having an ‘I don’t give a shit about the world’ attitude to keep her from getting hurt. Brad, however, was seeing a side of her that hardly anybody knew, and was looking at her expectantly for an answer to which she knew she’d have to reply to.

“I know...” Stephanie sighed, “What if I am a bad mother? And it needs a father, but it doesn’t have a father any longer...I need somebody to help me raise her.”

“I’ll help you.” Brad offered.

“I could never expect that of you.” Stephanie sighed, “That wasn’t what I meant.”

‘But I want to,” Brad assured her, “You will be an amazing mother and I will help you the whole way.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely,” Brad smiled, kissing her hands, the candles glow causing the light and shadows to flicker and dance across their faces, “I swear.”

“Okay...” Stephanie finally gave in.

“So, do you feel better?” she nodded, “Good. Now lets forget about the subject and enjoy the rest of the evening. No more stressing.” he pointed a finger at Stephanie to which she rolled her eyes at but she couldn’t help but smile anyways.