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"Damn you, Alexander!" Jenn cursed her phone, seeing the ID and reaching for it off of the
nightstand. Still groggy from sleep, she didn’t realize that she was supposed to be gone by
now. "What?!" She rasped into the phone.

"Jenn? Please tell me you’re still in LA…" AJ’s voice had an underlying urgency about it.
She could tell he was smoking.

"Yeah, moron. I’m still in your house." She blinked her eyes open wider, trying to get out of
the sleep. She didn’t even really care that she WAS still there right now. "Did you not come
home? What’s going on?"

"Kevin…"

With that one word, Jenn’s heart stopped beating for a moment. "What…what happened to
him?"

"I don’t know, exactly. You were the last one to see him. We were hoping you might know
something. Just…get in my car and get your ass down to Kevin’s house…" AJ’s words were
rushing together now, his nerves evident in his tone. He was scared for his older brother.
He had been there…

Jenn shut her phone, tears pouring down her already stained cheeks. Without thinking of
anything but Kevin, she grabbed the keys to her brother’s car and ran out the door.

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

She arrived at Kevin’s LA condo in a matter of minutes when, on a normal day, it took at
least a half hour. Jenn was literally running to the front door. On the steps, she met her
brother, who bounced his leg and smoked one cigarette after the other.

"Alex, chill." She licked her lips. "What happened? Where are the others?"

"They won’t call the fucking hospital! They won’t call and get him fucking help!" AJ’s voice
was solid and raspy but she could see the tears in his big brown eyes.

"WHAT THE HELL…" She swallowed. It had gone too far with Kevin. He was dying and it was
her fault for not telling anyone…

Her tone eased though, when AJ began to release his tears full force. The man that had
knocked down his door to get him to rehab, had cared so damn much, was laying in a bed,
out cold because of drugs. And AJ hadn’t even picked up on it. He should’ve been there…

AJ shivered against his sister’s embrace. "I-I should’ve k-known." He sniffed. "I-Is this why
y-you were running a-away?"

"I was scared, Alex." A lump in her throat made the voice sound strange, so unlike her own.

"Maybe we should go inside…"

The siblings stepped inside of the front door and a new scene welcomed Jenn. An even
sadder one, if that was possible. Nick was leaned forward on the couch with his elbows on
his knees and his head in his hands. When he looked up to see Jenn come in, he made no
motion to welcome her inside, he simply put his splotchy face back into the palms of his
hands. Sara sat in a wooden chair, curled up and concentrating on the landscape outside
of the window. Her body shook with quiet sobs, visible but barely audible. Howie was the
only one to move towards the two as AJ stepped down and sat down on the couch
opposite Nick.

"Hey…" Howie hugged Jenn tightly, not exactly sure yet why she was here. She and Kevin
had never really gotten along in the past. But as long as she was here…

"What…exactly happened, Howie?" She whispered, almost frightened by the solemn air
that hung thickly in the living room. The man took her arm and led her into the kitchen, out
of earshot of the others.

"Okay," Howie took a deep breath in and leaned against the counter. "Nick found out last
night that Kevin had hurt Sara a few days ago so that she’d give him the names of some
safe drug dealers…"

"Sara? How would she know?"

"She used to do drugs a while back. AJ met her at an AA meeting and she and Nick hooked
up somehow but…um, yeah. So, when Nick came over, he found Kevin in bed. His lips were
blue and he was shaking, almost seizure like, I guess. So, Nicky freaked out and called me
since I was closest. We couldn’t get Kevin to wake up and he would randomly quit
breathing…" The Latino’s voice squeaked a little, his emotions coming into play, seeming
to remember the whole thing.

"You don’t have to go into detail, Howie. It’s ok…" Jenn rubbed his back as he stuck his
fingers into eyes, trying to stop the tears.

"He’s only been awake twice. And…not for very long…but he seems mad that we’re here.
We have to do something though, Jenn. He’s going to die if we don’t." He stopped trying to
hide the tears now and ran his hand over his face, averting his eyes in another direction.

"I know, D." Jenn bit her own lip and embraced Howie again.

"So, Nick is in…shock. Sara thinks it’s all her fault and AJ…AJ can’t take this." Howie sighed
and shivered a bit. "Brian’s with Kevin right now, watching him. I don’t think he’s handling
it very well."

"Well, I’m going in there now…" Jenn decided, speaking out loud as if to convince herself.

"Are...you sure?" Howie sniffed and looked up at her, knowing there was something more
between she and Kevin than what they had let on.

Jenn nodded. She could manage no more words. She just knew that she had to be with
Kevin. For some reason…she couldn’t let go.

~*~*~

"Hey Bri…" Jenn whispered, opening the door to Kevin’s room and stepping in.

Brian jumped visibly at the sound of a new voice. He was so lost within himself that he
hadn’t noticed anything in the room except his cousin. His cousin that laid in the bed, so
void of life, so void of anything that resembled the honorable Kevin Richardson that he
had grown up with. The one that had taken care of him.

"Oh...ah…hey." He forced a small grin and stood to hug his guest.

"You can get out of here for a little while." Jenn sniffed. " I can take care of him."

"You sure?"

She took in Brian’s appearance. He was wearing the same clothes she had seen him in
when she left last night. His eyes were rimmed with red and his hair stuck up in several
different directions. His hands trembled against her back as did the rest of his body.
"Yeah, Rok. You okay?"

Brian shook his head negatively, not even trying to hold back his tears in the dark of the
room. "I don’t know…I don’t know why he did this, Jenn." He gasped for air and bit his lip. "I
love him. I really do…I …I just wished I had told him more. Let him know that I care."

"Come on, Bri. Go get some air." Jenn led him to the door. She didn’t want to tell him that
him telling Kevin everything that he had just said could’ve made all the difference in the
world.

"If he wakes up, let me know…" Brian whispered before leaving out into the main room
again.

When left alone, Jenn leaned against the door. The light from the bathroom leaked in just
enough for her to make out Kevin’s form from where she stood. He still had a bit of a
quiver about him, his hands resting peacefully beside his body. This definitely, though, was
not the Kevin that had been so crowd pleasing on the stage not even 12 hours earlier. This
Kevin was, indeed, lifeless. He was so weak looking, his naked chest revealing the outline
of his ribs now. His stomach sunk in a bit more, as did his cheeks. To anyone else, he
would’ve looked just fine, maybe a bit thinner but, to the ones in this house, he wasn’t at
all the same.

"I’m sorry about earlier, Kevin." Jenn started, taking Brian’s place in a chair by the bed. "I’
m sorry that I left you. I guess you were right, I did turn into them." She stopped, more tears
beginning to fall. "But I left because you fucking hurt me, Kevin! You lied to me…you
played games with me and I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted so badly to help you.
And…and I just backed down. I guess we’re both to blame, huh?"

Jenn looked around a bit before reaching to take his clammy hand into her own. "But I don’
t want an apology from you, Kev. I..I just want you to wake up and get better. I miss you. So
does everyone else. It’s been…so long since we’ve seen you. It’s been so long since you’
ve been…you. How do you keep up this game, sweetheart? There are so many people that
love you. How can you not see that? How can you decide to keep running like you do? Don’
t you want to come back, Kevin? Don’t you miss us too?"

She stopped and blew out excess air, seeing a lonely tear fall from beneath the man’s
closed eyes. "I know you can hear me. We need you back here, baby. We won’t question
you, but I promise to help you more this time. Howie needs help keeping everyone in line.
Nick and Brian need you to look up to. They think the world of you, Kevin. Don’t take that
away from them. And Alex, God, Alex needs you more now than ever. You can’t do this to
him. You’re doing exactly to him what you almost killed him for you. I..I wouldn’t blame him if
he hated you." Jenn shook her head and sobbed out. "But he doesn’t, Kevin. We’re all…so
worried. Kev, I…I need you."

Kevin’s hand squeezed hers tighter. "J-Jenn…"

His voice was quiet and deep. He tried to clear his lungs but made a pained face when he
did so.

"I’m right here, Kev?" She held his one hand with both of hers. "Right here."

"I…I know. I hear…you." Kevin licked his lips and swallowed again. "The drugs…"

"Kevin, were you not listening to ANYTHING?" Jenn shrieked, letting go of his hand.

"No…no, listen…" He tried to sit up but slid back down. His eyes opened in small slits, but
blinked slowly. "Everything…all the drugs…they’re in…the bottom drawer." Kevin closed
his eyelids and gestured towards his nightstand.

Jenn bent to open the drawer and gasped at the contents. If any authority were to ever
search Kevin’s bedroom, he’d be in serious trouble.

"Throw…throw it all away." Kevin’s eyes opened more this time, an intense green shining
from them.

Jenn grinned and reached a hand to rest on the side of Kevin’s face. "Thank you."

He managed a small, seemingly proud smile for her before she took the bag of various pills
and powders and made her way into the bathroom.

Jenn cried as she emptied the contents of the bag and realized it was too much to even be
flushed all at once. Half of the stuff, she had never even seen before, not even from AJ.
Her mind flashed back to doing this same thing for her own brother just a few years ago…

And he didn’t quit. He quit for maybe a week. Suddenly, a hollowing feeling filled her
stomach. She kept flushing the drugs though, angrier and angrier with the fact that Kevin
may be making her do this just to satisfy her for a while. For all he knew, she’d be going
back to Florida next week…

Kevin cringed in the bed as he listened to the first flush, his most prized possessions
flowing down into a sewer, where he could never have them again. And something inside
of him snapped…

"Kev? What’re you doing?!" Jenn turned at the sound behind her. She found the man
opening the bottles, some of which were already empty, and shaking them for any
remaining contents.

"I need more." His voice was frantic and shaky. "I need the drugs. They help me…"

"They don’t help you, Kevin!" Jenn grabbed his hands, trying to pull his fingers open to
take away the tiny pills. His fist was wrapped too tightly around them though. "LET GO! You
NEED help from yourself!" She was almost screaming now. Finally, she managed to jerk so
hard that his hand opened and the pills flew all over the floor.

Kevin’s mouth dropped and then closed again as his eyesight scattered along the floor,
mimicking the array of the drugs that rolled on the white tile as well. Instead of speaking
any words though, he simply dropped to his knees and hungrily searched for every pill he
could find.

"What the hell is WRONG with you?!" Jenn’s eyebrows furrowed in concern as she watched
the once strongest Backstreet Boy become a weak drug addict before her eyes. "Look at
yourself!"

Kevin held the three pills in his hand for a while. One red, One blue, One green. Such
innocent, pretty colors, he thought. His eyes then shifted to the floor in front of him. She
was still there. His mind began to go again…

"You can have one." Kevin opened his hand to Jenn, as innocent as if he were offering
her M&Ms. The voice with which he spoke both disgusted Jenn and broke her heart. She
couldn’t do anymore though, than just stare blankly.

Jenn reached out to take every one of the tablets but Kevin shut his hand before she
could get a hold of them. "I said one." He spoke, still not finding the wrong in this situation,
his mind still blurry.

"Give them fucking to me, Kevin!" Jenn spoke through clenched teeth.

It was too late. Kevin brought his hand to his mouth and swallowed the pills dryly. Only then
did he realize that he had no idea what they even were. The thought didn’t last for long as
he felt a cool hand smack him across the face. He looked up to find Jenn towering above
him, new tears falling down her face. "What the fuck was that for?"

"You know exactly what it was for." The look in her eyes was one unfamiliar too him. A look
of hatred. Suddenly, a rush of embarrassment and shame was instilled into Kevin’s veins
and he felt himself losing control. In one quick move, he grabbed Jenn’s wrists and
squeezed them tight.

"Don’t..ever…touch me again!" He spoke, his jaw clenching, teeth gritting together.

"Or what?!" She spat back. "You’ll keep hurting your damn self?"

Kevin’s grip on her became tighter as he felt emotion stinging his nose. "I…I…" It was all
he could get his lips to form as he stared into Jenn’s face. Giving up on any hope of
justifying himself, he released her with a push. A push that sent her flying into the side of
the bathtub. A shrill cry lead Kevin back into reality.

And he saw her blue eyes change from a look of hate to one of hurt. She had trusted him
for so long. No matter how many fights they had gotten into, Jenn had always been one to
stand up to him. She had even kept his secret quiet…

"Oh God…" Kevin backed away slowly, his hands covering his mouth as he watched Jenn’s
head limply hang to one side.
"Kevin…" The voice was barely above a whisper, but it was hers. She struggled to get to
her feet, but the damn room kept spinning…

"No…No…I didn’t do this...I didn’t…" He spoke to himself, shock evident in his voice. But
she kept crying. She wouldn’t let him believe that it wasn’t his fault.

"OH MY GOD!"

"What the hell did you do to her?!"

These were new voices. They came from behind him. Turning around, he found the faces of
his family, his four brothers. Kevin watched silently as tears began to form in their eyes to
match his own. He watched as Nick, the youngest of them all, dressed his face in a look of
disappointment and leave the doorway. It was too much for him to handle.

"What the hell have you done to my sister?!" AJ was first to speak directly to Kevin, after
taking in the scene before him. The younger man practically ran towards the older and
shoved him up against the wall. "I NEVER expected this out of you, Kevin Richardson! YOU
WERE THE FUCKIN ONE THAT HELPED ME! I thought you were stronger than me. I looked up
to you. I was so wrong about you…"

"Alex…"

"Don’t call me that." AJ shook his head. "I don’t know you anymore. You’ve hurt Nick. You’
ve hurt Jenn. You’ve hurt your cousin, your brother, and you’ve hurt Sara. If not physically,
emotionally. The Kevin I know wouldn’t have hurt anyone. Not for the whole fuckin world…"

The tattooed man sniffed and then turned to head out, unable to take any of this scene
anymore. There was something more he needed to say though. "I hate you, Kevin. I hate
you’re fucking guts." His voice was squeaking with raw emotion. "You’re dead to me." With
that statement, AJ pushed past everyone and left the room all together.

Kevin shivered with a chill as the icy words stung his ears long after his brother had
spoken them. The same words that he, himself, had spoken to AJ before he had gotten
help…

"I...I’m sorry. I’m so sorry." Kevin whispered, reality of all that he was doing hitting him, full
force. His eyes looked up to find Nick, Brian, Sara, Howie and Jenn all watching him
intently, ready to stop him from whatever he would decide to do next.

The drugs were starting to invade his body, slowly taking their affect, he could feel them.

"No…" He whispered to himself. If he could maintain his rational thinking, maybe someone
could help him. For good this time. Maybe he could get help without it leaking into the
public.

What would they think? What would everyone say when they got word of this? His friends?
His family? He was supposed to be the father figure. He was supposed to take care of
them. He wasn’t supposed to be insane…

Before he could get his mind to slow down, Kevin realized he had a razor blade tight in his
grip. He looked around. Brian and Howie were too busy tending to Jenn. He could see Nick
sitting on his bed, leaning forward with his head in his hands, Sara was beside him. Now
was his time…

His time to do what? He couldn’t quite remember. The blade resting between the tips of
Kevin’s fingers caught his eye again. It was so shiny. So new. So not meant for the purpose
he planned on using it for. He caught his reflection in blade. It wasn’t him though. It was
some man that he had never been accaquainted with. Some man he had only heard stories
about…

Slowly, Kevin turned one his hands upward, his palm facing the ceiling. The cold metal
pressed against the warmth of the pale skin of his wrist. He became intrigued with the
deep color red that poured over the white. One small drop. So intrigued that he didn’t
even hear Nick’s screams…

"KEVIN! NO!"

He heard the voice nearing him. But he couldn’t find it. He couldn’t look up long enough,
tear himself away from that beautiful venomous red color. Kevin kept dragging the blade,
watching more color seep onto his skin.

The voice was right in front of him now.

Kevin looked up to find Nick’s face staring back at him. The face was washed with pain and
sadness, those blue eyes bathed in a hurt caused by Kevin. "Don’t do it, man. I…I need
you. I love you. Stop this…" He sobbed, trying to hold it together. "Please?"

The older man looked back down to his newly slit wrist and then back up to his brother. "I
didn’t mean to, Nicky." Kevin swallowed and licked his lips, suddenly freaked out by the
blood streaming down his arm. "I…I love you too." His voice cracked at those words.

Sobs fell from his lips as he saw a hand open before him. He followed the arm to find that it
belonged to his cousin, who had paled greatly at the whole ordeal. "Give me the blade,
Kev." His accent was thick. Kevin recognized the dissappointment in his voice.

"I’m sorry, Brian."

"Just give it to me, Kevin!" His voice was more urgent, more demanding this time.
Carefully, Kevin handed the blood lined blade over to his younger cousin and looked
down, unable to face him.

It surprised the older man to feel a pair of smaller arms wrap around him. "I love you, man.
Everything’s going to be okay now, alright? We’re going to get you help."

Kevin nodded against his cousin’s chest and shook slightly, finding this reality strange and
uncomfortable. Kevin Richardson had never needed help nor had he asked for it. He could
handle things on his own.

Brian and Nick both stood above Kevin now, and a bit of fear unexpectedly overtook him,
afraid that they were going to leave him there alone. He was surprised at the next voice he
heard.

"Here…" Jenn held a wet cloth in her trembling hand. Kevin wordlessly placed his
bleeding wrist in front of him, realizing that he was becoming a bit dizzy now. He watched
and cringed a bit as she placed pressure on the wound. He then looked up to watch her
face.

"Why?" He whispered raspily. "I…I hurt you."

"That wasn’t you." She whispered back, focusing on her action, unable to look up at him
just yet.

"I’m sorry, Jenn. I..I didn’t mean to." He reached her face with his left hand and let out a few
tears when she jumped back at the touch. "I n- never wanted to hurt you. In any way…"

Jenn looked up at him finally. Gone was the crazed look in those green eyes. Now, there
was a fear, a look of hopelessness, a look that was trying to find its way back to reality. In
those moments, those quiet moments, the whole world stood still.

And when it started spinning again, it took off too quickly. "Woah…" Jenn fell back off of
her knees and held her head down in her hands.

"Oh God…" Brian was the first to notice the unusual behavior and kneel down beside the
woman. "Are you okay?"

"I’m fine…"

"No you’re not! Howie, call an ambulance." Brian spoke, scared by everything in the room.
He tried to lift Jenn into his arms but she pushed him away, making his face fall with hurt.



"I told you to quit!" She spoke, an irritated undertone in her voice. "Howie, don’t call
anyone unless it’s for Kevin."

Howie stopped in the doorway, confused by everything that was incompassed in the
morning’s events. Jenn lifted her head to look back at Kevin, who watched her intently.

"I’m not…I’m not going to leave you here, Kev. Don’t you see now…that we all care? That
we all love you?" She took a slow breath in, fighting the nausea forcing it’s way up her
throat. She knew she had to make this quick before she was forced to vomit all over him. "I’
m not too fond of you right now. I hate what you’re doing to yourself and I hate how you
hurting everyone around you, but I don’t want this baby to hate you."

With that, Jenn took Kevin’s uninjured hand and placed it on her rather flat stomach. She
waited for him to look back up at her with an acknowledging, yet questioning look. "It’s
yours, Kevin. I can’t let this baby not know you. Because you…you could be such…an
incredible dad…"

"I want to be a good dad." Kevin’s eyes were swollen into slits now as cries made his
words almost incoherent. "Please help me be…be a good daddy…"

"You will be, baby." In a moment of pure emotion, Jenn reached for Kevin and hugged him
tightly.

"Don’t leave. Please let me be a part of my….my child’s life." His sobs shook his small body
now.

Jenn cried now, too, as the two wrapped themselves around each other. "Will you get help
now, Kev? Real help? For the baby."

Kevin nodded against her chest and then sniffed, pulling away to look at her face. "I
promise. For real this time." His hands captured her face. "Thank you." He kissed her and,
for the first time, she felt the sincerity that Kevin had always possessed. Her Kevin.

Their Kevin.

The kiss was cut short by another wave of nausea hitting her. "Oh God.." She stood
quickly, searching for the toilet through blurred vision.

"What’s wrong?" Brian asked, concerned by the look on her face, wiping the tears away
from his eyes.

Jenn tried to open her mouth to tell him. She didn’t mean for it to come out so quickly.
Brian’s shirt was immediately covered in vomit. His face turned a shade of pale.

"That’s my baby." Kevin smiled from the floor.

Then the room started to become darker. Those drugs he had taken…he didn’t remember
what they were. He heard the worried voices around him, but he couldn’t respond to them.
He felt himself starting to fall over…the pain in his arm becoming intense…his eyes blinked
slower and slower…until they shut.

And Kevin fell into a dreamless….sleep.

A/N: Please review...Sara will LOVE them! Wanna know what happens next?? Too bad...cause not even I know...cause Sara wont tell me...boooo!! so please leave tons of reviews so that I...i mean...we can find out what happens...

Jenn