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"Whisper"


Jenn sat silently on the side of her bed. Their bed. She watched as the sun gently eased its
way through looming clouds. Closing her eyes, she wished the light would never shine
through again. Jenn wished everything bright and beautiful to be gone in the world, just as
it had been taken from her life.

Taken so brutally. So unfairly.

-Flashback-

It was around 12 AM on December 24, 2004 when Howie and Jennifer Dorough were lying
in bed, listening to the ocean softly slapping the cool sand outside their balcony door. The
only audible sounds were the waves.

The breathing of the two human beings.

The beating hearts of the newlyweds, beating so strongly after a night of passionate love.

Jenn turned around in her lover’s arms to find his brown eyes bright and staring at her.
“Stop staring.” She smiled, looking down and blushing just as she had the first time they
had ever slept together.

“I don’t think I can.” Howie smiled too at his new wife’s expression and kissed the top of
her head. “Let’s have a family. A big, beautiful family that all look just like you.”

“Mmm. They would look like us, together.” Jenn squirmed a bit closer to him and felt the
heat radiating off his body and onto hers. His grasp on her tightened as a cool breeze
gently swept through the room. “I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.”

“I love you, sweetie.” Howie whispered into her ear.

It was the last whisper she’d ever hear from those sweet lips that had delivered her so
much peace and love when she needed it the most. If she had only known, she would’ve
whispered back to him everything that he meant to her. Everything that she could think of.
Anything that would keep her in his arms and keep her from falling into the dreamful sleep.

It was around 2:30 AM when the couple was jolted awake from their sleep.

Jolted from their life together

-End Flashback –

Jenn almost shot off the bed when Lori and Sara came through the door.

“Hey girl. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Lori apologized, sitting down on one side of Jenn.

“It’s… okay. Just thinking.” Jenn replied, running her fingers along the comforter.
“You okay?” Sara asked softly, sitting down on the other side, her face sympathetic.

“No.” Jenn’s voice was monotone as she looked toward Brian’s wife. “Should I be?”

The question wasn’t asked in a smart ass way but, rather, as a real question. How WAS she
supposed to feel? Ever since he had been gone, she wasn’t sure.

“I… I miss him so much.” Jenn finally spoke again, fresh tears blurring her vision. She
leaned into Lori’s arms.

She couldn’t believe it had been three months.

-Flashback –

“Howie…” Jenn cried out, as loud as she could.

“I’m here baby. It’s okay.” His voice was weak and hoarse.

Suddenly, she could hear scraping against the floor. “H-Howie?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m tied up to a chair, sweetheart. I was trying to make it over to the bed to
see if I could somehow get your hand in mine but, I can’t. I’m so sorry, Jenn.” He
explained.

Jenn was almost sure she could hear tears in Howie’s voice and decided to keep silent for
a bit, knowing that if she spoke anymore, they would both end up crying.

It was so hard to believe that just a few hours ago, they had been putting the last presents
under the Christmas tree and then making love for hours later. Closing her eyes, all she
could see were those bright red numbers. Flashing on and off. 2:04.

On and off. Much like the feeling in her arms. Much like the light in the room. It kept
getting lighter and darker.

“JENN?!” Howie yelled out suddenly.

“What?” She managed, finding her voice. Hell, she had a hard time finding her lips to
even open her mouth.

“You scared me. I thought I had lost…lost…” He stuttered, afraid of even the thought.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Even though she wasn’t sure if he could see it or not, Jenn
pasted on her best smile for him. “Um, Howie, where’d he go?”

“Downstairs, I think. I’m hoping he’ll just leave.” He spoke quietly. She could tell in his
voice that he was scared and, that, was what scared her the most.

The woman closed her eyes again, licking her dry lips. God, the pain in her neck was
absolutely horrible. She couldn’t really remember much though. The man had burst into
their room at 2:04. That she knew, those damn numbers were imprinted in her mind as she
had just happened to look at the clock right before she rolled over in the bed.
A struggle almost immediately ensued between the stranger and her husband. But the
stranger was so much bigger than Howie. So much rougher. Jenn was paralyzed by
everything that was happening. She wanted so much to get off of that bed but her body
wouldn’t allow her too. Suddenly, Howie disappeared with a thump.

“Howie!” She had screamed as the figure came bumbling towards her. The smell of
whiskey and ass passed under her nose, almost enough to make her pass out right there.
The man said not a word as she felt his fingers wrap around her neck and pop.

Jenn fought but it was no use. Her voice was gone as soon as her mind and darkness
overcame her.

Now, she found that sometime while she was out, she had been tied to the bed and Howie,
she guessed, had been tied to a chair. Now, as she closed her eyes, Jenn could smell that
man again. See his face… he was dark, with a few gold teeth and hands stronger than any
man she knew.

“It’s alright, baby. Just keep talking to me, you can’t fall asleep. I’m scared you might have
some kind of head injury. What’d he do to you?” Her husband spoke quickly as he did
when he was nervous.

“I’m…I’m not sure. My neck, it’s so stiff.” Jenn’s mind was beginning to slip away from her
again. She felt hot tears sliding down the sides of her head and, as she tried to turn and
look at her husband, she felt the dampness on her pillow. No, it wasn’t her pillow. It was
Howie’s. She could smell his scent.

Just as she had turned her head though, that asshole came back. Howie could only offer
her a seemingly comforting smile. At that moment, she wanted nothing more than to be
able to hold his hand. Not only for herself but for him. In her heart, she knew things were
fixing to be blown to pieces. She just prayed to God that, for once, her intuition was
wrong.

“I’m glad you two finally woke up. Have a nice conversation?” The man asked, sitting
down on the edge of the bed. Jenn tried to find her legs, to kick him off.

“What the hell do you want, man? Just please, take anything! Just don’t hurt us, please…”
Howie was pleading by the end.

“Hmm, testy, testy.” He stood. “Well, I was going to let you two have some more time
together but, seeing as you, Mr. Dorough, want to get down to business, we’ll do just that.”

Howie immediately regretted his words and Jenn saw that in his eyes as she glanced over
at him, nervously.

“Please, no.” She managed.

“Well, that was polite to say please, Jenn, but…” He smiled towards Howie. “You see, you’
ve had you’re time with him. It’s my turn.”

-End Flashback-

Jenn found that she was trembling now as she at the kitchen table. Howie’s band mates
and their spouses were all there, cleaning up and other things, anything to keep them busy.

"Hey, you sure you want to go?" A voice asked.

"Yeah. Just... not a good day." Jenn sighed and tried to smile, her grey eyes looking up to
meet AJ's.

AJ. Her husband's best friend. She took that he was taking sleeping pills, too, to get
through the nights when he missed Howie, the man that had been with him for what
seemed like forever. Jenn, however, had to take pill every night. Almost like candy now...
and she still couldn't forget. The pain...it was too strong.

"Hey Jenn... You ready to go?" Kevin poked his head into the kitchen and then revealed
his full body.

"Now or never." She stood silently as AJ helped her put on her coat. Funny, she didn't
even remember getting dressed. Then again, Jenn didn't remember a lot of things these
days. Just the pain that was constantly haunting.

And Howie's whisper. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. It was the last thing she had
heard before he was gone.


Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

They were on all sides of the car. The fans. The fans that had loved and supported Howie
and all of the boys since 1993. Some of them held pictures. Some of them held candles.
Some of them held their hearts in their throats, tissues in their hands, and sadness in their
eyes. Suddenly, Jenn realized she wasn't alone in this pain.

But it would always seem that way. Without Howie, she was alone. Her heart was left cold
and lonely, her bed was left dark and empty, and her hands were left outstretched, waiting
for someone to hold on. Waiting for Howie to tell her it was alright.

Jenn wanted to turn away from those eyes that seemed to be questioning her. Where's
Howie? What did you do to him? They all felt so accusing and she knew that was
completely wrong. Suddenly though, she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. If she
could've just gotten herself up off of that bed...

She felt an arm wrap around her shoulders and immediately identified it as Kevin's. He
had been so good about taking care of her the past few months and she felt so bad that
she had never thanked him for it. But, everytime he touched her, Jenn longed for Howie
even more. If she shrugged Kevin off though, she would be even more alone than she
already was, giving into the pain even more.

So, Jenn leaned into his chest and, rather, tried her damndest to hide from the pain. She
had been trying to for three months and, although she knew it would never work, it was all
she could do. She couldn't let these people see how torn and ripped apart she was.
Couldn't they read it all in her eyes? If they looked hard enough, couldn't they find
everything that had happened that night, laying there in seas of blue like an open book?
Howie wouldn't want them to know. She had to hide. At least, try.

The car stopped. Jenn could still hear the fans though, not as loud as they usually were
and she was sure she could hear tears falling onto the pavement where everyone stood,
waiting for the last Backstreet Boys performance. A memorial dedicated to Howie.

Jenn slowly evacuated the car, along with AJ, Lori, and Kevin. Brian and Sara came from
the car behind them. Security was tight around the group and Jenn had become numb to
her surroundings. It just all seemed so wrong, doing this without Howie. Being with these
people without her husband.

Kevin held her hand tightly as they walked towards the outside stage. This performance
was to be very informal, very raw, very unlike Backstreet. Why? Because The Backstreet
Boys no longer existed. Not without Howie. Jenn sat down in chairs off to the left wing on
the small venue with Lori and Sara as the boys took the stage one last time.

Before any of them had a chance to open their mouths though, the fans began to cheer, to
hold up signs supporting their lost bandmate. Brian, AJ, Kevin, and Nick stood there...with
long supressed tears rolling down their faces.

Lori and Sara shared the same expression.

Not Jenn though. She sat in silence, an emotional look washing her face. Staring.

Blink.

"It'll be okay, Jenn." His brown eyes tried to comfort her.

Blink.

"It's my turn." His gold tooth shined in the lights.

Blink.

"I love you. I love you. I love you, Jenn." Her lover had whispered before his eyes drooped
shut.

"No!" She suddenly yelled, jumping up from her seat.

"Jenn..." Both Sara and Lori came up with her.

"He might not even be dead and we're acting like he's been gone for years! We have to
find him! He needs us. Don't you see it? HE FREAKIN NEEDS US! He's soo...alone." Jenn
collapsed in a heap on the floor.

~*~

Backstage, AJ held Jenn tight against his chest, his own tears falling into her hair. She
wasn't sure how she had gotten there or, what had happened, but she knew she wasn't
crying anymore. She rested against him and stared into space, numb once again.

"Just go to sleep for a while, babe." Jenn found Kevin crouching beside her, gently
rubbing her back. Like Howie used to. Like he would do. When he came back.

No, she wouldn't sleep now. If she slept, she might miss him. If she slept, she might hurt.

If Jenn slept, she might die.


Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)



Night had fallen across the state of Florida and Howie Dorough was still out there
somewhere. Jenn thought about this as she sipped a glass of wine and felt the ocean
breeze sweep through her dark hair. She bit her lip, watching the stars twinkle above her.
Tomorrow was Howie's real memorial service and, although the police were still
searching, it seemed as though everyone had given up on her husband being alive. She
felt bad for that. Would he hate her when he came back and realized that his best friends
had already been acting as though he was dead all along? Guilt seeped back into her
veins as she poured another glass of wine.

"Shouldn't you be resting?" The voice of reason came to join her out on the deck.

"Nope." She answered simply as Kevin sat down in the chair across from her, eyeing the
half empty wine bottle.

"Should you be drinking on top of your medication, Jenn?"

"Nu uh." Jenn answered again, taking another sip, never breaking her gaze on the night
sky. She had to smirk as she saw Kevin gently bring the bottle more towards himself,
thinking she couldn't just reach across the table. 'God, Kev, I'm not Nick.' She thought. She
decided not to say anything though.

"Are you alright?"

"Yep." Jenn nodded a bit, sucking in her bottom lip. "I'd be better if Howie were sitting
there instead of you."

"Jenn..."

"I know. I know. They're doing all they can. Don't lose hope." She let out a sigh. "All they
can isn't enough anymore, Kev. They...they think he's dead don't they?"

The man was silent. For once.

"You think he's dead, don't you?" Her eyes watched him, almost accusingly.

"I think he's alright, Jenn. Wherever he is." Kevin's eyes were beginning to glaze over with
tears. Realizing she was hurt him with her question, Jenn turned back to face the ocean.

"I just...maybe I could've saved him, Kevin. If I could've just broke those ties..."

"Jenn, you know it's not your fault." The dark man pleaded with her, fearing what was
coming.

Suddenly, Jenn leaned forward as if she had just been punched in the stomach. She held
her head in her hands as the world crashed around her once again. It had been a while
since this had happened but the familiar headache came stinging up from her neck that
had become stiff with pain, just like that night. Her wrists were captured in her eyes, her
left wrist in particular. On her hand was that gleaming wedding ring that Howie had
placed on her finger not even a year ago but, moving further up, there was something
more.

A scar. A reminder of that horrible night that she'd never be able to wash away.

-Flashback-

"Jenn? C'mon, open your eyes." That voice should've been easier to place than it was.
She knew it...

"I think she's trying." That voice too. Jenn struggled to open her eyes.

"Jenn?" Southern. The voice had a certain southern 'twang'. In fact, all of them did.

Jenn revealed her eyes to the room but quickly tightened them again,the unwelcoming
light stinging her eyes. The voices belonged to Kevin, Brian, and Sara. She wanted so
desperately to see who else occupied the room. Maybe...if her lips would work...she licked
them.

"Where's...Howie?" Her heart jumped in her chest at the sound of his name. That was
strange,she thought. When no one answered, Jenn unwillingly pushed her eyes open to
find three nervous faces hovering above her. "What?"

That's when the pain in her neck hit her and she realized her wrist was bandaged.

Howie was gone.

The memories came whirling, rushing, and rolling back into her mind. That man had made
her watch as he kissed Howie's chest, made her watch as Howie cried, desperation evident
in his eyes. She knew that he wanted to cry out, but he said nothing. She knew he feared
he would upset her. He only cried. She had cried too. Cried until her eyes hurt. Long after
he was gone. Cried until she passed out.

The man turned to grab pants out of the drawer for Howie and then went into the
bathroom. "I'll be back, lovebirds." He growled with a snaggletoothed smile.

"Jenn..." Howie took a deep breath and pasted on a smile for her. She knew it was fake
but she didn't want to see it this time. She wanted to believe that smile was real,that it
really meant everything was going to be okay.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." He whispered. It was all he could say. She guessed
Howie knew that I love you were the most important words he had ever said to her.

"I love you, Howie. Don't go. Fight him." She cried.

"Don't cry, love." He leaned over and kissed her the best he could.

No longer could she speak. Her voice had been taken away with that kiss. She didn't
remember much more after that. The man had hit her with something again, making her
pass out from pain. Maybe he had intended to kill her.

Jenn wished he had. Laying there in the hospital bed, with that damn beep in her ear, it
all passed through her head. What scared her most? That man was still out there. He
would come back for her.

-End flashback-

"Shhh, baby." Jenn was now in Kevin's lap on the floor of the deck. He rocked her back
and forth as violent sobs racked her body.

"I..I..I ca-can't." She stuttered, choking on a hiccup. "He's gone,Kevin. He's gone and I can't
bring him back."

Kevin said nothing. He just stayed with her. That was all he COULD do. After all, he
couldn't bring Howie back either. Staring out into the ocean, a lonely tear found it's way
down Kevin's face as well.

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

The woman tossed and turned and tossed again. Her blue eyes opened as she turned on
her side, finding the door open to the balcony, just as it had been that night. Jenn blinked
slowly as sleep tried to fight with her mind. Deep inside her, there was that feeling. That
small yet, significant twinge... that she wasn't alone.

Jenn shot straight up in her bed to meet those eyes. Those eyes that had stolen her mind.
Sucked the life out of her body. "W-what do you want?"

"To get rid of you." He spoke with a deadly drip in his voice.

"No..." She found herself crawling up to the headboard, blankets almost suffocating her.

"He fought for you until the end, Jenn. It's because of you that I didn't get what I wanted
though." The hands came slowly flying towards her neck. She felt them twisting the skin,
until it was too painful to take.

"Noo! Please...stop..." She didn't know why she screamed these words. Why would she
want to live without Howie? The man had just confirmed that...that her love was dead.

Jenn felt her body slowly beginning to shut down. Her eyes began to flutter quickly and
then slow down. The man was killing her. And she couldn't fight anymore.

"Jenn? Jenn!" Kevin voice was almost piercing her ear.

She felt her eyes open and take him in. Jenn found she couldn't speak. Her heart began to
race wildly inside of her and then slow to an almost calming pace.

"They found Howie. He's here to see you, Jenn." Kevin's voice was different from how it
had been a few seconds ago. It seemed muffled now.

As she threw the covers off of her body, the room seemed cooler than usual. Outside, it
was bright and the sunshine reflected beautifully onto the ocean, almost like the day she
and Howie had gotten married. Suddenly, she was out of the bedroom door quicker than
she had ever traveled before. Her Howie was back.

Down the stairs she ran, a built up energy about to explode inside her. Still though, there
was a serenity about the house;it wasn't full of people milling around as they had when
Howie had been gone. Of course there weren't now, she thought, he was back!

Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, Jenn found the sun to be shining brighter in her
living room than it ever had before.

"Jenn..." God, that voice still made her weak in the knees, made her heart quiver with
excitement. Jenn squinted, not only was it bright but it seemed blurry. Maybe it was just
the tears she knew were going to fall eventually. It was her Howie standing there, wearing
his favorite shirt with a pair of khakis. It was what he was wear that day before he was
taken from her. His hand was stretched towards her.

"Howie." She spoke for the first time. As much as she wanted to go towards him, she
couldn't. Something in Jenn's mind wasn't allowing her to do it. She looked to Howie for
help but he only smiled. She looked behind her to find Kevin standing silently at the
bottom of the stairs. His face was sullen and sad looking. It was her decision, go with
Howie or comfort Kevin.

That's when it hit her. Why wasn't Kevin talking? Why wasn't Howie coming towards her?
This whole thing was beginning to become so strange. This was her house and these were
her two best friends. Hell, that was her christmas tree behind her husband, which she
refused to take down until he came home. But why was everything happening so
strangely?

"Howie? Come...to me." The words almost scared her as they left her mouth.

"I can't, Jenn." He was still smiling. "You have to come to me."

"Can...can Kevin come too?" She asked, still confused, looking between the two.

"Not this time." He licked his lips. "I,um, got your christmas present."

"Oh?" That was a random thing for him to say. Then, she remembered what his christmas
present was. A baby rattle. She had found out she was pregnant a few days before
Christmas and planned it as a surprise for him on Christmas morning. But, between then
and now, she had lost the baby. No one knew about it except her. The memory sent tears
down her cheeks.

"It's okay, Jenn. She's been safe with me."

Jenn then saw that he held the baby in his arms...with the rattle. The reality of everything
hit her head on like a ton of bricks. She was dying. Going to Kevin, she would choose life.
Going to Howie and her baby, she would choose everything that she didn't have to lose.

Suddenly, she felt a force trying to pull her back towards Kevin. "Noo.." She whispered in
tears. Jenn wasn't sure what she wanted yet, but she didn't want to leave this moment.

"Jenn, please, come back." Behind her she heard Kevin's strangled voice. He was crying.
Through blurred vision, she saw him standing with open arms. She heard other voices too
around him. Unfamiliar voices.

She stood there for a few moments. Between Kevin and Howie. Between life and death.
Battling with herself.

Silently knowing what she had to do, Jenn softly blew a kiss towards Kevin and left the
world.

Walking into the light, Howie smiled that perfect smile and handed her the baby. Taking
his hand, they walked into what seemed to be their living room.

This time, Jenn was the one to whisper. "I love you."



Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end

All the entertainment news reports the next morning mourned the loss of the Doroughs. It
seemed as though Jenn had went crazy during the middle of the night and Kevin
Richardson, who was staying with her, couldn't get near her without her freaking out.
While he went to call an ambulance downstairs, Jennifer Dorough managed to strangle
herself with the bed sheets. Doctors pronounced her dead hours later. Richardson
comments that the last words she whispered were something about her husband, Howie
Dorough, who was found dead yesterday at an abandoned warehouse. She then
whispered, I love you. The group states that she was very peaceful in her last moments
and said that she escaped the pain that life had cruelly dealt her. Somewhere, she's happy
with Howie again.

Game over.