I can’t even describe the kind of pain I was feeling. It felt like every single cell in my body was being torn apart. I wanted to cry but I was in so much pain, no sound would even come out. It felt like an eternity but then it ended all of the sudden. I had a hard time breathing after that, I mean seriously I was hyperventilating.
I did tend to hyperventilate from time to time, especially right before we had press conferences or interviews. Performing wise, I was fine. Knowing I could potentially say something stupid and make a fool out of myself scared me to death. That is what would drive me to start hyperventilating.
On those fun occasions, I would be known to suddenly start breathing very heavy to which Kevin and Brian would run into action, Kevin would rub at my back and tell me to calm down and Brian would grab a paper bag and tell me to breath into it. Deep breaths…soothing breaths. AJ chose to help out by cracking jokes and Howie would just keep saying ‘It’ll be okay Nicky’ over and over again.
I closed my eyes and tried to picture them helping me as I laid there on the ground. I thought maybe Grim would have gotten up to help or something but no, he just sat there on a log staring at me as I wheezed.
“Why didn’t you help me?” I asked him as I finally was able to bring my breathing back to normal. I was scared for a second there. I really felt like I was going to die, which was ironic considering my situation to begin with.
“It’s not my job to help you.”
I slowly sat up now, my eyes trying very hard not to be drawn back to the beautiful light. “But you said it was your job.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did, you said your job was to get me out of the woods.”
“Did anywhere in that job description mention helping you breathe? No, I don’t think so.”
Wow, remember how I said maybe Grim wasn’t so bad after all? I totally take that back. He’s a jerk!
“But still…”
“Are you ready to go yet?” He asked me, seeming so blasé about the entire thing. If I was Kevin I would totally be complaining to his boss by now.
“But you’re not Kevin are you?” AHH! He needs to stop doing that.
“And you need to stop relying on everyone but yourself Nickolas… didn’t Casper tell you that before?”
“So, you know Casper?”
“Of course I know him.”
“Then you know his dad too huh?”
“Fairly well…yes.”
He stood up and motioned for me to do the same, I was having a great deal of trouble with that task though. I really did feel like my legs were made out rubber. I closed my eyes, which always seemed to help me out. I quickly opened them though, when I felt the ground start shaking once again.
“Oh great…another earthquake.” I just sat on the ground and waited for it to pass. This time it seemed to last forever. Grim didn’t even falter on his feet; I was kind of hoping he’d at least fall. I know that would have given me some gratification.
Eventually it stopped and that’s when I stood up, much to my delight, without falling. “I wish these stupid earthquakes would stop. That one seemed to last forever.”
“They aren’t earthquakes Nick.”
“No, of course they aren’t. Why would they be? I mean they only feel like earthquakes and act like earthquakes.” I rolled my eyes at him. I was so over Grim already. I want Casper back please.
“Every time that happens, it’s because you’re having a seizure. They are happening faster and lasting longer, that’s not a good thing.”
“A seizure?”
Grim nodded at me, “We better get moving before that little road no longer becomes an option.”
Okay that got me moving a little faster, at least I wanted to move faster, but as I walked a little farther from that light, the pain came back. Not as bad as before but enough to make me drop back down to the ground. I knew in that moment, I was going to die. I was so close to making it, but there was no way.
“Are you giving up Nickolas?”
“Please make it stop…please.” I was crying as I laid in a fetal position. “I can’t take this pain anymore…please.”
“You have to realize, all that is waiting for you is pain Nickolas. There’s so much pain in the world.” He took a seat beside me, “If you go down that path, you’ll feel like this for pretty much the rest of the way and it won’t get any better once you get out of here I’m afraid. No, once you’re back home the pain will remain.”
“Why…do…you …” say that? I couldn’t finish verbalizing my thoughts. The pain was too great.
“Nickolas… your road to recovery will be tough. You’re going to have intense migraines; your management will fight to get you up and about before you are ready…”
But the guys won’t let that happen, they always look out for me.
“Yes, but some things they aren’t in control of and that’s one of them. It’s your mother who will try to push you back to work before you are ready.”
Just at the mention of my mother, the other kind of agony hit me, the emotional one. Why couldn’t my mother just let me be a kid for once? I’m going to need her to be there for me, to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright but she’s not going to. “She never does that anymore.”
“Yes, things will be much harder for you if you go down that road Nick.”
“I have no choice; I can’t just stay here forever. I don’t want to.”
“Also understandable, believe me, this place gets pretty boring after awhile, but you can go back in there.” Grim said as he pointed to the light. “Just on the other side of that light is no more pain…don’t you want that?”
I didn’t dare turn around to look at it, but I felt its warmth and I heard its gentle hum, it sounded like a music box, one that I used to play with when I was a small child. It belonged to one of the old ladies that lived in the senior citizen home my family worked at when I was a kid. It played the song Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head. And I used to wind it up and listen to it over and over again.
When my parents would get into fights I would hide in that woman’s closet and play that damned music box and it made me feel…
“Safe? That music makes you feel safe doesn’t it?” I nodded at Grim while still keeping my eyes closed.
“Believe me when I tell you that the only truly safe place in the universe is in that light.”
The pain started to lessen once more and I was able to sit up, “You know…for someone who helps people out of the woods, you really aren’t doing a very good job.”
“That’s twice now you have insulted my work ethics Nickolas.”
“Sorry Grim, but I call um’ as I see um’”
“Explain…” Great, when will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut? It’s probably not a good idea to get the one person who can help you out of the woods, mad at you. I’m such an idiot.
“What I mean is, seems like you would rather me go into the light, then to go back home.”
“Nickolas, I only want what’s best for you. There is nothing for you at home, yes…there are people there who love and care about you, but in the end, we all strive for that light.”
“But I don’t want to die yet, I’m too young. I have too much to live for.”
He looked at me and nodded, “Maybe, but for whatever reason, you were brought here to these woods Nick and for whatever reason, you’re still here and you have put one foot into that light already. Only a handful of people on earth can say that.”
“All the more reason to live, I can go back home and brag.” Grim laughed at me.
“What I’m saying Nickolas Gene Carter, is that the powers that be, let you into the light. It wants you, if it didn’t; if you weren’t ready…it wouldn’t be so bright.”
I was starting to get scared now; maybe it was time for me to go. Just thinking about not being around my family anymore or seeing the guys or even performing ever again, made me so sad.
No, I’m not ready.
“I want to go home, so do your job and help me get home Grim.”
“That’s what I’m doing Nick.”
“Huh?” He was confusing me.
“I am taking you home. It’s my job to make sure everyone gets home.”
“Okay, you’ve said that a billion times already Rain Man.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Sorry, it was a movie…but really, I want to go home. Not in the light, that’s not home.”
“But Nick, there you’re wrong…it’s my job to get people home, sometimes it’s that tiny path but most of the time, it’s that light.” Crap on a stick.
Maybe I’m slow…in fact you all probably figured it out long before I did, but still I had to ask him, even though I knew the answer. “Grim…you wouldn’t by any chance happen to be…”
“Yes I am Nickolas…people know me by many names.”
“Like…the Grim Reaper?”
“Yup, they call me Grim for short.”
That got me standing up pretty quickly, “I am not ready to die.” I said as I started towards the hill that led to that tiny path.
“Most people aren’t and there’s no need to run…” He put his arm out to me but I didn’t listen, I took off like a bat out of hell.
Not that it did any good, because he ended up standing right in front of me, blocking my way. Now that was an interesting parlor trick. “Please let me pass you…”
“I just want you to think about this for a minute Nickolas…you are being given a chance that not many people are given, a chance to be happy and at peace for eternity. I know you’ll miss your family but once you go through that light, it won’t seem so important to you anymore.”
“But it is important to me now…” Suddenly another earthquake hit us and I lost my balance and fell to the ground. My head suddenly started to pound and for just a second I saw a brilliant flash of light and heard voices. It was as if I had a family of trolls living inside my head or something. A truly odd feeling, well besides the feeling you get when you are having a conversation with the Grim Reaper.
“Nicky…please come back to us…don’t do this.” It was Howie’s voice, clear as day inside my head.
“I’ll let you make fun of me and pick on me every day for the rest of my life if you just make it through this…fight kiddo. Don’t quit, not now.” I felt the tingling sensation I kept feeling all throughout this trip but now I knew it was because he most likely was holding my hand.
Wow, did he just give me permission to pick on him for the rest of his life? That’s huge!
I SO know once I get better though, he’ll say he never said anything even remotely close to that.
When the earth finally stopped shaking I sat up slowly, my head was still hurting and now along with that I wasn’t feeling well. “I think I have a fever.” I said out loud. Why? I have no clue. It was kind of like telling a vulture…okay you can eat me now, I’m just about dead.
“Nick stop being so damned stubborn and just open your eyes!” This time, it was Kevin and he was yelling at me. I can’t believe he was friggin yelling at me! But hearing his voice and Howie’s was enough to help me off the ground.
“I hear them…I know I’m getting close aren’t I?” Grim was still standing in my path, not looking very happy with me.
“You’re going to start feeling really badly in a few minutes Nick; with every step you take you’re going to wish you were dead.”
“I’m willing to do that.” I took a deep breath and walked right past death. I was afraid he was going to grab for me, or suddenly he would reveal this monster type face or something, I mean he looked so normal. Something had to give.
“You say that now…” The wind kicked up and started howling all around me. Leaves were swirling around in the breeze as if they were making a giant cyclone, right in the middle of my path.
The wind was so strong at this point that I could barely breath and the howling wind so great I had to put my hands over my ears to block the screaming of my name. I remembered this scenario from one of the dreams I had while here. “When he comes for you, you better run.” That’s what Casper had told me.
I looked at my surroundings and it was in fact, the very same place in my dream. The one where the leaves swirled all around and Casper stood on the log making the wind howl. It wasn’t Casper though, it was death himself. He was now standing on a log about a foot away from me with his hands in the air. He was the one making everything happen.
I ran.
He was right; every step I took was murder. I felt like I had run a marathon when all I had done was barely make it three feet into the gnarled path. The leaves were really picking up speed and I knew the only way I was going to get out of the woods was to go right into the middle of the funnel.
On top of everything else, the ground was shaking as well. I was probably having another seizure, I felt the urgency to hurry so I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and barreled right through the moaning wind and leaves as the trees around me started to give and fall.
The cries of my name all shrill and scary suddenly seemed more calm once inside that whirling wind. I have to admit I didn’t expect that, I found myself stopping as I heard familiar voices. My great Aunt Collette was among them. She used to make the best apple pie ever. She would dish me up a big scoop of chocolate ice cream and heat up a slice just for me while all the other kids slept. She made me feel like such a grown up.
Then there was my grandfather, he was saying my name and I could picture his face with his arms defensively folded in front of him, as if I had just gotten into trouble for doing something bad. You didn’t want to get caught being bad on my grandfather’s watch.
Voices of some of the people who I had known that had passed on, all shouting my name, telling me to turn around and join them in a better place.
It should have been cold in the middle of all that wind, but the air was humid and pleasant. I could have stayed there all day, I felt so light all of the sudden and sure enough when I looked down my feet were no longer on the ground. The funnel had picked me up and I was floating.
That’s when I saw another flash of light, in the middle of all the whirring and howling. I saw my mother and father. They were sitting right beside me in the hospital, one holding my left hand and the other holding my right. It looked as if they were both crying. “They are there…they are waiting for me.”
My mother was humming a song to me…I could barely make it out but I was pretty sure it was Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head. Kevin was standing right behind her with his hand on her shoulder. “They are so sad…” I said as I felt my feet touch the ground once more.
I saw that bed appear again, just like when Kevin and Casper showed it to me what felt like forever ago. Everyone I loved was all around me. I mean there was barely any room for me with all the flowers, the people, the love. Brian was sitting on my bed staring at me, his hand on my leg as he listened to my mother sing.
“They think I’m going to die.”
“That’s because you are going to die Nick.” I turned to look at Grim, the voice of death, but instead found Casper standing there. He seemed almost sympathetic and sad as he walked over to me. I turned back to the site before me, it’s like I never wanted to stop watching. All my life, I have always doubted that people cared. I mean I have showed them all how much I love them, but not often did I ever feel that love returned to me. Finally I was witnessing it and it was beautiful. Even more beautiful than that light, to see my mother and father with their hands wrapped around me as if I was the most important thing in the universe.
“I don’t want to die.” I whispered, not really even believing myself anymore.
It was just about dark now, almost impossible to see the small path that I was halfway through. The picture of my life started to fade and once again I was left all alone.
The sky illuminated with light once more, just like I had seen at the camp, so pretty and bright, I was able to see in the dark just because of it.
“It’s time to go Nick.” Casper said now once again creeping up behind me.
“They are starting to click people in.”
“I don’t want to.”
“I know, but it’s too late now.”
“I can make it.”
“No, you can’t.” He walked over and stood in front of me, “I’m really sorry Nickolas, I wanted you to make it out of here, but you just don’t have the will. You don’t have the drive to do it alone.”
I looked at Casper and shook my head, “You’re wrong. I do have the will.” I walked right past him and once again started my run out of the woods. I wasn’t going to let death win.
“I can do this!! You can do this!!” I yelled at myself as once again the leaves started swirling around me.
“Nick!!!” I heard Casper’s voice but I ignored it, I even ignored it as it morphed into the voice of his father. They were the same person, always had been.
“You’ll never make it…come into the light!”
“No!” I shouted to him as I continued to walk. My head hurt so much and the pain was unbearable but yet, I kept walking. I had to make it back to the people I loved. If I stopped now, there would never be another chance, and that much I could feel.
Just when I was about to give up, I saw a light, “Shit!” I said while panting and once again there was Casper, or Grim or whatever the hell you wanted to call him.
“Leave me alone!” I shouted at him. “You told me you were helping me but you were only lying!”
“That’s not true.”
“You had me SO scared of your father…but it was you all along! Why would you do that? It’s not enough to kill people off but you have to play mind games with them too?”
“I don’t kill people off Nick.”
“You’re DEATH!”
“Yes, I am…but my job is to help people into the light…sometimes they are ready and go right away…other times like you…it becomes a task and a half.”
“Well, you can ask anyone, I’m difficult.” Casper laughed again. Death had a pretty good sense of humor.
“We better go…” He held out his hand to me.
“You said to me, back at the camp, that death can’t just take you, you have to go with him right?” He nodded at me.
“Was that true?” He nodded again. “Well, then it’s been nice to meet you Casper and I know we’ll meet again, but I’m going home.”
I thought he was going to stop me, but instead he smiled, “Nick…you’re already there.” Suddenly I felt another earthquake, the fiercest one yet as the light ending the path suddenly grew in brightness and started moving towards me.
I heard singing and I felt peace and then all of the sudden.
Darkness…
