His funeral was on a Monday. She attended dressed in all black. It was closed casket for the damage to his head was too great. From looking over her shoulder from the nagging feeling of eyes, she saw his best friend standing on a hill from where the family could see him. But he kept his distance. She held a faint smile from old memories then she turned. She walked before they finished and started to the car she parked a way from the other transportation.
His eyes were squinted against the cool wind blowing. A cold front had swept warm air from the state and now temperatures once in their sixties at night were now in the forties.
“How are you doing ‘Nissy?” he asked and she stuffed her bare hands into her pockets starring coldly at him.
“Don’t call me that.”
“What?”
“Don’t play with me.” She snapped.
“Lanis.”
“Alanis Micheal, you know me.” She said and he sighed.
“Do you think I killed him?” Micheal Towshid asked shifting his weight.
“What?” she looked bewildered and confused. She ran her hand over her head. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You think because you cheated on him with me, it’s my fault cause you need someone to blame because you can’t blame yourself. You’re in mourning which gives you the right to feel this way.”
“Shut the hell up okay. Just shut the hell up.” She growled, “I’m not blaming you. I’m…I’m blaming no one okay.” She said softly covering her face with both hands, “He killed himself, not any…not any one else.” She looked away back at the dispersing crowd.
“They blame me, I don’t but it’s hard okay.”
“That’s life Alanis. Did Michelle, your best friend even know about us.”
“This is why you’re all the way back here isn’t it? This is how you pay your respects to a man you’ve known all your life.
“You haven’t even cried a tear.”
“Not in front of you. You think I’m tough and I’m cold hearted but I don’t like showing my weaknesses.” Alanis argued back.
“It’s not weakness Alanis. It’s called emotion.”
“Michelle didn’t know about us.” She said and she slid a cigarette from his pocket. He looked as she pulled a purple plastic lighter from the other.
“You smoke?”
“No, but there’s a first time for everything.” She sighed. She inhaled then coughed, “God these are horrible.” She said and she threw it to the ground.
“It’s all really horrible if you think about it.” He said looking over her shoulder. She turned around and looked back at her best friend walking toward them.
“Hey Michelle,” Alanis greeted but Michelle starred coldly at her. It’s hard being the best friend and her late brother’s girlfriend.
“Did he know?” she asked sharply and Alanis starred at her.
“Did he know what?” Alanis asked. Michelle rolled her eyes.
“Stop playing around okay. He’s dead now. I can never tell him. No one can tell him anything.”
“Michelle, that’s why I broke up with him okay.” She said and she fought hard not to cry. She couldn’t loose her best friend too, “I have a life too. I didn’t want to marry him. Then I’d forever love somebody else okay. But right now I have no partners.” Alanis said and his look was confused.
“What?”
“Can you really expect me to go on as if he had never killed himself Mike?” she asked with contempt in her voice, “Do you? He just blew his brains out and I saw it all. You know what I dreamed about yesterday?”
“But everything doesn’t have to fall apart.” Micheal said.
“You don’t understand anything do you?” she asked, “I thought you were his best friend.”
“And now you want to take up for Micheal.” Michelle said. She then stepped to Alanis’s face, “Lay it off bitch. If I ever see you again…I’ll kill you.” She growled.
“You can’t blame me Michelle,” Alanis snerred in her face, “He pulled the trigger, not me.”
“He pulled the trigger but you helped him.” She walked away silently. Alanis watched as her back turned small and then she disappeared into the limo. Alanis began to walk away.
“Where are you going?”
“Away.” She said softly. She stuffed her hands in her pockets and walked to her car.
“Alanis, we need to talk.” He said as she walked quickly. He reached to her and grabbed her arm.
“Don’t touch me!” she sneered at him and he yanked her in front of him.
“Yes, he’s dead and yelling at me will not make him rise from the dead and love you again.” He growled at her face and she slapped him sobbing. She slapped him hard and released all of her angry energy through that. She attempted to slap him again but he hugged her and pushed her head in his chest.
“God, I really loved him. I really loved…”
“Be quiet.” He said and he lowered her to the ground. He knelt in front of her as she sniffed.
“I can’t stay here Micheal. I can’t. It hurts too damn much. It hurts too much.” She said shaking her head.
“I can help you.” He said, “There are support groups around-”
“I don’t want a damned support group Micheal. I want new scenery, new people, new memories.” She said and she laid on the ground and covered her face, “God, I really need your help.” She mumbled. He sat on the cool sidewalk.
“Alanis-”
“Please don’t tell me anything else or try and convince me otherwise. Just agree with me. Just say yes okay, I understand and forget the rest.” She said, “I can’t live here. I don’t want to live here anymore.”
He sighed, “Where do you want to go?”
“How bout Miami.” She asked and he rubbed his lip.
“All those hurricanes.” He said and she sighed.
“They don’t all necessarily hit Miami.”
“Well it looks like it damn it.” He said laughing and she smiled. He’d miss this. He knew she was going to leave despite whatever he said. She needed to leave. If he was in her position, he’d probably leave too. They had a thing but it wasn’t strong so it didn’t really hurt as much as it could have.
“I think I’ll write a story about this.” She said out of the blue. It was so random he starred at her.
“You can’t even read.” He said and after a brief moment of silence and stillness, he felt her foot smash into his side. She was giggling.
“Ow damn it!”
“I can read.” She said and she rolled to her side looking at him.
“No you can’t. You can’t spell either.”
“I can too.”
“Stomach isn’t spelled stomik.” He poked her leg and she smashed her foot gently into his side. She sat up after that and ruffled her short hair. She starred with brown glowing eyes at him. She jumped to her feet and ran her hand over her face.
“I’ve gotta go okay.” She said and she stuffed her hands into her pockets, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She walked away smiling. Sliding in her car, she turned on the engine and drove through the cemetery feeling beautiful. By the time she was home, she was in tears again.
