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38

I left the hotel without even looking back. I just wanted to escape, run away from it all. It wasn’t that hard actually, I had become a pro at losing security when I wanted too. Piece of cake; I managed to ditch him the second someone called his cell.

As I aimlessly roamed the streets of NYC, with my hood up over my head, I longed for nothing more than to just blend in. Be one of the guys I saw walking next to me. They all seemed so carefree and happy.

When I turned a corner I was met by about five kids who looked like they were my age, maybe a year or two older. The way they were carrying on made me think they were college kids out for a night on the town; two girls and three boys all laughing and walking arm in arm.

I could have just melded in with them because they were so entranced with one another they barely even noticed. I could have been one of their college friends and I even found myself laughing at some of the stupid jokes the one guy who was without a woman on his arm was saying.

They were in the midst of a night of bar and club hopping and were arguing about where to go next. The guys wanted to go to some raunchy bar but the ladies wanted to go sit on the beach.

I almost wanted to ask them why because it was really cold out. Why on earth would you want to go sit on a beach in New York? But ironically enough after they had managed to walk ahead of me and I watched normalcy fade, I found myself longing for that beach.

When I felt like this, so desperate and especially alone, I only longed for one thing; water. It was my saving grace. Nothing could cheer me up as watching the waves hit the shore. At the worst times in my life, when I was permitted to have those, I would even find myself falling asleep on the beach to the sound of waves clapping against the rocks.

When you are famous like me, you are rarely permitted moments like that. People may hear you saying how lonely you are or how sad but they just kind of give an attitude like “How can he be sad? He has everything in the world” Even my guys. They might hear me having a pity party for myself and not fully understand what was going on. “You are so young Nick…call me when you find a real problem” was usually the smug reply I would get from Kevin. He had no idea, none of them did. Now as I walked along the streets of Manhattan at night, I was beginning to realize that maybe now they finally got it.

I knew they would be worried about me; I could even picture Kevin pacing back and forth threatening me with bodily harm. Was it bad that I wanted that to happen? I wanted them to be worried. But even still, as I thought those things I fought the urge to say well nobody cares.

It’s hard to feel like there is anybody out there that cares for you when your own parents don’t seem to. I mean how bad of a person do you actually have to be to have not one but two parents who don’t give one damn about you or your life?

“Move out of the way kid” someone said as they shoved me from their path. The guy seemed like he was in a real hurry. I was so into feeling sorry for myself I hadn’t even realized that I stopped walking dead in the middle of the sidewalk. Big mistake in New York.

Looking up at the street signs I couldn’t believe how much ground I had covered without even knowing it. The welcome heat to my left made me look to see I was next to a subway station. In all the times we traveled to New York I had never been on a subway. I remember begging my Mom and dad to take me on their just once but they both refused. I smiled at how hypocritical I was, now that my real father had rejected me, I was back referring to Bob as my dad.

Glancing down the steps of the subway station I decided to go for it, I made my way slowly down there, crinkling my nose at the most unpleasant scents that irradiated from the ground.

I was met with a steady beat of someone playing some empty tubs in a random hip hop rhythm. People were throwing him money as he played, but mostly they just ignored him.

I felt the need to stand there and listen to what he was doing; he seemed so into his music; just like me when I got into the zone. When he was done I clapped and went into my pocket and threw $10 in his hat.

He nodded at me as he started another song. Maybe we could use him on our next album, I briefly thought before I heard the high whistling sound the wheels of the train made as they came into the station. Suddenly it seemed the people, like cockroaches came out of everywhere all bound for one single destination. They ran toward the train as if they didn’t catch it, their world might end.

I got caught in the crowd and found myself being shuffled right along towards the gates. I hadn’t bought my ticket yet…or was it a token or something? Now I was feeling slightly dumb again.

Pushing myself out of the crowd I had a tiny flashback of being stuck with a bunch of screaming teens as we left a hotel in Germany. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and next thing I knew, I was in the middle of them all screaming and clawing at me. I think it was Howie who pulled me out of that one. They have all had to rescue me from something like that at one point or another.

Even AJ who of course waited a few minutes to laugh at me first. They were good guys and I found myself suddenly feeling guilty for having left the way I did. In fact, this was the second time I had done this to them on one trip. First at the Tavern on the Green and now. Maybe if I gave them a quick call they wouldn’t be mad. I stood against the wall contemplating this for a little while. I wasn’t that far away, maybe Dave, Mike or Rob would come by and pick me up. I’d get a little lecture but that would be the end of it. Then the reality would once again set in. I would be Nick the dope. The stupid kid who so readily trusted these two men who claimed they were family. So eager to let them in that I opened up to them and gave them everything I had.

“Someday you’ll learn not to trust every single person you meet” One of them would say, maybe Howie. Most likely they would make D talk to me because he was the nicest. Kevin would hang back after yelling at me, but they all would look at me with disappointment lighting their faces.

I could see it as if they were standing in front of me now. That thought alone made me decide to buy myself a token and head off to somewhere. Problem is I had no idea where.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*
Mike and Kevin sat in the back of the car making small talk, both feeling very uncomfortable in each other’s company. They seemed to be getting nowhere fast; no leads at all were popping up making both men edgy. “I swear to God when I find your brother I am going to kill him”

“You know…maybe if you spent less time pointing out all the stupid stuff he did and more time being nice to him he wouldn’t always fight with you”

Kevin turned towards Mike, “He told you we fight?”

“All the time according to him…he seems to think you nag him a bit” Kevin shook his head, “It’s only for his own good. He mistakes concern and love for nagging”

“Have you ever told him that?”

“What?”

“That you love him? Obviously Nick doesn’t feel loved” Mike lay back in his chair tilting his head towards the car’s roof.

“Obviously? Excuse me for being cynical but you have known him for what? All of ten minutes? You act like you have been the best big brother on the planet” There was hurt in Kevin’s words. Mike not only picked up that but also a hint of jealousy as well.

“No Kevin…I admit I have been a lousy brother to him, but I wouldn’t have, had I known where he was”

“You could have looked for him”

“I’m doing that now aren’t I?” Kevin moved his head towards the other window trying to distance himself from Mike who continued to look up at the roof, wishing he were in a convertible starring up at the night sky.

“He just knows”

“Knows what?” Mike asked looking away from the little dipper in his mind and focusing on Kevin. It was dark in the car but his silhouette told so much. His shoulders hunched his hands clenched. “He just does…Nick knows we love him”

“Okay”

“Do YOU love him? You talk about me…what about you?” Now Kevin was getting defensive; a side effect of the very long day finally catching up with him.

“Of course I love him. I love him so much it hurts and you know what the worst part of that is?” He didn’t wait for an answer because he knew none would be found, “What’s worse is no matter how much I care about him…it’ll never be enough. Too much time has gone by Kevin. He doesn’t consider me his family…he considers you guys his family” Now it was Mike’s turn to sound hurt and a little jealous.

Kevin found himself playing with the tassels on his scarf interweaving them through his fingers. “Well I have a feeling he isn’t thinking he has any family right now. I guess we can thank your father and mother for that”

More silence after that, there seemed to be nothing left to say except as they drove past the subway station that Nick had been earlier, Mike said more to himself than anyone else… “We’ll find him”


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I have come to the conclusion that people who rode the subway late at night weren’t all there. I sat in an almost abandoned car trying not to make eye contact with the other four people there. I felt like they were all staring at me and I hoped it wasn’t because I looked familiar to them, at least that is what I originally thought. After awhile all the weird stares I got weren’t of recognition but of ‘I want to kill you’ or ‘let’s go in the back and have a good time’ Ick! There was one guy in particular who kept licking his lips at me whenever I glanced his way. He had to be about fifty and he made me uneasy.

That’s when it started to dawn on me that maybe I had made a mistake. Maybe running away was a bad idea? I mean my Mother, not the nicest sweetest or most maternal person, had at least drilled something home to me as a kid. She said it’s not a good thing to run away from your problems because they will always come back to bite you on the butt. But then again, where is my Mother now? riiiight…must run in the family.

I had gotten on at least three trains switching from color to color not knowing what the hell I was even doing. Just asking the people at the booth how to get to a beach. Some were real smart asses about it. “Hey this kid thinks he’s in Miami or something…he wants to go to the beach” That was my favorite, but finally I was pointed in the right direction towards what I guess was my final destination. Jones Beach? I just hoped it was a real beach.

Of course when I left the station the fifty year old pervert was following me. Of course he was…why wouldn’t he be? I picked up my pace a little to which he laughed.

“Somebody’s paranoid” He said yelling after me. I felt dumb so I slowed down.

When he caught up with me he pushed me to the ground, “I never said you shouldn’t be paranoid did I?”

I was lucky all he did was rob me, it could have been worse; so much worse. It was so easy for him to overpower me. He laughed about how weak I was; especially liking the part where I cried. He got annoyed when I didn’t have a wallet on me. All I had was about a hundred bucks stuffed in my pocket which I cringed at when he put his hand in there and grabbed it out. I guess to get even with me, he punched me in the face and stole my jacket!

It was like the perfect ending to the kind of day I had. I sat on a bench shortly after that, wiping my bloody lip. Nice to know I had something to match my bloody head from earlier. Because he stole my damn jacket I was freezing my ass off as I sat there like a stupid five year old crying and cold.

About fifteen or so minutes later another group of people left the station. They all passed me without bothering to look my way. They probably thought I was homeless or something. I’m kind of happy no one knew who I was.

“Are you okay son?” A very nice man asked while sitting down next to me. I kind of moved away from him. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“I was just robbed and I don’t even have enough change to call home” I sounded pathetic, “Oh my goodness…are you okay?” He asked seeming genuinely concerned. I nodded at him. “Would you like to use my phone and call your parents?” Well that did it; the poor guy had no idea what kind of a day I had or anything about me but I completely lost it when he said that.

He probably wanted to run away from me but instead he gently wrapped an arm around me and let me cry. When I finally let up he did me the favor of calling Brian which I was thankful for. I didn’t want to talk to him, I was already feeling more than a little dumb.

“Your friend said someone will be her to come and get you okay Nick?” I nodded at the nice man. “Thank you so much sir, I usually don’t act like such a baby but…” The guy stopped me, “Oh nonsense…I would be doing the same thing as you if I were just robbed, you were just lucky you weren’t hurt too badly…you know at this time of night you should never travel alone even if you are in college” The guy thought I was a college kid. For some reason, that became the highlight of my otherwise cloudy day.

“Would you like me to sit with you until your friend comes?” I wanted to say yes but I didn’t, “No that’s okay he should be here soon. Thanks so much for everything”

He decided to stay for which I was grateful. I couldn’t bare to be alone anymore.

I hoped it was Brian who would come, or maybe they’d just send me a car. They were probably so pissed at me, they would never want to even talk to me again.

Would serve me right.