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"Boys!! This will be one of your greatest ride of your life!" Johnny sounded very enthusiastic, as he stood in front of the bus speaking into one of the microphones.


"Yeah man, bring out the barf bags," AJ grinned. Kevin wanted to make a joke, "No need, this is not a plane!"


There was some laughter and as usually I was the target. After giving Kevin a hard glare I sighed and stared out at the gloomy scenery. It is still very cold and snowy outside. Shivering, my thoughts are on Brian in the hotel room, snuggle up in a warm bed. Sleeping. In that moment I want to shift places, even if it meant that I had to have my head over the trashcan all the time. It would be worth it.


We were on our way to the Swedish Record Company where we were going to discuss ideas about the upcoming production of our new CD. Johnny was also going to go through the some of the details about this tour, as well as the concerts that we were going to give here in Stockholm. Boring, Boring, Boring.


"Ok guys, as you probably noticed there are lots of fans that are stalking at the hotels and you have to be careful. You are very famous here and I have assigned a special security team for you. You all know Lonnie Parker," Johnny gestured towards a man that was seated in the front of the bus.


" Hi Lonnie," we all said in unison. It reminded me of grade school when the teacher wanted all of us to say, "Good morning." During that time, I could be a bit of a pain in the butt and at one occasion I refused to say Good morning and got an hour detention. It sucked and my mother was so mad at me for acting rude that I got whipped on my butt. Since then, I try to be as polite as I can.


Lonnie took over the microphone and explained to us that situation was that we had to have body-guards. I didnīt know whether to laugh or cry. Shit. There was no fun being stuck with an personal bodyguard. The good thing was, that we didnīt have to have them 24/7. Only when we were going on and off concerts and when there were promotion events. But if things heated up they would be at our side all the time. This was bad since Kevin was acting like this all the time. Honestly I donīt think that Kevin would protect me if there were some stalking fans. Putting his nose in my business that was another matter. My body-guard's name was Billy and he has been my security during our past tours too.


I sighed, as I was starting to become really bored. And when I get bored I get restless and then my leg starts to bounce. Needless to say AJ, who was seated beside me, was starting to get pretty annoyed.


" Nick, stop that!" he said after I had moved on my seat for the umpth teenth time. When I didnīt stop he snarled. " Do you have something stuck in your ass or what?"


Being smart I laughed, " Yeah, your head!"


This didnīt actually improve the situation, " If you donīt knock that off I am going to make you pick pieces of this seat out of your ass with a pair of tweezers!"


Bad words. Bad words.


Ohhh how scared I became. Grinning I gave my seat-mate the finger, just to be met with a slap on the back of the head.


" Ouch that hurt," I whined and rubbed with my hand on the sore spot.


AJ said nothing. He acted like I was air. Instead, I looked around on the bus. Maybe I could get some attention from Kevin. Fat chance.


Mr I-am-filming-everything-that-looks-ugly, was there with his video camera. Kevin carried it around everywhere. Saying that he is going to show Kristin and his family the places he has been too. Like if they would be interested in all those ugly buildings. When me and Brian wanted to film him, when he came out of the shower, getting hit with a bucket of cold water, we were not allowed to do this. THAT however I am sure that Kristin would have liked to see.


Glancing around in the bus I see that Howie has his headphones on and is listening to music. Gosh, I wish I would have done that. If only I brought my portable CD player, the music always calms me down.


Then something suddenly caught my eye. All the guys, including Johnny were dressed in the same black ski jackets with Backstreet Boys written in white on the sleeve,all but me. As I look down on AJīs feet I notice that he has on some black boots too, the same as the rest of the boys.


Promotion clothes!


Now I am seriously getting pissed off. Anger is starting to build up and soon ít is starting to boil over. Iīll bet that they have on long johns too!


AJ looks at me, as my face is starting to get redder and redder from anger. " What is wrong now?" he asks, just to be met with a short " Nothing! Mind your own business"


" Hey man," AJ raise his arm to shield away, " You donīt have to spit bile on me" Ignoring him I raise my voice to high C and call out, " Johnny!"


With a sigh Johnny turns on his head, showing me some attention since he knows that I donīt shut up until someone listens to me.


"How come you guys all have ski jackets and boots and I donīt have anything!" I said in the tone that could be classified as whiny. There is silence in the bus.


It wasnīt Johnny, but Kevin who opened up next line. " Nick didnīt you bring that bag that you received a week ago?"


"What bag?" I sneered, flaring with my arms like I do when I get really mad.


Now Johnny had picked up some air and he said in an irritated tone, " Nick, donīt tell me that you didnīt bring it?"


"What?? What bag?" Panic rose in my voice. I could feel AJīs hands on my shoulder trying to calm me down, but I was much too cross to listen to anyone, but myself. If it is one thing that I hate it is when the guys speak to me in riddles.


"The black and white bag," AJ dipped his nose into this conversation.


I was surprised that Denise had not made a statement yet. Dark thoughts, dark thoughts.


"Oh"

Shit I thought it was some of my mother's laundry and I had sent it to the dry cleaner. This was something that I would NOT reveal, so I had to put up an act. As I accused the management and then the delivery boy for loosing my belongings. My anger was rising a knot. I know that it was a lousy shot towards innocent people, but my mind had started to "stutter" again. I had been blamed one time too many for stuff that I hadnīt done. No way. I was not going to take blame for this, getting deeper into shit. Beside it was their fault since they hadnīt told me what was in the bag. And what a stupid idea to send the clothes in a bag!


"NICK!" It was Johnny that had called out trying to get my attention. Apparently, he was fed up with me bull shitting. Breathing hard I looked at him, no more like glared. "Nick, you are so lucky." Johnny was drawing out the words. It was like he enjoyed getting me worked up. Being the sadist that he was.


"What the heck do you mean?" I was starting to become impatient, since this conversation was dragging out in time. "NICK" Kevin's turn to freak out.


Hey I know! Letīs all have a freak out party. We can cuss and scream at each other, by the way isnīt that called group therapy, or a soap opera?


" I brought an extra bag and it happens to be in your size." He smiled, handing me the bag, that he had with him. Calmly he told me that my mother had called telling him yesterday morning that I had sent the bag to the dry cleaners, and that I had forgot it. Johnny had some extra promotion clothes that he was going to give to the record company guys and they were my size.


Saved by the bell again.


"Oh Nicky, next time try not to make up such a fairy tale." Johnny grinned widely. There was lots of laughter and snide comments on the bus. But not even a small smile came over my lips, instead I felt as pissed as ever.


Bastard, he knew all the time. He just wanted me to be put to the test, the sadist that he was. Sulking I looked out of the window, refusing to meet anyone's eyes. If this was what he wanted, to humiliate me, I would NOT put on any of those warm clothes. No I would rather suffer and die from pneumonia or a frozen dick. The latter didnīt sound too tempting, but hey what donīt you do for the cause.


Besides Johnny the Menace and Kevin ( I dragged him into this too since I bet that he knew) were going to have lots of explaining to do when I ended up dead, frozen to death. I know, I have vivid imagination and I almost smiled at the plan, I had set for myself. The bus came to a halt and we went off the bus into the record company. Fans were outside and for a brief moment I stopped and gave away some hugs and wrote autographs. It was so cold and I started to regret that I was so stubborn, yet I would NEVER give up without a fight. This boy would rather suffer, and that I did. My hands were stiff and I had trouble writing with a pen.


Howie, the nice guy that he was, had taken upon himself, the quest of looking after me, since that is generally Brian's task. Sweet Dī was following me in my tracks and I he was almost breathing down my neck. Litterally. This was going to be fun. Howie and a big body guard watching every step that I took.


Maybe death wasn't so bad after all.


As soon as we were inside the building and had met the record people from yesterday, I decided to be difficult. Resolutely I announced that I was going to the loo, ignoring the sour comments that came from Johnny and the boys. If there is one thing that Johnny and Kevin dislike, it is when something interrupts their precious schedule. And if there is something that Nick likes, it is to make life difficult for them.... So off I went, Howie in tow.


Gosh, canīt these guys even leave me alone to pee???


Inside the restroom, I fled into a stall, locking the door behind me. Sitting down on the toilet lid I just waited for my name to be mentioned and true to my words, I didnīt have to wait long until Howie uttered " Nick?"


Not answering, I was sulking, wanting him to leave.


"Nick!" This time Howie's voice was a bit firmer. " Are you all right?"


No! I am not. I want to go home!" Yeah, leave me alone."


" Nick, you know you shouldn't act like such a baby. You are seventeen years old. What will the record people think?"


So who died and left you in charge? Kevin?


" You donīt have to be in here," I snapped. "I'm going to take a dump"


Howie wasnīt easily fooled. I have to work more on my skills of wrapping him around my finger. " Iīll wait."


Howie was either a secret bathroom stalker or he was actually concerned for me, however I wanted to sulk on my own and wasnīt going to surrender without a fight. I know that I am very childish, but somehow I donīt think it is nice to drag people out in the cold, to make fun of them, and then rob them of their well needed sleep. And this I was going to state.


The guys were going to have their hands full with me on this tour. Miserable, I longed for Brian. I know it is foolish, but Brian always knows what to do in situations like this. I fingered the cell phone. But first I had to get rid of Howie, since it was way to embarrassing to let him know that I called Brian, whenever things heated up.


" Howie," I grunted hard." Go, I am really constipated!" I most have sounded like I was trying to shit out a basketball. A dirty trick, but in war, everything is allowed.


That should do it!


" Hey man, that sounds bad. Maybe you should try some prunes?" Howie made no attempt to leave the premises and I was starting to get desperate. Kevin would soon be down here wondering where we were and then there would be no time to call Brian. And I really needed to talk to him.


" Yeah, maybe" I sighed, " You know Howie, I donīt want to sound rude but I would feel better if you could leave me alone for a while." I grunted again to state my point.


Finally, Howie must have picked up the line, and he said, " OK, alright, but let me know if there is anything that you need, ok?"

p> "Uh huh," Yeah, Yeah, Now split.


After reassuring him several times, that I was ok, Howie left. By the concern he was showing, Brian had probably told him to keep an eye on me. Ok, you might think that the guys always follow me to the bathroom, but that is not the case. Although, I have to admit that issues like this are not so hard to talk about since you kind of get used to sharing everything when you are stuck with four guys day in and day out for five years.


If you think that these things are disgusting and should not be talked about, you better leave now since I can be a rather descriptive and gross person.


I didnīt waste much time before I called the hotel. Yup I had written down the phone number on a napkin in case I needed it. This came from a past experience when I had gotten lost in a city, not knowing where I was or what the hotel's name was, only that it was a big hotel. Very clever, this was one of the first times, we were in Germany and I was totally lost. Then I found a police station and went in there. They found out where I lived, so I could be returned to the boys and my mom. The down part was that they were very mad at me for disappearing like that. Sigh.


I waited several signals before a scratchy voice came to the phone. " Hello?"


" Brian?" Oh I woke him up. Now I felt bad. Selfish.


"Nick?" Brian coughed harshly.


" Yeah man, how are you doing?" I was doing my best to sound cheerful, but it didnīt fool Brian.


"Whatīs the matter? Nick. Has something happened," Brian's voice was soft as always.


At that moment I could cry, yet I shaped myself up. After all I was seventeen, and seventeen year old boys donīt cry to their best friends. Even if they felt so exhausted and miserable that they wanted to pass out.


I steadied my voice. " No..nothing."


" Nick, come on. What is it? Where are you?" Brian was concerned and I could just picture him sitting up in bed, trying to comfort his friend on the other line.


" At the rec..record company. The Loo" Now the damm broke and I could feel the tears that had wanted out for so long start to run down my cheek. Great!


" The loo? Are you sick? Where are the rest of the boys? Kevin?" The questions were several and they were asked in rapid sessions.


I felt a bit bad since I was sitting here, bawling my eyes out, having Brian to comfort me in the miserable state that he was in. But isnīt that what friends are for?


" No. I. I just feel so lo..lonley" Sobbing I told Brian about how Johnny had made me look bad. Leaving out the parts that I had refused to admit, that it was my fault that the bag had gotten lost. There is no need to make the guy upset. After all he is sick.


After I let out all that I had on my heart and Brian comforting me for a while through the phone, I felt tons better. Isnīt it strange that lifting off some pain from the heart makes you like a whole new person. I felt ready to grab onto life again.


"Thanks" I whispered to Brian.


"What for? I am your friend, Frack. You know that and you can turn to me for everything." There are no doubt about it. BRIAN is the BEST!!!!!


"Nick! Have you got stuck in the toilet or what?" AJ was calling out for my attention.


Big sigh. " No, AJ I am fine. I am coming now." Turning to Brian I said that I had to go and hung up. I flushed the toilet so it didnīt look to suspicious and went outside to wash my hands. After all the guys thought that I took care of different matters than my lonliness. No not in THAT way, not this time.


AJ looked at me suspisciously. He is NEVER fooled. " Who did you talk to?"


I shrugged, "No one." Please let me sound a bit convincing. Apparently I didnīt succeed as he instantly asked me " Man are you all right? Have you been crying?"


I shook my head. " No, I just had a hard time..you know. Stomach ache." I could just hope that he didnīt press on the issue and sure enough AJ stopped asking questions, played along with my game.


If it is something I respect AJ for it is that he knows when to stop, and leave something alone. That is unlike the rest of the guys. AJ has always such a cool attitude. He never gets really heated up, and emotional for something like this.


"Awww.." AJ said, " Most suck, you better now, man?"


" Yeah!"


" Maybe you are coming down with the same shit as Brian," he said lightly and opened up the door for me to get outside.


I nodded. " Yeah maybe"