Brian walked through the hallways with his eyes on his feet. They were at Jive again. He couldn’t even count all the times he had been there in that building. It was like they lived there ten out of the twelve months of the year. The other two they spent away from it all. As if he could get away. He didn’t understand that term “get away from it all”. He never got away from it. He had lived this life for so long he didn’t know anything else. His entire life was just one big blur.
He sighed. He was bored. Bored with his love life. Bored with his job. Bored with his life in general. It took all he had to get up and continue day after day. He knew that he shouldn’t be feeling that way, but it seemed so routine. When he first came to the green grasses of Orlando to be a Backstreet Boy, it had all been so new and exciting. Now it was just another day. He felt numb to the world around him. And the funny thing was that the guys had no idea he felt that way.
Brian went through the day just like he always had, with a smile on his face. He never realized how good he was at acting until the past year or so. During the day, no one knew the difference. The fans thought of him as the soulful southern dream boy. The Guys thought of him as just another one of the boys. His family even fell for it. It was when the lights went out that he cried. Lately he had been in the one lone room. Kevin and Howie were starting to become buddies in the family sense. Howie just loved helping Kevin pick out things for his wife. So, usually, they shacked up together. Nick had started drifting away from Brian a long time ago. Frick and Frack were barely seen together these days. It was now Bone and Kaos. Together they had reeked more havoc in the past year or two than Brian had in his whole life. Because of this, whenever they could, AJ and Nick bunked together so they could hit the party scene. So that left Brian with the single room. At first it bothered him, but after while he got over it and got used to it. It wasn’t like he could do anything about it. Plus, he didn’t want the others to know he cried himself to sleep every night. He figured it was better that way.
He used to call Leighanne when he felt lonely, but even that didn’t last long. She had a life to live without having him call every five minutes. Brian and been alone for a long time. Stranded without life support, you could say. He remembered a saying his grandpa used to say to him, “When you get to the end of your rope, make a knot and hang on.” Well, he was nearing the end of his, but he didn’t have enough strength to make a knot. He was not prepared to hang on. It was a lot easier to just fall. Just let go and tumble. But he had held on for so long…
He thought about the journal he had started. At first the pages were filled with happy thoughts and dreams of love. Lately, those lined sheets were filled with hatred. He felt hatred towards the world, but mainly towards himself. He didn’t know what triggered it, but that’s how he felt. He was even starting to experience panic attacks regularly. Taking a deep breath, he forced one such attack down. He had to be good today. They had a lot of work to do and he didn’t want to ruin it. But it was so painful. He knew he had to get away. He slowed his pace and eventually stopped. The rest of the guys didn’t even look back.
Brian ducked into a side door and shut it behind him. Without bothering to turn on the light, sank to the floor. The tears flooded his eyes. He tried to cram his feelings into his throat, but they just kept coming. Giving in, he cried. His chest heaved in and out as the sobs continued.
He pulled his backpack off of his shoulder and began thumbing through it in the dark. Finding his notebook and a pen, he opened to the last page, where he knew he had nothing written. Almost before he was ready, his hand began writing. He didn’t know what he was writing. He didn’t know if it was even straight on the paper. He didn’t really care. Apparently his mind had taken over, and he wasn’t stopping.
The tears began to subside and he stopped writing. Pulling an extra shirt out of his bag, he wiped off his reddened eyes. Finally, he turned on the light and pulled a mirror out of his pack. He used that mirror to check if anyone would notice that he was crying. He had become an expert at hiding his feelings. He couldn’t help but feel sorry for himself as he looked at his swollen eyes and red cheeks. He shook it off. He dabbed his face with water and calmed his nerves a little more. When he was satisfied, he put away his belongings and exited the room.
