Brian was still shaking as AJ knelt down in front of him. AJ placed his hands on Brian’s knees in an attempt to calm him down. For a while no words were exchanged. It was enough for AJ just to see his friend alive. Finally, taking a deep breath, AJ commenced to tell his story.
“Brian? Remember when I told you all that I had a problem?” He hesitated while Brian simply nodded his head. “Well, that was after I had a very traumatic experience. You see, I was at a place in my life where I didn’t want to be around anymore, and I thought you all would be better off without me. I was just a bother and all I was good for was to be the ‘bad boy’. When I went to bed at night, I wondered if you guys would leave me there and go to the next town without me.”
Brian frowned at that thought. It was exactly how he had felt lately. Was AJ making this story up just to get him to change his mind? Or was AJ telling him something he hadn’t told anyone before?
“After a few months of this feeling,” AJ continued, “I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I was too scared to confront you guys about it, and I didn’t want to talk to my family either. I was stuck in a crossroads and I could see the train coming fast. So, I did the only thing that seemed right at the time. I bought a gun and hid it in the top left dresser drawer in my hotel room, right under some personal belongings. I figured it was the only way I could get through it. I knew that if I needed it, the gun was there to end the pain. I was set for life, or the remainder of it at least.”
After stating this, AJ glanced up at his friend. He noticed that Brian wasn’t looking at him anymore. Suddenly, he had become increasingly interested in a ripped seam in the bedspread. AJ shook his head because he had hit the nail on the head. Brian had heard a story that sounded strikingly familiar to his own, and AJ was determined to let it sink in that he was not alone in his fight.
“Every hotel we went to I would put it in the same spot. When we were stuck on the bus, I hid it under my pillow. Every night before going to bed, I would take it out and every once in a while I would examine it. I would make sure the bullet was set, you see I figured I only needed one, and I would clean it every now and then. Most of the time I would just stare at it. I knew I would use it someday. When that day came, I would be ready.
“I must have had that gun for at least six months before I took it out to actually use it. I pulled out the gun like I had every night before, but this time I spun the chamber. I decided to play a game of hit or miss. I would fire the gun into my temple. If the gun went off and the bullet went through, I had won and I would be dead. If it didn’t, then I would wait until the next time I could do it and try again. My plan was simple.
“I knelt down at the edge of my bed and placed the gun to my temple. I did not want to fall too far if it did go off, which is why I knelt down on the floor. Anyway, I cocked the firearm and took a deep breath. Then, without hesitation, I pulled the trigger.
“As you can see, the bullet was not in the right place. It was at that moment that I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how deep I had fallen. I had practically dug my own grave and was one foot in. I decided to tell you guys, and that’s when I confronted you. I sold the gun at a thrift store a few days later while we had some free time and that was the end of it. I checked myself into rehab and the rest you know.”
AJ stopped for a moment to see how Brian was reacting to this. He noticed that Brian wasn’t doing much of anything. In fact, he was still staring at the same spot on the bed. AJ concluded that what Brian was doing was waiting for the explanation of why the bullets were not in his gun. “Brian…” AJ stated while turning Brian’s face back to his. “This is the part you want to hear, okay?” Brian nodded so AJ continued, not looking away from Brian’s eyes.
“Being through this ordeal myself, I knew what signs to look for. I have to admit I was astonished to see these signs in you, Brian. I never thought it would be you to stumble. Never in a million years did I think you would follow my downfall. But, unfortunately, I did see a lot of the signs.
“Knowing the actions that I had taken, I began to look for signs of drinking and stuff like that. I didn’t really see you take that road, which is good, but I was aware of the final step you would take. That’s when I decided to enter your hotel room one night. You weren’t there, I think you were out with Kevin or Nick or something, so I had the understanding that I would be alone in there. The first place I checked was the top left hand dresser drawer. I was taking a guess. I didn’t find it there, but I found it in the top right hand drawer. Just like mine had been, I found it under a box of personal belongings. I kept in mind that you would probably look for it that night, so I removed the bullets and returned the gun to its place.
“I know I should have talked to you about it, but I was scared. I was worried that I would drive you to do it just by confronting you about it. I remember how stubborn I was back then, and I was comparing your feelings to mine. Now that I think about it, I realize that I should have talked to you, because everyone goes through depression differently. I should never have ignored it, all I did was make it worse, and I’m sorry.”
Brian’s lip quivered as he held out his palm to AJ. AJ looked at it with surprise. “Give them back, AJ. Give them back now,” Brian declared calmly. “Give the bullets back.”
“I can’t do that, Brian. You know I can’t do that,” AJ replied.
“GIVE THEM BACK!” Brian screamed into AJ’s face. “GIVE THEM BACK OR GET OUT!”
AJ shook his head as tears began to descend down his face. He stood up and moved towards the door. Turning back, AJ opened his mouth to say something, but in the end he decided not to. Sighing, he exited the room.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, I know it's been a while, but I haven't been able to come on the computer long enough to update. Things have been a little hectic lately. So, here it is. Hope you like it. :o)
