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The hallway was clearer than before as he tried to catch up to the guys. He asked for directions once before he found then. They hadn’t even noticed he was gone until they heard the door click shut. Upon that noise, they turned to look at him. Brian gave them a shaky smile. He hoped they bought his story of just slipping away to the bathroom for a minute. He let out a sigh of relief when they shrugged their shoulders and continued with their conversations.

Brian sank down in a nearby chair and took in the sights. There was artwork hanging everywhere. Picasso, Monet, and VanGogh. Brian loved art usually, but today seemed to be different. The bright colors contrasted the emotions he was feeling, so he just couldn’t connect. On one wall, he noticed that there was a wooden cross. Brian just gazed at it. It didn’t mean anything to him anymore. He had given up on that a long time ago. To him, it was just pieces of wood. He figured if God couldn’t help him through the pain of his life, He just wasn’t worth believing in.

Brian frowned as he thought about the life he was living. It was just one big disappointment. At first, he was proud to be alive. But, after that feeling disappeared, he just felt lost and confused. These feelings arose around the time of his 18th birthday. Celebrating it on the road, without his close family and friends, just turned out to be a disaster. He didn’t enjoy it at all. It was soon after that the dreams came. Standing there, watching his own funeral. Everyone wearing black. No one crying, just standing there with blank looks on their faces. It disturbed him tremendously. He thought about relaying this information to the guys but quickly decided against it. He didn’t want them to have to worry about him. But the dreams wouldn’t stop.

Leighanne changed all that. For a while everything was fine. No worries. Then his surgery creeped up on him. Putting it off multiple times was his idea completely, but everyone blamed it on management and didn’t think twice. Brian just went along with it. It was when Leighanne threatened to leave that he came to his senses. Living a life without her would mean a life of no light. The operation went fine, but he would be scarred for life.

Then, when the tours expanded into the United States, they had no time for themselves. Leighanne was being ignored, but it wasn’t his fault. She sure blamed him though. For everything. Brian knew she didn’t mean what she said, but it still hurt. He had prayed every night, but nothing improved. His faith was severely damaged during those years.

Now, with little Baylee to take care of, Leighanne was a little more conservative with her feelings. Yet Brian could still feel the heat of her eyes and hear the strain in her voice when they talked. He wished he could be home more, but sometimes it just wasn’t possible. And that made Brian feel even worse. It pained him to think of Leighanne alone with their son day in and day out. He knew it was mainly his fault and apologized often, but she was sick of the excuses.

His thoughts suddenly turned to his journal and to what he wrote before. What was it that he wrote? He thought about it until he finally pulled it out of his backpack and turned to the last page. The words were not exactly straight but were pretty good for writing in the dark. He realized that it was a poem. He read it to himself…

The water rises around me
And I get dragged from shore
My mistakes play for me
Like a long, sad movie
My life is out there for all to see
And I see my faults plain as day
No one is there to help me
To keep me from going under the waves
With every scene I sink lower
I struggle to swim up
But it is no use
I am in too deep
Too far from the safe sand
I open my mouth to scream
But nothing comes out
Just water enters
I gasp for breath
But I do not receive any
My lungs are filling with water
The movie continues as my eyes submerge
Soon the water is all around me
And my breath slows
I sink deeper and deeper
And then everything turns black
I am drowning in my own despair

As he read it, he realized it was exactly how he felt. He felt as if he was drowning. Drowning in a sea of pain and regret. That’s when he decided he would end it. Once and for all.