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AJ looked deep into Brian’s eyes. He tried to figure out what was on his mind. For the first time, he noticed the pain in his friend’s blue eyes. On closer inspection he become aware of the change in color. They were now gray.

Brian took a deep breath. It was finally time to say what he had been hiding all these years. What was tearing him up inside would at last be brought out in the open. Looking away from his friend, his eyes wandered around the room. His notebook was lying open to his suicide letter. Brian slowly arose from the bed and shuffled towards it. Swallowing hard, he picked it up and returned to his spot next to AJ. “I can’t seem to find the words, so…” he began handing the now closed journal over to him, “read this and it will say it for me.”

AJ turned it over in his hands. All he saw was a worn down thick notebook. “What is it?” he inquired.

“It’s my journal. I’ve been writing in that notebook since the day the Backstreet Boys officially began. I didn’t write everyday, so it’s surprisingly not full yet. It’s pretty worn though, so be careful when you open it,” Brian described. “Everything is in there, so please read with care.”

AJ nodded and opened the cover. The first page was dated May 06, 1993. He began to read:

So, we’ve finally begun to work around here. I’m so excited to be here. I didn’t think I would ever have fun getting up at five in the morning to work until nightfall. My colleagues are great and have really made me feel at home. I can’t wait until we see how far this ride can go!

AJ smiled as he began to look back. But knowing there was something important Brian needed him to see, he continued onto the next entry, dated a week later:

Work is work. That phrase couldn’t be truer. Sure is fun though. I get to sing and dance all day. Who wouldn’t want this job? My new friends are really good, and they…

The entry continued, but Brian turned the page for him. Quite a few actually. He stopped when the date read February 20, 1997.

Today is my birthday. I can’t believe how old I am getting. But this day seems different for some reason. Last night I had one of those dreams again. I wonder what they mean. Maybe it means I’m going to die if I have that surgery. Well, that shouldn’t be a problem because I just cancelled it. I can’t afford to leave the tour like that. I’ll get it eventually, but I’m not ready yet. Anyway, work is fine and the guys…

Brian began to turn the pages again. AJ wondered what Brian was trying to show him. He seemed to know exactly which pages he wanted AJ to read. Looking back at the journal, he noticed it open to another page.

March 07, 2000
Another day goes by that I can’t see my beloved. We are getting married this September and we’re once again experiencing ‘technical difficulties’. We fought for an hour yesterday on the phone. It’s like she blames me for being on tour. She even told me to quit! How dare she say that! I never asked her to quit. I can’t believe it. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe everything is my fault. The guys have changed, I notice. They must think that now that I have Leighanne they don’t need to talk to me anymore. I can’t even get Nick to play basketball anymore. Oh well, I’ll live, for the time being anyway. Back to work. Always back to work. Screw them. Screw the world. Screw it all, damn it.

AJ’s eyes began to grow wider. He couldn’t believe it. He turned towards Brian and stammered, “Brian, I…”

Brian just shook his head and turned a few pages. The date now read today’s date. AJ began reading once again:

So, this is goodbye. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. I knew the day was approaching, but I just never thought so soon. But, I guess that’s what happens when your life reaches the end of its road. No matter what age you are…

AJ was so consumed he didn’t even notice Brian rise from the bed.

I guess I’m doing this because of the feelings I have towards myself. I don’t really blame the others for pushing me to do this. It is my decision, after all. I just kind of wish they would have noticed and tried to get me some help. Oh well. Guess that’s just too much to ask…

Brian bent down when he reached the dresser and reached under to pull out his pistol.

I’m going to miss them all very much, but this is something I have to do. They don’t even know I’m alive anymore, so why don’t I just make myself dead so they don’t have to worry. Maybe they’re all right; maybe I am dead to the world. I hate how everything makes me feel. I feel like I have no way out. I’m drowning. There is no one there to save me. I’m scared, and yet I’ve never been so sure of what I am doing. No one seems to understand what I’m going through. Not even AJ, who has come pretty close. At least he had the willpower to confront us about it. I can’t even do that. I figure, if they can’t see it, it’s not even worth it….

AJ didn’t notice it when Brian sat down, gun in hand. He was too busy reading the last line of the entry:

It used to be all for one and one for all… but those days are over. I love them all with everything I am, but it’s time to say goodbye.

Tears swelled up in AJ’s eyes as he once again turned towards his pain-filled friend. That was when he noticed the weapon in Brian’s hand. AJ shook his head rapidly as he quickly stood up. “N-N-No…” he stuttered, “you c-can’t.”

Brian gave him a shaky smile as he turned the gun over in his hands. “I was planning on doing it before you showed up,” he explained.

AJ had only one question to ask. He stared at Brian with his piercing brown eyes, and with all seriousness he asked: “Why didn’t you?”