Nick didn’t hear his girlfriend, Rachel, as she called his name. He just continued to stare at the tombstone marking the final resting place of his mother. His eyes were stone cold, but it was only to cover up the hurt and inner pain that he was feeling. After all, the woman had never been there for him and she had used him for what he was worth. When she was alive, their relationship had been on bad terms. When she’d died, their relationship had been on bad terms. So why did he feel so damned guilty and empty on the inside? Why did he care?
"Nick?" Rachel called again, placing a hand delicately on his shoulder. Her soft touch caused him to break from his trance, jumping slightly. He turned and looked in to her soft jade eyes, "Are you okay?"
Nick’s facial expression said nothing. His eyes, unreadable. Rachel wished that she knew what he was thinking so that she could help him. She wanted nothing more than to just reach out and help him in his time of need. After all, his mother had died unexpectantly just two weeks prior. She couldn’t imagine losing her mother so young. Then again, she was also unaware of the tenseness and large gap that the two had against them. Her and her family were very close-knit. Something Nick didn’t know and in return, searched for the affection he’d missed out on in his childhood through a significant other.
"Nick, you’re worrying me."
Nick snapped from his captive state, realizing his attention had wandered off again. He knew that she was wanting some sort of explanation, but what could he say? He didn’t even know why he’d brought her there in the first place. Wasn’t a graveyard somewhat of a private place to college personal thoughts? Things were silent for another few minutes and Rachel sighed, turning her own gaze to the tomb.
Why must you say I made a mess out of things?
I won't believe it.
Tonight feels right like I'm dancing on air.
I'll make it right, I'll make it right.
was engraved in to the rich marble slab followed by the dates of her birth and death. The lyrics were haunting, however somehow they fit.
"She just...pissed me off so much, you know?" Nick finally said harshly, "She was never there, but I hoped that one day she would be. I never got the chance to try to make things right. She never got the chance to. For so fucking long, I prayed that she would come to me and apologize for all the wrongs she’s done by me and try to make things right finally. It never happened and now it never will. I hated her so much. Why do I feel so horrible?"
Rachel was quiet for a moments time, not really knowing what to say. She let her eyes wander to Nick for a moment and let him vent off his feelings. It was something that he needed to do and she needed the time to think of something to say to him. Although no tears were falling from the outside, she knew that on the inside he was a mess despite his tough demeanor. When there was a long enough pause, Rachel decided to try her luck and speak.
"She was your mother, Nick. No matter how things were between you, you’re going to care."
"I don’t want to."
"But you do." Rachel pointed out, "And that’s a good thing." she pulled the stiff man in to her arms for a tight embrace.
Nick took in a deep troubled breath, letting it out slowly. He closed his eyes for a few moments time and when he opened them, Rachel could read guilt within the deep blues. There was something more to things than what he was admitting to. Something that was causing him such trouble.
‘What is it?"
Nick shrugged, still no tears falling. How could he cry for a woman that he had disowned himself from. Or had it been the other way around? He couldn’t remember.
The details of the past were foggy. All he knew was the present.
"Maybe if I’d been a better son..." he started, "I obviously let her down in some way for her to do such awful things to me. I was a disappointment to her and now..." his voice trailed off.
"You did nothing."
"I pushed her away, Rach. She kept coming back saying she’d changed and then would do the same things over. I finally snapped and told her to stay out of my life completely. I shut her out and put a restraining order against her and changed my damned number so rid of all the ways she could contact me. I made a mistake and I can never say I’m sorry now." he hung his head low, "This is my way of making things okay between us again. It’s the best I can do now."
The two stood in silence as the warm sun poured down upon them. A light breeze blew. Rachel took a step towards Nick, tucking her hand in to his, squeezing it lightly for support. She got the feeling that this was the first time he’d come in the two weeks since the woman’s passing. Knowing better then to ask though, she just let the man grieve in his own way. It was only a few more seconds before Nick abruptly pulled away.
"Lets get out of here." he stated out of nowhere.
"Whenever you’re ready." Rachel told him softly.
Nick hesitated, sticking his hand in to his pocket. He fingered what was inside nervously as he remembered suddenly the main purpose. Pulling his car keys out of his other pocket, Nick handed them to Rachel.
‘Why don’t you go get the car started. I’ll be up in a minute."
Rachel looked at Nick strangely before grabbing the keys from his hand, kissing him quickly and retreating to the car. It was only when she was a good distance away that Nick pulled a small box out of the pocket. He opened it, looking at the small, silver ring that he’d bought with five tiny stones. Each stone was the birth stone of Nick and the other children of Jane. Nick looked at it for another moment before kneeling down, setting the small box at the base of the tomb.
"Happy Mothers Day, Mom." he said softly, "I...I love you."
Staying kneeled down for another few moments, Nick payed his last respects finally before getting up and meeting Rachel at the car feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders and better than he had in a long time about the sour relationship he and the woman had always had. That was all the petty past though. He’d made his amends in the only way he could. He could let go of the guilt and just maybe, everything would be okay.