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Author's Chapter Notes:
So its been awhile...but here is Chapter 2! Again, let me know what ya think! 3 is about half way done...so once it is done, Ill post!
Chapter Two- Craig

I was freaking out. Honest to God freaking out. Its been thirteen hours since I visited Kendra. I’m having a hard time grasping the fact that my girlfriend has cancer. Even more so, I could hardly stand to look at her sitting in that damned bed looking so weak, so helpless. So I bolted. I came up with the lame excuse of having to work hours earlier that I actually did, and then like a coward, went straight home after my shift instead of back to the hospital to visit and to see how she was doing. The truth is, I’m scared. It doesn’t help that hospitals have always creeped the hell out of me either.

It is now past one in the morning, and as I drive around aimlessly, I have no idea where I am going. I couldn’t sleep though, nor could I sit in my dorm room cooped up, feeling like a caged animal. I needed out to get fresh air. Driving has always been my escape with things got rough. It makes me feel so free with the windows rolled down and the music blaring Three Days Grace with the wind blowing all around me. I observe that there is hardly any traffic out, making going a comfortable speed no problem without slow dipshits getting in my way. But despite there being absolutely nobody else on the road, I still somehow managed to hit a red light that refused to turn green.

“Are you fucking kidding me!” I screamed in to the night after five minutes, blasting my car horn for a good seven seconds. As if I were being humored, it turned on instinct at my rage, “Thank you!” I spat with hint of sarcasm dripping from my voice.

Yes, I was in a sour mood, and to top it off, I noticed that I had tears in the corner of my eyes. I was crying, like some kind of pussy with one of the wet drops running down the length of my cheek. I roughly wiped them away from my eyes, but it was useless because fresh ones kept on popping up. I didn’t want to show this emotional side of myself. I wanted to keep on being tough on the outside without letting any emotion show. My sensitivity, the sensitivity that most of the world had no clue even existed, was showing full force. There was no way of preventing it either. I guess if I was going to cry, finding out Kendra has Osteosarcoma was the time to do it. It seemed proper enough, right?

The next song to come on to the radio was a song by AFI. Kendra had always loved them. They were her favorite group. She wanted to...

I stopped myself from continuing thinking the next thing because here I was going on in past tense as if the cancer had already won and Kendra was already gone. She was still around and alive and at just the beginning of her fight. Her chances were good. Right? The only reason I was second guessing myself was because I didn’t know the statistics. I didn’t know if she had a one percent chance of survival, or if it was one hundred percent. At this point, to me, the glass was half empty.


I love Kendra. Don’t get me wrong. She is my everything, but I can’t look in her eyes like I used to. I am unsure of how to act around her. I know, I know...act like I always have, right? That’s easier said than done when your girlfriend is fucking possibly dying. I’d had images of our wedding night in my head, our honeymoon. Growing old together. All of that comes after a proposal, which I’d had every intention on doing. Soon. As in, on our two years together, which was coming up very soon. I have the ring ready and everything. The thing is, I don’t know if I can actually carry through with the proposal. Yes, it would thrill her to death, but how can I ask a girl to marry me if I am unsure of if it will ever happen...because Kendra will be seeing her funeral before there is even a wedding?

“I sound so damned selfish!” I exclaimed aloud, my tears still falling freely around my face.

As much as I wanted to say that the reason I didn’t want to propose was because I didn’t want to get her hopes up on something, in reality, I had to admit the truth to myself. The main reason was because I didn’t want to get mine up only to be hurt if she didn’t make it. Not only would I be losing my girlfriend, but I would be losing my fiancé as well. The only persons feelings I was thinking of when it came to asking Kendra to be my wife were my own. If I was thinking of her feelings at all, just knowing how elated she would be by it would be enough for me to carry through and ask. That obviously wasn’t enough though. I was a dick.

Without realizing it, I ended up at the local Metropolitan Park. It was long passed closed, but here I was on the inside as if I’d bypassed the gates closing it off. Or were there no gates drawn closed to begin with on this particular night? I had no idea. It wasn’t as if any of it mattered. As I drove over to where the overlook was, I put my car in park and got out, peering out in to the dark sky as the drop off below me fell several hundred feet in to a gorgeous valley that in the daylight, would take ones breath away.

I knew that I should go and see Kendra, but I didn’t Instead, I stayed where I was contemplating on whether or not I was going to visit her in the next few days. I knew she needed me, but I wasn’t sure what I needed...or wanted anymore. Today had changed absolutely everything and I wasn’t sure love was enough to make everything okay or make me stay. I had a lot of thinking to do, but not much time to actually do it.

~*~*~*~

As I sat in the middle of my anatomy class, I couldn’t make myself concentrate. The night before, I’d gotten next to no sleep at all, finding myself waking up next to my car in the middle of the park. How it had happened was beyond me. All I remember was waking up to a park ranger clearing his throat to get my attention, and when I’d opened my eyes, bright sunlight had been pouring over my, the man dressed in a hunter green standing above me in a blur. I sat up, quickly getting to my feet. He’d asked what I was doing, and I explained that I must’ve fallen asleep, apologizing. Then everything came back to me. And I started crying again. Damn, I am a pansy. And as the tears fell, I got back in to my truck, driving off with a very puzzled man watching me go.

And here I was in a class that I absolutely had to pass in order to keep my spot in my major. Ironic, how I was in a medical field, wanting to help people, to be there for them…but I couldn’t even be there for my girlfriend. God is cruel sometimes. Back on track though, I was struggling with the class as it was, and here I was with my mind wondering back and forth with what I was going to do. I didn’t even care about the class at this moment, and when my professor called on me to answer a question, I stared at her blankly, pausing for a moment too long. She gave me a disappointed look and moved on to somebody else, who answered with ease.

I knew that I thought, shaking my head in disgust with myself as a few chuckles surrounded me by class mates likely thinking of what a dumb-ass I was.

I needed to concentrate. No, I needed Kendra to get better. I needed life to get back to normal, but I had a feeling that normalcy wouldn’t exactly be a word in my dictionary for the next few months, possibly years. I wondered if Kendra had started her chemo yet, as it was scheduled for this morning. I wondered how she was doing, knowing I should have called her to wish her luck. That probably would have made all the difference in the world, but of course, I’d been selfish and decided against it because I didn’t want to tear up again hearing her weak, sad voice. As if on cue, God started to be mean again and my throat clogged up, a lump forming. I shut my eyes, squeezing them for a few seconds as I swallowed. I could feel wetness starting to creep its way in to my eyes and I bowed my head, putting my hand up to shield my face.

“Are you okay, Graig?” Professor Hicks asked, stopping class. All eyes were on me. I could feel it.

“Um, yeah…fine.” I answered, still not looking up, “Just a headache,” I took in a deep breath, realizing that I needed to get out before I lost my cool completely, my emotions breaking down, “Could I please be excused…” I stopped the second I realized that my voice was cracking.

Giving me a stern look, Professor Hicks just replied with, “I’m not keeping you. It’s your waste of education.”

I sighed, picking up my backpack and walking quickly through the rows of desks and chairs and out the door, ducking my head low as I made my way out of the room, down the hall. I was pretty sure I’d mumbled the world ‘bitch’ on my way out, but wasn’t positive. If only she knew what I was going through, then maybe she wouldn’t be calling me a waste of space in her classroom. Sure, she hadn’t outright said it, but I knew this woman. I knew what she was insinuating.

So here I was, free from class, deciding to skip the rest of the day. As I walked to the parking garage and got in to my car, gut feeling told me that I should visit my girlfriend in the hospital and cheer her up. Possibly wait in her room for her while she was undergoing chemo, surprising her when she came back up sicker than hell. Instead, I drove in the complete opposite direction. I didn’t know where I was going, but I decided I would once I got there. The words ‘coward’ kept running through my mind, knowing that Kendra was so brave and courageous going through what she was, and all alone yet…because of my wimpy ass. I wasn’t even man enough to have her in my life. I knew everything was my fault, yet in my mind, I kept trying to convince myself otherwise. Maybe, just maybe, if I told myself enough times that her cancer wasn’t what was making me change my mind about our relationship, I would start to believe it myself.