Chapter 5- Craig

10 Days Later

As I neared Kendra’s hospital room, I kept going over and over in my head what I was going to say to her. It had been nearly two weeks since she’d been admitted in to the hospital and I was just now going to visit again. I knew no words would or could ever express what I wanted to say, nor was there any excuse for my actions. I just had to apologize and hope for the best to happen. I knew that she wouldn’t be happy though. After all, I’d promised her nothing would change and after that, I’d called her all of once and had avoided her all together. Nothing would change, my ass. Everything had, and I was well aware that it was my fault. I was stepping up to the plate now though, ready to right what I did wrong. I was nervous, sure, as my shaky step made this obvious. I missed Ken though.

“Well, here goes nothing.” I mumbled, standing outside of her doorway for just a second before entering, forcing a bright smile on my face even though I was shaking on the inside, “Hey baby!.”

The second I saw Kendra though, I know I must have paled immensely. In just ten days, she’d managed to go from radiantly beautiful to looking downright sick and sullen. Her skin was an ashen color, eyes sunken in with the color of coal circling them. It looked as if she’d lost about twenty pounds, her skin hanging off of her bones, small clumps of her honey blonde hair missing from where the chemotherapy she’d undergone had made it only start fall out. She looked tired. I knew that this was just the beginning and that her looks, her demeanor, her attitude, would fade away even more. My breath caught in my throat, and I became even more speechless when I saw the frosty glare she was managing to shoot me despite everything.

“Hello, Craig.”

“How um….how are you?”

Kendra shrugged, and I slowly, cautiously took small advances towards her. She did not look happy with me in the least bit. Not that I blamed her. Still though, I’d conjured the courage to come. I hoped that she could find it in her heart to understand and forgive me…in time.

“Are you feeling okay?” I took a few more steps forward, finding myself inches from Kendra, who had anger in her eyes and a disapproving scowl on her face. All of it was hiding the hurt in which I was sure that I was the one to cause.

“Yeah, I’m feeling fine. I should be asking you the same question though. Are you alright? I mean…its been while.”

I could feel my cheeks flaming up in humiliation, knowing that Kendra had caught me in my guilt. She knew damned well that nothing had happened to me. She was waiting for me to say aloud that other things had been more important than her. That wasn’t the case though, but to her, I knew it seemed that way. I laughed nervously.

“Everything’s alright…” I muttered nervously, “Class, work…the usual.”

There was another long, awkward silence. When Kendra had been well, we never had these silences, and if there was one, well…it was because we were staring in to each others eyes, speaking without words. Now, I was avoiding her gaze and she was avoiding mine.

“So, have you made any friends here?” I asked lamely, just to break the tension that surrounded.

‘It’s the hospital…not a college campus, Craig.”

I winced at her frosty tone. But then she spoke again, and I could tell that she was casually trying to make me jealous.

“There’s only one person my age. A guy…Anthony. He seems pretty cool. We’ve talked a couple of times.”

‘That’s great.” I replied, although I couldn’t keep the dry drip out of my tone, “I’m glad you have somebody to keep you company.”

Kendra only shrugged and I was beginning to feel caged in and claustrophobic, with an intense need to escape. I was uncomfortable, feeling like a jerk for acting this way, but she didn’t want me there and to be honest, I didn’t want to be there.

‘Same here…it’s lonely in here.”

It was quiet again and I adverted my gaze away, because looking at her hurt too much. Her beauty was hidden beneath the thickening layers of scars that would leave her only beautiful on the inside for many months. I tried to stand there for a little longer, but nothing came to my mind that would be a good conversation. So instead of even attempting to try, I tensed and decided to bolt like a damned coward.

“I have to work in half an hour, so I better be going.”

“Sure,” was Kendra’s response, “Have fun.”

She knew I was lying and I didn’t try to convince her otherwise. So with a small wave, I backed up a few steps before turning and walking quickly out of her room without even giving her a kiss or a small hug. My heart broke when I heard a soft sniffle as I exited, but it wasn’t enough to make me turn back because I too, had tears in my eyes. The sad thing was, the tears were for all the wrong reasons, and even I was man enough to admit that right off without trying to convince myself otherwise this time.

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By the time I reached home, the damp tears were no longer falling freely from my eyes, however now there were a worse kind, a dry tear, lingering in their ghostly presence. I hated it, but I didn’t do anything to stop it either. It killed me on the inside to see how sick Kendra had gotten. I mean, down right tore me up. All I kept thinking was that she looked so close to death. I couldn’t lose Kendra to that. I wasn’t the type that just sat around and watched things happen. Especially things that were beyond my control, and sitting there watching Kendra slowly succumb to a painful, slow death was not me.

“I can’t do this…” I found myself muttering as I sank into the soft leather sofa, burying my head into my hands in the utmost grief, “I just can’t…”

I knew I was giving up, walking away from this amazing woman who’d done nothing wrong. It wasn’t as if she’d chosen to get sick. She’d just been dealt a shitty hand of cards. Here I was, cowering away though like a puppy with his tail between his legs, despite knowing this. She deserved better than this. She deserved better than me. But still, I didn’t want somebody else to end up with my Kendra. Knowing that I was nothing more than a selfish prick still didn’t change my mindset. I couldn’t deal with Kendra’s illness, however I didn’t want anybody else to have her that could. So one question kept beating on my brain, torturing me right down to my core, and I knew it wouldn’t leave until I had answered it.

Do I end things?

Do I not end things?

Do I end things?

Do I not end things?

It kept hammering away, like a CD on skip mode, going over and over again like a nagging force. Just over and over again, driving me absolutely insane. I loved this woman, really I did. Was it enough though? Was my fear of losing her more important than her fear of losing everything? It was time I started weighing everything out. The good and the bad with each road I could choose to take.

If I left Kendra, it would be selfish and hurtful. Everything between us had been perfect before her getting cancer. I was the only one stopping it from being perfect now. There was just one huge barrier standing in the way of that, which was my guilt and the coward in me. Once again, I was the only one who could change that. I couldn’t bear to see her face, or rather picture her face if I decided to tell her that there would be no more ‘us’. It would shatter her soul, and her hope. She needed me. And could I really live with myself for doing that to her?

However if I stayed, I would be the one in constant emotional turmoil. There would be constant fear in my gut, making me sick. Expecting to be able to function would be out of the question. My school work and production at work would falter. Risking that would be too much. However the payoff would be getting to see Kendra’s smile again, and well, possibly seeing her get well and then everything really could get back to normal. Then there was the big IF of her not getting well. What if she continued to get worse. Then I would be left to deal with the pain of losing someone, not to mention the aftermath of it all. Wouldn’t it be easier if I let he go now and not have to deal with it later? I mean, I still had a full life ahead of me. A full healthy life.

I weighed out the pros and cons, and in the end I knew which decision I was going to make. Kendra deserved so much better than me. Somebody strong, and willing to work with her instead of against her. I’d chosen to break off all ties I’d had with her. The sad thing was, I didn’t even plan on telling her, because that would be too hard. Instead, I would just let her sit there alone, wondering where I was until she figured out that I wouldn’t be back. She was a smart girl, therefore, she probably already knew. For some reason, that just made everything even harder.