Chapter Six-Kendra

    Sick. That’s how I felt the majority of my days. And unlike what Anthony had promised, it wasn’t getting better. The feeling was getting worse, like some sort of plague. My ailing health and disposition had much to be desired. It had been just under three weeks since my admission and I was beginning to think that there really was no light at the end of this infinite, dark tunnel. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I was losing hope, however, my attitude wasn’t as positive as it probably should have been. It was somewhere stuck in the middle, adrift, just waiting to decide which way to turn.

   I somewhat blamed my confidence, or lack there of, on Anthony. Just the look he’d given me when I told him of my disease frightened me. It scared me so much in fact, that I’d decided to do some research on it. What I had found scared me even more. Now I knew it wasn’t truly his fault, but I felt I was better off being in the dark. At least if I was naïve about the situation I was in, I could continue on being blissfully ignorant and unaware of how much expectation I should have on my prognosis.

    Osteosarcoma certainly is a deadly cancer. Anthony had been right when he’d told me it was a nasty disease to have. First of all, the pain I’d been feeling in my knee over the past months had in fact been the cancer all along. As for the chemotherapy? Well, it turns out that they use that as a method to kill cancer cells that have spread in this instance. Spread. I was worse off than I had thought. My only question was, where had it spread to? The article I’d dug up stated that it could be the lungs, or other bones. As much as I hated to admit it, I hoped that it was to my lungs. It seemed the most promising of being killed off. If it hadn’t spread, I still only had a sixty to eighty chance of survival. Since it seemed that it had though, I wondered what my chances were. It hadn’t said, making me think the worst in the back of my mind.

    Then there was the startling truth about my knee, the original site of where the tumors had formed. If the chemo didn’t work, part of my leg would have to be amputated. Then if it couldn’t get any worse from there, more chemo would be coming my way to kill any remaining cancer that still lingered in my body. This would also reduce the risk of it returning again. I laughed bitterly to myself. After all of that, there was still a chance that it would return.

    The word that stuck out in my mind the most though was amputation. The word sounded foreign to my mind and even more so to my lips when I finally conjured up enough courage to whispered it aloud. I couldn’t imagine losing a part of me. Having it taken away as if it were useless and unimportant. It was very significant to me though. With a missing leg, I might as well kiss my gymnastics career goodbye. I wasn’t ready to give up on that yet. It would be over in the blink of an eye though if I wanted any chance at living. The thing was though, without gymnastics in my life, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to continue living. Sure, it sounded stupid, petty and even immature. Gymnastics was something that had been a part of me since I was a small child though. To me, it would be the same as taking away an artists hands, or a singers voice. After losing something that was so much a part of who you were, it was like being nothing left but a hollow shell, a shadow of what you once were. I didn’t want to be just a shadow. I didn’t want to be invisible because of losing the one true thing that made me who I am. The one thing that made people notice me.

    I must say, the only thing that kept me sane in this prison was Anthony. We saw each other frequently, able to talk more days than not. He was sweet, charming, caring, and handsome. It’s not an exaggeration to say that he is every girl’s fantasy. When I felt down, he was there for me as a shoulder to cry on and a soul to spill my feelings and fears to. In return, I was there for him. My stomach did flips whenever he was around, and the mere thought of Anthony put butterflies in my stomach, and a warm smile would spread across my face. My feelings for him continued to get stronger, a definite crush in the making. There was just one thing stopping me from pursing anything with him. Well, two things.

    Cancer, and…

     Craig.

    The first, the cancer, although it wasn’t enough to drive Anthony away, it just couldn’t work between us. Two people in a relationship who are sick and with no definite future would just be too much. Even with one person, it added quite a bit of stress I would imagine. We would make quite the pair, and although we probably would make a good match, and not run when times got tough because he too knew what it was like, just too many things were standing in the way of that. Which lead me to the next realization on why we couldn’t work.

    Craig. My boyfriend. Although he had been bad about contacting me, and even worse about visiting, I still loved him more and more with every single breath that consumed my lungs. That didn’t mean that I wasn’t extremely displeased with his actions. I was furious with him, and when he finally did come to talk to me, I would be having a nice little chat with him about loyalty. Nonetheless though, I loved Craig. I was determined to stay devoted to him. Anthony would just have to be a friend, even though he’d shown me more about love and friendship in three weeks than Craig had in two years.

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    I had just been in the middle of settling into a movie that was on the TV when I heard a knock on the door. I looked up to see Anthony standing there, as his hand gripped his IV cart. A nurse stood next to him. I wondered why she was there, and fear gripped my stomach because the first thought that came to me was that something was terribly wrong. Despite my worry though, I put a bright smile on my face.

    “Hey!” I greeted.

    “Hi,” was Anthony’s shy reply, “Was wondering if you were up for some company?”

    I let out a sigh of relief. I didn’t know if it could be heard, but I was thankful that they weren’t there to deliver any form of bad news. Call me paranoid, but it was a hospital. Nothing good can come of that. I’m sure the nurse was simply there to make sure that I wanted the visit. Neither of them would ever know just how much I wanted it.

    “Of course. You’re always welcome.”

    Anthony smiled a little as he started into my room slowly, pulling the IV cart behind him. He appeared so thin and fragile, as if a simple blow of the wind would knock him over and break him into pieces. Then again, I knew that I didn’t look much better. Rather than dwelling on these trivial things though, I laughed as he told the nurse she was free to go, with an irritation in his voice.

    “Keep your visit limited.” She instructed, pausing for only a second before turning and scurrying away to take care of her other patients.

    Anthony rolled his eyes. Those gorgeous, bright blues eyes that could drown you if you stared too deeply into them for a prolonged lapse of time. At the same time, something about them was mysterious, as if they held a secret for you alone, however you had to figure out for yourself just what it was. More yet though, was the fact that I’d found that if I stared into them long enough, not allowing myself to get lost, that I could read right into his soul. All of this from just a pair of eyes.  Without a word being spoken.

    “So…how’ve you been?” Anthony asked after another few awkward moments of silence, which I assumed was because he’d been waiting for the nurse to get out of hearing range.

    “I guess I’m okay.” I smiled, hiding the sadness in my voice, and hopefully my eyes as well, not wanting to get into my relationship drama, although it was all that consumed my mind.

    “Are you?”

    I had to hide a blush, for Anthony was reading right through my lie. I shrugged meekly, watching as he took a seat in a vacant chair near my bedside, “I mean, I could be better, but at least I’m alive, right?” Anthony nodded, “How are you doing?”

    “I’m good. I just cant wait to get out of here and get back to my life.”

    I smiled, realizing that through all of our small talk over the past couple of weeks, I really didn’t know any of the real details of Anthony’s life. I nibbled on the corner of my bottom lip, contemplating on whether or not I should ask. Sure, we’d become friends, but was asking about his personal life going too far when he hadn’t even offered the information willingly?

    “I am an assistant coach for a semi-pro soccer team,” Anthony presented to me, as if reading my mind, “If I am gone too long, I’ll be replaced.” He sighed sadly, “I can’t lose that job…we’re a family. Those guys…they’re like my brothers.”

    I gave Anthony a sympathetic smile. What could I possibly say to that? They were a team, while in my competitive sport, that’s exactly what it was…competitive. I was taught to hate the rivals. There was no real team, no sisterhood. It was simply me against everybody else. We had to look out for ourselves and ourselves alone with no questions asked. Helping out the enemy could cost us our own success.

    “I’m sure everything will turn out fine.” I offered, although both of us knew it was false encouragement.

    “Yeah…it did once. Why not again?”

    “Right…why not again.” I agreed with confidence.

    I felt as if Anthony were about to reply, but was interrupted by the screeching sounds of two females entering the room. I looked up to see my two best friends, Addie and Lauren. A warm smile spread across my lips. They’d called several times, but hadn’t been able to get out here until now due to living over a thousand miles away. While I had chosen to stay in Ohio to continue my Olympic dream, they had gone off to Florida to pursue college careers. Being only three weeks from the end of a semester had made it difficult to come up sooner. I understood this, so how could I hold a grudge?

    “Oh my god…what are you doing here?” I asked, hugging each of them individually, “You never said you would be visiting?”

    “We wanted to surprise you.” Addie beamed, “Thought you could use some company.”

    By now, I had tears in my eyes. Never in a thousand years did I ever expect these girls to drop their lives to come up here because of me. It just proved how great they truly were. Twelve-hundred miles away, and they still could manage to make time for me, while Craig lived ten minutes away and couldn’t. Define irony.

    “You guys are the best.” I sniffled, “How long are you staying for?”

    “We’ve got hotel reservations through the month…so two and a half weeks.”

    “What are you going to do here for two and a half weeks?” I asked, shocked at this. Ohio wasn’t exactly known for its tourist attractions.

    Lauren shrugged, “We’ll find something to get into. Of course, we’ll be here daily.”

    I smiled, “Well, while you’re here now, there is somebody I would like you to meet.” I realized I’d left Anthony standing there likely feeling pretty excluded.

    “Yeah?” Addie smiled.

    “Yeah…he’s really great.”

    I turned, excited to introduce my two girlfriends to my new companion. When I looked to the chair in which he’d been sitting in though, he was already gone.