Everything in my life seems so empty, so desolate. I wish I could explain without sounding like I am ready to slit my wrists. I would never do something like that, ever. But still, in my darkest moments, when I feel like I have no one to turn to, I go to that place. The corner of myself that hides all of those feelings.
It’s kind of like wearing a porcelain mask, you know what I mean?
I go into a dark room, away from everyone. I can hear my family laughing and talking in the background and there in front of me are a bunch of masks. I go from one to the other, never quite knowing which one to put on. It seems like there’s one for every emotion under the sun.
- A warm, friendly smile for days when I just decide to go with the flow and act like all is right with the world.
- One with a big toothy grin, for days that I just want to be ridiculous and act my age.
- One for anger
- One for loneliness
- One for jealousy
- One for despair
So many masks I am overwhelmed by the sight of them all.
Because everyone in my family is in such a jovial mood I reach for the one that shows the face of a happy and content person. That’s who they would want me to be tonight, so that’s who I will be.
As the music plays in the background of my mind, always some bittersweet lullaby sounding song, I picture myself standing there in front of a mirror with that porcelain mask in my hand. I don’t really want to put it on.
Part of me just wants to go out just the way I am. Show the world who I was meant to be, not what other people want me to be.
The only problem with that is there’s nothing there at all.
My life has been reduced to a clean, blank slate.
So, I put on my happy little face and hope that tonight isn’t the night that it falls off and breaks into a million pieces.
Partly because of the embarrassment it would cause my family and friends and fans etc…
But mostly because I’m afraid that once it falls off, everyone will just step right over it and go on with their lives.
Leaving me to pick up the pieces all alone…
