Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just disappeared, you know like walk out the door and just keep going, never looking back. It would be hard, I know. There are always too many people surrounding me for that to happen but don’t think for a second I haven’t planned it out. Sometimes when I’m waiting for an interview or a photo shoot it’s all I think about. Starting over, starting new and fresh as anyone but me. I wish I could make people understand that. They think I’m the luckiest person on the planet. I have everything I could ever ask for. Wealth, fame, a big family, how could I possibly want something more?
What people tend to forget is that I’m just a human being like everyone else. When anyone else feels trapped by their situations it’s accepted as the norm. Hell people even pity and feel sorry for you because of what you are going through. When someone like me feels like that, there’s no sympathy at all. Because I’m famous I’m not entitled to have a private life. I’m not entitled to have solitude and I’m not entitled to be unhappy.
Being unhappy when you are rich and famous is just wrong.
People are stupid!
I reached the top of the stairs and stopped for a second. I wasn’t sure where AJ and Kevin were and I was too out of breath to yell to them. Yeah I know I need to get in shape. I did run up the steps though, if that makes me sound better. A few seconds later I heard them talking quietly in Belle’s room. I was just about to walk in when I heard my name. They were talking about me.
“You worry too much Kevin, the kid will be fine.”
“I don’t know AJ, I mean…he’s just not himself. Ever since he got here he’s been moody and sad and now with this Belle thing, I’m not sure it’s a good idea for him to be involved in this. I mean he looks at this girl and her family and he sees himself.”
He’s been through a lot Kev.”
“I know he has, I just worry that’s all. I thought bringing him here would take his mind off things, but I think I just managed to make things worse.” Kevin made me sound like I was some pathetic charity case or something.
“So, the only reason you invited me was because you feel sorry for me?” I didn't want to do that, believe me. I just wanted to swallow the anger and pretend I didn’t hear a word, but sometimes my brain and my mouth disagree.
Both of them looked over at me, like two deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. “Nick it’s not like that.” Kevin was quick to say.
“Oh, I think it’s exactly like that. You know Kevin I was so flattered when you asked me to come out, now that I know you probably would have never asked unless I wasn’t so pathetic, it kind of kills it for me.” I turned and stormed out of the room and back down the steps.
I wanted to leave but of course we all took one car. Screw them, I’ll just take Kevin’s damn car and go back to the airport and go home. I’m sure I could get Bean or Chris to come pick me up. Hell if I get an early enough flight we’d probably have time to go party. “Nick!” I rolled my eyes but kept walking towards the front door. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could so this way he could spend more time with the person he actually WANTED to invite over in the first place, not just the person he felt he needed to invite. “Stop being a drama queen for a minute please!” I stopped and turned around, crossing my arms defensively in front of me.
“What?”
“I don’t understand why you’re so mad.” He said, sounding as calm as a cucumber. Where the hell did that expression even come from? It makes no sense whatsoever. Have you ever met an anxious cucumber, or a cucumber that showed any emotion whatsoever?
“Fucking cucumbers.” Well, that’s all I could think of to say.
He gave me one of his squinty looks and then decided to ignore the cucumber remark. I’m sure he’ll bring it up at some random time when he feels the need to humiliate me. “Of course I want you to be here Nick. I would not have invited you if I didn’t want you here. Why would you even think that?”
“Dude, because I just heard you say that!”
“I said NO such thing! If you listen when people are talking to you, you might know that.”
“You weren’t talking TO me Kevin you were talking ABOUT me to someone else! There’s a difference.”
“Doesn’t matter, the point is…I didn’t say that at all! I said I was worried about you.”
“Yeah and that you were sorry you invited me.”
“No! You are so bull headed!” He was getting mad.
AJ came trotting down the steps, I guess when our voices escalated he felt it was time to step in. “Guys, stop fighting.” Yeah and I should mention he sucks at that.
“I heard what I heard Kevin.”
“No, you heard what you WANTED to hear Nickolas.”
“I’m so sure I ‘wanted’ to hear you say I wasn’t wanted here.”
“I think that’s exactly what you wanted to hear. I mean otherwise how else would you feel sorry for yourself?”
“Fuck you, I’m out of here!” I turned to leave again. I didn’t need this!
“Go ahead and leave, God forbid you stay and confront your feelings. Talk out the situation. No, it’s much better to leave and maybe punch something on the way out, maybe cuss at a flight attendant as your getting drunk.”
I had my hand on the door, just about ready to walk out and slam it shut, but I found myself smiling at his last comment. Don’t get me wrong, I was mad as hell but the thing is, he knew me so well that despite the fact I wanted to turn around and punch him in his bushy browed face, I turned around and replied, “I wouldn’t have cussed at her if she was hot.”
He looked at me and smiled. “Why are you doing this? Huh? You know I want you here.”
In that moment I realized he was right. I had no idea why I jumped the gun like that. Maybe it was easier being mad at the world instead of having to face it. Truth was, even though to them it may have seemed like coming here was a mistake, to me it was a blessing. When I’m down in the dumps like I am now, being around these guys is sometimes the only thing that gets me through. I don’t know what I’d do or be without them.
“I don’t know.” My voice cracked slightly, damn! I hated when I did this. “Sometimes I just get a little paranoid.” I finally allowed myself to say once getting a hold of my emotions.
“I didn’t mean to talk about you behind your back kiddo, really.” Kevin said as he walked over and placed his arm around my shoulder, escorting me back towards the living room where I sat down on one of the couches and he sat next to me.
“Me too buddy, besides when I think you’re being a dink I usually tell you to your face.” AJ added, sitting down on the coffee table to face us.
Now I was feeling thoroughly embarrassed, even with them. This part was always the worst. It was so much easier when I was a kid. I would cry and get away with it. Now that I’m much older I actually have to take responsibility for my actions. Growing up sucks ass!
“I am just so tired of getting people to like me. I feel like everyone is against me. Even you guys sometimes.” I admitted to them.
“You can’t let the tabloids get to you…”
I put up my hand to interrupt AJ, “It’s not just them, it’s everybody.”
They both just nodded at me, choosing not to say anything. I guess they both realized that they had no clue how I felt. I hated when people pretended to understand. Nothing was worse than someone saying ‘oh I known how you feel’ when clearly they didn’t.
“That’s why I think maybe this whole Wainright thing is not good for you.” Kevin said as he leaned back on the couch and crossed one leg over the other. “You feel like it hits too close to home, that’s all I was saying up there.” He pointed to the steps I guess so I wouldn’t think he was referring to an outer body experience of some kind. Yes even in times like this I could be a smartass. It’s what I do best.
“I think it’s a good thing for me. Ever since I found Belle, I’ve felt like maybe there’s someone else who feels the same way as I do.”
“What are we, chopped liver?” AJ asked, raising his eyebrow at me.
“You know what I mean. Sure you guys understand the famous part but not the fucked up family part.” I made sure to look over at AJ as I continued because he was about to interrupt or disagree with me, “and I mean not having a mom OR a dad to turn to.” Whatever AJ was about to say lost its relevance, so he stopped.
“But you don’t know if she did either.” Kevin said and he did have a point.
“Yeah, but I don’t know, I just feel this weird connection to her. I wish I could explain it. It probably makes no sense but for some reason I just really need to know how her story ends. What happened in this house? What’s the deal with Tommy and why the police are so interested in what’s going on here?” Saying all of that made me remember why I ran up the stairs in the first place. I took the key out of my pocket, “I found this in your fireplace Kevin.” I said as I handed it to him.
He grabbed the key from me and looked it over carefully. “It’s a key.” AJ exclaimed.
“It is? Wow…thanks for telling me AJ.” Kevin answered shaking his head. “Otherwise I might have thought it was a piece of chocolate and ate it or something.”
“What do you think it’s a key for?” I asked smirking when AJ gave Kevin the finger.
“It’s too small to fit any door in here. You said it was in the fireplace? Now why on earth would it be in there?” Kevin said, ignoring AJ and his vulgar gestures.
“I don’t know.” I answered.
“Wouldn’t it melt if someone lit a fire in there?” AJ asked as he held his hand out to examine the key for himself.
“I think so…unless they never used it.” Kevin answered, dropping the key into AJ’s hands.
“I think it belongs to a diary, it’s too small to fit into anything else.” I added.
Kevin stood up and walked over to the fireplace. “If they didn’t use it,” He said as he squatted down to take a closer look, “Maybe she hid the diary in here.”
The man was a genius. I didn’t even think to really look inside the fireplace but it made perfect sense. AJ and I both walked over and watched him search inside the hearth. “Do you see anything?” AJ asked looking at me and shrugging.
“Nope.” He said as he came out. His shoulders were now black as was his hair. “There’s nothing inside.”
“I bet whatever this key opens is what the police are looking for.” I said out loud.
“Could be…” Kevin stood up and walked over to the window looking out towards his backyard. “If we are going to put some things out for them, we should really do it now before it gets too dark.”
“What kind of things are we going to put out there?” I asked as our previous conversation and argument seemed to dissipate into the air. This Wainright thing seemed to be a great distraction all around and not just to me.
“I’m thinking books, see if you can find anything journal like lying around and we’ll start with that.”
“Let’s start with the attic.” Kevin said.
“I’m going to look in that secret room. That’s where they were when they broke in.”
“Good idea Nick.”
“You do that and I’ll look in the attic, AJ why don’t you take the basement.”
“Pardon me?”
“The basement, go and see if you can find anything we can use.”
“Yeah, I heard you…the pardon me was a nicer way of saying are you fucking kidding me?”
“Why?”
“Kevin, I’m not going down to your creepy ass basement with weird creepy ass small doors that only like gnomes or tiny little demons can fit into. I mean, are you kidding me?”
“Fine, than you take the attic and I’ll check the basement.” Kevin said shaking his head.
“I’m not a big fan of attics either.”
“AJ, stop being a chicken shit we are running out of time!” I loved the fact that Kevin was acting like me.
“I AM a chicken shit and proud of it! I don’t even shower in my house unless the doors are pretty much bolted shut.”
“I’m not asking you to shower.”
“And that’s good because if you were I’d be worried dude.”
“Will you be able to handle looking in here then? Or is the living room too scary for you too?” Kevin asked trying to purposely make his voice sickly over the top sweet and comforting just to be an asshole. God, I love Kevin!
“Well…it’s kind of creepy in here too.”
“AJ!”
“Okay fine, I’ll check in here. What are you laughing at Carter?” AJ asked when I could no longer hide how amused I was by all this.
“Nothing.”
“It better be nothing or I’ll kick your butt boy!”
“Sure you will…” I smirked at him “As long as I’m not a gnome or what did you say? Tiny little demon?”
“Shut up!” AJ pouted.
“What about a fucking cucumber?” I KNEW Kevin was going to bring that up eventually. Of course when I looked over at him he had that ‘don’t think I forgot about your randomness Carter’ face on. Yes he does reserve a face just for me and my random moments.
I glanced over at Kevin and frowned. “At least I’m not afraid of them.” I mumbled under my breath.
“I know I probably shouldn’t have to say this but considering how this week has been going I better, just be careful, okay?”
I nodded at him, “I will be.”
“Yeah me too and if something kills me I’m going to haunt both of your asses for all of eternity!” We both laughed at AJ as we made our way up the steps. Kevin decided to leave the basement for now. Truthfully I think he might have been a little scared of the small door as well.
I headed for the secret room, but Kevin’s hand on my arm stopped me. “I just wanted to remind you that you’re not alone. I know you feel like whatever you’re going through, you’re doing it alone but that’s not the case.”
I smiled at him, “Thanks Kevin.”
“I mean it and when you think you’re ready to talk about things, my door is always open.”
“I know.” I said sadly, because he just reminded me that he was most likely walking out of the door forever. “Same goes for you.” I said.
“Be careful.” He said once again as he made his way out back into the hallway.
“You too!” I said as I opened the closet door and walked up the secret steps.
