My soul felt like it had exploded. That’s about the only way to describe my feelings as I sat in the back seat of Kevin’s car. I’m not sure when I started feeling this empty and alone. I’m pretty sure I have felt like this my entire life, but it’s those times when I stop life for a moment to take a deep breath, that I am hit with all of these feelings.
And that’s what it feels like…as if my soul suddenly decided to explode. I get all hot and my fingers get tingly. Almost as if the sadness is slowly creeping through my entire body.
“You okay?” I hate when they ask me that. It seems to happen more now than ever.
“I’m good…just thinking.”
“About what?”
“Just stuff…”
“You’re just being kind of quiet back there. I almost forgot you were there.” I sat up straight and gave him one of my best fake smiles.
“I’m forgettable?”
“Kevin, everything was so peaceful…why did you have to ruin it?”
“Because he’s probably tired of talking to your boring ass AJ.” I made sure to say as quickly as possible. That’s why they called me the comeback kid. I had a reputation to live up to.
AJ got to ride up front and I’m kind of glad. I knew this was going to be a long trip and I wanted the chance to sleep and stretch out in the backseat. For some reason, when I sit shotgun, I can never close my eyes. I have this fear of waking up just as I am flying through the wind shield. I know that sounds ironic for someone who never wears his seatbelt, but yeah…it’s a fear of mine. So I usually stay awake and in turn, become grouchy.
Plus no one really tries to carry on a conversation with you if you are behind them. Well, almost nobody I guess.
“So, when does this reality show of yours start filming?”
“At the end of the summer…although it might not happen now because we can’t seem to stay in the same place for more than ten minutes without fighting.”
It made me sad how dysfunctional my family was. I mean it’s not something that came as a huge shock to me or anything because I knew we weren’t exactly what you’d call ‘normal’, but even still, we were all just a bunch of strangers nowadays. How does something like that happen?
“Well, this will give you a little break from all of that.”
I nodded at Kevin and at AJ who had turned halfway in his seat to face me. So much for quiet solitude I guess.
“So, are you going to tell us what we are doing exactly Kev? I mean you kept saying this was some kind of colossal surprise. You aren’t tricking us into going to the dentist or anything, right daddy?”
“Right.”
“So…what is it then?” I’m glad AJ was asking all the questions and not me. Truth was, I didn’t really even care as long as I was getting the chance to go away, especially with them. They are the only people who make me feel safe anymore.
“I’m actually taking you to get shots!” I snickered at that and so did AJ.
“Seriously man…what’s this all about. Why are we in Kentucky?”
I knew why, it was because of me. When we finished up our tour and slowly began getting ready for this hiatus, my mood began to change. I got melancholy because it was all coming to an end. I acted like I was ready for it, but this time it felt different. The last time we took a break, I was more than ready to not be around the guys anymore. I felt burnt out and just so done with being a Backstreet Boy.
It’s when I wasn’t a Backstreet Boy that I figured out how important these guys were to me.
This time it was different, because I didn’t want things to end. Sure, I was grateful for the time off and to just be a bum for a bit, but I started feeling so alone and anxious. Probably because I saw how glad they were to be done, all of them so happy to just be able to go on with their families and lives. I don’t have those things.
When we had our very last meeting together before the break, we made a plan to see each other again in about three months time and until that time came; we were to stay completely out of trouble. Of course they all looked at me when Kevin said that. I don’t know why but trouble always finds me.
And it did, about two weeks later. I was accused of doing something that I didn’t do and it felt like Paris all over again. Even though I was innocent of the charges, I was still embarrassed by the calls. One at a time they called me about it. They heard something on the news, or they read something in a magazine, or a friend said this, etc.
When Kevin called however, he had this edge to his voice. I can tell he wanted to yell at me or lecture me, but he was fighting himself from doing it. Instead he invited me out to Kentucky. He said it would be a good idea to get out and get some fresh air. He had a secret project for me and that he had also invited AJ along. It would be fun and I should consider going.
“You know that makes for good TV.”
I looked up at AJ confused, “Huh?” I thought maybe I zoned out or something. I am prone to do that from time to time.
“You guys fighting all the time is exactly what America wants to see.”
“I know, but it’s not something I want to see.” I answered, once I figured out what the hell he was talking about.
“Me either.” Kevin added. He turned off the dirt road to an even smaller, remote road. “We’re just about there.”
“You aren’t taking us out into the middle of the woods to hack us to bits, right Kevin?”
“Right Nickolas…you guys watch too many horror movies…we’re here!” He said bringing the car to a full stop in front of a huge gate which hid what looked like one falling apart, white house.
When I say falling apart house, I really mean falling apart house. It was massive from the outside…massive and creepy looking. “I just need to get this gate unlocked, hang on a second.” Kevin ran over to the big black, metal gate which was overrun by dead weeds.
“He’s taking us to visit the Addams Family.” AJ joked as he once again turned his body to me.
“What on earth do you think this is all about?”
“I have no idea but this place is giving me the creeps.”
A loud creaking sound had me jump in my seat. I wasn’t expecting it. Kevin was pulling the gates open and I swear they were screaming in protest. He got in and started up the car once more, “This is so exciting!” He exclaimed as AJ and I looked baffled at each other.
The opening revealed a line of trees all leading up to the house. They were bent slightly downward as if bowing to us as we drove past them. It was pretty, but in a weird ‘I’m in a Stephen King Novel’ kind of way.
“This is it guys!” He said when we finally reached the house.
Upon closer inspection, I’d still have to go with my first assessment. It was indeed falling apart. The white paint was peeling off the front of the house. It looked like a sick snake shedding its skin. The four steps leading up to the wrap around front porch were so slanted, I was sure they would collapse under AJ’s weight.
“So, what is this Kevin?” AJ asked once again as he carefully made his way up the steps.
“This…is our project!”
“It’s a house.” I stated the obvious but for some reason, it needed to be said.
“Yes it is Nick, it’s my house. I bought it and thought it would be fun for us to fix it up.”
“You thought it would be fun for him and I to help you fix a house? Nick and I?”
“Yes.”
“The two most klutzy guys in the universe?”
“Come on, it’ll be fun.”
“Why this house?” I asked staring up at the huge windows. I couldn’t see Kevin in a place like this.
“I don’t know….my brother told me about it. No one has actually lived in this place for over 30 years. It was just abandoned one day. I got it for next to nothing.”
“I can see why.” Kevin hit AJ with his baseball cap.
“Does Kris like it?”
“She hasn’t even seen it yet.”
“Oh, nice.”
“Yeah, I wanted to fix it up first. I think I’m going to open up a camp or something once it’s done.”
“So you’re not planning on living here?”
“No.”
“Good, because I was just about to get my banjo ready.”
Kevin had made his way up the front porch steps as he was explaining how he got the house. I was still kind of afraid to venture up because they looked so unstable but he gave me a reassuring nod so I went for it. They creaked under my weight but I successfully made it to the porch. Yay me!
“Let me show you inside…” Kevin took out his key and unlocked the door for us. Of course the doorknocker is what caught my eye. It had to be the most gruesome thing I have ever seen. It had a horrible looking face without any eyes and big sharp teeth. Yes, that’s how I would like to welcome my guests.
The front door creaked as it opened and for a second I thought it was going to fall off its hinges. “We are going to have our work cut out for us.” I whispered to AJ as we stepped inside.
The inside wasn’t nearly as creepy looking as the outside. The frames that separated room from room were all cherry wood and had the most elegant carvings engraved in them.
The paint was peeling off the walls, just like the outside and there was dust and cobwebs all over everything, including the furniture.
“Did you ask Ikea for the cobweb effect?” I asked, walking over and blowing on one of the couches. Of course I ended up sneezing as a result. That’s how dusty everything was.
“No, the previous owners left everything here. That’s part of the mystery. It’s like they left the place in a hurry. When we came to see it, there was actually food still in the fridge.”
“God, I hope you cleaned that out before we got here.”
“Yes I did and stocked it with a lot of food as well. In fact I even bought a brand new one.”
“I love when Kevy takes care of us.” AJ said, patting Kevin’s head as if he were a good dog.
I nodded at AJ and took one more look around the huge living room. It was so big it had three full sized couches in it along with a baby grand piano and the biggest fireplace I have ever seen. “This is so odd, because from the outside it just looks like a big house but from in here it looks like a mansion.”
“It is beautiful, isn’t it? I’m thinking about painting the walls olive green. What do you guys think about that?”
“That’ll look nice.” AJ answered. But I was more intrigued by the fireplace. I walked over and took a look at all the pictures that were on it.
There were a ton of pictures of what looked to be a very happy family. A woman was sitting on a chair and off to her side was a man who I assume was her husband. She was surrounded by three boys one looked to be a teenager and the other two considerably younger than that. A teenage girl was also in that picture as well as a younger girl maybe about 10 or so.
You could tell the picture was older because surrounding it were newer pictures of the kids in various stages of growth. One of the boys in a wedding picture, the oldest girl wearing a cap and gown etc… Another dressed in a naval uniform.
“Why would they leave their whole lives behind like that?”
I felt Kevin’s hand on my shoulder. “I don’t know buddy…but we’re going to get rid of all of this stuff starting tomorrow.”
I nodded at him, “Maybe there’s a way to track down one of the family members and give it to them.”
“Since when have you ever cared about stuff like that?” AJ asked me, clearing off one of the couches and taking a seat on it. The mound of dust that came up when he sat made us all cough. “Kevin, tell me we aren’t spending the night in this place.”
“We aren’t…I booked us some rooms at the nearest hotel. But soon we’ll be able to stay here.”
“Thank…God!”
“Are you okay little man?” I looked over and nodded at Kevin…I guess I was getting that melancholy feeling again.
“They don’t look happy in those pictures.”
Kevin went and picked one up, it was of the little girl now looking like she was maybe 15 or so. She was sitting on a horse next to her father. “She looks perfectly happy to me.” He said while taking the picture and placing it back on the mantel.
I knew that smile though, because I have worn it more than once. It was the kind of smile you put on when you knew a camera was there waiting to capture you in a generic happy moment. All of my family photos were full of moments like that. You’d see my entire family, happy and smiling when on the inside we all wanted nothing more than to escape…kind of like how this family did.
“Let’s get out of here before it gets dark, I haven’t bought any lights for this place and I don’t know if the old ones still work.”
I nodded but still found myself staring at the family portrait. Maybe this renovation would be a good thing after all.
