21  

I watched as Kevin kicked the door and continued to yell at the top of his lungs. I didn’t have the heart to stop him and secretly I didn’t want to. I was hoping that eventually the bad guys would get tired of hearing him yell and come down and let us out, but I was beginning to worry about him as a huge stream of sweat rolled down his back making a wet, black spot on his gray tee shirt, so being the good ‘brother’ that I am, I intervened.

“Kevin, you need to stop that and conserve your energy.” I finally said above little more than a whisper.

He banged once more and then placed his arms at his side, “I know.”

I pat the ground beside me and a few seconds later that’s where he ended up. “I hope Howie and AJ are okay.” He said as he pulled his knees up and placed his arms around them.

“I have a feeling they’re safely locked away in that secret room.” I answered hoping I was wrong but knowing I was right.

Kevin turned to face me, “Are you okay? I mean how are you feeling?”

“I’m okay.”

We were able to hear footsteps above our heads which sounded like they were in the living room. “I wonder what they are doing up there?”

Kevin placed his hand over his eyes as if to shield himself from the invisible sun. “I don’t know, but I hope whatever it is they’re looking for they find already.”

I nodded at him as a whole stream of thoughts entered my mind, none of them good. For instance, what if they did find what they were looking for and decided that they couldn’t leave any witnesses? How easy would it be for them to set the house on fire with all four of us trapped inside? Or what if they get so frustrated about not finding what they want that they come back here and decide to take out their frustrations on us? The possibilities were endless so to keep my brain from further coming up with even more I decided to veer off the side of the road for a minute to a topic that scared me as much, but in the end wouldn’t result in my dying a horrible death.

“Seems to me we can pick up the conversation we were having earlier.” I stretched my legs out in front of me, trying to make myself as comfortable as possible.

“What conversation?” He asked.

“About why you’re leaving.”

“You really want to talk about this now?”

I shrugged at him, “I don’t see why not. It’s not like we both have anything better to do at the moment and besides before I die of suffocation I’d like to know the answer to that question.”

“We’re not going to suffocate Nick. There’s plenty of air in here.” He pointed to the small spot under the door. I hadn’t noticed it before but was thankful for it. “And I feel a small breeze coming from over there somewhere. If anything we’ll starve to death first.”

“Oh wow thanks Kevin. You really have a way of making a guy feel better about things.”

“I try.”

“Okay then, how about explaining…before you eat me.”

He took a deep breath, it’s almost like I was his son and we were about to have the ‘sex’ talk. “I don’t know buddy…it’s not like it’s a decision I’m making on a whim. I’ve had plenty to time to think it through.”

“But why?”

“It’s not fun for me anymore. I didn’t enjoy myself all last tour. All I wanted was for it to end. That’s how I knew it was time to move on.”

“Maybe it was just that one tour. This time around things may be different for you.”

He shook his head as he continued to stare at the wall, the one where Belle’s father was ready to take a picture of us all. “We want to have a baby.”

“I know Kevin, but Brian did it and it worked out.”

“That was different. Kris and I aren’t young anymore Nicky…” He was calling me Nicky, which means in his head I had just morphed into that twelve year old he couldn’t relate to.

“Leighanne is older than Kris.”

“Leighanne never miscarried though.” I looked over at Kevin as he continued to talk. “Kris has miscarried twice now. If she gets pregnant she’ll need bed rest and lots of looking after. Things I wouldn’t be able to do for her on the road with you guys.”

“I didn’t know she had two miscarriages.”

“It’s not something we wanted to talk about. She can’t seem to carry a baby past the first trimester.”

I was hurt that I didn’t know this secret and couldn’t help but wonder if I was the only one kept in the dark, as always. “Is she pregnant now?”

He glanced over at me for the first time since we started this chat and shook his head, “Not yet but she’s going to be taking some hormones. I am hoping that by the time you guys have a new album out, I’ll be a father.”

It sounded so weird hearing him say ‘you guys’ and excluding himself from the group like that. “I don’t want you to think it’s anything personal because it’s not. I love the four of you. It’s just that I can’t do it anymore.”

“So that’s it then? Just like that after 14 years together?”

“It’s not just like that. This has been hard for me, God…you have no idea how long I‘ve been planning this out, trying to figure out how to tell all of you.”

“You told everyone except me though!”

“That’s not exactly true.”

“It’s not? How come I’m the only one who didn’t know then?”

“I didn’t tell AJ either. That was the purpose behind this trip. I just guess that Brian or Howie told him before I got a chance to.”

“Yeah, but they didn’t tell me. Nobody tells me anything.” I sounded like a whiny little twelve year old, but it was true. They always kept things from me. Do you know how much that sucks? To always feel like you’re the one person out of the loop?

“I have to apologize to you.” He said after a few more seconds of silence and one big sigh.

“For what?”

“For this, for what’s happening now.”

“This isn’t your fault Kevin.”

“Not directly, no but I haven’t been totally honest with you either.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, very curious to know what he was talking about.

“The truth is I know all about this family…” We both jumped when we heard a huge boom coming from upstairs. Kevin stood up and moved to the door, “I wonder what that was?”

“I don’t know, maybe they are throwing your furniture around up there.” I really had no clue what to say anymore. I was totally confused about everything. I just wanted this all to end so I could go back home to my miserable life. Kevin wasn’t going to be in the Backstreet Boys anymore, our time together as a band of brothers was coming to a close and I felt powerless to do anything about it.

In the midst of my inner turmoil I hadn’t noticed him looking at me. “What?” I asked rather defensively.

“What if that picture is literal?”

“Like Brian?”

“Not Littrell…Literal! I mean what if Tommy is pointing to the exact spot where maybe something is hidden?”

Oh my God, I never even thought about that! I quickly turned around and stared at the picture. I was sitting right next to the place Tommy was pointing to. “There was something hidden under the floorboards in the attic, maybe they did the same thing here!” I said as I fiddled with the floor next to me. Sure enough the board right where Tommy was pointing was very loose. “We need something to pry this open with!” I said to Kevin as I got on all fours ready to yank.

Kevin searched the room and finally found an old hanger which he happily handed over to me, “Try this.”

I grabbed the hanger and unbent it as best I could. “Try not stabbing yourself in the eye with it.”

“What?”

“You have been kind of accident prone lately. If you poke your eye out there’s nothing we can do about it at the moment.” Yes, he was being serious. He wasn’t being a smart ass. This is how Kevin thinks in a crisis situation.

“I’ll be careful.” I said, deciding to leave the barrage of smart ass comments I could have come back with to myself, for now anyway.

I placed the straight hanger into the small crack between the boards and tried my best to hoist the piece of wood out of the ground. No matter how hard I tried it just wouldn’t give. “Let me try.” Kevin said moving his hands in a gesture as if to say ‘get the heck out of my way.’

“If I can’t do it, you can’t either.” I still hated when he pushed me out of the way just so he could do it himself.

“When I’m stabbed by a teddy bear, than you can say that, for now maybe you should just let me have a go at it.”

“Always with the bear…” I rolled my eyes at him.

“That’s what happens when you get stabbed by Mr. Snuggles.” He rolled his eyes back at me.

“Chub Chub.” I was quick to correct him.

“Whatever, just move.” I rolled my eyes at him again as he helped me get to my feet. Once I was up we quickly changed positions, now he was on all fours as I stood watching. There had to be something hidden under there. I just had that feeling, it was so obvious.   

“I wonder what’s so important that those cops are willing to break and enter to find it.”

“What if it’s not the cops?” He asked me.

“It has to be, I mean you think there’s someone else up there?”

“I don’t know what I think anymore…I got it!” He exclaimed happily as he managed to yank the board from its foundation.

“Is there anything under there?” I found myself crowding around him to get a closer look. Part of me wanted to push him entirely out of the way; feeling like this discovery has always been meant for my eyes only.

Kevin placed his hand down into the ground, “I think I feel something.” He said as he grimaced and stuck his tongue out. I really do think he’s turning into me.

“Well?” I was growing impatient. I mean how deep can that hole be?

“It’s stuck…”

“But there’s something there?”

“Definitely, but I can’t get it out.”

“What does it feel like?”

“A book.”

“Really?”

“No, I’m joking.”

“No need to be a jerk.”

“Sorry.”

“You want me to try?”

“If I can’t get it out of there, you wouldn’t be able to either.”

“Let me be the judge of that.”

He took his hand out of the small hole, “Fine, but don’t get yourself stuck in there.”

“Jesus!”

“Don’t Jesus me.” 

“Don’t Jesus you? What does that even mean?” He moved out of the way and I took his place, quickly sticking my hand down the hole and feeling the spine of a book. “I feel it.” I tried yanking it out of the ground, but like Kevin said, it was really stuck on something.

“Well?”

“It’s coming.” I yanked even harder. After all the crap I’ve been through I needed to know what this was, even if it turned out to be nothing more than a porn magazine or something. I wonder what porn magazines looked like back then.

There was another huge bang from upstairs which made me remember the situation we were in. “Nick, hurry before they come down here.” I guess it also reminded Kevin.

I decided to pull with all my might so I grabbed the spine as tight as I could and pulled and thankfully it came out of the hole. “Yes!” I said as I fell over from the exertion used to un-lodge the book from its decades of burial.

Kevin grabbed it out of my hands before I even got a chance to see what it was, “It looks like it’s another journal.” He said as he dusted off the front cover of the book.

“Whose is it?” I asked as I went to take it from him.

“It says Belle on the cover.” He handed it over and I felt a rush of adrenaline hit me.

“She went to a lot of trouble to hide this thing.” I said as I sat down with Belle’s life in my hands. I understood though, the second I opened it up to the first page, why it was hidden and maybe also why people were upstairs frantically searching. On the very first page it said this:

 We all do things in our lifetime we aren’t proud of. Sometimes those things go away and when they do, we let out a great sigh of relief...but sometimes when you think they are gone...the reality is that they are just lingering in the dark and waiting to be found. 

I’ve hidden the truth for too long.  

This is my confession… 

“Holy shit.” I whispered, not sure if I wanted to open my eyes to the darkness that was waiting to be found.