It’s like the weirdest feeling that hits you out of the blue. I can be feeling completely fine and ready to tackle the world when all of the sudden, I get the tiniest little lump in my throat and just one second later, the tears start to spill.
There are so many people I could call if I needed them. My family and friends would be more than willing to help, but yet, I just stare at the phone with a blank expression on my face, hoping that this will pass, as it usually does.
Whenever this happens, I end up crying myself to sleep and waking up with the worst headache in the world. People laugh at me when I walk into the room with my red eyes and my aspirin, because they think I just partied too hard and had too much fun. They don’t realize that all night long I’ve had this internal struggle to not just go into my medicine cabinet, find my prescription sleeping pills and call it a day.
People think suicide is an ultimate act of selfishness and cowardice and you know what? They’re probably right. But it’s the suicidal thoughts; those things are what separate the cowards from the strong. It’s one thing to act on them and another to will them away night after night. Not that I’m always suicidal or anything, in fact I rarely get to that point. Lately though, it’s been a rough patch of sad thoughts.
I usually just smile along when they joke about hangovers and how I should just cut my wild ways in half. Funny how they don’t understand the accomplishment I feel just by opening my eyes and allowing myself to start another day.
Isn’t it funny how the people who supposedly love you the most are also the ones who are usually completely clueless?
We decided on this out of the way diner for lunch. I mean really out of the way but it seemed like that’s just what Kentucky was about. Everything was ‘out of the way’
“Does it take like three freakin’ years to get to anywhere you need to be in this state?” AJ blurted out suddenly as if reading my mind. Sometimes that scared me. It didn’t when it was Brian but when AJ and I were on the same frequency… that was freaky deaky.
Kevin shook his head as he lifted his menu and ignored us. He did that well, the ignoring part. When I met Kevin for the first time, I remember turning to AJ and Howie and saying I know for a fact I’m going to give this guy an aneurysm by the time he’s 30, if we’re together that long! I’m proud to say he’s over the 30 mark and still his brain hasn’t exploded. That’s because he knows how to turn me on and off, like having his very own Nick switch.
“Kevin, how old are you?”
“Nick, how long have you known me now?” He asked, still not taking his eyes off of his menu.
“Uh…a long ass time.”
“Uh huh and since we’ve known each other for such a long time, don’t you think by now you should know how old I am? I mean I know how old YOU are.”
“That’s because I’m your favorite.”
Finally…he looked over the top of his menu. Gazing at me long enough to let me know that this simply was not the case, before shaking his head and continuing on with his search of the perfect lunch.
“He’s 34 but soon to be 35, aren’t you Kevin?” AJ answered ever so proudly.
“Yup.”
“See? I know…” I looked over at J and gave him the finger.
“I did too…I knew he was like in his mid to late 30’s I just have a hard time remembering stuff like that.”
“Mid to late thirties?”
“Uh…well yeah, kind of. You are in your mid thirties Kevin.”
“Just like you’re in your mid twenties Nickolas.”
“Exactly.” I smiled at him and winked when he finally put his menu down.
The waitress came the second it seemed Kevin was ready to order, that’s of course when I realized I hadn’t even looked at the menu. Oops, my bad. “Do you all know what you want?” She asked in a heavy southern accent, almost as heavy as Brian’s, if that was even possible.
“Yup.” AJ answered before I had a chance to say otherwise. “I’ll have a burger and fries, well done. No mooing allowed.”
“No mooing, got it…and what about you?”
“Let him go first.” I said nodding my head towards Kevin as if I was just being polite and letting age go before beauty.
“I’ll have a chef salad with oil and vinegar dressing.”
She glanced over at me again so I said the first thing that came to my mind, “I’ll have the same.” Damn! Why couldn’t I say that after AJ and not after Kevin!
When she walked away both guys started laughing at me, they knew I didn’t mean to do that. “Nick when are you going to stop being so predictable? If you spent this time looking at the menu and not fixating on how old I was, you would have known what you wanted.”
“I knew what I wanted.”
“Right.” Kevin shook his head at me and for some reason that pissed me off. I hated when the guys laughed at me, or when anyone did really. I spent most of my life feeling like I was stupid so when I get laughed at I guess it’s just one of my many emotional scars that get ripped open.
“What the hell ever!” I pouted and went for my Sidekick, further annoying myself when I realized I had left it at the house. Gah! Can this day get any worse?
“Don’t be a baby.”
“I’m over it.” I rolled my eyes at AJ before happily changing the subject, “So…about this family. I think something weird happened to one of the kids. Like maybe he was murdered or something.”
“Why on earth would you say something like that?”
“Because according to Isobella, he kind of just disappeared.”
“Isobella?”
“Yeah…the girl who’s room I was working on.” AJ laughed when I said the word ‘work’ to which I answered with a swift kick to his leg.
“Disappeared huh?” I smirked at him while he rubbed his leg.
“Yeah…and she wrote a fake diary to throw off her sister Beth.”
“I was thinking about going with blue for the kitchen. What do you guys think about that?” Kevin asked as he just so rudely brushed off the subject of my morning snooping.
“Blue would work man…although Kaci said every kitchen in America should be painted yellow.”
“Oh, well if Kaci says that then…”
“Shut up Kev, I’m just saying.”
“So, like I was saying, she wrote this whole fake entry, I guess her sister used to read her stuff but what I found really weird was this letter I…”
“What do you think about the blue Nick?”
I looked over at Kevin confused; this was the second time he cut me off, what the hell? “Don’t you care that someone might have been murdered in your newly acquired home Kevin?”
He let out a deep sigh which made me sad. I could tell he was regretting his decision to invite me along, that maybe he was better off with just AJ which for all I know was his original plan to begin with. “Nick, aren’t you…” He looked over at me. Maybe it was the expression on my face or maybe he just didn’t want to open a can of worms, whatever the reason he stopped his first thought. “Whatever happened in that house before I bought it is really of no concern to me. It’s not my business…nor is it yours.”
“But you make everything your business…I thought you’d be interested. Never mind…forget I even said anything.”
There was one of those uncomfortable silences that followed. They happened from time to time when one of us decided to become overly dramatic…okay I admit it was usually me, but AJ was a close second.
“So, what’s the deal with you and Kaci anyway?” Kevin asked. I guess it was easiest for him to just ignore me all together and focus on the real person he wanted to come along anyway. Luckily I had a straw wrapper to entertain myself with.
“She’s good….I really think she might be the one. I know you aren’t keen on the idea of us together Kev…”
“It’s not that, she’s a perfectly nice little girl.”
I laughed out loud, I couldn’t help it. Of course when I looked up they were both glaring at me, so I put my head down again and played with my paper. I never knew that you can knot a paper from a straw about fifteen times before it starts falling apart, fascinating stuff, really. I’ll have to try with a napkin when my food gets here, if you can call salad food.
“Well?”
When I heard nothing after the word well, I had a feeling I was the one who was being talked to. Sure enough when I lifted my eyes from my knotted paper, both guys were staring at me once again. “Well what?”
Kevin shook his head, “Why don’t you ever listen?”
“I was playing with my straw.” Probably not the best excuse in the world, but it was the truth.
“I asked you what was going on in your life.”
“Oh, not much…just the reality show’s taping soon.” I finished with a shrug.
He nodded at me but I also felt him trying to stare into me, I hated when he did that. “What about the family? Have you spoken to your mom or dad lately?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Because I care… maybe?”
“No, I haven’t. My mother called shortly after she heard about the show, she left a message to call her, but honestly there’s really nothing I have to say to her. I’m not sure she wanted me anyway. Seems all she cares about is Leslie nowadays.”
AJ put his head down and started playing with HIS straw wrapper. He’s such a copycat…actually he just gets really uncomfortable when my dysfunctional family comes into conversation.
“What about your dad?”
I shook my head at him, “Dad has a whole knew life…we’ve kind of been replaced I guess.” I hated talking about my family, because at the end of the day it always brings me down. Not so much the siblings because we are trying very hard to make things work out. Mom and dad though, it’s just sad.
I can count on one hand the amount of times my mother called me before she heard about us all being on television. Dad could care less either way, he probably thinks ‘good for them, now I don’t have to deal with them anymore.’
I’m not sure why Kevin always chooses to bring them up, it’s almost like he wants me to feel bad. Okay, I know that’s not the case, but he has to realize that it’s something that hurts me deep down inside. I found myself trying to swallow those feelings down again, keep them from resurfacing so I went to my happy place, which today at the moment, besides trying to figure out what happened to Belle’s brother, was my straw wrapper.
I started fiddling with it once again as another wave of silence hit our little table. I felt his hand on top of mine suddenly, stopping me from my unknotting. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to make you sad.” He said softly and kindly.
“You didn’t. My family is this whole other thing now Kevin…it’s like it doesn’t exist anymore.”
He nodded his head in understanding, even though I knew he probably didn’t get it. When you come from a family as solid as his, how could you possibly understand what I was talking about? “So, I give in…tell me why you think someone was murdered in my new house.” He knew that was my happy place. I love Kevin, when he’s not making me mad.
“Oh Lord…here we go.” AJ huffed under his breath. But I think he was grateful for the change in subject matter, I know I was.
“Because it seems like he just disappeared without a trace. Beth seemed worried about Belle. I think that maybe something weird was going on in her family. I plan on getting to the bottom of it.”
They both looked at each other and smiled. I’m sure this was all very amusing to them but I meant it. If something happened to Tommy, I was going to find out what it was. I’m not sure why I felt like it was my duty, but in some ways I just felt some kind of connection to them, especially Isobella. I suddenly felt rejuvenated. I wanted to get back to that house and do some more digging.
Maybe I would find Tommy’s room, or better yet, I could further explore Belle’s. I barely touched the stuff in there, which I’m sure will drive Kevin ballistic when he sees how little I actually accomplished while upstairs.
“Well…who knows…maybe by the time we get to the basement, we’ll find a rotting corpse or something.” AJ said in a Dracula meets Johnny No Name voice. He sucks at impressions.
“You guys are too much, you know that?”
“Yes Kevin, but that’s why you love us.” I said giving him a wink to let him know my little mood had passed.
Our lunch came out shortly after. I can’t believe I ordered a salad! Never fear though, I did wind up eating some of AJ’s fries when he wasn’t looking.
