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Brian sighed heavily as he leaned on the railing of the yacht's expensive deck. Fussing with the satin sapphire tie wrapped around his neck, he felt as if he were suffocating once more. Staring into the crystal containing his champagne, he really didn't feel as if he were in a celebratory mood. Not like the rest of his band mates hovering amongst the deck, celebrating the newly raised money for Howie's benefit - Dorough Lupus Foundation. But they had pleaded with him to attend. So he had complied, dressing in the expensive Armani suit and sitting through a boring dinner. Then a painful dancing session of watching Kristin with Kevin and Stephanie with Howie, then AJ and Nick with their dates.

"I really should have just stayed at the damn hotel," Brian muttered, taking a long sip of the bubbling alcohol.

But Howie and Stephanie had pleaded with him to accept the invitation. He could have just as easily turned it down, but the look in Stephanie's eyes. He knew better than to disagree with a woman when she had that look in her eyes. It was a virtual blackmail. If he hadn't went, she would have squealed. Why were all women so--

"If it isn't the Cowboy..."

Brian whipped around, dropping his crystal glass overboard. He didn't seem to notice as he caught eyes with the woman from the park. "You. What are you doing here?"

"I was invited," she answered simply, turning to lean her bare back against the railing. Her sapphire eyes sparkled beneath the soft lighting of the deck as she ran a fingertip along the top of her crystal glass. She was gorgeous to say the very least. Her long dark blonde locks wrapped into an elegant up-do, several long curls framing her heart shaped face. Her sleekly curved body was dressed in a pair of black elegant slacks with wide pant legs that made it appear like a gown. Her top was strapped snugly within a sapphire corset, showing an ample amount of cleavage. Sapphire jewels dripping from her ears and neck, adding to the creamy complexion of her soft skin.

"You got invited to this private celebration? How did you manage that, by banging your boss?" Brian let the insult slip from his tongue.

"Actually, I've been doing a lot of writing for the DLF. I'm friends with Pollyanna and she invited me to this," the woman answered without any signs of hostility.

"I've known Pollyanna for years... she never mentioned you."

"Maybe she didn't want to?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't ask her to spread my name around amongst her friends. I'm helping her spread press about DLF through my magazine. We're business colleagues. Business friends."

"Oh. You're one of those 'never mix business with pleasure' chicks, aren't you?"

"No one ever said that," she actually laughed. "I'm here, aren't I?"

"Yeah, you are..." Brian trailed off, captivated by her laugh. Full of life and energy.

"For all I know, you're trying to offer me a chance to mix business and pleasure by taking me to that lush bathroom..."

"Trust me, that's one offer I'm not making to you right now," Brian scowled, looking out towards the water.

"Well, that's an honest shame," she sighed, leaning backward against the rail further, so she could catch his eyes. "It's still nice to meet you. Y'know, after you collided with me."

"You collided with me--"

"How about we just leave it as we collided with each other?"

"Fine..." Brian held back a sigh. "It's nice meeting you, too."

"Are you sure?" she inquired further, tucking a few dark blonde locks behind her pierced ears. "You don't seem too thrilled."

"Let's just say it's been a long year for me."

"Well, that means it can only go up from here."

"I don't think so."

"And I thought you were optimistic..."

"You see what the media sees," Brian shrugged, turning his head to gaze into her eyes.

"And what if I wanted the truth?"

"So you can publish the next big story in your magazine? Thanks, but no thanks--"

"You think I stood next to you and took the chance of saying hello to get some story in a magazine?" she interrupted, her sapphire eyes darkening with hurt. "I'm not that ravenous. And I write for a nursing journal. Why they would be concerned about your attitude is beyond me--"

"And why you would be concerned about my attitude is beyond me," Brian stood up and walked to the bar. He needed a drink.

"Because maybe I know where you're coming from. Anyone can recognize the signs of depression. Especially if they've been there."

"So you've been engaged? Preparing for a wedding that would never happen? To have the one person you loved more than anything in the world tell you they don't love you? To have to explain to family and friends why there would be no wedding? You know what it's like?" Brian rounded on her, tears stinging his azure eyes.

"I was at the wedding in the most beautiful gown in my entire life. Probably the only gown in my entire life. And I had someone tap me on the shoulder and say that the love of my life wasn't coming. He was gone. Not so much as a note. But I did get a phone call when he was on our honeymoon... With another woman," she spoke frankly.

"You're lying."

"Yeah, like I would just make that up for shits and giggles."

"You--"

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Littrell," she answered, moving to weave through the intimate crowds.

"I'm... I'm sorry..." Brian trailed off.

When he caught her bare upper arm and turned her to face him, her sapphire eyes widened in shock. At the sincere look in his light blue eyes, she offered a small smile. "It's okay."

"I didn't mean to be an asshole... I shouldn't assume--"

"It's okay."

"But I--"

Brian's apology came to a crashing halt when he felt a pair of soft lips descend over his. At first, he wanted to pull away, but at the taste of a fruit punch flavored gloss, he stepped forward. Tightening his grasp on her arm, a small moan slipped from his lips. Especially as she teased his bottom lip with a playful nip.

"You looked like you needed one of them," she immediately answered for her actions.

"I... I... thank you," Brian licked his lips, actually smiling.

"Now that's the smile I remember... Even if it was for the phony media..."

"This is a real smile. And thank you for bringing it back."

"And it only took a kiss... Guess you're easy to please."

"What about your name?"

"You actually care to know it... After saying that I screwed my boss to get here... And, what exactly did you say at the park?"

"Can we just forget that and start over?"

"Before or after the kiss?"

"If I say before, can we kiss again?"

"You're persistent, I'll give you that," she laughed, gesturing toward the back of the yacht that was far less crowded.

"I know, it's something I'm actually good at," Brian smiled, placing a hand on the small of her back as they walked.

"You do realize you just did a 180..."

"Believe me, it's something I needed to do... for a long time..."

"Well, I'm glad."

"So am I. Now... what's your name?"

"Ana."

"It's nice to meet you, Ana. I'm Brian--"

"Really?" Ana teased as she pretended to swoon.

"You're funny," Brian rolled his eyes with a chuckle.

"You didn't think I was so funny in the park," Ana reminded him as she leaned on the railing, overlooking the dark ocean waters they were surfing a crossed. "And I'm sorry for putting my knee... Well, y'know..."

"I was being rude... I deserved to be put in my place," Brian dismissed the apology.

"But it didn't deserve any kind of sexual harassment. Though I suppose many women would just love to do that..."

"Not as many as you would think."

"Why do you say that?"

"Women always go after AJ or Nick. I'm the innocent Bible Boy," Brian shrugged.

"Well, I always thought you--"

"Ana! Get your little booty over here!" A voice interrupted their conversation. Looking over, Ana saw it was her editor with a big grin on her face and she groaned.

"I'm sorry Cowboy, but we're going to have to cut this conversation short. How long are you in New York?"

"I don't know... a week. Maybe two. We're doing a lot of publicity for this album."

"Well, I--"

"ANA!"

"Jeez, I'm coming!" Ana kissed Brian's cheek and smiled. "I'll see you around."

"See you..." Brian trailed off, cupping his cheek as Ana scurried away. "...Tonight in my dreams..."


~*~*~*~*~


Howie walked out of the bathroom, vigorously rubbing his wet curls with a soft towel. They had just gotten back from the Lupus celebration and everyone had retired early to their rooms. What surprised them most was that Brian smiling when they left. AJ and Nick pestered him about his good mood, but he just shrugged it off.

"You really need to just cancel my room at the next hotel we stay at. Because I always seem to be running in here all the time. And sleeping in here all the time. And loving all my time in here-- What's with that smirk?" Stephanie inquired as she stepped into Howie's room, curled tightly in a thick robe.

"You come into my room with just a robe on and you ask why I'm smirking?"

"That smirk was there before I came in..."

"Oh, that smirk. I'm just... I don't know how to explain it. Brian was smiling tonight. You don't know how long it's been since I've seen him smile."

"He was probably drunk..." Stephanie trailed, not knowing what could have possibly changed the man's disposition so rapidly. Sighing, she crossed the room to Howie's bed, falling amongst the pillows.

"Baby, he doesn't get drunk. He just takes a glass of whatever everyone's having and holds onto it for most of the night," Howie disagreed, lying down next to her.

"Well then someone must have tickled his ass or something, 'cause that was not the man I originally met with gashes--" Stephanie halted her train of thought, biting down hard on her bottom lip. "He is different..."

"What did you just say?" Howie asked softly, raising his dark brows.

"Nothing, I just wondered what could have made him so happy so quickly..."

"Stephanie, don't lie to me."

"Howie--"

"Gashes? What gashes?"

"Damnit, Howie--"

"I'll go ask Brian what you meant if--"

"No!"

"Then what are you talking about?" Howie demanded sharply.

"When Brian locks himself in the bathroom..." Stephanie trailed off, looking down at her hands. "He hurts himself."

"...He..." Howie could barely register the words. "He... How?"

"I don't know what he uses... but anything sharp... he's a cutter, Howie..."

Howie furiously shook his head. "No--"

"I saw the scars. They're all the way down his wrists. Why do you think he won't let anyone touch them?"

"Because he's touchy right now--"

"Because his body is filled with deep cuts!"

"He doesn't do that!"

"Howie, ask him to roll up his sleeves. It's almost near summer and he's wearing long sleeves. That has got to be a clue for you!"

"No, he's just... ever since his heart surgery, he stays a little cooler than--"

"Howie."

"He doesn't cut," Howie growled, pulling away when Stephanie tried to reach for him. His heart ached at the mere thought as he stood from the bed, poking his head into the hallway to see Brian walking by.

"Hey," Brian smiled, yet again clad in a long sleeve shirt as he walked towards his room.

"Hey, B... Can you c'mere?" Howie called.

"Sure. What do you need?" Brian asked, raising his eyebrows in curiosity.

"I have this shirt and it's not exactly what I was looking for. I wondered if you wanted to come in here and try it. See if it fits you?" Howie suggested, baiting Brian into his room.

"Alright. I guess I could always use another shirt," Brian agreed.

"Great," Howie approved, moving to the dresser supplied in the hotel room. Rummaging around, he pulled out a fresh t-shirt, tossing it toward Brian. "Just try it on in here."

"Oh, you said a shirt. I have plenty of t-shirts. Thanks anyway," Brian threw it back to Howie.

"What's it hurt to have a new t-shirt? C'mon."

"D, I have plenty. Give it to AJ, he's the clothing addict."

"Just try it--"

"I don't want it," Brian insisted, turning toward Stephanie with a scowl. "What did you tell him?"

"Brian--"

"What did she tell you?" Brian insisted, turning toward Howie with disgusted look. He immediately reached to tug down his long sleeves, balling the cuffs into his fists.

"She's just worried about you--"

"More like sticking her nose into my business."

"You're going to slip one day and cut too far and too hard," Stephanie interjected.

"Shut up, you stupid bitch! I don't cut!"

"BRIAN!" Howie exclaimed, reaching to yank him at the wrist.

Brian yelped in pain when Howie's fingers lanced into his battered and bleeding wrist. Falling in the direction of Howie's pull, he felt the older man yank up his shirtsleeve. He heard Howie's sharp gasp and immediately started to sob as he attempted to yank his arm away. But Howie pushed the sleeve higher.

"What the Hell are you doing, Brian?!" Howie growled with disbelief, his eyes taking in what looked like hundreds of fading scars, newly opened slices, and somewhat healing cuts. His arm was filled with the disaster of his life.

"Getting rid of the pain!" Brian sobbed, still trying to pull away from Howie's grasp. "Let me go!"

"KEVIN!" Howie screamed as he reached for Brian's other arm, pinning him to the ground.

"DON'T! PLEASE, JUST LET ME GO!" Brian tried to squirm away, but Howie wasn't having it. He glared up at Stephanie through his tears. "YOU BITCH! YOU HAD TO OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!"

"It's for your own good," Stephanie whispered, sitting back as she reached for a pillow to clutch.

"Where else have you been cutting yourself?" Howie demanded, groaning when he revealed the deeper cuts on Brian's left arm.

"I'm not--"

"What the Hell is going on in here?!" Kevin burst as he rushed into the room.

"Look at your cousin!" Howie exclaimed, holding up one of Brian's arms for Kevin's inspections. "He's been hacking himself to death!"

Kevin was rendered speechless as he looked at all the scars, some bleeding. "Oh my God... Brian!"

"GET OFF ME!" Brian howled.

"It sounds like someone's being tortured-- Holy shit!" Nick and AJ stopped short in the room.

"Where else have you been cutting?" Howie insisted upon demanding, gesturing toward Kevin and AJ to check his legs.

"GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME!" Brian chanted, kicking his legs.

"Damnit, Brian," Kevin growled, pouncing on one leg to yank off his shoe, immediately beginning to roll up the leg to show off another several layers of cuts. "What the Hell are you doing this with?!"

"We've got to check his bags for razors and anything sharp," AJ replied, pinning down the other leg and sure enough revealing more cuts.

"Go clean out his bathroom, Nick. I want everything out of there," Howie demanded as Brian began to sob pitifully.

"Why can't you all just leave me alone? Leave me alone!" Brian pleaded as Nick scurried out of the room.

"These cuts are everywhere. God, what if one of them gets infected?" Howie murmured toward Kevin, unaware of the own tears racing down his cheeks.

"We're going to have to take him to the doctor... I don't know what to do," Kevin shook his head, in pure shock at what his cousin was doing to himself.

"I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!" Brian screamed out in tyranny.

"The Hell you're not! You need help, Brian!"

"THEN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD KNOWS!"

"IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO BRING BACK THE OLD BRIAN, SO BE IT!"


~*~*~*~*~


"I don't know what's worse, being on house arrest or not having anyone care where I go," Brian muttered, sitting in the living room and flipping through a magazine he had found on the coffee table.

A few weeks had past since Stephanie had squealed about his dangerous habit. His friends had completely torn his room apart and removed any potentionally sharp object from his grasp. They had then stole him away to an Emergency Room. Some stitches had been required for his most recent injuries done just an hour before they intervened upon him. He was put upon an antidepressant and a psychiatrist would be making several visits along the road. For now, under a suicide pact agreement, he was forbidden to go anywhere without an escort. Even now, he could feel their eyes watching him.

Suddenly his eyes stopped the bitter argument in his mind. Dark blonde curls. Brilliant sapphire eyes. It was her. Ana. She was the reason his smile came back, and his laughter.

Hurriedly flipping to the front of the magazine, his eyes widened when he read Nursing 2001. Whoever had bought a medical magazine was clearly out of their mind. Or so Brian thought until he flipped back to see Ana's adorable smile. Glancing upward, he read the caption about supporting the DLF Foundation. Then how the magazine was honoring Ana as one of their best writers. "Anastacia Lord..."

Their conversation from the yacht came back to mind and he smiled, continuing to read about Ana. He heard someone come in, but paid no attention.

"Hey, I know her," Stephanie's voice called out of nowhere, causing Brian to jerk back. And when he glanced up, he found Stephanie leaning over the back of the couch with a keen interest.

"You met her at the cruise--"

"No, I mean I know her. We used to be best friends before she moved to New York."

"What the Hell are you talking about?"

"I met Ana when I moved to Minnesota. Then two years ago, she moved to New York."

Brian glanced up skeptically. "You know her?"

"I think I just said that about three times now?"

"You have her number?"

"Why?"

"Do you have her number or not?"

"Why do you want to know?" Stephanie insisted, knowing the man loathed the very sight of her after she had told Howie about his cutting.

"Why should I tell you? You'll just run and snitch on me like you did before."

"You were hurting yourself--"

"It wasn't your damn business to tell. Do you have her number?"

"And if I do, what makes you think I'll give it to you?"

Brian groaned, throwing down the magazine. "Fuck it, then. I'll look in the damn phonebook--"

"She's unlisted."

"I can call her work--"

"They don't give out their writer's numbers."

"Why are you fucking with me?!"

"Why do you hate me so much when all I tried to do was help you?"

Brian growled with frustration, moving to roll off the couch and proceed to his room. "Just leave me alone--"

"If I give you her number... will you give me another chance?"

"No, I don't want it anymore," Brian huffed, stalking off to slam his hotel door shut.

"You'll want it later," Stephanie winced as the door slammed. It was these times with Brian where she wondered if she had done the right thing.

Exhaling a heavy breath, she moved to collapse on the couch, reaching for the magazine he had been reading. Flipping hurriedly through the pages, she located the article featuring Ana. Pieces of the puzzle seemed to fly together and lock tightly. Brian wanted her number. He had met her at the benefit. That's when he had first smiled. Sighing with relief, she reached for her cell phone. It had felt like forever since she had last contacted the younger woman.

There were a few rings and then a professional voice answered. "Anastacia Lord."

"Since when did you answer the phone so perfunctory? What happened to - What the Hell do you want?"

"Excuse me?"

"I guess it's hard to remember your days in Minnesota?" Stephanie chuckled.

"Or maybe it's just hard to remember friends who don't ever call."

"Hey, it goes both ways, CT."

"I tried calling your house. No way to get in touch."

"There's my cell phone?"

"Are you calling to bitch at me?"

"No, I guess I just thought our first conversation in God knows how long would be better--"

"Well, how are you?"

Stephanie had to smile at Ana's abrupt change in subject. She hadn't changed a bit. "I'm doing great, actually. How are you, Miss Big Magazine Writer?"

"Hardly a big magazine. Nursing 2001... And 2000... And 1999..."

"Yeah, I rest my case," Stephanie chuckled, curling back onto the plush couch.

"They can fire me whenever they want."

"You're too good to get fired!"

"Have you read my stuff?"

"How could I not? You're an amazing writer."

"You mean you understand it?"

"I've learned to understand it. At first, it was a little hard with the medical terms, but now it's a piece of cake."

"Impressive," Ana cooed.

"Thank you," Stephanie cooed back, smiling. "I'll bet you'll never guess where I am right now."

"Knowing you... Probably not..."

"Hey!"

"Kidding... where are you?"

"In New York--"

"Honest to God?"

"Honest to God."

"What are you doing in New York?"

"You're never going to believe me," Stephanie smiled as Howie walked into the living room.

"Then don't tell me--"

"I won the Backstreet Boys contest!" she blurted.

"What Backstreet Boys contest?" Ana questioned with confusion, obviously letting her personal life dwindle from the seriousness of her professional life.

"CT! Have you fallen out of the loop? You didn't hear about the big contest held in New York?"

"I've been working?"

"So have I, but I still heard about it... anyway, I won!"

"What did you win?"

"Howie Dorough to be mine forever and ever--"

"Wait, wait, wait. HOWIE DOROUGH? The man who was plastered all over your room?"

"Well you don't have to go spreading that all around. But it was to get lessons from any Backstreet I wanted--"

"And you picked Howie and wooed him..."

"More or less," Stephanie giggled as Howie pulled her into his arms and kissed her neck.

"I've been working with his sister on getting a story out about the Dorough Lupus Foundation. Absolutely fantastic what he's doing with that. And his sister, Pollyanna, is an absolute doll. She gets me anything I could possibly want to include in the article."

"I think it's great that you're the one to write it. You'll do it justice."

"Thank you, just wish I could get an interview with him, y'know? But he's working so hard and I ain't about to get involved in this mess."

"You want an interview with him?" Stephanie glanced back him and smirked. "I think I can help you with that."

"...What?"

"I know Howie's schedule. I'm sure he would love to do an interview for your Lupus article."

Ana hesitated, "...What's the catch?"

"The only catch would be you have to come to our hotel. The fans caught Nick sneaking out for some snacks and now it's really hard for them to go outside."

"You want me to brave that mess?"

"No one will bother you."

"I'd rather get shot wearing a bullet proof vest..." Ana hesitated once more. "...Is Brian going to be there?"

Stephanie smiled, knowing that Ana would take the bait. "Yes, he will be here."

"I met him in the park... And then at the cruise..."

"So you're the reason he began smiling again."

"What?"

"If you met him at the cruise, you know he went through a lot. After that night, he began smiling again."

Ana laughed, "You are so full of shit--"

"You come here and you'll see for yourself."

"I'm coming for an interview."

"What, you're not allowed to socialize?" Stephanie chuckled. All work and no play seemed to describe Ana's life to a tee.

"Hardly."

"You always did work yourself too much, CT."

"Stephanie, don't start--"

"Can you be here in an hour? The Boys are free for the rest of the night."

"Are you serious?"

"You wanted an interview, right? This is the perfect time."

"But... I... Okay, let me just get dressed--"

"If you come over here in business attire, I'm going to have a heart attack. This isn't formal. Just get over here in your normal clothes."

"Stephanie--"

"Normal clothes. I'll see you in an hour. The concierge will know you're coming. Bye, CT! Love you!" Stephanie hung up before Ana could object.