“Let’s go on a trip!”
“Where do you want to go?”
“Anywhere but here!!!!”
It had been a long night…. Too many bottles… And that was all I remember… Yet somehow, I ended up in a nightclub in Denver, Colorado in the middle of winter… Some time between October and November. Well… I had said anywhere but here…. But still…. The lights were low, the stage was empty, and the music was silent. I suppose they were having an open mic night of sorts, but they should really get the acts on in a snap! There was no stage set up or cleaning to be done at all! So what was the delay?! I began to pace back and forth in place. Yes that sounds weird… But that’s what I did. He put his hand to my shoulder.
“Nick…” his eyes narrowed slowly.
If I was him, which I’m not, I’d have smacked me in the face with that bottle I was holding. Not normally, just the look on his face told me that’s what he really wanted to do. I scowled. Yeah… I was usually more laid back for sure, but… For some reason, lately I’d had all this pent up hostility in my heart. What was I doing? Nothing. Where was I going? Nowhere. I felt almost directionless and unproductive. And what do directionless, unproductive people do? In the frenzy of a drunken night they can’t remember, they announce they want to go on a trip, pack up their bags, and find themselves standing around in a nightclub with their best friend, an empty stage, and no music in fucking Denver, Colorado when it’s only thirty-five degrees outside! It was not like LA at all… That’s not to say that Denver, Colorado is in the middle of nowhere, mind you. If I were in Wyoming, then I’d be mad. Well, I guess it really didn’t matter; it was still one of those obscured square shaped states out west in the no man’s land between New York and California. Okay, Vegas was in there somewhere! But again… I digress… Yes, I digress. The point is, whatever spur of the moment snap decision I made was turning out to be a poor one. Chris!!!!!! Next time I decide to take a trip without warning when I’ve been drinking, either punch me in the kidneys or just drive down to San Diego! Colorado?!!? Fucking Denver, Colorado?!?! What were you thinking?!?!? What was I thinking!?!?!?! Fucking Denver, Colorado?!?!?!!? I must have passed out and hit my head, only to get up and decide that I hadn’t had nearly enough to drink! It’s the only logical explanation! And it’s not very logical at all, now is it?
Chris rolled his eyes and handed me the bottle he had been holding, it was still full. And with that, off he went. Now why didn’t I think of that? I could just walk out of this club, call a cab, and get a flight back to LA! Then at least half my problems would be over and done with! But… It was thirty-five degrees outside… I guess this was on of those primal instinct things… Necessity before desire or something like that. I took a sip of the bottle. Stupid fucking winter. Next time I decide to pack up my bags on a whim, let’s go to the Bahamas!
A few lights focused on the stage as I took another drink, thank God, something was happening! A shadowed figure walked on stage. Well, well, a girl holding a guitar…. This night’s not so bad…. But that had slipped my mind… Open mic night was equivalent to amateur hour for the people who should never open their mouths and drop a note. But, I should count my blessings; at least it wasn’t a karaoke club… Amateur hour for a bunch of drunks who should never open their mouths and would never dream of it otherwise. Not that I’ve been to many karaoke clubs… What’s the point when you’ll just end up embarrassing yourself in front of everyone? I do that anyway, with much less alcohol, and a much bigger audience. I eyed the girl again. Short, tousled brown hair that fell in her eyes… What do you mean her hair can’t be tousled? She’s a girl? What kind of stupid answer is that? What do you call it when some pieces are longer than others? Layered? Fine. Fine… Nick is the stupid one who knows nothing about fashion, clearly. Though I have heard popular opinion about the orange shirt… Yes it looked like a couch… I love couches! But again… I digress from the topic at hand because really, though a couch is much more interesting than this nightclub, you care about the girl on stage, right? Thought so. Someday, when I write a book all about my life’s musings, there will be a chapter dedicated to all my upholstery style shirts and my love of couches. And you will buy it, and I know you will read it. And that’s that. Anyway… The girl was short, with LAYERED brown hair that fell into her eyes. Small black and white halter, with a nice little black ribbon in the back… Jeans… Big, black heart-shaped necklace… Looked like plastic… Where was this girl shopping? The teenybopper stores in the mall. If I had a dime for every teenybopper that thought they could be a queen in the music business and become betrothed to one of the kings of the music business, I would be even richer than I was now. I could buy another house with that money. I’ve seen it happen before, girls think that because they favorite pop star is famous, they can be famous too, and then they’ll get to be with said pop star. But more often than not, their talent is limited, if it even exists. And when they have one fraction of talent, they waste it in pursuit of said pop star. Their dreams get crushed, their entire world crashes around them. And who helps them gather up the pieces of their once vibrant dreams? No one, usually they don’t even grab them themselves. A piece of advice, if you will allow it. Don’t chase your dreams in pursuit of something else… Pursue your dreams for only the sake of pursuing your dreams. Always run forward, never back. And do it for only one person, yourself. That’s what I learned in the music business; it’s tough as concrete, while your dreams are glass goblets. They sparkle and can hold anything you can imagine. But when someone drops them, they’re gone. It’s a fickle world, takes its toll on you. Piece by piece you’re picked apart, and left standing there when everyone got a piece of you and all you’re left with is an empty shell, and sometimes, you aren’t even granted that luxury. So for that reason, only the strong survive in this industry, because they have the will to take back everything of theirs piece by piece and rebuild the fragments with their own perseverance. I wanted to throw up my hands and walk out. Fuck the weather! I didn’t want to sit back and watch another teenybopper feign talent and tell me, ‘I wrote this song for my one true love.’ And then I would say, ‘Oh who’s that?’ And ninety percent of the time, she would answer, ‘Only you.’ Because, for some reason, I only seem to attract the people that want a piece of me. The world is just one big ocean swimming with sharks, and I’m the little fish they want for dinner. It’s tough to deal with. I pulled out my phone and was about to call Chris when the girl let out a small cough. I turned around instantly. Nerves? This girl had some sense! I put my phone back in my pocket and turned to watch her. If she was nervous, that meant she new how important it was for her to be standing on that stage at that moment. All the hapless teenyboppers just run up with a bound and start, because they know they have talent.
She grabbed the microphone and brushed her hair from her eyes. Not that I could see them clearly, they looked like black holes to me, but, the look on her face, carried by the purse of her lips, must have been even more powerful up close. It was a singular motion, as if she was saying, nerves be gone! I am the master here! I discarded my bottle on a nearby table. What did I care? Chris had paid for it anyway… And I walked toward the stage. The crowd had died down; it was growing closer to closing time, so I managed to push my way near the front.
She repositioned the microphone with a slow labored motion and looked out to the audience, “I’ll apologize now… I’m not as vibrant as some of the acts you’ve seen up here tonight…”
Translation…. Gee… Well, I’m not gonna jump around and shake my butt in your face… Saw that one. No talent. Highly entertaining to watch. Would have been thoroughly enjoyable with ear plugs. And the one after that… And the one after that… And so on and so forth. Did Denver consist of only cover bands? No wonder I hated it!
“Anyway… I wrote this song for my one true love…”
Damnit! Too good to be true! I knew there was a catch! I started to walk away, but the shaking in her voice stopped me. Why was her voice shaking?
“Because… I lost the one person that was dearest to my heart and now I feel like I have no where to go… Like I’m directionless…”
Lost them? Then it’s not me or Justin or some other movie star or musician that emblazons posters in the music stores and on the internet? This girl was starting to impress me. Even if she did look like all her free time was spent fraternizing at the mall, not writing music. But… Even serious artists do that sometimes, right? But she had said she felt directionless… In that sense, we were both alike. But, she was much smarter than I. She took her directionlessness and wrote a song; I packed my bags and ended up here.
“So… That’s that.” She tightened her grip on the neck of the guitar and clenched her fingers lightly around the pick in her hand.
A few opening cords, sort of a slow song, but the beat picked up instantly.
Saw you on Broadway, standing at the bus stop,
Were you heading to your sister’s or her?
Can only see you smile in photographs…
Cuz I’m not in your heart no more…
Bought an alarm clock to open my eyes,
Can’t wake up to its pink buzzer now…
Tore my pictures from my wall,
And put them back up cuz I was all alone…
Nowhere! Not now…
Who was I standing in your shadow?
The smile on your face that you showed only me,
When I close my eyes, it’s all I see.
Up or down, left or right…
They all lead me back to you…
Can’t you see my heart breaking…
My baby, baby love?
They say… Pick up the pieces and start on your own…
Sure I tried that and guess where I got,
A drink in one hand and a new man every night,
Crossing my legs to protect what’s precious to us…
Holding my heart on a glass ball and chain…
Was that all it was to you?
Don’t you know I gave you my heart…
Because we were both all alone…
Nowhere! Not now….
Who was I standing in your shadow?
The smile on your face that you showed only me,
When I close my eyes, it’s all I see.
Up or down, left or right…
They all lead my back to you…
Can’t you see my heart breaking…
My baby, baby love?
I’m not like you! I can’t run away so fast!
Trying everything I can just to bring you back…
Getting caught in all your mirrors and traps…
Only fragmentary… I’m not like you…
Nowhere! Not now…
Who was I standing in your shadow?
The smile on your face that you showed only me,
When I close my eyes, it’s all I see.
Up or down, left or right…
They all lead me back to you…
Pictures on the wall…
Only your old smile to comfort me now…
Can’t you take down your mirrors?
I’m trying so hard, to right every wrong…
Can’t you see my heart breaking…
My baby, baby love?
The last chords… She put down her head and looked up slowly. Tears? She wiped her hand across her eyes and gave the crowd a brief smile.
“Thank you…”
For all intents and purposes, a girl gets up on stage, sings and then you say, well, good for you, you can actually sing… Where’s my beer? But… Mirrors and traps? Someone’s shadow? Wasn’t it always like that? An endless search for something… It was about the one person she loved the most, but it was also about her search for herself. I shot toward the stage, trying to get a hand to her, anything… Was I like a groupie myself at that moment? Seemed like it. My hand shot toward her and missed; how could I fall short? Me? Who got everything I aimed for. My hand dropped to my side. That was it, the one time I wanted so desperately to say something and I couldn’t…
“Wait!!” that was the first time I heard my voice all day.
She turned around, her eyes wide open like I was about to run her over on the road.
“You…” I stammered, “You performed well.”
“Oh…” her eyes fell downwards, “Thank you…”
Was that all I wanted to say? I clenched my fist and let out a low growl as she walked away again. “Wait!”
She turned around once more.
“I… know what it’s like to search for something you crave so desperately and not be able to find it…”
“Yeah…” she nodded and walked off.
Wait… Wait… Come back!!! I clenched my fist. Damn Nick, way to let the woman walk away from you. Was it the first time? Probably not? But it burned through my memory.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This story also contains language... You were warned...
