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I sat in the bathroom on the toilet thinking back to all the days I did this very routine. Sit in some generic bathroom, getting dressed for this event or that concert. Most of the time, I got so nervous when it came to those things, I would find myself standing over the toilet and getting sick. It still happened from time to time. Those were not the best of memories for me either, being sick on the road...alone. Well, not really alone but unsupervised I guess would be a better way to put it.

Just the thought of those days, brought the butterflies back into my stomach as if it just happened. That's how it always felt at first. Like butterflies. Most of the time those butterflies would fly away leaving me free to enjoy the rest of my performance, but sometimes they turned into monsters gnawing on my gut. That's when I felt the worst about everything. Being sick on the road. Throwing up in-between songs at some stupid nameless venue while people were yelling and screaming at me to get a move on instead of rubbing my back and telling me it would be okay. I gripped my stomach and took deep breaths telling the pain not to come. Not today, not on this special day. It's just a memory Nick, that's all. Memories can't hurt you...
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Come on Nick take a deep breath, relax and the pain will go away. I said with my eyes closed sitting on the bathroom floor of the hotel room that AJ and I were sharing. We had to be at the venue in thirty minutes which meant ready and waiting for the van. My stomach started to do flip flops shortly after dinner and I chalked it off as stuffing myself to full but it was more than that. I didn't really eat that much afterall. It was the bad pain, you know the kind I'm talking about, not the pain that would go away with a burp this pain was high in my stomach, the kind that only found one way out of the body.

Come on Nick, get a grip on yourself you have somewhere to be and you can't do this. I took a deep breath and stood up, the nausea overwhelmed me and I found myself heaving over the toilet. I hated to vomit more than anything else in the world. I hated the way it felt from start to finish. I cried. It was an automatic reaction. I always cried when I threw up, from the age of 6 months to now. I wiped away my tears and brushed my teeth before making my way out the door. I felt a sense of relief after I vomited and figured that was the end of it. Boy was I wrong.

"You are late again young man!" Lou said in a soft but firm manner. I looked up and tried to smile but couldn't bring myself to do it. Too much work. "Sorry" Was all I could muster. He was already onto talking about the concert and plans for the after party. I just wanted to go to sleep after the concert. Nick party of one. Me and the bathroom, best friends forever and always.

"Can I just go home after the concert?" I asked Lou with the most pathetic look I could make. Which wasn't very hard considering how I was feeling. He smiled at me, "Nick, what's the matter son, are you sick or something? You never want to miss a party"

"Yes, actually I am sick" His smile changed when he saw that I wasn't kidding. The guys looked disgusted as well. I couldn't help it if my stomach hurt all the time. "I'm serious this time guys, I think..no I KNOW it's a virus"

"But Nick, you get a queasy stomach all the time before you perform"

"I know but this is different. Oh never mind!" I sat back disgusted.

The rest of the ride went from bad to worse as I constantly fought the urge to vomit all over all of them, part of me really wanted too, but I didn't. I was gonna call my Mom from there and tell her to make Lou let me take the night off. No concert. I never liked to miss, but I felt terrible, this way I could maybe sleep in the green room while they performed and then maybe I would have enough energy to go to the party. Okay I had my game plan. All I needed was a phone.

As we walked up to the dressing room, I pulled Howie aside, "Hey D, do you have your phone with you?"

"Yes, why?"

"Because I wanted to use it to call my Mom" He rolled his eyes at me, what was going on around here! What was everyone's problem. "You know Nick, you can talk to her tonight after the show if you like but we are due on stage in a minute for sound check"

"Howie, please? Let me just call her now" He gave me a look and searched through his bag finding his cell phone. He handed it to me, "Fine, here ya go but don't make us late!" I nodded and quickly called my home number.

The phone rang....and rang....and rang...until the machine picked up. I laughed as I listened to my own voice explaining why the Carter's weren't home right now. I was a riot. "Hi Mommy, it' me. Nick. and um...I'm sick! Can you please call Lou and ask him to not let me perform tonight Mom, I really feel ill. I've been throwing up and I think I have a fever. I just feel gross. Thanks a lot Mom, I love you tell everyone I said I love them too! Bye" I smiled as I hung up the phone. Now I just had to wait for her call.

I trudged back up towards the stage where everyone else was already in their places for the first number. I didn't think I would be able to get through sound check but I would give it my best shot. I stepped up to the mic when I felt the worst cramps yet, I ran off towards the back of the stage and puked my guts out! If there was one thing worse than getting sick, it was getting sick on your hands and knees in a venue with stage hands and roadies looking on not phased. I stood myself up looking at the mess I created and walked back to the front of the stage. They were still checking microphones, couldn't care less that I was ill. At least that's what I thought.

"Nick it's your turn to speak into the mic" One of the tech guys said so I waltzed up to the mic and instead of saying sibilance like we usually did, I said "Testing...testing..I am as sick as a dog, did you hear me? I am as sick as a dog and I am NOT performing tonight!" Harsh I know but I felt lousy, have I mentioned? The guys looked at me amused. I wasn't laughing. I felt a new wave of dizziness hit me so I sat right where I was. Trying to take deep breaths to control my nausea.

Kevin walked over to me and sat by my side, "Hey, are okay little man?" Woah finally..Jesus Christ what does a guy have to do before he gets some attention? Die?
"I said I am sick Kevin, I just spewed my guts all over the back of the stage and I want to go home and go to bed, that's all I ask." I laid back but the pain in my stomach didn't allow me that luxury so I sat bolt upright. "Aw, I'm sorry kiddo, Is it really that bad?" Why didn't they ever believe me? Why?

"Yes, Kev, it's that bad! I asked my Mom to call Lou so I wouldn't have to perform."

"Why don't you just tell him how bad it is, I'm sure he'll let you off for one night" I looked over at him, maybe he was right, yeah or maybe really big panda's were gonna fly out of my ass! "Nah! It won't work"

"You'll never know unless you try" He stood up and patted me on the back. So I gave it a try, why not I was desperate. I jumped down from the stage and made my way to Mr. Pearlman who was in a heated discussion with a few business looking type people. I stood there waiting for him to make eye contact with me. He never did, so I had to do the thing that I sucked at, I had to try to interrupt him. "Um..Mr. Pearlman?" He ignored me, but the man he was talking to looked up and then acknowledged that Lou do the same. He didn't like being bothered. "Yes son was is it?"

"Lou, I um...I don't feel good"

"Nick, we have been through this before, I am sorry you don't feel well but you can rest after your duties tonight" Yes I knew he was gonna say that. "My Mom is gonna call you and tell you to give me the night off" He seemed amused by that, "Oh she is...is she?" I nodded. "Nicky, your Mom did call me and she said that I should do what I feel is best, and you know what that is?" I was distraught, I looked away. "That is for you to give the best performance you can give. Nick kiddo, your famous now, that's one of the sacrifices you have to make. Sorry" With that being said he resumed his conversation with the business guy. Leaving me to ponder why my own Mother didn't care about me.

Now I was dealing with two different pains, one in the stomach and one in the heart. I know it sounds almost poetic, but that hurt. I thought Mom would have at least wanted to talk to me first before she let Lou decide what was best for me. I started to walk back to the stage but my stomach and my feelings combined made me fly out of the room and into the bathroom.

When I was done doing my business I sat in the stall and cried. Holding my stomach and hitting the floor with my fists. I was so angry and tired of all of this shit! If I was offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to leave now and be a normal kid, I don't know what I would have done. Home was really like here wasn't it? There was no simple solution to this problem.

I was quiet for most of the time after sound check, just lying down with a trash can next to me, nobody said anything to me, they sensed the foul mood I was in. Howie walked up to me and sat down. "Hey buddy, how are you feeling?"

"Not good D"

"I'm sorry, is there anything I could do for you?" Yes have your Mom adopt me.

"NO that's okay Howie, thanks for asking though" He smiled at me and got up and walked away, "Wow! You really are sick huh?" AJ forever the master of the obvious! "Uh yes I am J!" I just laid there as now Brian had joined AJ at my side, "Hey, I have an idea. Let's get Hans to pretend he's Nick tonight. They will never know the difference" I laughed. AJ always made me laugh. I had to quickly turn to my side and puke again. Grossing out everyone in the room.

"Nicky if you are that ill, you shouldn't go out on stage" Brian said all humor gone from his face. Good now they were starting to get it. "I tried that already, he said no"

"Screw him then!" Kevin was mad. I couldn't help but feel good about that. If Kevin was mad than that means he cared. "It's not that easy Kev, even my Mom said I should go on" They all looked disgusted. I knew they didn't like her, at the moment neither did I. "I'm gonna go talk to Lou okay?" Kevin said as he felt my forehead. His hand was very cool to the touch which meant I had a fever. I nodded and closed my eyes. I felt someone place a blanket over me and was a little surprised to see it was AJ. "What? I can be nice to you know!"

I drifted off to sleep. We didn't have to be on stage for at least two hours, I was hoping in that time, either Kevin would persuade Lou to let me off, or I would feel better. I awoke to Brian gently taping my shoulder whispering my name, "Nick...Nick" I opened my eyes and saw concern on his face. I felt even worse, if that was possible. "I sat up suddenly feeling dizzy, I keeled over the side and once again let it all out. Brian never left my side, he actually rubbed my back which was a big deal for him, he didn't handle vomit very well.

"This is insane! He can't go on like this, he is gonna collapse or worse" Worse? Did AJ say worse? What did I look that bad? "So, I take it Lou didn't have a change of heart then huh?" I asked as I slouched back down on the sofa. "Kevin is still talking to him, but no it looks like you are going to perform, I'm sorry buddy."

I rolled over on my side and began to cry. Brian rubbed my back. Joined by Howie telling me that everything would be okay. I knew better though, I knew it wouldn't be okay. Not unless I was allowed to watch from the sidelines. "Okay there's no way in hell that boy is going out on that stage and that is final!" Howie announced to the rest of the guys. It was a nobel cause but I knew it was a useless argument.

To prove that point in walked Mr. Lou Pearlman and associates. I stayed with my back turned but I could smell him. He had a very distinguishable odor. Corn beef and Cabbage. Stinking boiled food. That's what he smelled like and when he came in I just about retched.

"Up and adam young man, times a wasting" I turned around to face him, my tear stained face coming into view, he gave me no sign of sympathy only impatience. "Lou, he is really sick. He can't go on tonight!" Howie said moving close to our manager with pleading eyes. "Oh come on Howie, I know he doesn't feel well but he will go on" D threw his arms up in disgust. That's when I took front and center

I stood up on wobbly legs and walked to him crying, "Please Lou. I never ask you to let me have a night off no matter how ill I am, well tonight I am making an exception. Please, I will do anything you want just please let me go to sleep please" The man Lou was with gave me a sad glance and then told Lou, "I think maybe you should give the boy the night off" Lou smiled at him but I saw underneath that smile. He was not a happy man. Not at all.

"We'll see" He said glaring at me. "Will you excuse us" He asked the man and I knew I was in trouble. The guy left and Lou stood not two feet away from me, cabbage firmly irradiating off of his breath as he spoke. "You will not ever do that again do you understand me? This isn't Kindergarten, You are going to suck it up and go on that stage and sing your little blonde haired blue eyed heart out! That is final!! One more word on the matter and I will take all of your per diems!" He turned and stormed out of the room slamming the door with so much force that the room shook.

I sighed, that's about all I had left in me. I wanted to do so much more, I wanted to throw a tantrum, maybe fling some glasses across the room, attack one of the guys but I only had enough strength to sigh. Howie walked over and hugged me, "Don't worry Nicky. We will help you get through this" I cried in his arms, "Oh my God you are so warm" He said. I just stood there and cried. "I guess I need to get dressed then huh?" He nodded so I moved to the bathroom and put on my clothes.

I stood over the toilet sweaty and cold. Wanting to just flush my whole head down there. I sat in the stall and cried. Having the hardest time even getting my arm in my sleeve. Hearing the roar of the crowd sound ten times magnified by the acoustics of the men's room. Wondering how in the world I was gonna get through this. Not wanting to get through it at all. Wanting to run home but yet not having anywhere to go...