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I don't know why, but after that day, the day when those fans almost knocked our van over, everything changed for me. I found myself afraid of people, sad and most of all lonely. I could have tons of people surrounding me, which I mostly did all the time, but still, surrounded by laughter and people shouting my name I still felt all alone. It was rough for me. Just thinking about it now as an adult, I can close my eyes and go back to those sad and lonely feelings. Too easily, which means they aren't completely gone yet.

"Whatcha thinking about Nick?" AJ asks me as I look away from the window and greet his question with a smile.

"I don't know, just the old days"

"Yeah, this week has made me get all nostalgic too."

"We've been through a lot together guys, do you realize that?" Kevin asked. He was always the one to keep us in check, make us realize what we had every step of the way. He has been the rock of this group. The rock that we all leaned on, God especially me. I leaned on him more than I even care to remember. He was always there, offering advice, or a warm hug.

As if reading my mind, Kevin joined me over at the window, placing his arm around me, "Yes we have been through it all, good and the bad. Right little man?" I nodded. Kevin was the only one who knew about my little breakdown in Germany. He was right there for every little agonizing step of it.

I closed my eyes and once again, my mind travelled back to the hotel, on a dark, cold night in Germany. Coming back from almost being turned over by a mob of frenzied fans, I began to lose it. It all became to much for me...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I didn't say much to anybody after almost dying in our van. I know I tend to exaggerate on occasion, but this time I meant it. If those people had managed to turn us over, we would have died. Simple as that. Kevin was pissed, he marched right into the suite we were staying in, and called Lou on the phone telling him about our little episode. Lou laughed, he said it was great publicity for us, this will make the young girls even more curious. He said. So much for being a big protective Papa. First evidence of how sleazy the music business is, ladies and gentlemen Lou Pearlman!

The body guards tried their hardest to keep us safe but what could they do, they were in the van with us. But Lou fired them, just the same. More for a dramatic effect than because of incompetence. So once again, we were left to fend for ourselves. I was getting used to feeling that way. It was beginning to feel natural to me, feeling like I was alone. No parents, No adults who cared anywhere in sight.

I was empty

That night, I had one nightmare after the other of people pulling and prodding at me, people claiming they loved me then turning into monsters. The guys saying they would protect me only to disappear when I needed them. I would call out for help, but they wouldn't show. Nobody did.

I jumped up from one nightmare and awoke to another, finding a girl standing right over me with a camera in her hand. More giggling was heard as three other girls were in the room with me. I jumped up and screamed. They returned the scream and while I was clad only in my pajama bottoms, they asked me for my autograph. I was shaking, "H,how did you get in here!" I demanded to know.

They didn't answer. Only shrieked some more. By now the sound of screaming brought Kevin running into my room. "Nick! What is going on are you alright?"

"Yes, just have some company" I said feeling a little more at ease with the sound of Kevin's voice. He opened up the door and joined us in my room. "And what are you ladies doing in here?" He asked them, now they had the nerve to sound annoyed. "We were just asking him for his autograph when he freaked out" One of the girls said.

"Well, you need to go, you shouldn't even be in here" He said ushering the girls out of the door leaving me standing on my bed, which is where I ended up like they were snakes or something, shaking and sweaty.

After they left, Kevin just stood there looking at me, concern evident on his face. "You okay Nick?" He asked me giving me his hand to help me down. I nodded. My heart still doing double time in my chest. "Okay, are you sure?" He asked me once again. I nodded. "Where's Howie?" I asked, realizing my roomie was nowhere in sight. "He went out clubbing with AJ. Do you want to stay in my room until he comes back?" Now I felt like a child. So as much as I wanted to, I said no.

The rest of the night, I spent with the lights on playing video games. We had a five AM wake up call again so I didn't even bother trying to sleep. The next thing I knew it was morning and I was covered and laying in my bed. Howie must have put me there, since he was now snoring in the bed next to mine. I walked over to wake him up, then I jumped in the shower, ready to start another day as Nick the popstar.

We had an interview for Viva Interactive that morning. It was a pretaped show to be shown later that night. We had to arrive at the studio by 8 AM which meant in make up and wardrobe by 6:30. They would be spending a whole hour with the Backstreet boys the new "Phenomenon" sweeping Europe. We were to sing two songs, take fan questions and get drilled by the host. Yeah that is gonna be a funfilled hour for me.

Just before going on the air, Lou pulled me aside and warned me to not say anything stupid. Keep my mouth shut unless specifically asked a question. Just grin and act cute. What I did best. What I did best? Funny I thought my singing was what I did best. We were ushered out on stage and there was an audience of about two hundred people, all girls, with the exception of a few guys who didn't look happy at all to be there, my guess is father's or boyfriends not having a choice.

I felt self conscious. I always did these days. Like the whole world was watching and waiting for the young cute one to make a mistake. Most of the time, they didn't have to wait long. I made many mistakes. People started writing that I was stupid, the dumb but cute blonde said this or the dimwitted youngest member said that. So the Backstreet baby said nothing at all anymore, only when asked, even then it had to be pried out of me.

We sang first, We've Got It Goin On, which went well, followed by the host asking us questions, he asked the usual stuff, nothing unexpected. Until, "So Nick?" My stomach turned at the sound of my name, I looked up from the floor and smiled at him, girls started to scream. Why? I have no idea, "What do you think about being considered a heart throb?" More screams almost impossible to hear what the guy was saying, all of my band mates looked over at me, waiting for my answer. "Heart throb?" I asked.

"Yes, you are a sex symbol, don't you hear all the girls screaming your name?" He provoked them to scream once again. I held my hands to my ears until AJ hit me. I looked over to see both Lou and Johnnie glaring at me. "Um.. I don't think I'm a sex symbol, I'm only 15 years old" The guy laughed, so did the boys. Was that dumb? I thought to myself? Probably. Everything I say is dumb.

Luckily after seeing how poorly I handled that one, he left me alone. I just stayed looking at the floor just praying that this would soon be over. During one of the breaks, Lou walked over and asked "What the hell was that all about? You cover your ears and then say I'm only 15? Nick you are not a child, you say yes, I'm a sex symbol, wanna have sex with me? Wink wink " Okay there were soo many things wrong with that I couldn't even begin to process.

If I thought that was bad, it was nothing compared to the fan questions, that's when my sanity went bye bye. It started off innocent enough, asking us the stupid what's your favorite color questions and the boxers or briefs question. But then I got hit. Hit hard and unexpectedly not once, not twice but three times in a row.

"This question is for Nick. Nick are you still a virgin?" I opened my eyes ready to answer, it wasn't the first time I had been asked, maybe the first time on TV though, but when I looked up, I couldn't say a word. It was Sheila asking the question. "Well?" She asked winking at me, I wanted to run from the stage, run and hide. "Yes" I said looking back down at the floor, almost to the point of tears. If I said no to that question, there would be no telling what Lou would do. The youngest had to also be the purest.

"Okay then, well if you ever need me to fix that for you" She said winking at me, while the crowd wooho'd in the background. I wanted to scream at her, NO YOU ALREADY DID BITCH! YOU RAPED ME REMEMBER? But I stayed quiet, I pretended to yawn so I could wipe the tears that were forming in my eyes away. I thought no one noticed, but Kevin's gaze told me otherwise. He mouthed are you okay? I just nodded.

Then question number two "Nick, I was wondering how you feel about being away from your family? I noticed AJ's Mom is always around but we never really see yours" I took a deep breath, trying to mask my sadness. "I miss my family" Was all I said. At least it was all I was able to get out. Question three was what really did it to me, well, considering I was already reeling from seeing Sheila there, this didn't help AT ALL!

"Yes, this question is for Nick, Nick I was wondering if you were gay. If not maybe we could try it together. What do you say?" An older gentlemen asked, he was creepy looking and Viva's own security was on top of that right away. "Cut that one off the tape" the host said giving me a sympathetic smile. I was beyond reassuring smiles though, I ran off the stage at that break, while they removed the creepy guy and I went into the bathroom puking my guts up. I felt a gentle hand rubbing my back while I vomited. "It's okay little man, there are some awful people in the world, don't worry about it. You're safe kiddo"

I turned to Kevin and just hugged him crying my eyes out, He was surprised but let me cry. "What's wrong?" He asked me in a whisper. "Everything" I said, I wanted to tell him so much but the stage hand banging on the door would have it wait. We would talk back at the hotel. I stood up and poured some cold water on my face. Kevin giving me one more reassuring hug, we walked back out to the screaming adoring fans.