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I stood with my back against the wall and had the sudden urge to curl myself up in a protective ball on the floor. The same pose I had struck so often back in those early days. The stance of a small frightened boy engulfed in a world where everyone surrounding you, refused to let you just BE that boy. Most people when they look back on their childhood searching for that one memory that changed them from innocent child to young man or woman, found faint pictures of a shy little kiss that escalated to so much more, or perhaps a late night interlude with nothing but friends, illegally bought beer and taking turns watching friends turn green from inhaling too much menthol from cigarettes.

My memory of the last day of being a child was laced with vivid images of a brunette named Sheila mounting me and doing things to me that I had only heard AJ brag about before. Trying to will myself away from her and back to my home in Florida where I was safe. Sheila pressing against me her weight far to much for my skinny fifteen year old frame to handle. Feeling suffocated and embarrassed while at the same time tingly and excited.

Innocence lost to a super model in some no-name town in Germany. People watching and laughing in amusement while she seduced the little boy. Some of the people looked disgusted, most enjoyed what they saw. Meanwhile the sweet smell of smoke hung in the air. When she was done with me, I didn't kiss her, she didn't hug me we just laid there, under the table. I was the one who broke the silence by asking her if I could go home now.

We never did finish that photoshoot. Fritz pulled me aside and begged me not to tell anyone about what had happened. He was afraid he would be arrested. We made up a lie about the shoot, saying something about faulty lighting or a broken lens or something. I was sworn to secrecy, I kept my word. I never did tell a soul about that night. I think I had blocked it out until now.

Press would ask me about when I lost my virginity and I said when I was seventeen to a Swedish girl, maybe at the time I believed it. It's funny because any other fifteen year old would have been bragging for years to come. Legend among his classmates for scoring with a model almost double his age. I wasn't a normal child though.

The memories that should have been held dear where no more than painful instances, in this case it was a tear filled ride back to the hotel. I had to get all my emotions out on that trek, because when I got back, there would be questions to answer. I had to act like it was a typical, normal day. Brian would be asleep at least. It was late.

I walked into the hotel room and found not only Brian but also Kevin and Howie sitting there on my bed waiting for me. They didn't look very amused...
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"Just where in the holy hell have you been?" Kevin asked me through clenched teeth. He looked very angry. I didn't much feel like dealing with it right now. I waved my hands trying to ward off the questions, when was I gonna learn that when it came to Kevin, that NEVER worked. I walked towards the bathroom and he followed me right inside.

"Um..Kevin..do you mind?" He closed the door behind him leaving the two of us standing there in the bathroom looking at each other. I kept looking away from him but when he didn't disappear, I continued with my routine. I grabbed my toothbrush and scrubbed, occasionally looking into the mirror to see the big intimidating man staring back at me.

"Well?" He finally said after I rinsed and spat out any left over paste. If I wasn't so emotionally drained I would have laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. Kevin always the drama queen just standing there expecting an explanation. Like I really had to answer to him. It was a double standard if you ask me. He always mumbled under his breath about NOT wanting to be my baby-sitter only to act like one every opportunity he got.

All I wanted to do was jump in a nice hot shower and wash the horrible night away. I was getting angry, "Kevin if you don't mind. I'm really tired, it's late and I want to jump in the shower before going to bed" He glanced at his watch "It's almost 2am. Too late for you to shower tonight. Why were you out so late anyway? Do the words midnight curfew ring a bell?" I sat on the rim of the tub rubbing my temples as he lectured me.

"You know Nick, we have some rules. You always have to tell somebody where you are going. You are just a child and Lord only knows what could have happened to you out there" I rolled my eyes at him. "And another thing, the attitude is getting old! We were concerned. You should be grateful!" I'm not sure why that set me off but it did. Maybe it was the 'only a child' remark who knows but I snapped. I charged at him with all my might knocking him into the bathroom door. He groaned as his back hit the wood.

The concerned voices of the rest of the boys echoed in the back of my mind as I continued to hit Kevin with all the strength I could muster. He grabbed me in a head lock and unlatched the door dragging me to the floor. The guys moved around us as Kevin, pinning me to the ground was yelling to Howie to hold my legs. I continued to struggle kicking at Howie or anyone else in my path. Kevin remained surprisingly calm. He had a firm hold on me and told me he wouldn't ease up until I calmed down.

"Go to hell, you son of a bitch!" I screamed as I struggled with him before just breaking down into sobs. Once I started crying Howie let go of my legs and the head lock Kevin had me in quickly turned into a hug. "All I want to do is take a lousy shower and go to bed okay? Why can't I just do that without all the questions?" I pleaded through my hyperventilating breaths. I heard Howie whisper "Should we call somebody for him?" Brian only shook his head no and sat next to me on the floor and rubbed my back.

When I calmed myself down a bit, I slowly sat up coming out of Kevin's embrace. He had a bloody nose and a bruised eye. He stopped me before I had a chance to apologize, "Don't. It's okay..are you feeling better?" I nodded. He smiled but he looked scared. Brian also looked uneasy.

"You want to talk about it Kaos?" He asked me through red eyes. Had I hit him too? I couldn't even recall. "No, I'm okay" I stood up and smiled at my band mates. They didn't know what to do. I had silenced them all, a triumph that should be proudly displayed. "I think I'm gonna go take that shower now" I said as I walked back into the bathroom leaving my speechless band brothers confused and anxious.

By the time I had gotten out of the shower, I had coaxed myself into feeling better. I even came out humming. Kevin and Howie had gone back to their room leaving Brian and I alone. I was hoping Brian would be asleep but I guess I knew he wouldn't be. I smiled at him as I jumped on the my bed pulling the covers over my head.

"So.." I resurfaced from the abyss of warmth when he said that. "What was that all about?" I sat up, "Brian would you believe me if I said I had NO idea?" He laughed.
"Something must have happened Nick, why were you out so late and don't say you were calling your family. I didn't believe it then I won't believe it now"

"Brian, I don't want to talk about it! Okay?" I pleaded with him and although I could tell that he wanted to keep pursuing the topic, thankfully it was dropped for the night.

The next morning it was as if nothing happened at all. Well that is if you could ignore the huge black eye that Kevin wore. It was sick but I was actually proud of that eye. I did that to a full grown man! Way to go Nick! We were back on the bus for the next few days doing a mini tour. I took a seat at the table and continued work on Shmedley. AJ came and sat next to me, "So, I hear I missed all the fun last night huh?" I smirked.

"Oh, it's that stupid thing again! what the hell did you call it?" I elbowed him. "The name's Shmedley the Great!" He laughed, "Great name. You are an odd one you know that Kaos my man? Definitely an odd one" Kevin took a place across from me so I had no choice but to face what I had done to him. I looked over at him and mouthed the word sorry. He just nodded. Not one more word was said of it.

They pretty much left me alone for the entire bus ride. Afraid that I would have another explosion. My drawing was coming along great but I decided to make some changes, I decided to get rid of the colors and make him black and white. He looked more menacing that way. The cape was replaced with a side kick. A lovely young woman who had the eyes of heaven but the soul of the devil. I called her Sheila...