I listened to the words that came out of Brian's mouth refusing to hear what he was saying. It became harder to deny when Kevin echoed those same words only minutes later. Could it be possible that we will end this group. This entity that has become our lives for the last ten years? It's true, everything they said. Sometimes it gets to be too much. Sometimes show business makes me nauseous. Sometimes I want to just go home and be a normal person. Sometimes I hate my bandmates. But the most important word in all of those statements is "SOMETIMES"....
"Howie, are you all right?" I look over at the author of that question and stare in silence wondering how he could even ask considering what the topic of conversation was only minutes ago. AJ continued on though,
"You look deep in thought or something. You know we were just pulling your leg right?"
"About what?"
"What do you mean about what? About saying the word piss!"
I think I knew that but I was still hoping that he was talking about this entire trip. Wouldn't it be the best if this whole journey wound up being the biggest most elaborate joke Nick and Brian have ever played on us. They would have had to set it up just right. Refusing to talk to each other in my presence. Culminating in a huge GOTCHA D!!! when we finally did arrive at our destination.
That's a fairy tale.
"Hey Brian? Why don't we stop and get something to eat?" I ask deciding that we were going to know our destiny before we hit that stupid cabin, even if I had to throw a fit and make him stop the car.
"Are you serious Howie? We are gonna be there really soon. Can't you wait?"
"No! I think we should eat NOW!" I didn't mean to raise my voice to the level I did but it sure did get the attention I was hoping for.
"Okay gee, relax man we will stop in a second," I saw all the gazes fixed on me and just winked and smiled.
"Thanks" I said almost too calmly. They all looked at each other and cracked up.
It chilled me to the bone the thought of hanging up all that we were. Not even so much that we could possibly quit, but how we were going out. We had such a tight bond. It seemed so silly. How we could go from where we were to where we are now. So silly to let the critics, and music industry win. We had so many people against us, right from the start. People saying they won't survive. They are plastic and manufactured. Fellow artists praising us to our faces yet mocking us when are backs were turned. Do we want them to win?..
"Okay D where the hell do you want to eat?" Brain asked me with that all too familiar condescending tone I had grown to hate. It's funny because He blames Nick for all of this but I blame him. I always have from the beginning. I guess that's just man's nature to have to blame someone.
"I really don't care Brian. I don't even care if there is food involved. I just need out of this car!"
"Well, if that's the case Howie, can't you wait for a little."
"No, Kevin I think D has a good idea, let's get out and take a breather. We've been on the road for such a long time now what's a little longer?" Nice going AJ always seeing things my way. The two of us have always had a special connection. That has diminished over this past year as well. Not as noticeable as Nick and Brian but still slowly melting away like this entire group.
Brian stops the car at a little rest stop. There is one picnic table and that is all. It almost seems tailor made for us. The minute the car stops, I shoo Nick out so I can get some fresh air. I begin to worry when I see that the two front seat passengers are just sitting there in the car; waiting. Nick and AJ make there way over and look at the view and I take a seat at the picnic table. It is early evening now and the sun is slowly starting to set turning the sky a shade of light pink. Stars peeking through but not quite ready to start their shift.
AJ takes a seat next to me never taking his eyes off of the view.
"This is a beautiful sunset" I nod in agreement.
"I guess if we are going to end it might as well be in a nice place like this" I say and am shocked to hear my voice breaking up as a tear escapes my right eye. I catch it before it can fall. AJ looks over at me and reaches behind me and pats me gently on the back. We are shortly joined by Nick who sits on the table, legs crossed pretzel style. Half looking at us and half looking at the sunset.
"So what now?" He asks as if either of us know the answer.
"Are they just gonna sit in there until we come back to the car?" I shrug at the young one.
"Well, then let's not go back to the car!" AJ and I laugh at the simplicity of his plan.
"We can't sit here forever Nick." I say half heatedly.
"You know what this reminds me of guys?"
"What Nick?" AJ asks knowing there will be some silly joke or story attached to it.
"The waiting place, you know from Ooh the Places You'll Go. God I loved that book as a kid. My dad would read it to me every night. This sunset and those trees remind me of the picture for the waiting place." He stretches his legs out and rocks them back and forth
AJ and I look at each other and smile.
I look over at the car and see that the cousins are having their own heated discussion. I look back at what is left of the glorious sunset and see that the moon has appeared in a radiant glow of orange.
"Hey Howie, doesn't this in an eerie way remind you of when we first met?" I try to think back to the first time I ever laid eyes on Alex. I laughed.
"Yes, we were at a picnic table after a talent show. You came up and started talking to me like we were old friends. I remember thinking what does this little guy want? You were so young and eager! yes I remember it" Nick looks over and I can see he is trying to come up with a mental picture. I gently grab his leg and say
"We met you about two months later," he smiled.
"No matter what happens guys, we were the first three. I also just wanted to say that.." He tried to finish but couldn't. AJ was not one to get all sentimental. Even though Sarah did soften him up. There was still a hard side to him. There was no need for him to finish because we both understood exactly what he was trying to say.
"Hey look the street lamp has kicked on!" Nick says as we all look up over our heads. The sun has all but faded from view to be replaced by a row of stars. We hear the car door open and I am happy to see Brian and Kevin walking towards us hugging each other. I think to myself this could be it. The last time we call ourselves the BSB. Another tear escapes my eye but only this time I let it slide down my face. I owe this group at least that much....
