I never was one to use public phones. The thought of having my mouth where someone else had just had there's never really sat well with me. It's the same reason that I prefer not to use public restrooms unless I absolutely had to. My Mom always wondered how I was going to make it on the road with as many little phobias as I had. She worried that I was getting in way over my head. She was right.
From the first moment I had been christened a Backstreet Boy until now, being away from home was the hardest thing for me to deal with. I was able to take the relentless hours of practicing and recording, but when it came time for me to pack I would cry like a baby.
When I had received that phone call from Kevin all those years ago, I had secretly wished my mother would forbid me to go to Florida. Then I could have lived my life out in the hot Kentucky sun always wondering what could have been but not ever having to blame myself for the choice. Mom and Dad though were supportive. Just like always.
I left home at eighteen years old and have felt misplaced ever since. A nomad. That's what I felt like. Never having a place to truly call home. I had many houses but none of them were homes. They were all full of unpacked boxes and clothes lying on the floor. Refrigerators empty except for a few scattered water bottles and boxes of Mac and Cheese that would never be touched. that's how I lived my life.
Before Leighanne...
Leigh became my home. It didn't matter where we were. In my tour bus surrounded by lot's of noise or in a small hotel room listening to AJ's trysts through paper thin walls. We had each other and that's all that counted...
I gripped the receiver of the pay phone trying to drink in all of Leigh's words. Telling me everything would be okay and it will all work out in the end. It became the same repetitive loop when our conversation went to the band. I held the phone as close to my ear as possible closing my eyes trying to make out every slight gesture she would give to her words. Just listening to her breathe made me feel better.
They took our cell phones away for this trip. I felt like I was twelve. It made me extremely angry that they felt they had the power to do that. What is sickening is that they did. No outside influences. That was the deal, so we surrendered our cell phones and two ways. It was most painful to me and to Howie. We both lived for those things. When I handed my phone over, I felt as though I was forced to give up a piece of myself.
We've all given up ourselves. Sold our souls for fame.
I turn my attention back to Leigh as she tells me she loves me. I echo those same words back to her and for just a moment, time stands still and the feeling of warmth overwhelms me. Then we say good-bye.
I hang up the phone and am brought back to my surroundings. I look around for the guys and see AJ and Kevin sitting off to the side at a picnic table. They seem to be engaged in small talk as they both smoke.
Howie is walking over by the rest rooms stretching and yawning the whole way. I think about going in there myself but decide against it. The phone held enough germs for the time being.
Nick is sitting by himself on the other side of the rest stop. He looks lost. The same look he had when he paid me an unexpected visit this past spring. When it all started to go wrong..
I remember the ringing of the doorbell and the surprise on my wife's face as she told me who was there. He came to make peace. I wanted war. He came and sat down in my living room the whole time fidgeting nervously before finally speaking.
"I just came to see if it was true, but seeing how you are acting; now I know it was." At the time I had no idea what he meant. "You told the guys you want me out of the band. Didn't you? I heard about it from a reporter but I didn't believe him. I should've though right?"
I was angry.
"Believe what you want Nick." That's all I said. We stood and looked at each other for a long time before he started heading for the door.
"I love you Brian, like a brother, I always will. No matter what happens." He didn't turn around to face me but instead just continued to walk out the door. He walked to his car while wiping away tears. He sat in my driveway in his car forever. He sat there with such a lost expression on his face and all I could do was stand at the window and watch. Leigh had come to stand beside me. Rubbing my back she said, "Aren't you going to go talk to him honey?" I wanted to, but I didn't..
Now he sits with the same look of sadness on his face and I start to take a few steps in his direction. I am stopped by a trio of young girls who run past me right to where Nick is sitting. He stands up to hug them and signs some autographs before taking a picture. As they leave I walk a few more steps his way and then stop.
I turn and head back towards the car as I say "Hey guys let's get this show moving. The quicker we get there, the quicker we get back" I look over at Nick as he bows his head down toward the table before slowly getting up and making his way towards us.
I yearn for home as he passes by me without so much as a glance. Another missed opportunity. I wanted to, but I didn't...
