Chapter 12
Sarah stepped away from a sidewalk hot dog vendor with a corndog in one hand and a slurpee in the other. She slowly headed down a path that led to the waterfront while Brian ordered a hot dog of his own. He paid the cahier and then caught up to Sarah who was now leaning against a railing gazing out at the endless waters of Lake Michigan. The Windy City lived up to its reputation as a cool summer breeze blew forcefully off the lake. The gust forced Sarah to pull her hair into a ponytail. When she was no longer at risk of getting hair in her food, Sarah took a big bite of her greasy dinner. “God I love these things.” She admitted with a laugh when her mouth was clear.
Brian returned the laugh. The fact that when Sarah had been given her choice of anything to eat she chose hot dogs and slurpees surprised Brian, but he absolutely loved that about her. Brian had been raised in a much more formal setting than Sarah. Not that he was complaining about the comforts he’d grown up with, but every time he’d seen Sarah she seemed so free and he envied that.
Growing up, Sarah was very shy but she never pretended to be anyone but herself. Now that she was back she was still the same girl Brian had always loved, she had just learned how to be proud of who that was and Brian found her more irresistible than ever. He watched her take another bite and then looked down at the food in his hand. He smiled as he took a bite, unable to remember the last time he’d eaten a corn dog. He’d never really been a fan of the greasy processed meat, but seeing how much Sarah enjoyed them somehow made it taste better. “These things are just a heart attack on a stick.” He laughed.
“Maybe so.” Sarah replied, “But they’re worth it.”
“All that time in San Francisco, I would have pegged you for a sea food lover.”
Sarah cringed at the suggestion. “Even if I spent my whole life there I’m afraid that’s one custom I could never embrace.”
“Still,” Brian said grinning at the sour face Sarah was making. “A great city like this with lots of fine dining and we’re eating corndogs?”
Sarah shrugged as she finished off the rest of her “heart attack on a stick”. Brian smirked and then said, “I have to admit you’re the cheapest date I’ve ever had.”
Sarah’s smile was gone when she was reminded of the hurtful things he’d said last night. “Yeah well you can’t exactly buy sushi at K-mart.” She said sarcastically.
“You know that’s not what I meant.” Brian replied a little hurt by the bitter remark.
Sarah sighed as she found a seat on a nearby bench. “Please let me apologize for last night.” Brian said.
“You did already.”
“Then forgive me.” Brian begged taking a seat next to her.
“Do you have any idea how much you hurt my feelings last night?” She asked sadly as she drifted off into a memory, “It’s funny, before I left, I never would have thought you were capable of behaving like that. I guess we both did our share of changing last year huh?”
Brian didn’t know how to respond. Sarah’s words shot through him like a thousand nails that left his spirit littered with holes. She was right. He had changed, and not in a good way like her, every day he became just a little more bitter and resentful. Last night he’d lost his temper and said awful things out of spite and jealousy, and he’d said them to the one person he never wanted to hurt. That was something that a year ago he couldn’t have done even if he meant to. Brian stood with a heavy heart and wandered back to the railing hoping to find peace in the calm water. “You’re right.” He said, “I’m not the same person I was a year ago.”
Sarah was surprised by the openness. There was obvious regret in his voice and Sarah let go of her hostility. She joined him in leaning against the rail, letting her arms rest only an inch or two from his. The pain he seemed to be feeling made Sarah feel the need to be close to him. She couldn’t help but feel a little responsible. “What happened to you?” she whispered sincerely.
“Life I suppose.” Brian sighed.
He lifted his eyes from the lake and was surprised at how closely Sarah had positioned herself next to him. He was even more surprised at her soft, understanding smile. Brian hated how she made him so nervous that he couldn’t think straight and yet he loved the way she made him feel. Sarah was trying to figure out what was going on inside his head. Brian was afraid she might see right through him and he quickly diverted his eyes back to the water. “I hate to sound cliché.” Sarah offered, “But life’s a journey. It’s always gonna take you somewhere. You have to decide whether you’re gonna ride shotgun or get behind the wheel.”
“Listen to you.” Brian said now unable to take his eyes off of the woman he admired so much. “So grown up now. I can’t believe the transformation.”
Sarah blushed but Brian held his gaze. Nervous energy swept through her body as a flash of him kissing her the night before entered her thoughts and she jumped back from the rail. She began walking down the path and closed her eyes as she took a deep relaxing breath of the fresh air. “This place reminds me a little of San Francisco, but it’s strange to see all that water and not hear the sound of waves crashing.” She said in an attempt to change the subject.
“It’s not quite the ocean is it?” Brian replied, “But it is a big step up from Whitmore Lake.”
“I love Whitmore Lake.” Sarah nearly pouted. “It may be little but it’s so peaceful. I remember going there when I was just a little girl, before my mom died. She loved building sandcastles. We would dig in the sand and get all messy and have to clean off in the lake before Dad would let us get in the car to go home. It’s one of the few memories I have of her. That lake has kind of been my escape ever since. I was worried that it wouldn’t be the same when I went to California but I discovered that the water is still the water.”
This was a side of Sarah Brian had never seen before. In all the years they’d known each other he’d never really talked to her and all he could do was listen. He wished she would continue on forever and tell him everything there is to know about her.
“I never knew you liked the water so much.”
Sarah looked out at the water again and smiled. “I love the water.” She continued, “In San Francisco there’s this pullout right after you cross the Golden Gate Bridge where you can stop and take pictures. It’s kind of a tourist spot but there’s a path that you can walk down where you have a better view of the bay. It’s not really marked and the tourists don’t usually know its there so it stays pretty quiet. Whenever I had a bad day I would walk all the way to the end of that path and just watch the ships sail under the bridge out to see. It was so peaceful, it always cheered me up.”
“So I take it you liked California?”
“My home away from home.” Sarah confessed. “You seem surprised.”
“Well it’s just that the last time we talked you didn’t seem to happy to be going.” Brian chuckled, “You seemed devastated actually, like it was the end of the world.”
Sarah laughed nervously as she remembered that dreadful night before she left. It seemed like ages ago now. “To tell you the truth I didn’t like it at first. It felt like a prison that I’d been wrongfully sentenced too.”
Brian smirked. He knew that feeling all too well. His entire life felt like that. “So then what happened? Why the change of heart?”
Sarah stopped walking and looked at Brian. “I found someone who inspired me.” She said, “Someone who helped me discover myself and discover life. He showed me all the things I was missing out on.”
Brian’s stomach lurched up into his throat. “You fell in love?” He asked trying not to let his voice give away his disappointment.
Sarah was surprised by the question but laughed hysterically “Love? No! No, it wasn’t like that.”
Sarah was too busy giggling at a picture of Lance having his nails manicured to catch Brian’s look of relief. “Actually, love is the main reason I didn’t want to go in the first place.” She said calming her giggles.
Brian looked at Sarah curiously and she smiled. “I was in love before I left.” She explained.
Brian’s momentary relief was replaced with sadness. He knew exactly who she was talking about and it killed him to think about it. “Nick?” he said in almost a whisper.
A year ago Sarah would have died before answering that question but she didn’t see the use in denying it anymore and she shrugged. “As long as I can remember.”
Brian forced a smile and started walking down the path again. Sarah stayed at his side peering up at him every so often as they walked. She was curious at the change in his countenance and was the first to break the silence. “What about you? Ever been in love?”
Brian froze as the words escaped her lips. He hadn’t expected that question. Being asked the question by the very person who was the reason for the answer was more than just ironic, it was torture. “Once.” He finally admitted.
“What happened?” Sarah pried softly sensing the soreness of the subject.
Brian couldn’t stop himself from staring longingly at Sarah as she studied the sadness in his eyes. He started to say something to her but then thought better of it. Nothing he could say would do him any good. Sarah was in love with someone else, and not just anyone, his little brother. She always had been and she always would be. Brian couldn’t compete with that and he knew it. He looked up at the sky. “The sun’s starting to go down.” He said, “We’d better get going. We still have a long drive ahead of us.”
Brian turned around and slowly headed back in the direction of the truck. Sarah watched the heartbroken man walk away with his shoulders slumped and his head hanging in defeat. He kicked a rock as he passed it and the sight of him nearly brought tears to Sarah’s eyes. Her heart reached out to him but she let him go. He looked like he needed a minute to himself.
Sarah stayed pretty quiet until they were well within the Michigan borders. The tables had turned and she was now the one wishing there was more conversation, but Brian had hardly said four words since leaving the city. He thought spending the day with her was what he wanted but she turned out to be more wonderful than he’d expected and it caused pain in his heart that he wasn’t prepared for. Finally Sarah couldn’t bare the silence anymore and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dig up any painful memories.”
“What?” Brian said snapping from his thoughts. “Oh no, you didn’t. I’m just… It’s just been a long day.”
“You want to talk about it?” Sarah said knowing that Brian wasn’t just feeling tired.
Brian glanced nervously at Sarah. He definitely did not want to talk about it. “Sometimes it helps to just get it out there, ya know?” Sarah continued. “I know I felt a million times better after I talked to my friend about Nick. I don’t know that I’d be able to help you any, but I’m a good listener.”
“I’m sure you’re a great listener.” Brian said nervously, “But there’s really just nothing to tell.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. You were chatty and playful all day and now suddenly you’re really upset.”
“Look I just don’t want to talk about it ok?” Brian snapped desperately.
Brian shifted uneasily in his seat and Sarah whispered, “Ok.” as she sat back in her chair.
She felt bad for pushing when she saw just how upset Brian was and she figured that the drive home would now be as cheerful as the drive over had been. She reached for her MP3 player and was about to turn on the music when Brian suddenly started talking. “There was this girl once but I could never tell her how I felt.”
Sarah set down her headphones. She was glad that Brian was talking but she didn’t expect he would say much more. Just in case, she gave him an opportunity by asking, “And how did you feel?”
“Like she was the only person in the world that could make me forget what was going on around me.” Brian answered heavily. “All my life I’ve done things just to make other people happy and I hate it. But I would gladly spend the rest of my life doing whatever I could to make her happy as long as I got to be with her.”
Brian took a deep breath and stared straight ahead. He was shocked by the words that had come from his mouth. They were words he thought he would never be able to say and yet he just spit them out without thinking about it. Brian didn’t understand how he could say all that to her and not be able to tell her he was talking about her. He wanted to. He wanted to more than anything, he just couldn’t.
Brian wasn’t the only person surprised by his honesty; Sarah was dumbfounded by the speech. She had no idea so much love was tucked away in his heart. And after seeing how nervous he looked she guessed that no one else did either. “Wow Brian.” She whispered in awe, “You weren’t kidding about being in love. That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. Why don’t you just tell her? You obviously still care about this girl.”
“I couldn’t do that.”
“Why not? She’d have to be crazy to turn you down after a speech like that.”
Brian felt his face getting hot. He knew Sarah was being sincere, but he also knew she wasn’t including herself in that statement. He shook his head more for his own sake than Sarah’s. “It’s too late for that.”
“Are you sure?”
Brian looked at Sarah and the way she was watching him was almost motherly. It was the exact opposite of the way she looked when she was talking to Nick. “I’m sure.” He said. “Besides, I’d never be able to get the words out anyway.”
“You had no problem just now.”
“And that was definitely a first. I’m usually no good with words. Sometimes I wish I was more like Nick.”
A dreamy smile spread across Sarah’s face when Brian mentioned his younger brother. “He is very charming isn’t he?” she giggled.
Brian frowned at the lovesick girl as gazed out the window up at the stars. “Maybe a little too charming.” He muttered, “It’s not easy being related to a teenage Brad Pitt.”
“Oh come on Brian.” Sarah laughed.
Brian gave her a confused glance. “You’re not exactly Buddy Hackett you know.”
Again Brian felt himself blushing. “I on the other hand,” Sarah laughed, “was raised in an auto shop by a man who only uses his iron to make toast. Could you imagine what Nick would have said if I’d have told him how I felt a year ago? Trust me, you have a lot more going for you than I ever did. If there really is as much love in your heart as you say there is a girl could only be so lucky to have it.”
Brian rolled his eyes although his cheeks went from pink to deep purple. It was the nicest thing any girl had ever said to him but he refused to get his hopes up. He was well aware that it would take next to nothing for Sarah to break his heart without even knowing it. “I’m serious.” Sarah said optimistically, “I think you should ask that girl out.”
Brian looked at her contemplating what might happen if he came clean right now, but quickly pushed that option from his thoughts and shook his head. Sarah grinned, “Take her for a ride in that gorgeous new Porsche of yours and tell her all that stuff you just told me. You might just be surprised at the outcome. All girls are suckers for that kind of stuff.” She said with a wink.
Brian smiled at the carefree tone in Sarah’s voice. “You make it sound so easy.” He laughed.
“Maybe it is.” Sarah replied.
Brian was about to argue when he saw Sarah yawn. “Sleepy?” He asked.
“Yeah actually.” Sarah laughed but smiled awkwardly when she admitted that she didn’t get much sleep last night.
Brian’s face dropped. “I really am sorry about Last night.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“How can I not? I feel awful. I probably got less sleep last night than you.”
Sarah was touched by the confession and placed a reassuring hand on Brian’s knee. “It’s forgotten, ok?”
Brian’s entire body tensed at her touch and he feared that Sarah might notice he was trembling beneath her. He glanced down at her hand and then quickly up to her face. Sarah looked him straight in the eye and said, “Don’t feel bad anymore, please?”
“Ok.” Brian croaked nervously with a slight nod.
“Promise?” Sarah asked leaning in just a little closer with a concerned look in her eyes. She figured he’d had enough hurt. He didn’t need to worry about her on top of it.
Brian swallowed a lump in his throat. “Promise.” He replied.
Sarah’s face perked up immediately and she gave Brian’s knee a soft pat before letting go. She then sank deeply into her seat and rubbed her tired eyes. “Why don’t you try and get some sleep?” Brian suggested.
“Oh that’s alright, I don’t want you to get lonely.” She teased but then yawned again.
Brian laughed. “I’m serious. You should rest. You’re exhausted. Don’t worry about me. If I get sleepy, I’ll wake you up.”
Brian was sure he wouldn’t get tired though. The amount of blood that was now pumping through his veins after Sarah touched him was enough to keep him wired all the way home. And the conversation they’d just had was more than plenty to keep his thoughts entertained. “I’ll be fine.” He promised, “You sleep.”
“Twist my arm.” Sarah finally chuckled as she brought her headphones to her ears and let her heavy eyes flicker shut.
It wasn’t until Brian heard the deep melodic breathing, assuring him of Sarah’s unconscious state, that he released a heavy sigh. He was sure that after today his want of her was going to be a physical need and he had no idea what he was going to do.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Oh joy! Bring on the sappiness! -lol... (It's late, sorry)
