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Chapter 16

Sarah stood hunched over the counter in the ladies room staring at herself in the mirror. She was desperate to figure out what was going on with her. She was flirting with Brian, almost shamelessly. Not that she was completely foreign to the act of flirting, but she had done all she could to entice him on that dance floor save pulling him to the ground on top of her, and that was very uncharacteristic of her. What confused her the most though, was how disappointed she felt that he didn’t try to make a move. “Nothing!” She vented into the mirror.

“What do you care anyway?” she continued to spout to herself, “You barely know the guy and you’re only here with him because his brother, the one you really wanted to go out with, wasn’t available. What the hell are you thinking?”

Sarah took a calming breath and looked around the bathroom suddenly feeling very lucky that there was no one else in there to witness her crazy emotional outburst. While she was in the bathroom deciding whether or not she liked Brian, Brian made his way back to his seat and kicked himself over the missed opportunity. When Sarah excused herself, the adrenaline left his body leaving him both physically and mentally drained, but his thoughts were still relentlessly eating away at him. He couldn’t figure out what all that was about and it was killing him. He could have sworn she wanted him to kiss her just now but how could that be?

Brian became a nervous wreck as he pondered the possibility of Sarah being even the slightest bit interested in him. Finally he came to the conclusion that he just wanted it so badly that he was just imagining something that wasn’t really there. He resolved then and there that the only thing for him to do was keep his distance as best he could. He couldn’t kiss her, he just couldn’t. The last time he tried it he made her cry. That was an action he didn’t want to repeat. He was so confused by just how well this day was going that he was scared by it. He almost liked it better when she hated him. At least then he knew where he stood. But the way she was acting now? It was all just getting to be too much for Brian and he felt he was doomed for disaster.

Back in the ladies room however, Sarah’s thoughts were running in quite the opposite direction. She was still very confused but instead of going with the whole keeping her distance approach that Brian was going with, she was leaning more towards the whole go for it route. Somewhere in the last two-minute conversation she’d just had with her own reflection, Sarah decided that she couldn’t rule Brian out. She wasn’t ready to give up on Nick entirely, but she’d tried so hard for so long to get over him and no one had ever come close to penetrating those feelings. Not until today. Sarah couldn’t let that go and she decided to be brave and give Brian a chance. Maybe he could be the one to cure her of her Nick sickness. So far so good anyway…

Sarah checked herself in the mirror once more and re-glossed her lips in a sweet watermelon flavor. She suddenly found herself a little nervous to face Brian again and took a deep breath as she exited the bathroom. When she found him, the two of them decided to go for a walk. There were both a great deal more nervous but each was so encased in their own thoughts that they didn’t notice just how quiet they were being. They wandered aimlessly through the festival grounds opting not to risk upsetting their full stomachs by going on the carnival rides. Finally they came across a hayride that would take them on a tour of Lansing’s historical district and they agreed that it sounded relaxing. They climbed up onto the wagon and Sarah was kind of happy to see it so crowded. Now she had an excuse to cuddle up close to Brian. She smiled warmly as she leaned against him giving him no other choice but to drape his arm around her. When he did, she nestled herself as tightly against him as she could, relaxing against his body. “This will be fun.” She said leaning her head back on his shoulder, “I’ve lived in Michigan my whole life and I’ve never actually seen the capitol building.”

Sarah smiled up at Brian and when he looked down their faces were mere inches apart. Brian had to swallow back his nerves. Sarah noticed the gesture and looked at him curiously. “What is it?” she asked.

Brian tried not to panic. What was he supposed to say, that it killed him to finally know what it felt like to hold her? Instead he said the second thing that came to his mind. “You smell good.”

Sarah grinned. “That’s my lip gloss, watermelon, it’s good stuff.” She said and then smirked as she added, “You wanna taste?”

Sarah puckered her lips playfully and Brian’s face went white. His brain screamed, “Oh god more than anything!” so loudly that it could have caused an avalanche in the Himalayas. But he didn’t kiss her. He just couldn’t do it, not when he knew nothing would ever come of it except a lot of sleepless nights dreaming about it. He again reminded himself of his decision to keep his distance and forced a laugh while he nervously ran his free hand through his hair. “Maybe if it were vanilla.” He said hoping she would accept the joke instead of a kiss.

Sarah laughed at his response in an attempt to hide her disappointment. She didn’t understand Brian at all. Sometimes when he looked at her it seemed as if he wanted her desperately. She’d seen that look several times, and yet other times it was like it was painful to be in her company. Sarah’s thoughts drifted to the girl that Brian mentioned before, the one that kept his heart locked away from the world, and she realized that right now she was every guy she’d dated over the past year; all the guys she’d gone out with once that never got a second date because her heart belonged to someone else. She may have decided to try and move on, but Brian obviously hadn’t.

Sarah’s eyes fell to her lap with a tiny sigh. Millions of thoughts went through her head but there was one that kept coming back to her. There was an obvious spark between them. If she couldn’t deny it, then maybe he couldn’t either. She thought, or hoped rather, that he was trying to get over this girl the same way she was trying to get over Nick. Maybe he just needed a little push; he was after all a very shy man. Sarah decided not to give up on him quite yet and attempted to get some conversation going again. She noticed a ring on his finger and casually, yet very much intentionally, picked up his hand in order to get a better look. “Is this your class ring?” she asked.

Brian looked down but his eyes focused on Sarah’s hand instead of the jewelry. “Yeah,” he sighed, “It was a gift from my father. I’m not a big fan, but I think it would hurt his feelings if I didn’t wear it.”

Sarah ran her fingers over the large gem. “I was accepted to U of M.” she admitted.

“Really?” Brian asked, “I thought you said you were going back to San Francisco.”

“Yeah, well that was the final verdict.” Sarah replied, “”UCSF is a great school too.”

Sarah quit fiddling with Brian’s ring and laced her fingers through his before letting their hands fall to his lap together. Brian stared down at their interlocked fingers. He may have imagined her wanting him to kiss her, but he certainly wasn’t imagining her holding his hand. The feeling was indescribable and no matter how much he told himself he wasn’t going to give in to his weakness, he was starting to crack. She was definitely not making things easy for him. He forced himself to concentrate. He cleared his throat before he spoke fearing that his nerves were going to make him sound like a fifteen-year-old suffering from puberty. “What made you decide to go with San Francisco?” he finally asked. “Don’t you miss it here? Don’t you miss your dad?”

Sarah released a heavy sigh. “It wasn’t an easy decision. I love Michigan and it will always be home, but my life is in California now. San Francisco turned out to be my escape. I just never knew how badly I needed to get out until I got there.”

Brian frowned at yet another reason to not get close to Sarah. It nearly killed him the first tie she’d disappeared from his life. The second tie was sure to be fatal. He couldn’t blame her for going though. “You’re lucky to have that opportunity.” He said, “Some of us will be stuck here forever.”

“That’s not true.” Sarah chided, “You could get out if you wanted.

“I don’t think so.” Brian said with an astringent laugh.

Sarah sat up and turned so that she could face Brian. Her heart broke at the sound of his defeated voice. He seemed to have it all together on the outside but when you looked into his eyes he was lost. “Brian.” She said in a soft pleading voice, “You’re 21 years old. You just graduated college. Your entire life is ahead of you. You can do whatever you want with it.”

“You don’t know my father.”
“You’re a grown man Brian. Your father can’t control you unless you let him. Maybe you should think about leaving too. Sounds like it’d be good for you.”

“What? You mean just up and go to California like you did?” Brian replied incredulously.

“Or wherever.” Sarah said with a gentle laugh. “Although if you came to San Francisco you would have someone to show you around.”

Sarah watched Brian carefully as he imagined a life far from Whitmore Lake. She smiled thinking about how much fun it could be to have Brian in California but Brian ruined that fantasy when he shook his head forcefully. “I couldn’t do that.” He said attempting to convince himself more than Sarah.

“Come on, you’re a Harper. You probably walked away from college with several job offers and glowing recommendations from the entire U of M staff. And knowing your family, there is probably a nice little trust fund somewhere with your name on it, so if you can’t get out of here it’s because you don’t want to.”

Brian was taken aback by Sarah’s reproach and he hated how right she was. “What’s holding you back?” Sarah asked sympathetically.

Brian had always dreamt of escaping his home but the truth was, he could if he wanted to, he was just scared. Something was holding him back. “It’s Nick.” He finally answered.

Sarah let out a single laugh and Brian wondered what was so funny about that. “It seems your brother is the key to both our fates.” She joked, “We both seriously need to let him go.”

“But I can’t do that.” Brian said.

“Join the club.” Sarah laughed bitterly.

Brian and Sarah both slumped back against the wagon and fell into silence as they rode through the rows of beautiful old buildings. Neither of them spoke again until they passed the capitol. “There you go.” Brian said, “Now you’ve seen it. Not that exciting, huh?”

“We both know what my issue is with Nick, but what’s your story?” Sarah asked completely ignoring Brian’s remark about their state’s capitol building.

Brian sighed. “He’s always been a bit of a pain in my butt, but I still love him. I can’t just abandon him. He’s so carefree and whimsical all the time. He’s kind of a free spirit, but it makes him sensitive. Without me there to block for him, my father would destroy him.”
“The way he’s destroying you?”

Brian’s heart sank deep into his stomach. He was unable to deny the accusation so he starred down at his lap too ashamed to even look Sarah in the eyes. Sarah hated to be the one to break the bad news, but Brian needed a wake up call. “When’s the last time you did anything for yourself?” she asked.

“Well there’s the business that Nick and I are starting.”

“And did you do that for you? Or did you do it for Nick?”

Brian frowned. “I’m doing it for both of us. I may never make much of a difference in the world and Nick isn’t exactly the most ideal partner, I’m sure I’ll always end up doing most of the work, but at least it gets our father off our backs.”

Sarah gave Brian a very unsatisfied look. “It’s not all bad.” Brian said defending himself. “At least its cars, nice ones. I’m as big a sucker for cars as you are for cheesecake.”

“Yeah but cheesecake, even raspberry cheesecake, isn’t enough to make me happy. This is your life you’re talking about here. Are you sure this is really what you want?”

“I don’t not want it.” Brian shrugged. “The job doesn’t really matter to me as long as I don’t have someone standing over my shoulder telling me how to live my life.”

“If you say so.” Sarah sighed, “But even still, that won’t be enough to make you happy. You’ve got to put yourself out there again. And by that I mean no more swearing off dating.”

Sarah settled comfortably back against Brian’s shoulder and with a smirk, gave him a little nudge. “You’re not as bad at it as you think.” She said.

Brian was relieved to hear the playfulness in Sarah’s voice and was grateful for the return of the lighter mood. “Oh no?” he teased back as he wrapped his arm around her again.

After happily adjusting to his grip, Sarah grinned up at Brian and said, “You’re almost as charming as your brother.”

“Almost.” Brian repeated sarcastically.

“He’s had more practice.”

“You’re biased.”

“Maybe.” Sarah chuckled.

At the risk of getting an answer he really didn’t want to hear, Brian decided to ask a question that had been plaguing him for years. He had to know Sarah’s true feelings. “What is it about Nick that you love so much?” he asked.

Sarah became quiet as she pondered her answer. It was a question she’d asked herself many times over. “I’m not sure really.” She said, “To be honest I hardly know him. I’ve probably spent more time with you in the last day and a half than I have with him my whole life.”

“Then how does he have such a hold on your heart?”

That glossy, love struck look returned to Sarah’s eyes and her smile turned from fun to almost sad and distant. “It’s just a feeling I get when I see him. I get so nervous and my heart goes thump, thump until it’s in my stomach.”

Brian smiled through his disappointment; that answered that question. “I’ve tired to get over him.” Sarah continued, “Loving him is kind of like a crutch that keeps me from living my life, ya know? At one point last year I thought I’d actually managed to forget him. But then I came home and he was there, suddenly back in my life. Then when we danced it was like nothing I’ve ever felt before and in a flash I was back at square one.”

“I know the feeling.” Brian mumbled.

Brian was in the middle of the best date he’d ever been on and the girl of his dreams was snuggled peacefully at his side holding his hand tightly in hers and yet after their conversation he felt that Hell itself would have been kinder to him. He was so relieved when the ride came to an end because he was simply tired of the torture. Luckily for him they had already seen everything there was to see and after walking back through the park they decided to head back home.

As they made the drive back to town Sarah knew why Brian was so quiet. She knew what it meant to be tortured by love and she wanted to help him get over it as much as she wanted to conquer it herself. “I’m not the only one who’s being held back by love am I?” she said when she couldn’t stand to watch him suffer anymore. Brian cringed at the question but Sarah didn’t let up. “If you really do love someone that much, then you have to do something about it. You have to tell this girl how you feel.”

“Wouldn’t do me any good.” Brian replied coldly.

“How do you know if you’ve never tried?”

“The girl I love is in love with someone else.” Brian sighed, “You know the way you feel about Nick? If someone told you that’s how they felt about you, would it make a difference? I mean just look at me. There’s no other girl in the world that could erase my feelings.”

“If that’s true then maybe it’s time to just forget this girl and move on.”

“Like you’ve moved on from Nick?”

Brian’s confession struck pain in Sarah’s heart. The first glimmer of hope in overcoming her heartache was officially gone and she suddenly felt sick. “I guess we’re both a lost cause.” She said pushing back the threat of tears.