I last saw Lizz that day when Kevin found me sitting by myself in the far ends of the hospital. He being the bright intelligent man that he is, convinced me that I needed to basically stake my claim about my feelings for her. I was a complete idiot for even thinking that things could ever be the same after fucking Vinnie did the unimaginable to her.

Sitting down heavily onto the couch, I reached for the television remote control, my fingers brushing against the pack of cigarettes that laid on the table next to the device. Automatically, I pulled one out of the wrinkled package and systematically lit the end.

Slowly drawing in the smoke, I could feel the calming effect it had on my nerves. What I ignored was my lungs still protesting the invasion of the tobacco. Smoking was one of the worst possible things I could do to myself as a singer but I fell into the dark snares of depressive thoughts and smoking was now my vice to get out of them.

As I clicked on the set I surfed through the channels and stopped at my security blanket, Mtv. Millions of hours were spent with my old friend and today wasn’t going to be an exception. The little sanctuary I had built for myself was interrupted abruptly with the phone ringing. I half listened to the answering maching as it clicked on.

”Nick, this is Brian..... pick up if you’re there.... *sighs* Okay, buddy if you’re out there listening to this, you have all of us worried sick about you...please call me to let me know you’re okay.....we care and things are going to be alright....um, okay? call me.”

I shook my head sadly as I listened to Brian’s voice begging for me to surface. I think his voice sounded sad, but why would he be sad? He was finally rid of me, no more Nick fuckups to happen again. That’s what those guys really wanted in the first place, I decided as I took a deep drag from the cigarette.

When a commercial came on the tv, my mind drifted and I caught the vision of the laptop sitting in the corner of the room sitting on the oak table. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes. This was where the whole thing started. My screw ups that led to nothing but months of pain and agony for everyone whose life I had personally touched.

A few years ago I had reached out to find solace while I was on the road, all alone while the guys went out clubbing or spent time with their girlfriends, I turned to the computer and spent time in chatrooms and surfing the net. I met so many people through the hours I had spent online.

I met Lizz online.

A smile spread across my face when I thought about the first conversation we had online. It wasn’t anything deep and serious about problems in the Mideast or the stock market. No, our simple minds ranged from topics from the latest N’sync tour to whether or not Britney’s breasts were real.

After a few online conversations, we graduated to some brief phone calls mixed in with intense online conversations that led way into early dawn. I couldn’t begin to tell you how many sunrises I witnessed sitting infront of a monitor chatting with her.

I fell in love with her almost overnight, I guess. There was something about her that I couldn’t just walk away from. We had some good times together online and some good fights too but that was our disposition. We were both grumpy, moody sons of bitches when we were cornered. Our personalities were too damn similar, as Brian always pointed out.

Lizz and I had gone from a literal hell and back over the past year. In my stupid mind, I had tried to take my life and I not only failed, I almost took someone along with me. It forever changed both of our lives, hell it changed everyone’s life that was centered around Lizz and I.

I screwed up and I had wished I could turn back time. The way I was feeling right at this moment, I would turn back time and do the deed the right way not going online and broadcasting my intentions. Not telling a soul. Letting them find me dead in my bunk on the bus.

The phone once again plucked me from my thoughts. I listened to the machine again.

”Hi Carter, it’s AJ.... pick up the goddamn phone you asshole!”

Okay, I honestly cracked a smile hearing AJ’s gruff voice barking at me. He definately had a way with words.

”I swear to god if you don’t surface by tonight I’m going to take matters into my own fucking hands.....*sighs* I’ll call your old man on your ass!”

That had me stiffen in my seat and I quickly reached out for the phone, fumbling it in my attempt to intercept the call, watching it crash to the floor.

“Shit,” I breathed. The machine shut off and AJ was gone.

I stared at the phone laying on the floor, my thoughts drifting back to Lizz. I mentally debated about calling her but quickly pushed the thoughts aside.

“Nick, you need to get over this,” I coached myself. “I got over Manda, I can get over Lizz too.”

My mind trailed back to the last day I saw Lizz in the hospital.....

Pushing the heavy door open to her hospital room, I found Brian still sitting in the wheelchair, positioned alongside Lizz’s bed. Her face was pale and her eyes were red rimmed. Brian didn’t look much better to me.

“Brian... Kev, I need you to leave, I need to talk to Lizz alone,” I stated, my voice brimming with nervousness.

Brian looked up at me, his eyes had that look of concern I had seen so many times over the past six months. I placed a hand on his shoulder as Kevin wheeled him by me and Brian reached out and gave it a quick, reassuring squeeze.

The door softly closed, leaving us alone.

I stood in the middle of the room, frozen in place. Scared to take a step closer, mentally deciding that if I dared take a step, the floor would give away and swallow me up into a firey abyss. Just as she did last time, Lizz took the first step in initiating a conversation.

“You can come up closer.”

“I know,” I replied, still standing in my same spot. In my damn stubborness, I wasn’t going to make any attempt to take a step until it looked like it was my idea and no one elses. Finally, I threw caution to the wind and walked up to the bed and quickly wrapped my arms around her.

“I’m so sorry,” I sobbed into her shoulder.

She didn’t say anything, but I could feel her her body shake with the cries she was holding in. After a few moments, she pushed me away from her. Her face soaked with tears. “I can’t anymore Nick,” she sobbed, her voice cracking.

I looked at her with a puzzled expression. “Can’t what?”

“Forget about me, okay? Go on with your life and just forget I ever existed.”

“No Lizz, I can’t” I argued.

“Just do it, I’m not good enough for you anymore, find someone that will make you happy to be friends with--”

“Lizz, I love you.”

“I love you too and that’s why I’m letting you go.”

“Please don’t do this to me Lizz,” I begged. “Why? Why are you doing this to me? To us?”

The tears slipped down her face as she shook her head back and forth. “Because I’m never going to be the same and you don’t need this in your life Nick. Just go on living.”

“No, please I can make this better, give me a chance!” I rasped.

She closed her eyes. “Please go.”

“No, Lizz, please hear me out,” I begged.

”PLEASE GO! NOW!”