He knew they weren’t proud of the person he had become. They were proud of the things he had accomplished, the fame and the fortune. Mostly the fortune. They mentioned the money many times, mostly when they needed it. They never spoke of things that really mattered. Things like “I’m proud to be your parent. I love you for your kind heart. I love the way you care about your friends, the way you love your siblings.” What hurt him most, was the fact they never told him they just loved him for the person he was, or the person he had become. They never looked him straight in the eyes and never said that their love was unconditionally, like they should. He knew why they never did. They just didn’t love him. They couldn’t, his parents weren’t capable of really loving him, or any of his siblings for that matter.
All that mattered was how much money they were making, how famous they were. Because more fame, would somehow lead to more money. They lived by that philosophy. It was the hardest for him, probably because he was the oldest. He wasn’t only responsible for his own life, he felt responsible for his brother and sisters as well. Since he seemed to be the only one who cared about them, about who they really were, not who they seemed to be. He cared so much that they ended up hating him for it. And now even they weren’t on speaking terms anymore. Nick couldn’t even remember the last time he saw any of them.
Finally, after what seemed to be forever, he opened his eyes. For some reason, he was surprised to see where he was standing. He found himself on the roof of some hotel in Los Angeles, not remembering how he got there or how long he had been up there. He remembered why though. The thought alone put a smile on his features. He no longer had doubts about this plan of his. This was the only solution, the only way out. Nobody knew he was up here. He made sure the others thought he went to bed early, because of the famous phenomenon known by all artists, which is called jet-lag. Ofcourse the others believed him, they had no reason not to. He hadn’t told him about any of this. They thought everything was just peachy keen.
Brian and him had a conversation about Aaron and that he was doing really well again in the music scene.
For the first time in years, Nick was very thankful for teenmagazines. They had helped in convincing Brian that the Carter-brothers were closer than ever. And the things he hadn’t read about, he made up. He had gotten used to using his fantasy, and the saddest thing was, his bandbrothers never saw through it anymore like they used to. Before, he couldn’t even lie about the smallest thing without them catching him. Now, he practically became a pathological liar to get through each day, and no one noticed.
In the beginning, he hoped they’d see how miserable he felt. That they’d just know, like in the old days. Nick waited for the day that Kevin would come bursting into his hotelroom and ask him what was wrong, demanding an explanation. The oldest of his bandmembers, the one he considered to be a father, a brother and a friend all at the same time. Nick hoped that he’d see the sadness in his eyes, hear the cry for help he held in every single night as he tried to not fall into the hands of depression, insanity or worse. But he didn’t, and now it seemed to be too late. Nick no longer cared though. Now, the youngest, the baby of the group, was standing on top of the Paradise Hotel.
The name in itself was ridiculous, just like A.J. had said in the elevator after they just checked in. He couldn’t agree more. He had wanted to talk to him about it, talk about his demons, because maybe he would recognize them, maybe he’d know a way out. Nick never found the courage though, simply because his brother was doing so well after all those years of fighting his own. Nick was scared of pulling A.J. back in, and he could never forgive himself if he would, so he struggled on his own, hoping the others would notice. Not even Howie did, even though he was the most sensitive of them all. He didn’t realize that the songs Nick wrote, the depressing ones, were about his life. Howie didn’t notice he never smiled anymore, not once. He had no clue about the hell the blonde was trying to get out of. Nick didn’t blame him though, he had his own life, they all did. Well, four of them did. Not him, because he thought he didn’t deserve one.
He didn’t care anymore though. Not about a damn thing, except for failing everybody. He had tried to make everyone that mattered happy, live up to all of their expectations of him, but he didn’t. He failed. Again. He looked over the edge, but wasn’t scared of how tall the building was. It actually seemed soothing, knowing he’d succeed. He just hoped they wouldn’t be mad at him, or worse, even more disappointed. He had tried so hard to be what he thought they wanted him to be, that he forgot they loved him for who he was. And now, it was almost too late.
He just had three wishes left, just like in the fairytale. Again, how ironic. The first was that his brothers would not hate him, the second one that they’d find the letters before they’d find him. And third, he hoped that somehow, in fifty years or so, they’d still love him enough to remember him for the good kid he once was.
He rubbed his face and knew it was time. The time had come for Nickolas Gene Carter to check out and leave. His thoughts were so focused on his mission, that he didn’t hear the door behind him slam against the wall next to it, followed by several shouts by the people he once, and secretly still, considered to be his best friends, his family. Nick didn’t hear the booming footsteps coming closer as he jumped forward, he didn’t feel the hand that grabbed his T-shirt. Kevin screamed as he felt the fabric slipping out of his hands, and only then did Nick hear their voices, crying “Nooo..”.
And as he fell faster and faster, he realized he made a mistake.
By then it was too late.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This came to me in the middle of the night.. and for some reason, I just had to write and post it immediately..
