I glanced up when I heard someone coming through the door, seeing Kevin supporting what seemed to be a very exhausted AJ. Both of their eyes were puffy and red, indicating that they were crying, but what I didn’t get was why Kevin was holding AJ up, was he hurt or something?

I quickly rose from my seat and made my way over to them, “What happened? AJ, are you okay?”

Kevin quickly answered for him, “He’s fine, where’s Howie?”

I found it extremely odd for Kevin to be answering for AJ, but I just pushed it aside. “He stepped outside for a while, he’s talking to his mom on the phone.” The more I stared at AJ, the more I began to realize that he looked a lot like he did when he returned to his hotel room after a late night of partying years ago.

“What do you want to do?” Kevin whispered to AJ.

AJ, looking tired and weak, replied softly, “I just want to go to sleep Kev…”

Kevin nodded and continued walking AJ further into the house, heading him right into one of Howie’s guests rooms. There was so much questions running through my head at that moment, and most of them would remain unanswered, or at least for now.

Howie walked back into his house, shoving his cell phone into his pocket. “Who just came in?”

“Kevin and AJ.” I replied, glancing back at him, but fixating my gaze back onto the room both Kevin and AJ disappeared into.

Howie walked up from behind, following my line of sight. “What happened?”

I sighed heavily and shrugged, “I’m not sure, Kevin wouldn’t tell me anything. They both walked in, looking like they were crying and AJ looked…” I paused, wondering if I should tell him how AJ appeared to me. “he looked sick or something.”

“Is he alright?” he questioned again, making a start towards the room I was staring at.

I quickly placed my hand on his shoulder, stopping him before he could proceed any further. “He’s fine.”

Howie just stared at me, but didn’t say anything more; he knew better than to press on. We both stood there in silence and anticipation, wondering if Kevin would even emerge from the room. After what seemed like hours, Kevin finally came out, looking weary and exhausted.

We both just stared at him, probably looking like little lost kids. He walked up to us and remained silent. Finally, he relieved a heavy sigh and wiped his hand over his face, which looked like it aged about twenty years. “He started… again.”

I could only turn and look away in disbelief, my suspicions proven correct. Howie, on the other hand, glanced between Kevin and I, looking confused as ever. “What are you talking about? What happened?”

Kevin took a deep breath in, looking hesitant to relay us the story, but did so anyway. “I went to his house and found him in the dark. Everything was destroyed and I had found bloody handprints on the floor and wall, but I… he was huddled in the corner of his house, bawling and just apologizing to me. I was confused at first, but when I turned on the lights, I found out the reason he was apologizing to me. He was heavily drunk, a half empty bottle of Jacks still in hand.”

This couldn’t be happening. I glanced over at Howie, who stood there with his mouth agape and a look of disbelief. Kevin continued, “I tried talking to him, asking him why he felt as if alcohol was his last resort, but of course he wasn’t hearing any of it. All he did was sit there and tell me how weak he was, and apologize for not being stronger. Then he started yelling at me, telling me to tell him that he was nothing, that he was dead to me… to tell him that he didn’t deserve to be here. He went on to say that he was broken and shattered… and there’s no way he could be fixed, not this time.”

After Kevin was done, we just all remained in silence, staring at each other, as if waiting for one of us to come up with an answer, but nothing was said. “So, what do we do now?” I finally asked. “Is it best if we set him up with AA meetings again?”

“I don’t know.” Kevin sighed. “He’s still seeing his shrink, so maybe we could advise his psychiatrist what’s going on and convince AJ to go and see him more often.”

“Until then?” Howie asked, leaving the statement open for Kevin to finish it.

“Until then… we keep an eye out on him. Make sure that he doesn’t gain access to any drug or alcohol substance.”

I hadn’t said anything for the longest, still having a hard time digesting the fact that AJ had given it all up, thrown everything he worked so hard for away in a heartbeat because he felt like he wasn’t strong enough.

Kevin had turned and began walking away from us. “Where are you going?” I asked.

“I’m gonna go call his shrink, let him know what happened and set him up for an appointment.”

“You don’t think we would be moving a little too fast for him? He might take it the wrong way if we do this behind his back and he’ll just shut us out all at once.” Howie voiced.

“Well, I don’t know then!” Kevin exclaimed, taking both Howie and I aback. “I don’t know what to do anymore Howard…” he continued on. I winced upon hearing him use Howie’s full name. I glanced over at Howie, he didn’t like hearing Kevin say his full name either. “I’m trying my best here to keep everything on an even keel, and it seems like no matter what I do it’s never enough!” he collapsed down on the seat, burying his head in his hands. “I’m always hurting someone or making the situation worse than it already is.”

I quickly made my way over towards Kevin, kneeling down before him. “You think what’s going on with AJ is your fault, don’t you?”

Kevin refused to look up at me, he just kept his head in his hands. “If I hadn’t yelled at him Brian… and told him to just leave… none of this would’ve…”

“No Kevin,” I interjected. “this was bound to happen one way or another. If you’re at fault, then we all are because we chose to ignore the signs. I’m sure we all had a feeling that AJ would travel down this road yet again sometime soon because of what we’re all going through. Ever since…” I paused, trying to think of what I was trying to say. “that accident has changed us all, and sadly it wasn’t for the better. We all chose to ignore the fact that Alex wasn’t alive in AJ anymore… his old ways had resurfaced, where he chose to always run away from everything, where his guards were at an all time high and his insecurities were extremely low, leaving him vulnerable to anything and everything. We went on thinking that as long as he saw his shrink, everything would be okay, he would be okay. We were forcing him to face the past for crying out loud, something he wasn’t ready to do, but something we thought would be best for him. So, if you’re gonna take the blame for this, then we all should too. We’re just all realizing for the first time that this is something we saw coming… but didn’t do anything to stop it. But you know what, I’m glad that it’s happening now, because it’s making us realize something we’ve been keeping ourselves blind to this whole time. But we can’t dwell in the past or what could’ve happened… we have each other, and all we have is right now, this moment… and we gotta grasp it while we still can. We all make mistakes… but it’s never too late to learn and change from it.”

Kevin glanced up at me, unshed tears wallowing within his eyes. I could only smile at him and had grabbed him in a hug, letting him cry on my shoulder. “Don’t ever for a second think that this is all your fault… you came back to us to help close what we’re all going through, you’ve been so strong for all of us, but even Superman needs a break.” I heard him chuckle. “This is not our fault, this is not God’s fault, and I’m beginning to realize that it’s not even Jeffery’s fault.” I felt him tense within my arms, feeling the loathe and hatred he had for that man radiate off him. “This is simply an obstacle we must overcome. It’s an obstacle I never want to face ever again in my life, and it’s something I never want to wish upon anybody, but going through this has…” I paused for a long moment. “I’ve never felt so real in my life Kevin. Just because we’re the Backstreet Boys, doesn’t mean we’re untouchable or unstoppable… but it has helped me to discover that no matter what happens to us, we’re unbreakable. Our faith, our spirit, our will… our souls will never be broken. We’re only human Kevin…” I made sure to look him in the eyes before I finished off, “life does happen to us.”