I walked into the room quietly, first aid kit in hand. I could see his dark silouhette in the middle of the bed, still sleeping. Sighing heavily, I made my way over to the bed and had situated the kit down on the small bedside table. Kevin wanted to come back in the room to clean AJ’s hands, but I ushered him to bed and told him that I would take care of it instead, you could tell he was drained from today’s events.

I clicked on the the small lamp that was on the table and fixed it so the light was shining down on AJ’s hands. I glanced up at him and just studied his sleeping features; at that moment he looked so raw and real, like the little Alex I’ve known him to be. Seeing him like this made it even harder to believe that he even glanced at a bottle of Jack Daniels, which made it all the more real that deep within him, he was silently battling with his inner demons.

Shrugging the thoughts out of my head, I grasped his left hand and studied it under the light; the flesh was tainted with a dark crimson red, but underneath it all his hands were purple and extremely swollen. I took a closer inspecting and noticed that there were shards of glass that were imbedded into his skin, but nothing that couldn’t be removed.

Taking a deep breath in, I placed a towel underneath his left hand and pulled out hydrogen peroxide from the first aid kit. I poured it over his whole hand, watching as it fizzed and bubbled in various area where the skin was torn open. Immediately AJ began to stir, wincing slightly and trying to pull his hand away from the cause of his discomfort.

“Hey.” I whispered, grasping his wrist a little more tightly so he wouldn’t pull away from me. “Don’t move… I know it burns, but just try to stay still, okay?”

I looked up at him to see if he was awake and was registering everything I was saying. His eyes were scrunched closed, but I could tell that he was indeed conscious.

“Alex.” I warned when he tried to pull away from me again. “I’m cleaning your hands right now, okay? I need you to stay still while I do this.”

AJ’s eyes finally fluttered open, but quickly closed once again due to the harshness of the light; that couldn’t be good for the state he was in. Slowly, he opened his eyes once again, looking around the room in confusion.

“Where… where am I?” he asked, his voice groggy.

“We’re back at my house.” I answered. “How you feeling?”

He groaned as he tried to sit up against the headboard. “Like I’ve been hit by a mac truck…”

“Well, you should after pulling that stunt.” I muttered under my breath. I didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but I was angry and hurt at the fact that he turned back to alcohol, something that was so close to claiming his life.

“What?” he asked me.

I glanced up at him, wondering if he heard what I had said. “Nothing.” I tried to brush it off.

“No, you said something Howie.” he said a bit firmly. “What happened?”

My eyes widened upon hearing him ask me that, and I looked up at him to see if he was serious. He was. “You don’t remember anything?”

He sighed heavily, “Obviously not if I’m asking you. Why do I feel… like shit?”

My anger resolved into concern, wondering if this was the affect from the alcohol or something deeper and far more dangerous. Visions of the accident began playing through my mind again, from what had happened to us to discovering that AJ had lost his memory. I remember the doctors saying that he should be able to gain his memory back in episodes, but they never mentioned that he would suffer any neurological problems later down the line.

“Howie?” he called out to me.

I snapped out of my trance, “Yeah?”

“What happened?” he repeated.

I began to chew on my bottom lip, unsure if I should tell him what he did. I mean, I didn’t even understand myself if his loss of memory was due to the alcohol or his brain. “Alex, I…”

“D., just tell me.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, “You were drinking, Alex…”

I slowly opened my eyes to see his reaction, sighing a bit when I didn’t get one. He simply stared at me as if he didn’t understand what I just said.

“Drinking?” he asked me. “Drinking what? Drinking soda or something?”

My heart dropped hearing him ask me that. Not for a second did he think I was referring to alcohol, and that’s when I realized that the man that lay before me was Alex, or at least Alex trying to come back to us. In Alex’s mind, alcohol didn’t exist, nor did the fact of him giving any kind of addictive substance a second glance. In Alex’s mind, alcohol and drugs wasn’t in his life.

He glanced down at his hands that I was still busy cleaning, “There’s no way in hell drinking soda could get me feeling like this, or end up like this, cause if that’s the case I-”

“You were drinking Jack Daniels.” I interrupted him.

I was staring at him when I finally revealed to him what he had been drinking, and the reaction I got completely broke my heart. His eyes were wide and his mouth fell ajar, looking like a little lost child, confused and scared. He began shaking his head, as if telling me that there was no possible way that happened, and I could only stare at him helplessly, as if telling him yes… it did happen.

“Why didn’t you stop me?” he whispered.

I was taken aback at hearing him blame me. “I wasn’t with you… do you remember anything at all?”

Instead of answering my question, he continued to ramble on. “How… how did that happen? I was doing so good, and then this… Howie, please tell me that didn’t happen, please…”

He pulled his hands away from me, and this time I let go. He held his hands out in front of him, observing his bloody and bruised hands. “Why wasn’t no one there to stop me…” he asked softly to himself. “Why didn’t I stop myself?” after he got that out, he broke down crying.

I could only sit there and stare at him, not sure what to do. Between Kevin’s story and what was going on now, I was extremely confused. Hesitantly, I reached out to try to console him, happy that he didn’t pull away from me. I climbed into the bed with him and sat beside him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him towards me. He quickly buried his head into my chest, and I could feel his tears seeping through my shirt.

“Was I not strong enough?” he sobbed out. “I came this far Howie… tell me I didn’t do it…”

I chose to remain silent, I didn’t know what I could possibly say to him to comfort him. We sat there for the longest, him crying on my chest while I just held onto him. He finally pulled away, his tears had stopped flowing.

“I came this far for nothing…” he mumbled. “all the years I’ve stayed sober has gone down the drain, just like that.” he was staring straight ahead. He released a maniacal chuckle and just shook his head, “I can’t believe I did this.”

“Alex,” I voiced out for the first time, “we all make mistakes… we’re not perfect.”

“But I was trying Howie… you believe me, don’t you?” he asked me, looking me straight in the eyes, his brown orbs wide and watery. “I was trying so hard to be perfect, to be the person I should be… I was trying so hard keeping myself from making the same mistakes, because I did learn from it Howie, I did. This… this can’t be…” he paused for a while, and just looked up above. “God, do you hate me?” he cried out. “Why are you doing this to us? Why are you doing this to me?”

I was at a loss of words, I can’t say this enough, but I seriously didn’t know what to do. He tore away from me and had jumped out of the bed. “Where are you going?” I asked him.

“You guys must hate me, huh?” he asked in a bitter tone, and that’s when I saw Alex resolving away, being replaced by someone I didn’t know.

I was out of the bed now. “We don‘t hate you Alex.”

“Why not?” he asked me in a small voice. “God hates me.”

I don’t know what possessed me to do so, but I snapped. “Are you listening to yourself Alex? Do you hear what’s coming out of your mouth? How dare you stand here and place the blame all on God, how dare you!” I yelled.

AJ’s eyes widen, obviously shocked at the way I exploded, but I wasn’t done. “The only person you can blame is yourself Alex, you’re the one that picked up that damn bottle, no one was holding a fucking gun to your head!” he winced upon hearing me swear. Out of all the guys, Brian and I rarely swore, and when we did it was because we were extremely upset or being dead serious. “You need to stop thinking that everyone hates you and stop trying to make everyone hate you. The whole world is not out to get you, but you sure make it seem that way. We’re trying so hard to help you here, I’m trying so hard Alex…” I felt tears trickling freely down my face, but I did nothing to stop them. “but I’m seriously at a loss with how to help you. I don’t know what to do anymore… I wish I could take all your pain away, I wish I could prevent you from getting hurt all the time, but I can’t. I can only be here to catch you when you fall. You sit here saying you’re not strong enough, that’s bullshit Alex, and you know it. You’ve been through so much and you overcame it all, how is that not strength? And let me tell you something, through all those trials and tribulations, you know who’s been there with you the whole time? It was God Alex, the very one you’re blaming everything on. He was there for you when we weren’t. Where has your faith gone? Where have you gone Alex?”

I stood there, heaving and sobbing while AJ just stared at me, letting everything I said register within his mind.

“I… I wish I knew.” he finally whispered. “I don’t know what’s going on anymore Howie, and that scares me. I wish I could tell you exactly how I’m feeling, but the thing is I don’t even know anymore. I seriously don’t know where the old me has gone, but… I know I don’t like what I’m becoming. I know you guys are trying so hard to help me, and I’m really sorry with what I’m putting you all through, I’m just…” he started bawling again, “I’m so confused Howie… I don’t know anything, what I’m doing, what I’m becoming… everythings hurts so bad, and I just want it to all end already.”

I walked up to him and embraced him in the tightest hug I could muster. His body shook from the force of sobs, but I just held onto him and continued to cry. “Everything will end, in time.” I told him. “You need to give it time Alex… stop trying to rush it and go at this all alone. You’re not alone. We’ll make it through this… you’ll make it through.”

“How can you be so sure? I picked up again Howie… and I could’ve swore I was making it through.”

“Because…” I paused, grasping his face in my hands and forcing him to look me in the eyes. “you’ve come this far to let it all go. And just because you slipped up, doesn’t mean you can’t get through this. You can and you will… and it’s because you’re strong. You are strong Alex… the strongest person I know. It takes a lot to come face-to-face with your dark past again and being able to walk away from it… again. What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger Alex. You’re still here buddy… and that’s how I know you’ll make it, that’s how I know you’re strong enough. Everything happens for a reason, no matter what challenges we may face, it was all for a reason. Just know that God never gives you more than you can handle…you’re still standing Alex… you’re still standing.”

AJ smiled, and that’s when I saw Alex shining through once again. “Thank you.” he whispered, grabbing me into a hug. “God, thank you Howie…”

“I’m here for you Alex…” I whispered back, “we’re here for you, and we’re not going anywhere. We love you man.”

We stood there for what seemed like forever in that hug, refusing to let each other go. AJ finally broke away though, and tried to wipe away his tears with the back of his hands, but ended up wincing instead.

“Thanks to the tearfest, I forgot that my hands were mangled.” he said with a laugh.

I chuckled as well, “It was something we needed. Now, come and sit back on the bed so I can finish cleaning it.”

He sat down and had placed both of his hands under the light. “I’m gonna have to pour hydrogen peroxide on your left hand again.” I informed him.

He cringed, “You did it already, why do you have to do it again?”

“It’s been exposed to the dirty air for too long.” I glanced up at him and saw him biting his bottom lip, I couldn’t help than to laugh. “C’mon Jay, I’d expect this kind of reaction from a kid, but coming from a grown man that’s covered in tattoos?”

“Shutup.” he muttered, laughing as well. “Just hurry up and get it done and over with.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I still have to do this with your right hand.”

“How the hell is that suppose to make me feel better?” he groaned. “I mean, whatever happened I obviously wasn’t thinking and couldn’t feel anything, but now I’m beginning to feel the onslaught of… SON OF A BITCH!!” he screamed out.

I tried to hold in my laughter, “You were doing fine when you were sleeping, maybe I should come back and finish this when you’re asleep.”

“If you haven’t forgotten, it did wake me up.” he seethed. “Like I was saying, I didn’t feel the pain before, but I’m definitely feeling it now.”

“Well, hopefully this gets you to think twice the next time you decide to take on your house.”

“What happened to my house?” he asked me in all seriousness.

The light mood had completely left me as well, leaving me to dwell within my earlier thoughts. “You, um… trashed it.”

“Oh.” was all that he said in reply.

After that, nothing was said between us. As I finished dressing his hands, my mind began to wander back to my earlier thoughts, of AJ experiencing a slight memory loss and wondering if it was due to the alcohol or his brain. And the more I thought about it, the less I was beginning to think it was an affect of the alcohol. It was slowly becoming clear to me that AJ might be suffering from a neurological problem, almost relating to schizophrenia.