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December 9, 2006

Everything has changed. Just about two months ago we had a meeting with the five of us, Johnny and the rest of the Jive team. Before entering the meeting, Kevin had pulled me to the side and had told me beforehand what the meeting was going to be about and what his intentions were. He wanted to leave the band, he had other more important things to attend to. I was left in shock, I was convinced that he was leaving because of what happened to us well over a year ago, but he assured me that wasn’t the case. He made me promise him that no matter what, I would keep the group alive and going. I snapped at him, saying how unfair it was of him to just depart and leave us to continue on, but he begged me to keep it going. Out of the five of us, Kevin was the one to remain strong throughout this whole ordeal, and he knew that if it all came to an end now, either AJ or Nick would just break and he couldn’t have that happen. He wanted them, he NEEDED them to be occupied by doing something. He wanted us to put out another album without him.

There again I was confused as to why he would want us to do such a thing without him, and he simply resulted back to keeping Nick and AJ occupied. Sure, we could’ve all parted ways and done solo projects like Brian had done, but he wanted us together again in the end. He did not want us to venture out on our own doing solo work, he wanted us to remain together, in case anything was to ever happen again. Why he would say such a thing, I’ll never know but I decided to keep the promise.

The rest of the fellas were appalled to say the least, I was surprised to know that Kevin had confided in me over his cousin. I remember looking at each of their expressions; Brian sat there in silence, just starting at Kevin. AJ’s eyes darted from Kevin to Johnny, shocked that Johnny didn’t say anything in making Kevin stay. Nick simply looked hurt and lost, hurt at the fact that our brother for the last thirteen years was ending this journey we started together, and lost because he didn’t know what to do. I remember hearing Nick blurt out that we should all just end it already, but of course Kevin told him no and talked him out of it. I remember just sitting there throughout the whole meeting silent, not saying a word to anyone about anything.

Once things had calmed down, Kevin tried his best to explain to Brian, AJ and Nick on why he felt that it was important for us to keep the group going, omitting the part of us remaining together in case anything was to ever happen. They didn’t like the decision, but they decided to go along with it anyway (aside from the fact that Jive kept reminding us of our contract for putting out five albums!) Now, here we are, four Backstreet Boys working on material that will go on our latest album without Kevin.

Everything may have changed, but in a way everyday remains the same. This is where that saying “same shit, different day” comes into play. The fellas and I haven’t really spoken to each other since that last meeting we had well over two months ago, and whatever conversation I was able to have with them, it was always kept to a minimum. Jive has been so kind enough as to write most of the material that will go on our album instead of having us continuously come into the studio to write and produce stuff, (it’s hard to imply sarcasm when you’re writing) because they just wanted us to physically and mentally relax and prepare ourselves for what was ahead.

I’ve made personal observations of each of us; let me clarify how we’ve all CHANGED.

Kevin: He was the leader of the group, the patriarch, the father figure in our lives. He was the tall stature of the band, the one who always kept things running smoothly and kept everyone in check. He was Mr. Perfection, he wanted everything to be perfect, he wanted all of us to look and sound great. Aside from the fact of him being so stern and such a perfectionist, his heart was so soft and gentle, and there was no way he could hide, or you could deny it. Upon meeting him, you would think that this man had no emotions, but out of all of us, he’d be the first to crack at anything that would stir up your emotions. He was always concerned about all of us, and it wasn’t in a sense of a father, but more like the older brother he really was to us all. Now, that’s all changed. His brilliant green eyes are now glazed over, has been that way ever since our… incident. He tries so hard to remain strong for all of us, and he does a damn good job, but I can see the pain slowly eating him from the inside and I know there’s days where he finds himself cracking. He’s lost his perfection, he/s actually told me that this whole ordeal we went through has taught him that life is not perfect. He will always and forever be our older brother, but we lost our leader, the one who ALWAYS kept everything and everyone on track. That role is vacant now.

Brian: The spiritual one. I’ve always known Brian to have such a good head on his shoulders. Along with Nick, Brian was the comedian of the group, the one that could always put a smile on your face in seconds. If it wasn’t his silly antics or his hilarious jokes or impersonations that made you laugh, it was his southern Kentucky accent. I remember when I first met him, I tried so hard not to bust out laughing at the way he talked, but now that we hardly ever talk with one another, I truly do miss his southern twang. He always had this clean cut look, and his religion only backed it up. We always volunteered him to say our group prayer before every performance, his words and wisdom of our Lord always grabbed us and kept us grounded. Another thing about this Christian was that he ALWAYS smiled. You could be having a bad day and just seeing him smiled made you smile, it was that contagious! Now, his smile is hardly there and he doesn’t have the will to make anyone smile or laugh anymore. What shocks me the most about Brian is the fact that he lost his faith. You would think that his solo Christian album would instill his faith once more, he thought that too but it hasn’t. Just by looking into his eyes, you can tell that magical spark that once dwelled within his blue eyes are no longer there, it’s clouded by doubt and pain. He had a loving and caring attitude, always patient and understanding with others, bur it’s been replaced with anger, edginess and sadness. He’s secretly battling these inner demons that are threatening to pull him over the edge at any given moment. He can’t fight this battle alone, but he’s too busy trying to fight off those who are trying to help him, all the while trying to win this war by himself.

AJ: Alex died. There’s nothing more that I can tell you about AJ than to say that Alex died. We’ve known AJ to have these two personas, these two egos that were constantly bickering with one another. First, you had Alexander James, the boy who was born and raised in Florida by his mother and grandparents. Alex was raised to have profound respect for women, and an undying love for music and theatre. He was a gentle kid who always had a heart of gold. Alex loved to help people, to make them smile and make them feel better, but the thought of him helping and changing the whole world left him vulnerable, it left him wide open so that people could take his heart, his random acts of kindness and runaway with it. It would always leave him sad, alone and hurt, but he always found the time to construct his golden heart once more so that he could go out and do it all over again. Alex hardly ever cared about himself, he always thought that since no one cared about him, then why should he? He always put others before himself, and that’s the way Alex liked it, he didn’t care if he was unhappy, his main goal was to make others happy. Then came that phase where he was trying to figure out where he belonged. He was an only child, so of course he always ventured out to find friends, to find those special people he could consider his brothers or sisters, but many viewed him as an outcast, and his love for music and theatre didn’t help. He would often configure himself so that he stood out and apart from the crowd. Then, there was AJ, the perennial badboy of the Backstreet Boys, the kick ass rebel of the group, or at least that’s what the media labeled him to be, and it was all because his constant configuration. In the early days, AJ was still Alex, someone who was trying to figure out where he belonged but he still had that heart of gold, sensitive and the most gentlest out of all of us. But as time progressed, AJ realized that he couldn’t play two people anymore, and slowly, AJ was dominating over Alex. AJ found his comfort in doing drugs and drinking alcohol, it made him feel normal and accepted, and the death of his grandmother, his second mother, only added fuel to the fire. His stint in rehab was able to control the two egos, able to allow Alexander James and AJ to coincide with one another without that one ego trying to dominate the other with the consumption of alcohol and drugs. Once AJ was able to make that 180 turn in his life, we find him going into a 360 turn, finding out that he’s back to where he started. Alex was shot and killed, leaving a more aggressive and vengeful AJ to step up and fill that vacant spot. The simple things about him no longer exist; he was the talker, the charmer, the flirt, the appreciative one, but that’s all changed. He hardly talks, he often isolates himself from everyone, even his own mother, and he lost sight of why life is worth living. Why am I rambling on about AJ? It’s because I’ve known him the longest, he and I were best friends way before living the life of a Backstreet Boy. He and I were always there for one another, but for once in my life I am truly stumped in trying to help my brother.

Nick: Nicky… he always hated that nickname. That kid was quite a firecracker when I first met him, a blond bombshell indeed! There was no denying that this kid had a natural talent for the spotlight; I mean, he was the young, cute and innocent Backstreet Boy that made all the girls swoon and just go “aww”. He was so lively and energetic, spunky and chaotic (we didn’t give him the nickname Kaos for nothing!). We always teased him because he could very well pass as a younger brother of Brian’s, they just had so much in common. Nick LOVED to make people laugh, it was like his hobby, and putting both Brian and Nick together was like constructing a TNT stick, they were just explosive when they were together. He also had a thing for pranks, he loved to pull pranks on us. Of course at first it didn’t make us laugh, because it either scared the shit out of us or make us angry, but in the end it’d make us all laugh. Although he hated being called this, Nick was truly the baby of the group. We’d always pinch his cheeks and just cooed like you would to a baby, and we’d laugh as his bright, blue eyes welled up with tears and threatened to spew over. As the years went by, Nick slowly began to change into a man all his own, but that Nicky kid was still alive and thriving within him. We found him to be carefree, indeed becoming a wild child (with the release of his solo rock album and his ex girlfriends including Paris Hilton), but he always managed to bring out the kid in him again, and we’d always appreciate when he and Brian brought out Frick and Frack, it bought us all back to the good ole days. Sure, he’d get on our nerves every once in a while (especially me because he has a knack for picking on me!!), but I honestly don’t know where I’d be, where any of us would be if it wasn’t for Nick. Now, we’re living with a Nick no one knows. He has these random outbursts that shocks the hell out of all of us. He’s more aggressive, irritable, edgier, protective, he’s just not the same. He’s known for keeping things in, but now he just keeps to himself, he doesn’t even socialize with Brian. The spunk, energy, humor and carefree attitude he once had is all gone.

In a way, I think we all just isolate ourselves from everyone and each other. I mean, can you blame us? We’ve been through something quite traumatic, we all almost lost our lives, lost each other a year ago. What am I saying? We did lose each other… Kevin’s no longer the strong and reliable leader, Brian’s no longer the grounded and faithful comedian, AJ’s no longer the sociable and golden-hearted brother, Nick’s no longer the humorous and spunky kid… and I, I am no longer the reasonable and down-to-earth peacemaker. We are struggling everyday in trying to cope with what happened to us a year ago and willing ourselves to live on to face another uncertain day. I’ve never lost hope throughout this whole ordeal, I believe that we will once again find ourselves and all things will heal with time. It’s just hard trying to instill that little sense of hope into the heart’s of four men who have turned their backs on life and God.