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I watched through the window as Shelby cradled Lanie’s head in her hands. She bent forward and kissed her forehead gently. “You have a very beautiful daughter and wife,” an older nurse smiled at me as she watched me watch them.

“Oh, we’re divorced,” I admitted for the first time without really thinking. Ever since the divorce, Shelby and I had just rambled off the fact we were no longer together without really thinking. It was automatic.

“Wow,” the nurse seemed impressed. “It’s amazing that you two are here together. That’s always the saddest thing to see…little children in broken homes. Usually the mother will come one day and the father will come the next. Never at the same time,” the woman shook her head in disgust. “People don’t realize how important it is for the children to be with the parents together. I honestly believe it keeps the kids strong,” she shrugged her shoulders in a, but-what-do-I-know fashion.

I didn’t really know what to say in response to that. Instead I nodded with a small smile. “Do you know where I could get some coffee?” I asked her politely. She grinned, obviously aware I was uncomfortable talking about Shelby, and directed me to the cafeteria.

I sighed and took a deep breath as I opted out of taking the elevator and took the stairs instead. As I pushed open the door leading from the stairwell to the main floor of the hospital, I was shocked to see all the familiar faces. To my surprise, though I wasn’t thrilled, stood all of Shelby’s family. Her mom and dad, her younger sister and her younger sister’s husband. My brother and BJ were standing there with them, telling them something as they waited for the elevator.

“There’s Nick now,” BJ stopped talking a smiled in my direction. All six faces stared in my direction -- including Shelby’s parents’, who both hated me ever since the divorce.

“H-Hi,” I stammered and watched as they all approached me.

“Where’s my grandbaby?!” Shelby’s mom, Alicia McKinney, cried out with tears stringing down her face and fresh tears flooding her brown eyes.

“She’s asleep,” I answered softly as my mouth went dry. I wasn’t ready for all the outside attention. Shelby and I were doing just fine handling this all on our own. “Shelby’s sleeping with her right now. They’re in room 203. I’m on my way to get coffee.” I tried to excuse myself from the situation.

“Nick, bro, are you okay?” Aaron grabbed me by my forearm and I reluctantly turned to face him and nodded. I shook off the feeling of uneasiness and shrugged.

“I’m fine,” I lied. BJ knew I wasn’t. She had seen me when I was so upset, and knowing her amazing gossiping tactics, she had probably told the rest of the world that her big brother broke down in tears at the thought of his daughter having cancer. “I’ll be up in a little bit.” I expressed my need to get away and made my way into the cafeteria. I ran shaky fingers through my hair and let out a loud sigh.

I sat down at a sticky table and began to stir the mixture in my cup. “Mind if I join you?” I heard her soft voice behind me. I turned my head around so I could see her. She looked just as mentally and physically exhausted as I did, if not, more. “Everyone wanted to see her and the room got pretty cramped…so I thought I’d come down here to find you.”

I nodded and turned back around as she sat down across from me. She sighed and looked around the hospital cafeteria, full of people with “Get Well” balloons. There were so many sick kids in this place, it made me want to throw up. “I can’t believe we’re here.” She whispered, almost so softly I could barely hear her.

“I know,” I sighed and shook my head. Sure, it was small talk. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to go into an in-depth conversation with her about this. Maybe this was what I needed. “I keep asking myself…” I started off. I watched as her expression changed from sadness to curiosity as she listened to me. “Why me? Why my--” I stopped myself before continuing. “Why our daughter?” I watched her lips turn up in a small grin.

“Funny, I’ve been thinking the same thing over and over again,” she shook her head. “I keep asking myself what I did wrong. Was it something I fed her? Was it a shot I didn’t take her to the pediatrician to get?” She frowned and I watched more tears fill her eyes. I wasn’t sure I had any tears left inside of me. “I know it sounds stupid, but I just can’t stop the questions.” She sighed. I reached across the table and took her hands in mine, glad she had opened up to me like she did.

“Hey,” I said to get her attention. “You are an amazing mom. You didn’t do anything wrong, Shell. For some strange reason this happened to us. But I swear to you we are going to get through it.” I said and gave her hand a squeeze.

She returned the gesture and smiled across the table. Then, leaving a look of shock on my face, she whispered, “I missed you.”