Because Of You
Dear Kevin,
It’s been a while…
Jenn clicked her pen on and off with her thumb as her mind searched for the words she wanted, no, needed to say. She listened to the steady breathing of her fiancé who had fallen asleep on the couch behind her. She listened to the sound of the Friends theme song that had begun to play on the television. Nothing, though, would distract her from the myriad of thoughts and memories that swirled through her mind. They all belonged to one man.
That man was Kevin Richardson.
~*~*~*~
It all started mostly with a call at 3 AM on December 20, 2000. Jenn’s eyes popped open from a dreamless sleep. She had already felt it long before the phone rang. Something was wrong.
"Hello?"
"Jenn?" A shaky, deep, and unfamiliarly weak voice brought her totally out her sleep.
"Kev, what’s wrong?" She asked, rubbing her eyes and standing to pull on her pants.
The only answer she received in response was a somewhat strangled and tired cry coming from the other end.
"I’ll be there in a minute." Jenn said simply, hanging up the phone and grabbing her keys.
Jenn cursed at a red light as it halted her car once again from getting to where she needed to be. Tears stung her eyes but she was determined not to cry this time. Not this time. The last time.
The last time. That’s what he always told her, ‘This is the last time, Jenn.’ It never was. Somewhere between the time they had met in 1992 and now, Kevin had fallen apart from the strong man that he used to be. It began with the fame. It had not made Kevin egotistical but, rather, stressed and frayed at the ends. He spent less and less time with his family. He was rarely home for Christmas or Thanksgiving anymore and, as much as he pretended it didn’t bother him, Jenn knew otherwise.
However, Kevin had found his strength in the bottom of a bottle. He found his pleasure in the body of aspiring singer, Jessica Lorenza. When he fell, he fell hard and he always warned Jenn, in the days when he was in his right mind, never to become famous. If she did, make sure she kept life in balance. He knew as well as she did that he was far gone but, for some reason, he couldn’t quit. He couldn’t remember how.
What she encountered that night was worse than she had seen him before, although, the sight was something she had become more accustomed to.
Jessica had hurt him again. Kevin was sitting, alone in his floor, clad in only boxers with a bruise forming on his cheek.
"She didn’t like her Christmas present." He managed weakly, looking up to see Jenn in the doorway. He made no attempt to shield himself. Jenn was the only one who would help him in the state that he was in. She was the only one that knew how abusive Jessica had become to him.
Jenn spent the night, holding Kevin in her arms, listening to him ramble about the past few months he had spent touring instead of at his home in Florida. She tried over and over again to convince him to end it with Jessica, to get professional help with his problems. Kevin insisted, though, that Jenn was the only one that would ever understand.
That was when Jenn knew that he was heading straight downhill.
And no one would be able to stop him but, she had to try. By that morning, she had convinced her best friend to get help. only, though, if she went with him.
I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
Will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
It was not three days later when Jenn arrived at the Christmas party for the Richardsons and the Littrells. She had been attending these parties for at least four years now and had become friends with each of the Backstreet Boys in doing so. It was Jenn who had told Kevin about the ad for the band when they were working at Disney together. That’s where he had met her. For some reason, they never drifted apart.
"Jenn!" Leighanne, Brian’s girlfriend, greeted her by the door.
"Hey Leigh!" She said, smiling and accepting the embrace. "Is Kevin here yet? There’s some things I need to talk to him about."
"Oh yeah!" Leighanne gestured towards the kitchen. "He’s in there."
"Thanks.."
"Yeah, he’s been helping Jessica cook."
Jenn stopped dead in her tracks. Jessica was there? Didn’t Kevin promise that he was going to end things with her?
"Hi.." She entered the kitchen with a bitter smile pasted across her face.
"Jenny!!" Jessica exclaimed, dropping the knife and hugging Jenn as though they had been friends for years.
Jenn only stood stiff, cringing at that voice and the name only her mother was allowed to call her. Her eyes wandered over to Kevin’s still figure. He had stopped his motion of putting the rolls into a bowl and he, too, was standing stiff, avoiding any eye contact with Jenn.
It wasn’t two minutes before Jessica had quit her annoying chatter and gone back to cutting up vegetables. Jenn knew then that she wasn’t going to stay. She couldn’t stay and watch those two pretend, the very thought made her sick. She couldn’t sit and eat in the presence of a liar. How could she have really believed him this time? Jenn knew she’d end up getting hurt in the end. Kevin always hurt her in the end.
"You know, Kevin, you’re only hurting yourself." Jenn said in a low tone as she brushed by the man. "You cause your own damn self this misery."
Before he had the chance to say anything else, Jenn was heading towards the door, angry tears threatening to fall.
Once she got to the car, she didn’t fight them anymore.
Jenn was just so damn tired of trusting, of taking risks on people only to get hurt in the end. It was just something about Kevin though. Something in his eyes that pleaded with her for help, begged her for so much more than she was capable of giving . She supposed that’s why she kept coming back to him. He needed her. God knows she tried in every way to give him everything she had.
Driving off, Jenn realized that most everything she had done and had become these past few months were because of him.
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learn to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me,
But everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
It was six months before Jenn even talked to Kevin again. He had tried to call dozens, maybe even hundreds of times and she never picked up. Those nights that she avoided his calls though, Jenn would go to bed early, crying her eyes out into the pillow he used to sleep on if he spent the night at her house. What had happened to her Kevin? Happy Kevin. The Kevin that made snowmen with her when they went to visit their families in Kentucky. Ninja Turtle Kevin that had wanted to grow up and get married and take his own kids to Disney World.
They had all disappeared when successful and confused Kevin showed up at the door. There was nothing Jenn could do about it though. She HAD tried and she tried to tell herself that every night, but it never worked.
It was June 2001 when Jenn had gone out with her boyfriend and a few others. That had gone to a club in Orlando that she was nowhere near familiar with and after she had come back from puking in the bathroom, the people sitting at her table were no longer familiar either.
"Um, excuse me? Where are the people that were sitting here?" She asked groggily, that last shot of tequila settling in her stomach and making her want to run back to the bathroom.
"They left just a second ago, baby. You can be my date for the evening though." The scruffy looking man stood from where her boyfriend had been sitting and neared her body. The smell of alcohol and smoke on his breath was almost enough to make her pass out.
"Why did I trust him, dammit.." Jenn mumbled under her breath before answering the man. "No, thank you." She pushed him away a bit, only to feel him further advance upon her.
"Come on now, girl. I’m all alone." He kept pushing.
"I’m sorry but.. I…"
Jenn was just about to give up the struggle when someone behind the man pulled him off of her.
"She’s with me sir. Thanks."
That voice was so familiar yet, it wasn’t her boyfriend’s.
"Kevin.." Jenn gasped, her heart beating ten times faster than it had in a while, both from him and the over consumption of alcohol her body wasn’t about to handle.
"Hey. Are you, um, okay? You look a little green.." Kevin looked her over with a worried eye. "Who are you here with?"
"No one now. My boyfriend and his friends left while I was in the…in the…" She gestured towards the general direction of the bathroom.
"Good Lord Jenn! How long has it been since you drank? Hell, how much did you drink?" He paused, noticing a glassy look her eye. "Come on, I’ll take you to my house…"
"Let me go! You don’t care if I DIE!" Jenn yelled, shrugging his hand away from her shoulders. "You fuckin’ broke me, Richardson…"
"Jenn.." Before he could say anymore, she passed out in his arms.
~*~*~*~
"Mmm.." Jenn groaned, not really awake.
"Shh, just go back to sleep." A hand rested a cool cloth on her head and she squinted to make out the figure.
"Kevin.. I told you…" She managed, still hurt by everything he had put her through.
"I know. You hate me but… I don’t hate you and… I know I didn’t act like it the last time we spoke but, I really love you Jenn and I just… wanted to thank you. I couldn’t just leave you in that club. You never left me." He smiled a bit at her and she could’ve sworn she saw a tear in his eye.
"Thanks. I’m glad you didn’t."
"You know, Jenn, this life gets old. I know, you’ve been telling me that all along. That’s what I get for not listening. It’s gone too far with a lot of things so, um, Backstreet’s going to take a break and I’m finally ending things with Jessica. I can’t take her anymore, Jenn…" He sat down beside her on his bed.
"Mph." Jenn muttered in disgust. "She still hurts you, doesn’t she?"
"Yeah." His head dropped in shame.
"Just get away from it, Kev." She reached her hand up to stroke his hair. God, she hadn’t done that in forever yet, it felt so comfortable.
"I am. I promise this time, Jenn." Kevin looked up and forced a smile. "You don’t go drinking without me anymore, ok? You know how bad it makes you sick."
"Thanks superman." She closed her eyes and smiled. Soon, Jenn had fallen asleep in the arms of her ‘hero’. Maybe things would change this time for good. He had been so sincere.
If she had only known what morning would bring.
I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
Jenn woke up smiling. Things were going to change. She was almost sure of it. She sat up, stretching as the morning sun seeped into her window. Her headache wasn’t nearly as strong as she had anticipated and, rubbing her eyes, she thought about making a nice breakfast for Kevin. If it hadn’t been for him, she might have waken up next to Mr. Rough n’ Scruff.
"Hey.." A soft southern accent sounded from the bathroom connected to the room she was in and Jenn almost screamed seeing Brian standing there in the doorway.
"Hey! God, Littrell! You scared me!" She ran over and embraced him. It had been a while since she had seen him as well. Her nerves began to tighten though when the hug he returned was tight and filled with sadness. "No..." She back away slowly. "What’s wrong?"
"Jenn, sit down with me, okay?" Brian’s eyes were shining bright blue, full of emotion.
"Brian…" She held on to his arm as they sat on Kevin’s bed. Suddenly, Kevin’s scent from the sheets seem inescapable.
"Darlin’, last night, at the club, Jessica was with Kevin. I saw him leave with you so I told her he wasn’t feeling well. She didn’t care too much, she just went and danced with other guys who were half her age." Brian looked down and swallowed, then took Jenn’s cool hand. "She came by at 3AM, looking for someone to dominate, you know, and uh… found you two sleeping together."
"Oh God…" Jenn shut her eyes and bit her lips, not wanting to believe any of this.
"They fought, I’m guessing. I came in this morning to check on you and found him…" Brian paused, his breaths becoming shorter. "I found him lying on the floor. He looked so bad Jenn." Tears began to make there way down his cheeks as his eyes focused on the floor.
"No." Jenn shook her head. "No Brian! That’s not true. He’s supposed to end it with her!"
"Jenn, we need to go see him."
~*~*~*~
Jenn looked at the clock once again. It was now 2 AM and her letter was not much longer than it had been two hours ago. What could she say that hadn’t been said already? I miss you? I love you? You’ve ruined my life?
Her lip quivered as she thought of him. Instead of telling him everything that he had done wrong like she had been doing in recent letters, she told him everything she loved about him. How she enjoyed the scent of his body when it was pressed against hers. How she loved the laugh that escaped his lips when he was trying to be so serious. How he held her during storms or in the dark.
How he had finally let her love him.
Leaning her head back and closing her eyes, Jenn forced herself not to cry. He would be so mad at her if she cried. She put her pen back to paper to finish her letter.
I don’t cry anymore Kevin. You told me only the weak cried and I want to show you that I am strong. I am stronger than you and I will make it by myself. You know what though? I’m not as heart broken as I thought I would be and I figured out why today. Because, since the day I met you, I’ve never had a whole heart. You’ve always had a piece of it… you were just to selfish to realize how much I did love you. I loved you so much.
Jenn stood and closed the letter, determined not to cry over this one. She walked over to
kiss her fiancé and smiled at him one last time.
"I’m sorry." She whispered. "This isn’t your fault. It’s…his."
With that, she left the living room and traveled to the main foyer. Grabbing her keys and her coat, Jenn left. For the last time, with all the letters in hand.
I can not cry because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with
Within a few hours, Jenn sat in her car in front of Kevin’s new "home". She sat quietly, listening to the silence, thinking about all that had happened in the past year.
After Kevin came home from the hospital, he was emotionally unstable. It turned out that the last night anyone saw Jessica, she had raped Kevin before she beat him. He was never the same.
Jenn moved in with him and stayed up with him on those nights that he couldn’t sleep. She became his shoulder to cry on and the only person he would open up to anymore.
But he was still hiding stuff and Jenn knew it. She had tried so damn hard to get it out of him but, nobody ever would. She wasn’t even sure if he knew what bothered him so much.
And, what had ended it all, would be the thing that haunted her every night. That made her wake up, sweating, sobbing, and crazy. It was June 28, 2003 when she had come home from shopping to find Kevin sleeping peacefully in bed.
Only, he wasn’t sleeping. He had killed all the pain with the painkillers on his nightstand.
And there, in the bed where he had promised Jenn things were going to change, where Jenn had comforted him so many nights, Kevin Richardson died.
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young you should have known
Better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Jenn was now numbly standing in from of the grave stone. She wasn’t crying, she wasn’t smiling, she was simply… numb. Kneeling, she laid the letters down behind the flowers in the vase and watched as the sun began to peek in and out of the clouds.
"I left him today, Kevin. You know why? It wasn’t because I didn’t love him. It was because I loved you. I loved you with what heart I had and you took everything. I trusted you not to hurt me but, you did anyways. Now, I can’t trust anyone as hard as I try to forget what you did. My life will never be the same, Kev. It will never be what it was supposed to be. And, it’s all because of you."
She stood, shakily. Somewhere she knew he could hear her and, not wanting him to think that he was nothing to her, Jenn brought her fingers to her lips, just as she had at his funeral, and place her fingers gently on his stone. "I loved you."
Because of you
I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learn to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
The woman dug her hands in her pockets and walked slowly walked to her car. When she started the car, Jenn had no idea where she was headed or what she was going to do, but it would be far away from all of these memories.
She may even join Kevin sooner than expected. Because that was the only place that her heart would rest.
Because of You
I am ashamed of my life
Because it’s empty
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you
Author's Chapter Notes:
I found this today, Sara wrote it for me a few years ago...and it's so good i wanted to put it up here too! Let her know what you think.
